Love and Decay

by Rachel Higginson

  “Why?” I asked.

  Her finger brushed down my nose. “So I can remember how very lucky I am.”

  I shook my head and the memory danced away. The store didn’t resemble anything like the busy supermarket from my mind. I stood in the middle of something completely opposite.

  This was a different world.

  A different existence.

  Shelves and dividers had been pushed to the four corners of the room, marking off places for privacy. We walked by one and I could see cots and beds lined up side by side. The middle of the room had been filled with couches and chairs and tables. It reminded me of our common room back at the station.

  There wasn’t much else, but there didn’t need to be. The spacious building would house plenty of people. And as far as I could tell, it was pretty secure.

  By the time we made it to the middle of the room, Luke and his people were just finishing a security sweep of the building.

  They returned to the couched area where we had all but taken over. My family and friends had already spread out to take care of themselves, whether that meant rocking a child to sleep or changing their socks and shirts.

  Luke stood in front of us and explained the day. “We didn’t expect you,” he said unnecessarily. “And because we didn’t know we’d be returning with anyone but Ripley, we’d planned a little excursion into Allentown to check on some things. I understand this might be an inconvenience for you, but I’m not going to change our plans.”

  “We’re not asking you to,” Hendrix told him immediately. “We can adapt to your schedule.”

  Luke nodded. “Good. You will be safe here. This is a place we use often. It’s well out of the way and unknown to most that live in this area. We’ve taken pains to secure the building and you won’t be alone. I’ll only be taking a small team with me.”

  My family seemed happy with his explanation but my curiosity had been stoked. “Where exactly are you going?”

  His gaze moved to mine and I felt like I was hooked up to IVs again. I felt like I did when Oliver, Fang and Shay studied me. Or like my blood when they put it under their microscopes. “We have a contact in Allentown. We needed to touch base with him.”

  “So this is a Colony settlement?”

  Luke seemed to have to grapple for patience. “Obviously.”

  “You’re going into the city?”

  “Yes,” Luke replied succinctly.

  “You know a secret way in? Or is your contact a guard?”

  “No, my contact is not a guard. Yes, I know a way in.”

  He started to turn around. “How many people are you taking?”

  He began walking away, “Three. Tops.”

  I had just sat down, but I popped right up again. Miller’s hand reached for mine as I rushed by him, but I didn’t stop. I couldn’t.

  “I want to go,” I told Luke, matching his strides.

  Luke made an amused sound in the back of his throat. “No way.”

  “Yes,” I insisted. “I want to go. I need to see what one of these towns is like.”

  He gave me a sideways glance. “Not a chance in hell, woman. You barely survived the attack on the highway. I’m not going to take you into the middle of enemy fire and hope your family shows up to save you.”

  Fury hit me like a slap in the face. But I wasn’t just mad. I was offended.

  These were the same accusations that Miller had tossed at me months ago. People couldn’t see past my family to see the warrior I had living inside me. Just because my brother had helped in the car didn’t mean he always helped.

  I was clearly capable of taking care of myself.

  I was just lucky enough to have a family that was still alive and would do anything for me.

  But that went both ways. I’d saved them as often as they’d saved me.

  My voice dropped low and feral when I said, “I don’t need my family to save me. I can do that on my own.”

  Another sideways glance. “I’m not taking you, Page. You’re a newbie. You don’t know the area. You don’t know the Colony. You don’t know the contact. If I lost you out there, you’d be at the mercy of the elements, Horde and Colony guard. We might have different opinions on a few key issues, but I’m not going to ask you to walk into that and cross my fingers that you’ll come out alive.”

  Frustration boiled into anger. “You don’t have to cross your fingers, because I already know I’m not going to die. I already know I can handle this situation. And any other situation you throw my way. I’m not some weak, helpless female, Luke. I’ve been fighting Feeders since I was ten years old and I’ve been surviving them since even before that.”

  “Fine, then I’m not going to risk my distraction and get myself killed.”

  “Your distraction?” I laughed, unsure of what he meant. “What do you mean by that?”

  He didn’t hesitate to respond. “My distraction because I’ll be so concerned about not getting you killed that I’ll inevitably get myself killed instead.”

  “But-”

  He threw up a hand. “I respect your brothers, Page. I respect that you already lost a brother. I won’t do that to them again. I won’t let them lose a sister, too.”

  “Stop,” I demanded. I grabbed his wrist and yanked him back before he could disappear into one of the bedded rooms. “Listen to me.” Reluctantly he turned to face me. I could tell by his expression that he didn’t think anything I had to say would ever change his mind. His impatient, longsuffering sigh didn’t help my confidence, but I refused to let him bully me. I said what I needed to say, “I’m here to help you. Me. Not my brothers. Not the Mexican army we brought with us or the Colombians. Or the scientists. Or anybody but me. Those people are here for me. If I said let’s leave, they would leave. They’d walk all the way back to goddamn Colombia because I asked them to. Because they already walked here, to this place, because I asked them to. They don’t want to be here. They don’t want to fight this war. They don’t want to help you. And they certain never want to hear about or face or look at or deal with Matthias Allen ever again. But like I said, they’re here because I asked them to be. Because I do want to fight this war. I do want to help these people. I do want to work with you and fight with you and take out Matthias Allen forever with you. But you have to let me in. You can’t just keep boxing me out, hoping Hendrix and Nelson will show up when I don’t. That’s not how this works. You deal with me or you don’t deal with any of us.”

  Luke’s gaze narrowed and his force field of animosity turned on full force. “Are you blackmailing me?”

  I almost laughed. “I’m telling you how it is. Blackmail is a threat. I’m not threatening you; I’m just being honest with you.”

  He stared at me for a long minute. Finally, he pushed his shoulders back uncomfortably and sighed impatiently again. “Only you. I’m not babysitting more than one of you.”

  I shrugged as casually as I could. “Sure. Not a problem.” It was going to be a major problem, but he didn’t need to know that.

  “And you keep up with us and stay silent. You talk a lot. I can’t have that on this mission.”

  Irritated again, I snapped, “I know how to be quiet.”

  He didn’t look convinced. “And you hold your own. If we get caught, nobody is going to be there to risk their life for you. Got it?”

  “I got it.” I wanted to punch him in his already crooked nose. “I’m not new at this, Luke. I’ve killed plenty of Feeders before.”

  “Yeah? But what about men? How many Colony soldiers have you killed? How many healthy lives have you taken?”

  I thought back to Hank. I wouldn’t have killed him. Even though he’d threatened my life. Even though he’d nearly killed my niece by letting Feeders free in the station. I wouldn’t have killed him. Miller had done something I never would have.

  But that was something else Luke never needed to know about. “I said I can take care of myself.”

  His eyes moved over me. They started a
t my toes and worked up slowly. I felt every inch and piece of me being weighed in his mind. He was deciding if I had worth or not. He was deciding if he’d made a mistake or not.

  “Good,” he bit out. He turned around again and started walking off. “You have a couple hours to rest. But be ready when it’s time to go.”

  I nodded even though he couldn’t see me. I stood there for a long moment after he’d disappeared into the barracks area. I should have felt like I won something.

  I wanted to be excited, or at least anxious, to finally see for myself what Colony life was like.

  Instead, I felt defeated somehow. This was not at all how I expected this to go. And now I had to explain to my family that I’d be taking off on my own. Without them.

  Something I had never anticipated having to do.

  Ever.

  Even when I knew not everyone would be fighting this war, I still expected Harrison and King to be at my side.

  But this was something I was going to have to do alone. And it wouldn’t only be my brothers upset with me.

  It would be Miller too.

  Maybe it was better just to go. Maybe I could sneak out without telling anyone.

  Maybe I-

  I turned around and found my entire family staring at me.

  Shit.

  Well, sneaking out wasn’t an option anymore.

  Hendrix and Nelson separated from the pack and approached me. They looked like soldiers preparing for war. There was nothing soft or brotherly about them right now. They were all scary business with no room for negotiating.

  I looked at Hendrix and shriveled a little at the expression on his face. I glanced around for help, but Nelson wasn’t any better. His lips pressed into a harsh frown and his eyes bored holes in my soul, threatening true bodily harm if I went through with my plans.

  Hysterical laughter bubbled up inside me, but I pushed it down. Now was not the time to find this ironic.

  Ironic because I could face an entire horde of Feeders. By myself. Without fear. Or at least without crippling fear.

  But my angry brothers were an entirely different terrifying beast.

  I plastered on my most innocent expression. “Wh-what?”

  “Nope.” Hendrix folded his arms over his chest and I believed him.

  “I-”

  He added a firm head shake. “Nope.”

  “It’s just for a little-”

  “Forget it.”

  Nelson chimed in too. “Not by yourself. Not after you’ve been in a car all night with no sleep.”

  “It’s a recon mission!” I protested, gaining speed. “I won’t be fighting or killing or dying. I’m just going to check it out. That’s all.”

  “If you think we’re going to believe that, you are out of your damn mind!” Hendrix added. “Page, your entire existence revolves around those three things. Today is not going to be any different.”

  I threw my hands to my sides in frustration. “Then why did we come? Why did we risk everything to be here if I’m not really going to be here?” I dropped my hands and my entire body sagged with defeat. “I can’t keep fighting with you about this. I really can’t. Either I’m all the way in or we have to go back.”

  Hendrix flinched and I immediately felt guilty for yelling at him. He didn’t soften his stance or unfold his arms, but he did share a meaningful look with Nelson. And then he said, “You have no idea what you’re asking me to do.”

  I nodded. I could understand his point of view. I still didn’t agree with him though. “Yeah, but you’re not asking me anything. You’re just telling me. And ordering me. And you’re still in charge even though you gave that up. They’re never going to respect me if they’re always looking to you two for leadership. I’m never going to get a chance to do what I came here to do when everyone is still always looking at you two.”

  The look on Hendrix’s face would haunt me for the rest of my life. He flinched, painfully… tragically… destroyed. I read him immediately. I knew my brother and I knew that he hated my mission. Even if he believed in me and our reasons for returning and all the thousand other things I’d argued with him, he still hated the idea that I would take this upon myself and face this gigantic potential for disaster.

  My heart hurt looking at my older brother. Part of me felt like a disappointment. I wanted nothing more than to be the person Hendrix wanted me to be. I wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted to always make him happy and pleased with my behavior. But there was another part of me that screamed truth and conviction and resolve.

  I honestly didn’t know which side of me would win this internal war until Nelson stepped in. “We can’t let you go,” he admitted. “Not alone. Not without Harrison or King. Or even Miller.”

  “We don’t know these people,” Hendrix continued. “Truthfully, I don’t trust them. Is this really what you expected?” His voice dropped to a steely whisper. “Is Luke what you expected?”

  No, he wasn’t. But admitting that would be conceding defeat. And I wasn’t backing down with this. “How could I have known what to expect? I’ve never really known Luke and the few messages we’ve sent back and forth have been nothing more than war reports. But this is what I hoped he would be.” Semi-lie. “He’s a leader. He has people to protect and an enemy that won’t go away. What did you expect?”

  Hendrix held my gaze. “His father.” I opened my mouth to protest, but Hendrix waved me off. “Andy had integrity and compassion. Andy had a way with people that made them feel at ease and welcome. Luke does neither of those things.”

  “That doesn’t mean he isn’t a good leader.”

  Nelson huffed a frustrated sound. “Page, if we forbid you to go are you still going to go anyway?”

  Fire burned through my veins and billowed in my chest. “Are you going to forbid me?”

  My brothers and I faced off, neither side willing to back down or give up. I chewed my bottom lip until I tasted blood. I hated that we were back in this same place, arguing over the same shit. They should know better. They should remember why we’re here and what they promised.

  “Let her go,” the voice startled me out of my death glare.

  Reagan stepped into the circle, shattering the wall of silence building between us. She wrapped her arms around Hendrix’s waist and looked up into his ice blue eyes. “Let her go,” she repeated. “This war isn’t going to be won by pushing your sister further away.”

  “Why are you on her side?” he demanded.

  Reagan held his gaze, “Because I would have done the same thing once upon a time.”

  Relief flooded through me. It was nice to have Reagan on my side, even if it was a surprise. She had fought the hardest not to come. And yet, here she was standing up for me in front of my bully brothers.

  Hendrix’s eyebrow lifted, “And if something happens to her?”

  Reagan’s hand landed on his cheek, “Have faith that she’s the woman you raised her to be.”

  Nelson let out a shaky laugh. “Of course, Reagan is the voice of reason in this situation.” He looked over at his sister-in-law and smirked at her. “Only Reagan would see the logic in all of this.”

  I took a step back, ready to retreat before they changed their minds. “You’re not going to fight me anymore on this?” The hope in my voice was embarrassing, but I didn’t try to hide it.

  “This time,” Hendrix called after me. “Next time you take your brothers.”

  I saluted him and then hurried away. I had no idea where I was going but I wasn’t going to take the chance of them deciding Reagan was out of her mind- which likely she was. I would say goodbye before I left them for real, but right now I needed some space.

  I had just decided to find a place to wash up when Miller’s arm wrapped around my bicep and tugged me to a stop. I whirled around to find a seething madman. His eyes had darkened until they were almost black. His hair was wild from the night and the wind and the energy jumped off him in sharp bursts of aggression. He pulled me close t
o him and his heat immediately overwhelmed me.

  “You aren’t going to ask me what I think before you jump into this stupid suicide mission?” he demanded.

  My emotions were still strained from my argument with my brother. “I wasn’t aware that I needed to ask your permission. I was under the most ridiculous impression that my decisions were up to me.”

  He leaned in. “I’m not saying I wanted you to ask my permission. I’m just throwing it out there that since you’re… my… we’re… we’re whatever it is that we’re doing, that you would want to have a conversation with me before you walk straight into hell by yourself. Not because you need me to say yes. But because I might care if something horrific happens to you.”

  My throat burned with regret. I closed my eyes briefly, embarrassed by my behavior. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “My brothers got me all worked up.”

  His eyes moved over my face and body, taking in every inch and piece of me. “We had a close call last night,” he reminded me. “And now you want to go right back out. Do you ever quit?”

  His question was soft enough that more of my anger fizzled out. I wanted to be mad at him, but not because of him. I was just ready to be mad at the entire world. My family could be beyond frustrating, but more than that I needed some space. I needed to have some breathing room and get out from under this constant microscope.

  “I don’t think I know how,” I told him. “Not until this thing is over. Not until your dad is dead.”

  His forehead dropped to mine. “I get that, Page. I feel the same way. I want him dead more than anybody alive. I promise you that. I promise I want it more than you. But if you’re not smart about this, it’s going to be the other way around. He’s going to find you first.”

  “Are you saying I shouldn’t go?”

  He shook his head slowly. “I’m saying… I’m saying don’t run into the burning building hoping to drag every casualty to safety while you’re also on fire. Put the fire out first. Stop being on fire first. Then save the people.”

  “I think your analogy is smarter than me.”