Amanda Lester, Detective Box Set

by Paula Berinstein

  Thrillkill commended them on their plan and called the faculty together to deliberate. Amanda, Ivy, and Simon positioned themselves outside the teachers’ lounge and listened, but the yelling got so loud that they had to move away. This went on for several hours until finally they heard Thrillkill say, “Enough! We are going to present this plan and that’s that. I know these people. I spent weeks living with them. They’re passionate but reasonable. They’re also, by the way, very funny. There’s this one wretch, Panda Fancypants—”

  “I would like to register my opposition loudly and strongly,” said Professor Mukherjee.”

  “Me too,” said Professor Xerxes.

  “And I,” said Professor Goodgrief.

  “You’re fools,” said Professor Sidebotham, whereupon the room fell silent. “You know that I am no pushover.” Murmuring all around. “However, I can recognize an opportunity when I see one. This deal is good for both sides. We’ve been decimated. We need extra security. We need someone who has a stake in Legatum to help us. These people are fanatics. Nothing is more important to them than having their own secure space. Do you honestly think they would risk losing that?”

  “What you say is logical,” said Professor Darktower. Amanda was astonished. He was always so argumentative that she couldn’t even picture him being conciliatory.

  “Well I’m against it,” said Lila. “These people aren’t ruled by logic. They’re insane.”

  “No they’re not,” said Thrillkill.

  “What, are you a doctor now?” said Lila.

  “Is that your concern?” said Thrillkill. “If so, then how about if we add a provision to the deal that they be examined by a psychiatrist. A neutral one, not our profiling teacher.”

  “Again, logical,” said Darktower.

  “I don’t like it,” said Lila.

  Amanda turned to Simon and Ivy and said, “Typical. If everyone else were against the idea, she’d be in favor of it.”

  “Wait a moment,” said Professor Mukherjee. “That’s not a bad idea.”

  There was more hubbub in the room. Then Professor Sidebotham said, “It looks like we’re all agreed on this, Headmaster.”

  “I’m not,” said Lila.

  “I’m afraid you’ve been outvoted,” said Professor Sidebotham. “I’ll draw up the papers, shall I?”

  “Thank you, Trixie,” said Professor Thrillkill. “That will be all.”

  Before the kids could move out of the way, Lila came bursting out of the door and practically broke Simon’s nose. She turned to him and said, “What, you agree with them too?” Simon was so surprised that he just stood there with his mouth open until she said to Amanda, “This is your fault” and stormed away.

  “Wow,” said Ivy.

  “I know,” Amanda sighed. “That was the famous Lila Lester, winner of the Edgar, the Agatha, and the Los Angeles Times prizes.”

  “I’m sorry, Amanda,” said Simon.

  “Me too,” she said.

  Two days later, the hostages were released and the Wretch Society were named official guardians of the secrets trove. Charlotte surrendered her most prized possession, some striking indigo paint made from an extremely rare plant that was found only in the Amazon, and Thrillkill locked it away for safekeeping, this time in a real safe deposit box at a real bank.

  32

  Solvere Scelus

  The reunion between Ivy and Fern was something to see. The two of them hugged so hard they looked like one person, especially since they resembled each other so much in the first place. Then Fern started talking about a mile a minute and Ivy couldn’t get a word in edgewise. After that the two of them laughed so hard they had to hold their stomachs, and finally they broke into snippets of songs only they seemed to know.

  When Salty saw Fern, he gathered her up in his arms and held her as if he would never let go. Amanda and Simon looked at each other but didn’t say anything. Eventually they would have to tell her what they’d found out about him, but not yet. She was so happy they couldn’t bear to upset her.

  Gordon was equally ebullient. The shy, one-word boy had progressed from wallflower to motormouth almost overnight. He could not stop talking about how much fun he’d had “hanging out with the wretches” and “learning all kinds of neat stuff from them.” He had become particularly close with one Giovanni Bellicose, whom he pronounced “awesome” and “my best mate.” As it turned out, Mr. Bellicose was quite young himself, being only twenty-two and a recent Oxford art history graduate. The fact that the art history in question had focused on outsider art among dropout estate agents in Norwich only added to his glamor in Gordon’s eyes.

  “I’m going to be an art detective,” Gordon announced, astonishing everyone except Professor Browning, who was so pleased she took him aside and planned out a course of independent study for him.

  “That’s a really good choice for him,” said Ivy.

  “Yes, but who would have thunk it?” said Amanda. “I mean Gordon.”

  “Don’t be so closed-minded,” said Simon. “People will surprise you.”

  “Thank you, Sigmund,” said Amanda.

  “Just saying,” said Simon. “Did you think I’d be such a good kisser?”

  “Oh for heaven’s sake,” said Ivy.

  He nudged her and said, “I am, aren’t I?”

  Ivy took off her sunglasses, did that withering look thing, and said, “Yes, you are. Now can we please talk about something else?”

  Simon puckered up, but when Amanda gave him her version of a withering look he relaxed his lips and just winked.

  “I heard that,” said Ivy.

  Despina and Hill Lester were equally positive. Despina was overjoyed to have met a master artist (Cilla Frogslegs) who wanted to help her design a new line of clothing for jurors and would help her take the legal world by storm. This got Amphora’s attention, and she tried to worm her way into the endeavor by criticizing every idea the women had and pushing her own. However Despina was too happy to notice. Hill was enthusiastic as well. He claimed that he was going to take a class in creating art with found materials and was looking forward to selling his leaf and twig pieces to courts around the UK.

  “I’m thinking deciduous,” he said to Amanda, who had to look up the term. “And bark—lots of bark. Most people don’t realize how versatile bark is, but it is quite a hardy little material. Some varieties are even edible, although if people ate my art, it would change the composition, but now that I think of it, that would be the ultimate engagement of the viewer with the piece. I think I might just go for that.”

  Amanda looked at Simon and Simon looked at her. Another transformation. Hill hadn’t seemed to have a creative bone in his body, and look at him now. It seemed that the wretches had some magic of their own, turning base metals like Gordon and Hill into gold better than Alfie Kingsolver ever could. She was pleased.

  Jeffrey Lestrade was another matter, however. Sour, angry, and vindictive, he claimed that “this isn’t over” and promised to press charges against each and every wretch. Despina kept telling him to “Look on the bright side, dear,” but he would have none of it and claimed that he would see justice done as soon as he’d got out of the hospital. When Despina told him there was no need for him to be in hospital he told her that his injuries from his fight with Thrillkill were so serious that he might never be able to use his shoulder again, despite the fact that Amanda caught him practicing his golf swing when he thought no one was looking. When Amanda asked Thrillkill whether Jeffrey could mess up the deal, he told her to relax.

  “You needn’t worry about Inspector Lestrade,” he said, smiling for once. “I may not know every constable at the Windermere police station, but I have friends in high places at the Yard.”

  Professor Ducey’s shooting put a damper on things, but some good did come out of it. The Punitori realized that Amanda had been right when she’d produced her little “save the world” film: they were all stronger together. Having admitted that they’d been
rash, they made plans to return to Legatum at once. This, of course, posed the problem of what to do with the new teachers, including Professor Darktower and Lila Lester, among others, plus the extra décor gremlin. But everyone was too happy to worry about that just yet. Still, Amanda was hoping that her mother would be “made redundant,” as they say in the UK when they lay people off.

  “Maybe they’ll get rid of Darktower,” said Ivy.

  “If only,” said Amanda.

  “I don’t think he’s so bad,” said Simon.

  “Who are you talking about?” said Gordon.

  “The pirate,” said Amanda. “He’s meaner than Professor Buck.”

  “Oh, awesome,” said Gordon. “I can’t wait to take his class.”

  “Why?” said Amanda.

  “Sounds like someone I’d like to get to know,” said Gordon.

  Amanda rolled her eyes. Boys could be so weird sometimes.

  When everybody had settled down a bit, Thrillkill called the school together in the dining room (since the chapel was no longer usable, and boy, was it cramped) and the former captives told their story.

  It seemed that as they explored the second fork in the Penrith tunnel, they had come upon a constellation of small chambers and surprised the wretches at their work. This was a bit odd because these rooms were way off the mainline, tucked away in an obscure corner that Gordon had been dying to see. They had been seized at once, tied up before they knew what was happening, even Thrillkill, who was in top condition and high up in the martial arts hierarchy. Of course being slapped over the nose with a smelly rag didn’t help, which Thrillkill later conceded was quick thinking on the wretches’ part.

  The wretches had demanded to know what the group was up to. When Thrillkill told them that they were looking for the Moriartys they had laughed and said, “What a bunch of losers.” When Amanda heard this her first reaction was to get angry—she didn’t like anyone calling Nick a loser—but she caught herself when she remembered that Blixus, not Nick, had been the visible one and undoubtedly he was the one to make the impression on the wretches.

  Then the wretches had gone into a long manifesto, telling Thrillkill and the others how they wanted to be left alone to live their lives their own way and they were tired of having to go along with “the rules.” Thrillkill expressed sympathy for this point of view, astonishing not only the wretches but also Gordon and Fern, although not Despina, who despite her connection with the legal community was quite a free spirit.

  Of course it took some while to build trust among the two groups and the wretches kept Thrillkill and the others tied up for some time. Charlotte thought he was just agreeing with them so the wretches would let their guard down and was the longest holdout. Even after they had all begun to enjoy each other’s company she’d kept them restrained, although no weapons were ever used to keep them in line. Rather the wretches used toxic materials to subdue them, which was a new one in Thrillkill’s book. He was anxious to add that to the weapons curriculum but, he warned the kids, abuse of the materials would not be tolerated.

  The kids were full of questions. “What did you eat?” said Simon.

  “Honestly?” said Fern. “It was like camping. We ate a lot of hot dogs. The wretches know this little place that has the best mustard. They make good spaghetti too.”

  “Are the wretches crazy?” said Amphora.

  “I wouldn’t say that,” Fern said. “Eccentric is a better term.”

  “But they walk around looking like zombies,” said Amphora. “Why don’t they get some medical care?”

  “They’re very single-minded,” said Fern. “They don’t much notice how they look or feel. Although they’re aware enough that they know how to exploit their appearance to keep people away.”

  “The zombie thing,” said Clive.

  “Yes,” said Fern.

  “Nuts,” said Clive. “I was so hoping they were really zombies.”

  “You’ll like them,” said Fern. “They don’t have to be zombies for that.”

  Clive looked skeptical. “Do you think they’ll at least let me take pictures?”

  “I doubt it,” said Fern. “They’re very private.”

  “You could draw them,” said Amphora.

  Clive brightened and said, “I could, couldn’t I?”

  “What did Charlotte think of the art installation?” said Amphora. The room went silent. Not everyone knew about the Charlotte/Kindseth situation, but enough people did that the question disturbed them.

  None of the former hostages spoke. Then Gordon said, “She cried.”

  “How romantic,” said Amphora, eyeing Professor Kindseth. The teacher turned red and looked down at his shoes.

  “Ew,” said a couple of the younger boys. Amphora shot them a look that could kill.

  “That was a good idea,” said Gordon. “I mean I guess. We were having fun.”

  “You would have stayed there?” said Ivy.

  “Oh yeah,” said Gordon. “It was radical.”

  Amanda sighed. It was a little difficult to get her head around these unexpected reactions after all the misery they’d experienced worrying about Thrillkill and the others.

  “I’m glad you had a good time,” said Ivy tactfully. Not for the first time, Amanda thought she had the capability to be a lot more generous than most people.

  “Me too,” said Gordon. “I can’t wait to go back there and see what else I can find.”

  “So that’s the zombies then,” said Simon later.

  “Disappointed?” said Amanda.

  “Nah,” he said. “I never thought there were real zombies around here.”

  “Do you ever get tired of being skeptical, Simon?” said Ivy.

  “‘Course not,” he said. “Doubt is what makes people ask questions.”

  “So it does,” said Amanda. “Speaking of which, I forgot to ask Jeffrey if he was the one who moved the top off the sarcophagus. You know, the one that leads down into the tunnels.”

  “Who else could it have been?” said Ivy.

  “I guess no one,” said Amanda. “I shouldn’t have thought one person could move it by himself though.”

  The wretches did pass their test and made plans to move into the tunnels soon. Amanda thought Charlotte would take a bit of getting used to. She was a bit off-putting when you first met her, saying things like “The Diss Public Library has the world’s best collection of dung beetle footprints” and “Fleece is best when you dye it Kelly green,” but other than that she seemed okay. She was obviously smart and very talented, and Amanda could almost see what Professor Kindseth saw in her. She certainly was a lovely woman, with long red hair and pale skin, although at the moment she looked rather green and unhealthy. Professor Kindseth showed them a picture of her before she’d gone underground, though, and Amanda could see what she’d look like when restored to health.

  Charlotte did manage to clear up one mystery for them: the wretches were not making the gold coins the kids had seen in the tunnels. She had no idea where they were coming from, but she suspected the Moriartys had something to do with them. She denied having attacked anyone with swords, implying that Nick had been telling the truth when he said that the wretches hadn’t used swords against them. Unfortunately her statement cast aspersions on Thrillkill’s veracity, which upset Amanda as much as if Nick had been proven the liar. She hated not knowing whom to trust, and not for the first time thought maybe she should just go home to L.A. and make movies.

  In all the confusion the kids had forgotten about Amanda’s faulty helmet. Now they remembered, though, that Nick had discovered a batch of tiny holes in it, obviously manmade. The question was, who had made them and why.

  The first thing to do was examine the chain of custody to see who had access. Since the helmets had been stored inside the school, the culprit had to be someone there, or someone who had visited, perhaps Celerie Wiffle or Andalusia Sweetgum. Fortunately Nick didn’t qualify. If he’d fallen under suspicion Amanda woul
dn’t have known how to handle it. Of course he was the one who’d given up his good helmet for the bad one, so it didn’t make sense for him to be the tamperer, but tempers were running so high that that wouldn’t have mattered to people like Darktower and Lila.

  The helmets had been stored in a closet in the Weapons classroom. They had been purchased by a former weapons teacher for some exercises she had been conducting. Over the years, anyone inside Legatum could have gone into the room and taken them, although no one remembered there being any holes in them the last time they’d looked. Unfortunately that was years ago too.

  The kids also tried to determine what had made the holes. Since the metal was strong, it would have to have been some kind of powerful drill or awl, both of which were readily available on campus. Simon ended up matching them with a drill he found in one of the labs. It had been wiped clean. There was no way to tell who had used it.

  The next question was one of motive. Who would have wanted to harm Amanda, if indeed they’d known Amanda would be the one to wear the helmet? The kids had no idea. Did Amanda have enemies at Legatum? Most definitely, including Amphora, although no one seriously thought she could have done it. There was also Ancillary Darktower, and those older girls who had teased her for being a Lestrade. She had a high profile, and someone might be jealous, or resentful, or even just a troll.

  Of course it was possible that the helmet hadn’t been meant for Amanda at all. Darktower was a polarizing figure. He was a more logical target. Simon had his enemies too, although it was hard to imagine anyone wanting bump him off just because of his bluntness. And then there was Nick, who was the most likely of all.

  Who had known he was going on the mission? Just about everyone, and just about everyone disliked him, or worse. The kids had to admit that he was an even more likely target than Amanda. But was he the real one?