The Call of the Cat Basket

by James Barrie

  ◆◆◆

  Fifty yards away, the Macavity brothers were still fighting. As anyone who has been in a fight will tell you, punching and taking punches is tiring. They stood bent over, their hands on their thighs, trying to get their breath back.

  ‘Isn’t that Milton Macavity?’ one of the protestors said. ‘The escaped convict?’

  ‘And isn’t that Miles Macavity?’ another protestor said. ‘The disgraced banker?’

  ‘Bloody scum! Let’s get them!’

  And the crowd descended on the two brothers.

  ◆◆◆

  Theodore stared down at the ticking rucksack. He had managed to dismount his steed by the Roman Column, the dog returning to the crowd, its job done.

  Theodore used his paws to lift the flap on the rucksack. There was a drawstring with a toggle attached. Theodore bit into the toggle and pulled it down the string. He then loosened the opening at the top of the bag before peering inside.

  The ticking box inside was covered by many brightly coloured wires: red, green, blue and yellow. There was an LED, which ticked down the seconds until the bomb went off: 058, 057, 056, 055…

  He realised that he had less than a minute to defuse the bomb. He flexed his claws and stared at the many wires and cables.

  047, 046, 045, 044…

  He knew that if he chose the wrong one, he would be cremains.

  033, 032, 031, 029…

  He thought briefly of Emily; he would never see his human ever again.

  021, 020, 019, 018…

  He wondered at the state of his food bowls; he would not be around to find out.

  013, 012, 011…

  He needed to focus on the situation. He stared at the network of wires and cables. Then he reached in a claw.

  007, 006, 005…

  Red, green, blue or yellow?

  He reached inside.

  003, 002…

  He grabbed several cables in his claw and clamped down his jaws.

  001…

  The LED flashed 000.

  Nothing happened. No big bang. No toppling column. No flattened protestors. No screaming people. Just the absence of ticking.

  Theodore had saved hundreds of lives. He was a hero. Then he felt a jab in his side. He pulled his head out of the rucksack.

  ‘Out of it!’ a man in a Guy Fawkes mask said, and tapped him in his side again with his boot.

  Theodore hissed at the masked man.

  The man raised his foot. ‘Get out of it!’ he said. ‘I’m having that bag and whatever’s in it.’

  Then Theodore was pushed aside and the masked man grabbed the rucksack. He didn’t bother looking inside. He pulled it over his shoulder and disappeared into the night.

  Theodore watched as the rucksack disappeared.

  Now you can come home, came the voice in his head. You managed to stop Miles killing the protestors. Your job is done. You are a hero! You can come back and have a long rest now.

  I will, Theodore thought back.

  You will?

  Yes, as soon as I’ve found Milton. I need to make sure he is returned safely to Full Sutton. We can’t have him left wandering the streets.

  Oh, please yourself, you foolish cat!

  The Bonfire of the Macavities

  Emily and Jonathan watched as Miles and then Milton Macavity were dragged by the angry mob through the Museum Gardens, where a big bonfire awaited the brothers.

  ‘Well, I guess those two are going to get what’s coming to them,’ Emily said.

  ‘They can’t throw them on the fire,’ Jonathan said.

  ‘Why ever not?’

  ‘Milton’s got my jeans and shirt for a start,’ Jonathan said, shaking his head.

  ‘Well, maybe it’s time you got yourself a new wardrobe,’ Emily said. ‘The Corduroy Kid!’

  ‘Don’t you start.’

  ‘Isn’t that Brian May over there?’ Emily said, nodding at an old man with long, wavy grey hair.

  ‘What would the famous guitarist from Queen and astrophysicist be doing in the Museum Gardens on Bonfire Night? I’m sure he’s got better things to do. Like badger watching…’

  ‘Yes, I’m sure you’re right,’ Emily said, watching the figure disappear into the crowd in front of the museum.

  ◆◆◆

  ‘I’m a victim!’ Milton shouted as he was dragged towards the fire. ‘A victim… I’m the one who was trying to stop Miles from blowing you all up.’

  ‘He’s lying!’ Miles shouted at the crowd. ‘He’s trying to save his skin. He was the one who was going to blow up a bomb and kill and maim you all. That’s why he escaped from prison this morning. He is a violent criminal.’

  ‘It’s not true,’ Milton protested, as he was pulled through the gates of the gardens. ‘If anyone was going to blow anyone up, it was him.’

  ‘He’s a liar!’ Miles shouted.

  ‘Let’s just burn them both!’ a Guy Fawkes said and the crowd roared in agreement.

  ‘Stop!’ Milton cried, as he was pulled towards the pyre.

  ‘Murderer!’ a voice called out.

  ‘Burn him!’ another shouted.

  ‘Throw them both on the fire!’

  Milton gazed out at the masked faces in the crowd. Cows, badgers, Guy Fawkeses and kids in Radiohead T-shirts.

  ‘This is a farce,’ he called out. ‘A farce!’

  More of a tragedy, thought Theodore, trying to get to Milton. But the crowd had a million booted-feet that stomped the ground around him.

  Then a combat boot came down on his tail. He let out a yowl. ‘That’s my tail!’ He yowled again.

  As the combat boot lifted, he pulled his tail out and beneath his body.

  He looked around. He saw a stone stump: the remnant of one of the old columns of St Mary’s Abbey. He made for it.

  Jonathan and Emily were searching in the shadows of the ruins.

  ‘We’re never going to find him,’ Jonathan said. ‘There are too many people about.’

  ‘I know he’s out here somewhere,’ Emily said. ‘We can’t give up on him now.’

  ‘Isn’t that Willie Nelson over there?’ Jonathan said, pointing at a short man with a ponytail.

  ‘Looks more like Tom Yorke,’ Emily said.

  ‘Don’t be stupid… What would the lead singer of Radiohead be doing at a protest demonstration in the Museum Gardens on Bonfire Night?’

  ‘I could say the same about Willie Nelson.’

  Just then they heard a yowl.

  ‘Did you hear that?’ Emily said.

  ‘It sounded like a peacock,’ Jonathan said.

  ‘There hasn’t been a peacock in the gardens for years,’ Emily said. ‘It was Theo. He’s in trouble… Come on!’

  Emily pushed her way through the crowd towards the fire. Jonathan followed.

  ◆◆◆

  ‘I knew nothing about a bomb,’ Milton protested as he was dragged towards the fire. He could feel the heat on his face.

  ‘He’s guilty,’ a Guy Fawkes shouted. ‘I found the bomb. It was in a bag by the Roman Column. He had set it to go off and kill us…’ He held up the blue rucksack.

  ‘The monster!’ a Radiohead fan called out.

  ‘I managed to defuse it,’ the Guy Fawkes said. ‘Before it exploded.’

  ‘You’re a hero,’ the Radiohead fan said.

  ‘Burn him! Burn him! Burn him!’ the crowd chanted at Milton.

  ‘I never put it there,’ Milton protested. ‘I wasn’t even sure there was a bomb.’

  ‘Of course you did,’ Miles cried. ‘He planned to kill you all. He phoned me from Full Sutton and said he had plans for this evening. I was trying to stop him. When I found out he had escaped from prison, I knew I had to find him and stop him. Burn him!’

  ‘Burn him! Burn him! Burn him!’ the crowd chanted, pushing Milton towards the flames.

  Then a flare went off. The ruins of St Mary’s Abbey were lit up in blue-white light.

  Milton spotted Theodore standing o
n the stump of an old column.

  He pointed at the cat. ‘That cat knows the truth,’ he cried. ‘He knows that I was trying to stop Miles. I wasn’t the one who planted the bomb…’

  The crowd turned to look at the cat.

  Theodore stared out at the masked faces and then at Milton. He knew that whatever he said, it wasn’t going to save Milton. He miaowed out Milton’s innocence knowing that it would fall on deaf ears.

  Then Miles said, ‘It’s just a big fluffy cat!’

  There were loud murmurings among the crowd.

  ‘Maybe it’s not just a cat,’ a girl in a cow costume said.

  Theodore miaowed again.

  ‘It seems to be trying to tell us something,’ a badger-faced boy said.

  ‘Let’s put it to the test,’ a Radiohead fan said. ‘Form a space between the cat and these two…’

  The crowd parted to create a corridor between the cat and the two brothers.

  The Radiohead fan now addressed Theodore. ‘Now, let us know which of these brothers is telling the truth. Is it Milton, the escaped murderer? Was he actually trying to stop his brother from setting off a bomb this evening?

  ‘Or was Milton indeed trying to stop his brother, the disgraced banker Miles Macavity, from setting off a bomb in the crowd?’

  Theodore stood on the column. He looked from the face of one brother to the other.

  ‘Here kitty, kitty…,’ Miles pleaded.

  ‘You remember me, don’t you?’ Milton said. ‘I’m the one who saved you from the river. I’m the one who made a fire and warmed your fur. I’m the one who fed you toasted marshmallows…’

  With that, Theodore jumped down and trotted over to Milton. He brushed against his legs.

  ‘The cat says Milton is the good guy,’ the badger boy said. ‘So Miles must be the bad guy.’

  ‘Then it’s Miles that we’ll burn on the bonfire,’ the cow girl said.

  And so Miles was dragged off to be burned on the fire.

  ‘Well, I guess I owe you one,’ Milton said to the cat.

  Theodore miaowed up at the escaped convict. He narrowed his eyes.

  ‘What’s this?’ Milton said. ‘You want me to give myself in?’

  Theodore miaowed again.

  ‘Well, we did stop Miles and that’s why I broke out. I guess you’ve got a point.’

  ‘And I think you should give me back my shirt and jeans,’ Jonathan said, pushing his way through to the front of the crowd.

  ‘Well, I did just borrow them from your washing line,’ Milton said. ‘I’ll make sure they’re returned as soon as I’ve handed myself in…’

  Then Emily approached Theodore. ‘Theo!’ she cried.

  Theodore raced towards his human and jumped into her arms. As they hugged, more fireworks lit up the sky.

  ‘I’m so glad I’ve got you back,’ Emily said, staring into his big, green eyes. ‘Whatever were you thinking: going out on Bonfire Night?’

  Then floodlights lit up the whole of the Museum Gardens. Everyone turned towards the light.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Emily said, clutching Theodore to her chest.

  Jonathan noticed a huge banner hanging down the building’s façade:

  ROCK FOR UNITY!

  Then Brian May appeared on the museum roof, his guitar strapped over his shoulder.

  ‘It is Brian May!’ Jonathan said.

  He was shortly joined by Radiohead singer Tom Yorke.

  ‘It is Tom Yorke!’ Emily said.

  ‘No, that’s Willie Nelson,’ Jonathan said.

  The crowd burst into applause.

  ‘And that’s Phil Collins on drums!’ Jonathan said as a huge drum kit was picked out by a spotlight and Phil did a drumroll to thunderous applause.

  I knew there was something in the air tonight, thought Theodore, pushing himself against Emily’s chest.

  ‘I didn’t know that there was going to be a rock concert,’ Jonathan said.

  ‘Me neither,’ Emily said.

  Brian approached the microphone, set up on the edge of the building. ‘Take off your masks!’ he called out to the crowd. ‘We must unite to be strong. Together we are stronger. Together we can fight the system. Together we can make a difference…

  ‘We must act now for our planet. We must act now for the cows, for the badgers, for the polar bears. Climate change is real. We cannot be complacent. But we must do it together.’

  The crowd applauded.

  Then Tom Yorke/Willie Nelson joined Brian May at the microphone. ‘We must stop hiding behind masks,’ he said. ‘We must stop fighting amongst ourselves. We must forget our differences… We must work together!’

  The crowd cheered.

  ‘Cast off your masks and be yourselves! Now is the time to come together! Together we are stronger!’

  People in the crowd began to take off their masks.

  ‘Now burn your masks and outfits!’ Brian cried. ‘Throw your shackles onto the bonfire!’

  Members of the crowd began to approach the bonfire and throw on their masks and costumes. There were whoops and cheers. People began to hug one another.

  The cow furry and the badger furry who had been fighting in front of York Minster half an hour earlier took off their fluffy heads and threw them onto the bonfire. They turned and faced each other.

  The cow furry smiled at the badger furry. ‘Hug?’ she said.

  The badger furry smiled back. ‘Hug,’ he said.

  They hugged each other and soon they were kissing.

  I wonder what their offspring will look like? wondered Theodore. Compact cows with stripy noses and pointed hooves perhaps.

  ‘What’s that awful smell?’ Emily said, wincing.

  ‘I think it’s the smell of burning flesh and plastic,’ Jonathan said, his hand across his mouth and nose.

  ‘It stinks,’ said Emily.

  Theodore miaowed impatiently. Can we please go home now?

  Probably the most sensible idea you’ve had for quite some time, came the voice of the cat basket.

  ‘Yes, come on,’ Emily said, looking down at Theodore. ‘Let’s get Theo home!’

  ‘Yes,’ Jonathan said, ‘I think a large mug of Yorkshire Tea is in order after the day I’ve had.’

  ‘After the day you’ve had?’

  ‘After the day we’ve had.’

  I think a 12 hour nap is in order, thought Theodore as he was carried through the crowd.

  As they approached the gates to the Museum Gardens, the band on the roof of the museum began to blast out The Beatles’ Come Together.

  Theodore glanced down and saw a flyer on the ground, creased and smeared with mud:

  ROCK FOR UNITY – 5 NOVEMBER

  Super Group Tribute Band!

  Featuring…

  Brian Maybe-May on guitar

  Thom York (without an ‘e’) on vocals (Radiohead tribute and Willie Nelson lookalike)

  Phil Collings (with a ‘g’) on drums

  Plus Very Special Guests!!!

  It wasn’t Willie Nelson or Thom Yorke, Theodore thought disappointedly. Just some copycats…

  ◆◆◆

  As they neared home, Theodore heard a voice.

  I’m here waiting for you. Come on then!

  Theodore realised it was his cat basket calling. He struggled in Emily’s arms.

  ‘I think he knows he’s near home,’ Jonathan said.

  ‘Yes, I think he does,’ Emily said.

  She put him down on the pavement.

  Come on then! Your bed is nice and warm and waiting for you…

  Theodore began to run. He dashed down the side of a house. He jumped over boundary walls until he reached his own backyard. He darted through the cat flap into the kitchen. There in front of him was his cat basket. He dived inside.

  Welcome back, Theo!

  By the time Emily and Jonathan unlocked the front door Theodore was purring from within his fur-lined cocoon.

  ‘I think he’s glad to be home,’ Emily s
aid. ‘I know I am.’

  ‘Yes,’ Jonathan said. ‘I’ll put the kettle on.’

  ‘And after a nice cup of Yorkshire Tea, we could have an early night,’ Emily said. ‘We don’t need to be up in the morning now my parents are looking after Joseph…’

  ‘Perhaps we could skip the tea?’

  Porridge Eaters

  ‘Following a surprise concert in the Museum Gardens in York last night, human remains have been discovered in a bonfire,’ the newsreader read. ‘The police have stated that they do not suspect foul play. They are not looking for anyone in connection with the incident.’

  Jonathan raised an eyebrow, not looking away from the television screen. Well, that’s the end of Miles Macavity, he thought.

  Theodore peered out from the safety of his cat basket. Well, that’s the end of Miles Macavity, he thought.

  ‘In other news: Milton Macavity is back behind bars having given himself in to the police in the early hours of this morning at Fulford Police Station. He said it was a bit cold outside and he got hungry and wanted his porridge.’

  ‘In other local news today, a man has been found in a suitcase on a roundabout in the Tang Hall area of York. A passer-by heard noises and, on opening the suitcase, discovered the man bound and gagged with gaffer tape. The man is being cared for at York Hospital. At present it is not known how he came to be in the suitcase.’

  Theodore raised an eyebrow. Yesterday it was a cat in a packed lunch bag; today a man in a suitcase. Was there a connection? he wondered.

  Don’t start getting involved again in human affairs, came the voice from around him. You keep your nose out of it.

  Yes, you’re probably right, Theodore thought back.

  Emily came into the kitchen. ‘I wonder if Joseph’s had his porridge yet,’ she said. ‘I should call my mum and make sure he’s all right.’

  Porridge, thought Theodore. The food of human juveniles, old people with no teeth and prisoners, certainly not fit for feline consumption.

  He peered out across the kitchen. He noticed his cat flap set into the door.

  Don’t even think about it, came the voice of the cat basket. You stay home and rest…