by Amber Garza
Go back to when life was carefree.
CHAPTER 24
Chloe
I told myself I was going to Ryan’s memorial service because it was the right thing to do. But who was I kidding? I wanted to see Holden, plain and simple. However, it seemed wrong to be thinking about a boy when people had lost their lives this week. Our school had suffered a horrible tragedy, and that was so much more important than my crush on a boy.
Still, I ended up going to the church. And now I was glad I had. Holden was genuinely happy to see me when I showed up. He held my hand through the entire service as if drawing strength from my presence. When it ended, he made me promise to wait for him so we could talk. I wanted to say no. Holden had so much on his plate right now. Worrying about me shouldn’t be something he had to concern himself with. But when his eyes met mine, I couldn’t refuse him. Instead, I nodded and headed outside to wait while Holden spoke to Ryan’s family.
Hugging myself, I shivered. I stayed close to the church, hidden under the large awning. The clouds were even darker than when I’d arrived. It looked like it would rain any minute. Cold wind blew over my skin, causing goosebumps to rise on my arms.
“Hi, Chloe.”
I looked up to see Holden’s mom approaching.
“Hi.”
“It’s nice to see you again.” She surprised me by flashing a genuine smile. I figured she’d hate me. I was the reason her son had been injured, after all.
“Nice to see you again too,” I answered honestly. From over her shoulder I caught Bethany and her friends peering at me. It made me even more grateful to be chatting with Holden’s mom.
A nice-looking man wearing a suit came to join us.
“James, this is Chloe. She’s a…” Holden’s mom stopped as if trying to figure out what to call me. “a friend of Holden’s.”
“Nice to meet you.” James stuck out his hand.
“You too.” I shook his hand.
Holden swaggered up behind him. I couldn’t help but appreciate how good he looked in his suit. Remembering where I was, I shook away the thoughts. Holden placed a hand on his mom’s shoulder.
“Are you ready?” His mom asked.
“Um…” he glanced over at me, a question in his eyes. “I think I’ll catch a ride with Chloe.”
My stomach flipped.
“If that’s okay with you?” He raised a brow.
I hesitated, but those dark eyes won me over every time. “Okay.”
“Be careful.” His mom pointed her finger at him. Then she turned to me. “Make sure he doesn’t overexert himself. He needs to be careful with his arm.”
“I’ll make sure of it.” I nodded.
She blew out a reluctant breath. “All right. Be home soon.” After patting his cheek, she and James headed out into the parking lot.
“Thank you.” Holden grinned at me. “Mom’s been breathing down my neck for days. I needed a break.”
“Glad I could be of service.” It was weird bantering with him like nothing had happened. Like this huge event hadn’t ripped our world apart.
“Wanna get outta here?”
I nodded. More than anything.
We got in my car, and I immediately turned on the heater. Warm air spilled from the vents, warming my icy fingers. Since I still wasn’t entirely familiar with Folsom, Holden directed me and we drove out to the lake. After parking, we walked down near the water and sat on picnic bench. I wasn’t sure what we were doing out here. It wasn’t exactly the kind of weather for an outdoor activity. As the clouds rolled overhead, the sky around us turned even darker. Wind whipped through the trees. Holden moved closer to me, wrapping his good arm around me and drawing me toward him until my back was flush against his chest.
“I’ve missed you,” he said.
I wanted to tell him I’d missed him too, but the words lodged in my throat.
“Why have you been avoiding me?” He asked.
Way to get right to it. I stared out at the water. It rippled in the breeze. The scent of damp earth washed over me. “I guess I just feel so bad about everything that happened.”
“Chloe, you can’t blame yourself for what happened. Like I was trying to tell you before. The police have been investigating, and according to the news reports, Preston has been planning something like this for a long time. Long before you came to town. In fact, a couple of years ago he was suspended for threatening to shoot up the school during an assembly.”
I stiffened. That’s what Jasmine and Gianna had alluded to awhile back when they were warning me to stay away from Preston. “If he was a danger, why was he still at this school? And better yet, why wasn’t the school doing anything about the bullying?”
Holden shook his head. “Apparently the bullies were talked to. They apologized and said they’d stop.”
I was shocked at the ignorance of the school staff.
“And Preston had been forced to see a school counselor for awhile, but apparently she thought he’d made great progress.”
“Yeah. Clearly.” I snorted.
“And it’s not like he had a weapon or anything,” Holden continued. “His house was apparently searched at the time of his suspension and they found nothing incriminating. It sounds like they’d just chalked it up to a kid getting angry and lashing out.”
The whole thing was baffling to me. “It’s sickening that no one tried to help him even after he’d clearly been crying out for it.”
“You did.” His grip on me tightened. “You tried to help him. Don’t ever forget that.”
“But it wasn’t enough.” Disentangling myself from Holden, I sat up. “And now everything is ruined.”
“No, everything is not ruined. We’re still here.” He scooted toward me, his hand lighting on my face.
Tears filled my eyes. “I can’t do this, Holden.” I pulled back.
“Do what?”
“This.” I pointed between us.
“Why not?”
“It just doesn’t seem right. Not now. Not after everything that’s happened.”
“I think it’s right because of what happened.” He reached for me again, his hand curving around my face. It felt good, and I didn’t want to pull away. “If I’ve learned anything this week, it’s that life is fleeting. You have to grab hold of things while you still have the chance. I’ll never have another opportunity to talk to Ryan, or apologize to Preston. But you and I still have moments left. Moments we can spend together.” He moved so close his warm breath fanned over my face. “Chloe, when Preston pointed that gun at you, I realized how much I cared about you. How much I didn’t want to lose you. And I still don’t.”
I thought about what Holden had sacrificed to save me. How he risked his chance of ever playing football for me. “I don’t want to lose you either.”
“Then stop pushing me away. Let me help you.” His lips brushed over my cheek. “Let’s help each other.”
I felt heady. A small raindrop hit my face, and then another and another. Dropping my head back, I stared up at the clouds just as they opened up, rain pelting my skin. Warm lips skated across my neck. I inhaled sharply. Lowering my head, I stared into Holden’s eyes. They were filled with a hunger that warmed my insides. His fingers slipped beneath my hair as his lips crashed into mine. There was nothing soft about his kiss. It was deep and hard and stole my breath. Rain cascaded over us as his mouth moved deftly, skillfully over my lips. My hands gripped his shirt, clinging to him as if my life depended on it. In his kiss, he released all his pain and desperation, and I realized he was saving me once again. He was saving me with every push and pull, every tender touch. And he was reminding me that I was worthy of pleasure and happiness. That in the midst of pain there can be beauty.
CHAPTER 25
Holden
The rain was drenching us, but I didn’t care. This was the most alive I’d felt in days. With Chloe’s lips pressed to mine, all of the sadness of the week disappeared. Her hands touched my chest, gripping my
shirt, and in her need for me I gathered strength. As our kiss deepened, I lost myself in it. The images that had haunted me all week vanished. I shut down my thoughts and focused in on my feelings. On Chloe’s touch, on her tongue in my mouth and the softness of her lips. When we parted, I stared into her eyes and ran my fingers over her face. My fingertips slid over her soft flesh, memorizing every inch of it. I wanted to stay here forever. However, I knew I needed to get Chloe out of here before she froze. Also, I wasn’t supposed to get my arm wet. I even had to wear a bag in the shower. Right now it was encased in the sling and hidden under my jacket, but with the rain coming down so hard I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep it dry much longer.
Reluctantly, I moved back. “Let’s get outta the rain.”
Chloe nodded, sliding off the bench. When I stood, I snatched up her hand, and together we headed toward the car. Once inside, Chloe rubbed her palms together, her teeth chattering.
“I’m sorry,” I said, feeling bad that she was so cold. “I should’ve gotten you in here sooner.”
She turned to me with a smile. “I’m not sorry.”
God, she was amazing.
Leaning forward, I kissed her softly on the lips. Her eyelids fluttered as I exerted a little more pressure. Before I knew it, her lips were parted and our tongues melded together. Kissing was like breathing with Chloe. It came so easily, happened so seamlessly.
“Don’t run away from me again,” I spoke against her mouth.
“I won’t.” Hot breath fanned my lips.
When we broke apart, Chloe started the car. Heat filled the car as she drove away from the lake. I savored the warmth, a chill working its way up my spine. Chloe flicked on the windshield wipers and they squeaked over the front window as they swept back and forth. Rain beat down relentlessly against the roof of the car like a manic drumbeat.
“How’s your arm?” Chloe kept her hands on the steering wheel, her gaze trained forward.
“You sound like my mom,” I joked.
“I’m just worried about you, you know…” her voice trailed off and I knew what she was thinking.
“Hey, I don’t regret what happened, and I don’t want you to either.”
“I can’t help it. I feel terrible.”
“Don’t. If I had to do it all over again, I’d do the same thing. I’m glad I saved you,” I said honestly.
“I never said thank you,” she practically whispered. “But I am so grateful. What you did…” her voice wavered. “It was incredible. Very heroic.”
“You don’t have to thank me.” I stared out the window. “What I did wasn’t heroic. It was selfish. I did it because I couldn’t imagine losing you.”
Her head swiveled in my direction. “You risked your life for me. No matter what the reason was, in my book it’s heroic.”
I nodded, not wishing to challenge her on it.
“Where do we go from here?” she asked.
I shrugged. “Forward.”
“How do we do that, though?” She quickly swiped at her face. I wasn’t sure if she had started crying or if she still had rain on her cheek. I suspected it was both. “How do we get past what happened?”
“I don’t know. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don’t. I only know that we have to try to move on.”
We neared a stop sign and she gently eased on the brake. When we stopped she turned to me. “I’m glad I came today.”
“I’m glad you did too.”
I wanted to stay home on Monday, but I knew I had to go to school. The longer I stayed out, the harder it would be to go back. Therefore, I needed to attend. I rode with Chloe. I still hadn’t driven anywhere. I was sure that I could, but Mom didn’t like the idea of me driving one-armed. As Chloe drove, her legs bounced nervously. I wanted to console her, but I didn’t know how. Surely she wasn’t dreading this anymore than I was. When we approached the school, Chloe’s eyes widened, and I inhaled sharply. God, it was a madhouse. Dozens of people stood outside of the school holding signs. Some were anti-bullying posters, while others spouted off sayings about gun safety. My stomach clenched.
Chloe’s eyes were steely, her mouth pressed together in a tight line as she hurried past them into the parking lot. “Do they really think they’re helping?”
“I’m sure they think they are.”
“Well, they’re not,” she snapped.
“Hey.” With my good arm, I set a calming hand on her leg. “Easy.”
She blew out a breath. “Sorry. I’m just on edge.”
“We both are.” I squeezed her thigh. “But we’re gonna be okay.”
She nodded, her eyes filled with trust. I loved how much she trusted me. How much she relied on me. So far this experience had bonded us, and I hoped that continued. Only time would tell. And today would be a major test to what we could withstand. So far we’d been alone. Surrounded by friends and classmates would be a different story.
After getting out of the car, I reached for my backpack. Mom had tried to talk me into getting a rolling one, but there was no way. That would be so lame. Still, I could see her point. It was difficult to carry my backpack on only my left shoulder. Chloe offered to take it from me, but I wouldn’t let her. What kind of guy let his girl carry his backpack?
As I walked through the parking lot I remembered all the times I’d been out here with Ryan. My insides coiled, and I forced a deep breath. No doubt memories of Ryan would linger everywhere in this school, but I had to push through it. Chloe tucked her hand in mine. I flashed her a smile as we walked onto the campus. I held tightly to her, appearing braver than I felt. My insides were shaking like jello, but I remained steady on the outside. The closer we got to the front doors, the paler Chloe became.
“You all right?”
“Yeah,” she spoke so softly I could hardly hear her.
When we stepped into the hallway, I caught sight of Sawyer and a few of the other guys standing near their lockers. I bobbed my head in their direction. Chloe stopped, her body going rigid. When I followed her gaze, my stomach dropped. She was staring at Preston’s locker, and all color had drained from her face. Shit.
She swayed on her feet, so I quickly wrapped an arm around her waist. Lowering my head, I whispered in her ear, “It’s okay.”
She swallowed hard, averting her gaze from his locker.
“Chloe!” Jasmine and Gianna scurried toward us.
She appeared overwhelmed, so I moved to stand in front of her, acting as a shield.
“Hey, girl. I’ve been worried,” Jasmine said.
I kept my gaze trained on Chloe to gauge her reaction. She gave me a smile and slight nod as if to let me know she was good.
“I’m fine. Sorry I didn’t return any of your calls,” Chloe responded to her.
That’s my girl. Even in the midst of everything she’s still so sweet, always thinking of others.
“It’s okay. We understood.” Jasmine smiled sympathetically. Then she glanced up at me. “How are you?”
“I’ll live,” I said, and then regretted it. “Sorry. Poor choice of words.”
“Thanks for saving our friend,” Gianna said.
“No need to thank me.” I drew Chloe to my side. “I’d do anything for this girl.”
Jasmine and Gianna audibly sighed.
“Well, we’re just glad you’re okay,” Jasmine said, grabbing Chloe’s arm. “It’s all so crazy.”
“Yeah, it really is,” Chloe agreed.
I marveled at how awkward we all were behaving. But I guess it was to be expected. I wasn’t sure any of us knew what to do at this point. How did you discuss something so horrific? What were the right words?
I wasn’t sure there were any.
CHAPTER 26
Chloe
It was Friday, and I’d been walking around in a daze all week. But I’d survived. We all had.
We’d made it through a week of firsts.
Our first time walking the halls after the shooting.
Our first t
ime in the cafeteria after the shooting.
Our first time in our classes after the shooting.
That’s how it was referred to – as “the shooting.” Calling it that gave us the sense we were removed from it. Like you pictured a sniper on the roof, or a random guy speeding by in a car. Not a kid you went to school with, that you knew by name, that you’d chatted with, that you had in class.
Preston was hardly ever brought up, but when he was it was in a negative way. However, the anti-bullying picketers outside of the school told me that he still had some sympathizers. I waffled between feeling sorry for him and hating him. Mostly, though, I just wished last week had never happened. That I could magically go back in time and fix everything. Stop it from ever taking place. But thinking like that wasn’t getting me anywhere. I had to learn to accept it.
Rounding the corner, I was grateful to step outside. Taking a deep breath, I inhaled the crisp scent of fall air. A few trees swayed in the breeze, their burnt orange leaves scattering in the wind. I liked the idea that the old was being shed to make room for the new.
“Hey,” a girl’s voice cut into my thoughts.
I looked up. “Oh.” Even though I tried to hide my disappointment I was sure it showed. “Hey, Bethany.” It wasn’t that I disliked her. I didn’t even know her. But I didn’t trust her. We’d only had one conversation, and it hadn’t been the most pleasant one. After the week I’d had I wasn’t in the mood for another one like that.
“I just wanted to say that it was really brave what you did trying to talk to Preston like that,” she said.
A lot of kids had made similar statements over the past week, although I think most of them thought I was crazy. No one else was willing to risk their lives to help Preston. In fact, every other student at this school hid until it was all over. Even when I gave my statement to the police I could tell that they thought I made the wrong choice. We’d been taught to hide, to keep ourselves safe. What I’d done was reminiscent of a bad horror movie where the girl goes toward the danger instead of away from it. The thing is that I didn’t see it that way. Preston had been my friend. When I initially started talking to him I never thought my life was in danger. I never thought he’d intentionally hurt me.
