Woodcastle

by Kell Inkston

  The group descends several steps, passing minion after minion, each duteously rushing about the castle carrying one thing or another- all ranging from plates of food to multi-colored wombats.

  “You three are in big trouble,” the tall minion says as they reach the tower’s ground floor.

  “But we didn’t do anythi-”

  “Shut up, cookling. He decides that,” the tall one says, quickly running off Cooking Minion’s attempt at justification. The group is led outside the dark-bricked tower, and out onto one of the last atmospheres the knights would have expected.

  Now outside, they hear the roar of a crystal-blue ocean, they smell the aromas of salt and sea all about them, and can feel the embrace off warm, fine sand wrapping around their feet. They’re on an idyllic beach island, with Chaos’ Overlord tower shoved right into the white sand.

  “Well, this is a nice place for a tower,” Love says with a smile, unvexed by the tall minion’s attitude. The group is lead up to a beach lounge chair, with a cute little white table next to it covered with teas of different sorts. Aoline’s chills only get worse as she spots the blacker than pitch outline of some creature laxing about on the chair. To her, the figure’s presence is palpable, as though she could feel its nearness.

  The tall minion steps up to the side of the chair, and kneels.

  “My lord, I’ve found these ones at your negative space door. Two of them look to be Knights and the other three minions, no doubt traitors who lead them right here,” the tall one says with a bowed reverence. The figure lying about is silent for a moment, and then reaches a perfectly-dark hand up to its face to remove a pair of sun glasses.

  “Oh? Is that so?” a calm, refined voice erupts next to the tall minion, shaking Aoline to her very core.

  If Winter had a voice, it would sound as this.

  “Yes, my lord. I don’t know how they got into negative space, probably some Kanvanian magical trickery.”

  “Well, I suppose I should take a look at these intruders then,” the figure says laxly before getting out of his chair.

  It’s Chaos, and he looks happy as usual.

  The High Overlord of Dimension #13, Love and Aoline’s own plane of existence, steps up to the five and looks them over.

  “So, Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion,” Chaos begins after he finishes looking at and through each of the five.

  “Yes, sir?” the tall minion says.

  “Did they say anything before you apprehended them?” Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion scowls.

  “They said they were planning on killing yo-”

  “No we didn’t!” Cooking Minion quickly butts in.

  “Oh, my, how exciting. Is this so?” Chaos asks the same time as Cooking Minion receives a swift, commanding kick to the face from Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion.

  “Argh! You ass!” Cooking Minion exclaims, holding his face as he rolls about in the dirt.

  “They lie, my lord. Just look at them, and their evil, putrid, knight-loving faces.”

  Chaos’ features sharpen a bit as he inspects the accused. “Oh, really?”

  “Yes, my lord! Why, they were even talking about how much they disliked following commands from higher pow-”

  “Mmm, sorry to interrupt, but I have something to say,” Love butts in. Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion promptly slaps Love across the face the moment he gets near.

  “Quiet you insignificant human meatba-”

  “Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion,” Chaos says, instantly stopping his minion’s chastising.

  “Yes, sir?”

  “I would be interested in what they have to say.”

  Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion’s eyes widen in shock. “Wh-why, sir?”

  “Because you obviously do not want them to talk, which is rather suspicious.”

  “S-sir! I’d never--”

  “Silence. I remember how angry you were at Cooking Minion for stealing back that taco that was rightfully his last taco night,” Chaos says with an almost parental tone of collectiveness. Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion begins shaking as he steps aside. “Very good, now then, Cooking Minion, please tell me your side of the story,” Chaos says, giving the rare honor of his undivided attention to Cooking Minion.

  Cooking Minion gives Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion a single glance, ensuring him that he’s going to pay dearly for kicking him in the face.

  “Gladly, my lord! You see, we were captured by the Royal Knights, and these two here saved us. We’re very grateful to them but that aside, my dear Overlord, we have intensely important news for you,” Cooking Minion says with the flames of vengeance blazing in his large, bright eyes.

  Chaos’ grin curls up grimly with intrigue. “Oh?”

  “Yes. You see, Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion betrayed our presence to the Knights and has been working with them in secret!” Cooking Minion says, being a skilled-enough speaker to use the magic words “betrayed” and “knights”. By this point, Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion is trembling in horror; he knows what’s coming next.

  “P-please, my sire! Don’t listen to anything he-”

  “Silence, Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion!” Chaos snaps before he turns back to the short one. “Go on, my good Cooking Minion. Tell me, do you know why he is working against me?” Chaos asks.

  “Yes, I do!” Cooking Minion says before delivering one last glare at Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion. “He silenced the three of us by leading the knights to our capture. He didn’t want you to find out that, behind your back, he called you ... a black bunny!” Cooking Minion says with feigned horror.

  Chaos is silent a moment as Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion, just a minute ago confident and composed, devolves now into a trembling mess of fear.

  Like a clockwork machine, Chaos turns his head slowly to the group with wide, awed eyes. “Is this true?” Chaos asks, looking at the other four.

  “It is, sir,” Combat Minion says.

  “Yes, it is, my lord!” Magic Minion says with a cross of humor and fake sorrow.

  “Mmm, quite true, my lord,” Love says, joining in.

  “... Y-yes, my… my lord,” Aoline says, face slowly working into a blush.

  “And that’s not all,” Cooking Minion says, getting Chaos’ attention once more.

  “... Really?” Chaos asks, seeming completely calm.

  “Yes, sir. He said it while sitting with Royal Knight Order ... as they were both drinking ... coffee,” Cooking Minion says, stating the one beverage Chaos cannot stand.

  In case the Reader is wondering, the Author has no problem with coffee, though he can certainly agree with Chaos that tea is the preferable drink of the intellectually-discerning life form. That said, there is a time for coffee, though I feel we can all agree that most of the time, it is time for tea. Now then:

  There is a long silence on the beach, as the Beach-Party-Facilitation Minions, Swimsuit Contest Minions, Seafood-Chef Minions, Aquatic Ops Minions, and at least thirty other different minion varieties stop whatever their doing to witness the utter downfall of one of the well-disliked Operator-Class Minions. Chaos slowly turns his head to look at Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion, who is paralyzed in ultimate terror.

  “Well well well. So you really thought you could call me a black bunny and get away with it?”

  “N-no! Your antennae are really super cool! Sir, ple-”

  “Do you think my antennae are ears, is that what you think?”

  “Sir! I beg of yo-”

  “And all while drinking coffee!?”

  “No! It’s all a lie pleas-”

  “With the meatbag of meatbags, my nemesis, Order?!”

  “PleasesirdontkillmeIdontwannadi-”

  Chaos’ grin is radically wide, as if he’s already relishing the satisfaction of punishing his
underling. “…I suppose we will have to do something about this. Such disrespect calls for a punishment to ensure my respect is reinstated properly.”

  “PLEASEPLEASEOHPLEASECHAOSPLEA-”

  “I think this would be a good time for-” Chaos says, stopping his sentence for dramatic effect as Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion whimpers in terror. “Time for,” the Overlord says again, obviously enjoying this.

  “Time, for the Minion Wagon!”

  “NOOOOOOOOOO!” Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion cries as he falls to his knees amidst the frantic cheering and gasps of the minions surrounding. Love and Aoline share confused glances.

  “YEEEEEEEES!” Chaos returns with a grim, excited grin.

  “PLEASE, OH GOD OF ANY, SAVE ME-”

  “OH NEGATIVE SPACE EXPLORATION AND RESEARCH MINION!” Chaos says as he holds up his hand to his antennae as if to listen.

  “Wh- ... what?”

  “I CERTAINLY HOPE YOU ARE READY FOR THE MINION WAGON!”

  “NO SIR PLEASE PLEASE NOT THE MINION WAGON! ANYTHING BUT THE MINION WAGON!” Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion cries as the minions on the beach begin chanting “Minion Wagon!” over and over.

  “I THINK THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM. OFF TO THE MINION WAGON!” Chaos says as he grasps Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion by the wrist and begins dragging him into the tower. Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion flails wildly to escape his Overlord’s grasp, but to no avail against the rock-crushing force constraining him. Every minion on the beach skips, sings, dances, and moves toward the tower along with Love and Aoline, who are both terrified and fascinated by the concept of a Minion Wagon.

  Chaos drags Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion all the way down five floors, all while the poor minion grasps at anything to save him from his dire fate. They finally get to a large, crimson door in one of the basement floors, securely locked with multiple magic devices. At the other side, everyone can hear the demonic wailing and moaning of what sounds like souls being tormented in the deepest depths of the most dark and fiery hells. Chaos waves his free hand over the devices, and they come loose, allowing the door to slowly, menacingly swing open in anticipation.

  Inside the room is nothing but darkness, with the exception of a wooden horse-drawn wagon, flooded in a mysterious sanguine light. At this moment Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion lets out the loudest screech in his life as all of the other minions cheer with limitless glee. The Ambient Atmosphere Creation Minions quickly get to work in jeering, playing spindly violins, and screaming along with the Minion Wagon’s next victim.

  Chaos drags him in, spares one grinning glance to the audience outside, and then closes the door.

  Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion screams with limitless, fathomless terror for only a few seconds more and then goes silent. Chaos steps out from the door with an unconscious Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion in his arms, locks it back, and turns to the crowd. On Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion’s features is the incarnation of terror; eyes and mouth wide with fathomless shock.

  “He has paid for his crimes. Let this be an example to any dweebish minion who would ever dare trespass on my unquestionable law. I feed you, give you a home, and show you the wonders of the world; I expect you to respect my simple requests. Should you not, you too can expect the Minion Wagon, just like Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion here. Now, back to your posts, I’ll handle our “intruders” myself,” Chaos says as he promptly plops Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion on the floor. The surrounding Minions flood their overlord with compliments and re-declarations of loyalty before they all set off back to their assigned jobs, trampling gleefully over the unconscious criminal minion.

  Chaos turns to the remaining five, Love, Aoline, and the three captured minions. He smiles.

  “Now then, I suppose this is the part where I take care of you all, then,” the Overlord says, sending another debilitating chill down Aoline’s spine. She finally remembers to take this moment to hide her knightly seal, unpinning it from her waist and quickly shoving it into her pocket; it is only now that Aoline notices Love hasn’t had hers on for as far back as she can recall.

  “Hmm, I suppose you should,” Love says with a courteous nod.

  “Minion Acquisition Minion!” Chaos calls out as he gestures the five to come along with him. Quickly a short, skinny minion steps down from the stairs and addresses the Overlord.

  “Yes sir!” he says the second he delivers a jaunty salute, folding an arm against his chest in pride.

  “Get me the reception-minion squad. We have guests,” Chaos says, giving the two knights a kindly look.

  “Right away!” Minion Acquisition Minion says before rushing off.

  Chapter Twenty One: Two of a Kind

  The three minions and two knights are led into one of the tower’s upper floors, a dining room that would appear too big for the tower to contain if viewed from outside. Love expects Chaos has cast all manners of dimensional-magic spells upon the floors and rooms, probably to keep the building compact and uniform from the outside while having three castle’s worth of space on the inside. The five are then promptly shown to their own seat at an extravagantly-long royal table, embossed with gold and precious gems along its entire length.

  Love spots that one of the end sides of the table is slightly darker than usual; she wouldn’t be surprised if he’s used this to kill someone. Chaos is known to be quite creative in his choices of weaponry, after all.

  Chaos takes a seat at the other side of the table as his minions swarm around, setting down multiple plates and eating wares, everything required for a kingly feast. To Chaos’ hand is delivered a delicate glass filled to the brim with a golden tea of some unknown and rare variety, and he takes a sip, not spilling a single drop as if it were a precious wine. Chaos waits for a few seconds more when the Instrumental Harmony and Ambiance Creation Minion squad begins playing out a charming piece of dining music; and at that, he begins.

  “Very good, now then. I have the feeling you all have come to tell me more than the betrayal of Negative Space Exploration and Research Minion,” Chaos begins with a wide, grin, his jaws stretching and curling around his face in an unnatural, almost cartoon-like manner. Aoline looks over to Love; it’s time to make the case.

  “Well, my lord, I feel as though I’ve run across some knowledge that would be in your best interest,” Love says, choosing her words carefully. It seems as though Chaos is cycling through one of his more forgetful phases, and as such unaware of the rather-obvious fact that the two of them are Royal Knights. She’ll have to keep it this way if she can, or things could get very ugly very fast; as long as he doesn’t remember, everything will be fine.

  “Oh?”

  “My lord, are you aware of an event known as ‘The High Tea’?” questions Love, quickly subduing Chaos’ expression a bit as he combs his mind for the information.

  “Hmm, let me see ... I believe it is a sort of fairy thing in which one of the ... oh, you would know, yes?” Chaos says, looking to the side. Love’s learned from the few times she’s spoken to him that this is a subconscious tell that he’s aware he’s forgotten something, which is quite, quite often.

  “It is when one of the legendary first realm creatures descends upon the mortal plane, my lord. They allow only one person to visit with them, in which they can gain knowledge beyond anything in our own reality.”

  “Well, that sounds interesting,” he says as he refocuses his glare upon the knights. “So are you, perhaps, saying anyone can go in as long as they are the first?”

  “Precisely, my lord.”

  “Ahh! So I could infiltrate their fairy land, and steal into the first-realmer’s portal before those detestable fairies ... hmm, fairies, I really do dislike them. Those elves and their ridiculous manner of speech, the spooks with their laughable displays of gaudiness
, the high fairies themselves with their antiquated speech and close friendship to ... to my greatest foes ... what were they called? ... something with a K ...”

  “Um, Kecromancers?” Love suggests.

  “Oh ...No, that doesn’t quite sound right. I know of necromancers, but not kecromancers; those sound like very silly creatures. Hmm ... they always run around with their armor ... Let’s see ... Lead by a ... a ‘Redemption’ character… weakling… a bit of a child, really…. My, it seems as though I have forgotten.”

  “Well, sir, these mysterious things aside. You must know, the necromancers are plotting to take the seat at The High Tea before you!”

  “... Are they now?”

  “Mmm, yes, I hear they’re planning on asking the first realmer for a term of offence even greater than calling you a ... well, you know.”

  “Indeed.” He draws back as if at a strategy table. “Very concerning.”

  “Should they get an offence to call you even worse, you can expect they will spread this new term all throughout the Omniverse.”

  “Ahh, and we certainly cannot have that,” Chaos says as his smile gains wry edges at the ends.

  “No, my lord, and The High Tea happens tonight!” Love says with a nod and her best “serious” expression.

  “Well then, it would certainly be a shame were some pathetic sacks of meat and gears to hop into a realm beyond comprehension simply to get a word they will not even use because I would kill them before they can open their mouths. Yes, brilliant. I have made my decision! I will be the one to take the seat at The High Tea! What is more, I will also have an admirable shot at that ... hmm, its name ... yes, that Oa character! That coward! Always hiding in its holes as it grows fat on humans and trees and machines! Yes! And what is more even then, once I go to the tea, I can ask for the knowledge to destroy my greatest enemies, the ... the ...” Chaos is silent a moment, and again looks to the side.

  The minions share a few sly, knowing gazes, well-used to this, and Love stays motionless with the utmost of politeness. Aoline just stares, entirely confused in this seemingly dreamlike event to her.