The Vine

by C. A Ellis

  “It’s not in my nature to give false hope, and to be brutally honest, I think you should prepare yourselves for the worst. Mr. Castle is a very sick man with some extremely severe injuries, and in my experience, if he makes it through the next forty-eight hours it’ll be a miracle, but then again in saying that, working here, I have seen a lot of miracles. Unfortunately, this is the worst part for all of you, as you have the waiting and praying. I’m sorry.” And with that bombshell, he is gone. Their mum asks the nurse if we can see him, and the nurse smiles at her sympathetically, saying, “You can, but only two at a time, and just for a few minutes.”

  “Lizzy, do you mind if Henry and I go in first? Would that be okay?” Mrs. Castle asks.

  Lizzy still hasn’t moved and doesn’t answer, so their mum looks to me.

  “I need to see my son now, Katy,” she says, and I see Henry—which I now know is their dad’s name—put his arm around her.

  “You go on in,” I volunteer, “maybe then Smyth and Cole can pop in, which will give Lizzy a few minutes to get her head together. Then she can see Lucas on her own, or if she needs someone, I will go in with her.” Henry nods as he leads his wife out, and I take Smyth’s place next to Lizzy as he stands and puts his arm around Cole’s shoulder; they leave the room too.

  Once they have all gone, I speak to Lizzy, asking her if she wants me to come in with her when she goes in to see Lucas, or if she would rather go in alone, but I’m not even sure if she’s listening; she looks desolate.

  Chapter Thirteen – Lizzy

  I can hear Katy is saying something to me, but I’m not sure what it is. It’s like I’ve zoned out completely, and I quite like the feeling at the moment because it feels like nothing can hurt me. I can vaguely hear Katy calling my name over and over. Why won’t she leave me alone?

  I like my bubble, and I certainly don’t want to face the reality of this awful situation. She’s lightly shaking me too. Oh, God, and now she’s screaming and wailing—ear-piercing screams, gut-wrenching wails and primal noises like nothing I have ever heard before. Why is she doing that? What on earth is wrong with her? And in that moment, reality hits, and it dawns on me that it is not Katy making all those noises—it’s me.

  I finally stand up and am sobbing uncontrollably. Katy grabs onto me and holds me tightly to her, doing everything in her power to comfort me. I know I can count on Katy, but the embrace, the shushing sounds and comforting words are doing nothing to ease the horrendous pain consuming me. I eventually calm down slightly, enough to talk anyway. Katy’s threatening she’ll call the nurse to give me an injection if I don’t calm down. She’s saying something about being frightened that my body won’t be able to withstand the stress I’m putting it under.

  I don’t want an injection, and not because I’m frightened of having one, but I can no way be put to sleep and have to wake up and face this nightmare again. I don’t think I’ll sleep ever again.

  “I want to go home,” I say to Katy with no emotion in my voice at all.

  “What?” Katy asks incredulously. “Don’t you want to go in and see Lucas?”

  “I can’t,” I whisper, bordering on the edge of losing it again.

  “Lizzy, you have to see him. You heard what Mr. Matlock said, didn’t you?”

  Yes, of course I heard him, I think to myself. Well, some of it anyway. I look Katy in the eye. “What? That Luke is going to die?” I ask bluntly.

  “Yes, there is a possibility he could die, but we are talking about Lucas here. He is the strongest person I know. If anyone can pull through something like this, it’s him. But he needs you, Lizzy. He needs to hear your voice; he loves you so much, and I genuinely think that you and the intense love you two share could pull him through this,” she reasons.

  “I want to go home,” I repeat louder this time, and more insistent, ignoring Katy’s ramblings about things she can’t possibly know. How dare she try to fill me with hope when I know there is none?

  “Lizzy, please,” Katy is now pleading.

  “I. Want. To. Go. HOME!” I repeat, screaming the last word at her.

  “Lizzy, you’re out of your mind! You can’t be thinking straight; you need to go and see Lucas!” she cries.

  “NO, KATY, WHAT I NEED IS TO GO HOME!” I screech hysterically.

  “Lizzy, if you go home now, you could regret this for the rest of your life! So please, I’m begging you, just go and see Lucas. Once he’s there in front of you, you’ll know it’s the right thing to do.” The desperate look in Katy’s eyes almost makes me waver… almost…but I’m shaking my head at her because I’m thinking, No, it’s not the right thing to do, because I am going to lose him, and it’s a fact I can’t and don’t want to face. By seeing him, it will just make this nightmare all the more real.

  “No,” I say sharply as I barge past Katy and out the door. I start to run as soon as I’m out, with Katy following frantically behind.

  “Lizzy,” Katy says, grabbing my arm, swinging me around and pulling me to a halt. I search her eyes and her face like a wild animal for whatever she’s got to say now.

  “Okay, Lizzy, I’ll take you home, but not like this. You need to calm yourself down a bit; I’m so worried about you.”

  I nod to her, insinuating that I am going to calm down, so she takes my elbow and guides me out of the hospital.

  We are in the car and driving home in silence when Katy takes a wrong turn. “Where are you going?” I ask.

  “Home to our flat,” she replies, looking at me like I’m mad.

  “I don’t want to go there,” I say, panicking. “I want to go to Luke’s house—our house.”

  “Oh, okay, sorry. I didn’t realise,” she soothes, “I’ll stay with you there.”

  “No, Katy, I don’t think you understand. I want you to drop me off there…alone. I want to stay there alone,” I say more calmly.

  “Are you crazy?” she asks me, her eyes widening in shock. “I’m not going to let you go there alone and leave you in this state.”

  “Yes, you are,” I inform her calmly, “Because it’s what I want.”

  “I’m not sure about this,” Katy says doubtfully, “I can’t leave you. What kind of friend would I be?”

  “You would be the best kind of friend, as you’ve always been. I just really need to be alone right now, Katy. Really, I do,” I say convincingly.

  “Are you sure?” Katy asks me. “Because you’re really starting to freak me out, Lizzy. You keep turning from a screaming, out-of-control maniac one-minute, to this…shell of a person. You wouldn’t go in and see Lucas, which I totally think you should have, by the way, and now you’re talking crazy, wanting to stay in his house tonight alone, and to be quite honest, I’m afraid for you. I’m afraid of what you might do. You don’t deal with trauma easily; I know, remember? And if anything happened to you—”

  I cut Katy off, saying, “I’ll be fine. I just freaked out for a minute back there. Anyone would in my position, but I’ve calmed right down now,” I lie. “I just need a night to take this all in and get my head together, and then in the morning, I’ll go and see Luke. If I’m going to get through this, I just need to deal with it in my own way, and one day at a time, okay?”

  “All right, fine,” Katy reluctantly agrees, “but I’m not in the least bit happy about it. So the deal is, I’ll come and pick you up at 9am and take you to the hospital.”

  “That’d be great,” I say. I hate lying to Katy, but I need her to leave me alone. I need to be on my own. We pull up at Luke’s, and I lean over and kiss Katy on the cheek. “Thanks for everything,” I say, and I don’t know how I manage it, but I even give her a very small reassuring smile.

  As I get out, I hear her say, “I’ll see you in the morning—9am sharp.” I shut the car door and walk over and open our—mine and Luke’s—front door. I enter and turn like a robot to give Katy a quick wave, I shut the door and lean back on it with my eyes closed tight shut, my face screwed up in emotional pain before I ve
ry slowly start to open my eyes again.

  Initially, I don’t cry; I’m just looking around seeing everything looking so normal in the house, when my whole world has just fallen apart. I walk down the hall and into the kitchen, where the smell of the lasagne I had cooked for Luke earlier still lingers—the same kitchen where Luke and I had been this morning, talking and laughing, and where I’d caught Luke on the phone on what I thought at the time was a suspicious phone call. How trivial that all seems now.

  I walk zombie-like into the lounge and look at Luke’s favourite chair. I think of his beautiful face when he’d walked through the front door last night to see me in my shoes, and the amazing evening that had followed. I frown when I think that we’ll never have a night like that again, and an even more painful thought of never seeing his beautiful face smiling at me like that again.

  I walk numbly up the stairs and into our room, and I think about Luke coming back from New York. I open my wardrobe to get my nightwear out and I see the box. I pick it up, open it and look at the gorgeous shoes, thinking of all the memories associated with them already in such a short time. I put them away, change for bed and then go into the bathroom to brush my teeth, and as I enter, I can’t help thinking of our sexual antics in the shower, and it even brings a smile to my lips briefly.

  As I am approaching our bed, I think of the first time Luke and I made love and how nervous I was, but also how caring, considerate and tender he was with me. I pull back the sheets and slip in between them. I take Luke’s pillow and cuddle it tight to me; I can smell him on it so clearly—that wonderful, intoxicating, Luke smell—and if I close my eyes I can almost imagine him here with me. My eyes flicker open and reality hits me again, and so the nightmare returns. That’s when the floodgates open and I sob uncontrollably for what I have lost…again.

  I don’t know how long I’ve cried for; I think I may have cried myself into some sort of sleep, but when I wake up and it hits me all over again, I vow not to let sleep take me again tonight. So instead, I lie there and think of all sorts of wonderful memories Luke and I have shared, and how tomorrow we should have been going on that wonderful trip to Verona.

  Then comes all the gruesome thoughts, the main one being that Luke is going to die—if he hasn’t already. No, I’m sure someone would have called me by now if it had happened. I start to think how I really wouldn’t be able go on living after losing my parents if I now lost Luke. What would be the point? Everyone I love dies, so what sort of omen am I to people? I’d be better off dead, and so would everyone around me. Could I do that to myself though? I probably could, because I certainly wasn’t afraid of dying now; after all, I have nothing to live for. But no, I know I wouldn’t do it, because even in death, Luke and Mum and Dad would be so disappointed in me if I took my own life, and I really don’t want to disappoint them.

  I was so messed up; I needed to do something, but what?

  Moments later, it hits me. Elizabeth Maynard had died a long time ago with Mum and Dad, and Lizzy had been born. Is it possible Lizzy Maynard could die, but I could live on? Even if I was just existing, it would be better than the guilt of taking my own life.

  So here I lay, planning on how I can make what I have in my mind work, and so far, this is what I’ve come up with. I would write a letter to each Katy and George, just saying that I’m okay, but that I needed to get away. I’ll go and see Luke, and explain to him what I’m going to do and the reason why. I know he’ll understand, as he wouldn’t be able to live without me either, and then I’ll disappear. Somehow, I’ll figure the rest out from there. It didn’t even enter my head that what I am planning is crazy, because I am crazy. I have been driven insane by love and death. So for me, all my plans weren’t crazy; they were stages I had to go through to survive. I jump up and have a quick shower. I grab my holdall that I had packed for Verona when I had gotten home from work. It didn’t matter what I had packed, as it was just to tide me over until I could get some new stuff. No part of Lizzy Maynard would be left in my life soon enough. I call for a taxi, and while I am waiting, I grab a few other things that I will need for my goodbyes. I take the beautiful shoes out for Katy, and I sit there and write her a note. I think I’ll leave the shoes with the note at the hospital, as I know once she gets here and finds me gone, she’ll go there looking for me.

  I also take my Tiffany necklace and bracelet that my mum and dad had bought me, and although it pains me not to be taking them with me, I am also leaving them with Katy, but they aren’t for her. In her note, it tells her that they are to be placed in Luke’s coffin with him, so even though I’m not there with him, he’d feel like I am.

  I write a quick note for George, telling him that I’m fine and to not worry unnecessarily, and then I write the hardest letter of all—Luke’s. I take all I need downstairs, and when I hear a tap at the door, I’m relieved the taxi’s here. Now that I’ve decided what I am doing, I need to get on with it before I change my mind. I open the door and the taxi driver takes my holdall from me, and while he takes it to place in the boot, I walk over to the kitchen counter and take the last bits I need—my plane ticket to Verona and my passport.

  I grab both tickets, as I don’t want anyone catching on to what my plans are, and with that, I walk out, shut the door and get into the taxi. I tell the driver which airport I need to go to, but I also tell him I first need to go to London Royal Free Hospital, and he’s to wait for me no matter how long I am gone, and that he’s not to worry, as I’d cover the cost and I’d also throw in an extra hundred pounds for him to never mention this journey ever took place, needless to say he was more than willing.

  So in the early hours of the morning, I set off for the hospital so I can somehow say my farewells to Luke before he passes, and then I will fly to Verona to start a quiet, non-existent life as Ella. I’d love to use Castle as my surname, but it’s too painful, so I settle for Castel. As I reach the hospital, I have butterflies, so I know Ella isn’t completely in control yet; plus, I will always be Lizzy in Luke’s presence.

  I go up to the unit I know Luke is on and approach one of the nurses, explaining I really hadn’t been in a fit state earlier to see Luke, but I’d really like to see him now, and I promise I will only stay a couple of minutes. The nurse is not happy when she says, “He’s gravely ill, Miss Maynard, and I really shouldn’t let you in there.”

  “I do understand, but I really need to see him…please,” I say, putting on my best puppy dog eyes. In fact, Katy would have been proud.

  “I really shouldn’t, but okay. Just a couple of minutes,” she replies.

  “Thank you so much,” I say as I turn toward Luke’s room.

  Just as I get to his door, I take a deep breath before I pull the handle. As I enter, I immediately turn into his Lizzy—the girl he’s crazy about, the girl he loves more than life itself—and to me, seeing him lying there swollen and battered, he’s still my beautiful man.

  I really need to do this before I change my mind, as there’s no way I can go through someone I love dying again, and if I’m here when he eventually does go, I’m as sure as the grass is green I wouldn’t survive this time. So as crazy as my plan seems, it’s something that I have to do.

  I sit on Luke’s bed and look at him, and then I take his limp, lifeless hand in mine before I start to tell him what I have come here to say—to talk to him one last time, from my heart to his, before he goes to heaven to meet with my mum and dad. I have always wished they could’ve met, but not like this. Who would’ve imagined yesterday I’d be having to hold my beautiful man’s hand with his face full of tubes and in a room full of machines, when in a few hours, we should have been holding hands in an aeroplane, on our way for a romantic adventure in Italy.

  I sigh, lift Luke’s hand to my mouth and brush my lips across his knuckles in a gentle, loving, tender kiss. “Hey, my beautiful man,” I say with the tiniest smile playing on my lips, thinking of yesterday morning when Luke found out that’s what I call him and he teased me
. “Looks like you had a rough day yesterday,” I continue, but a small sob breaks through. I catch my breath, pulling myself together. It’s bad enough I am going to leave him after this, so I at least owe Luke the honour of getting through this without breaking down.

  “I love you so much, my darling man, and the good thing for me is that you know just how much I love you. I know just how much you love me too, and that is why this goddamn situation is so awful. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and the last six months have truly been the best of my life, with happy times I never thought I’d have again.” I take a deep breath when I feel the knot in my throat trying to cut off my words, but I need to finish what I have to say.

  “You will always be ‘The One’ for me, and I can faithfully promise you that there will never be anyone else for me…ever. I know people will say I shouldn’t promise things like that, because even in death, you would still want me to be happy. But I honestly think they’d be wrong; I don’t think that would be the case with you, as I know you would be jealous as hell.” I smile at him, and then carry on, losing it slightly, “I don’t want anyone else! I can’t breathe without you!” I shout this last part in anger at this cruel situation.

  After a couple of minutes trying to regain my composure, I tell him, “You taught me so much—to love again, to trust again—and I also think I taught you a lot too, especially about yourself, although I’m sure you would never admit it. Our lives changed forever yesterday. You have been cruelly taken from me, and it’s just not fair. We still have so much to give one another. This is so hard for me, baby, but I know you are the one person who shouldn’t, but will totally understand why I can’t stay here to watch you die. It might seem selfish to other people, but I can’t go through this loss again. I just can’t, and especially not you.

  “I know this time I wouldn’t survive it. When you take your last breath, and when your heart beats for the last time, how could I watch and not wish I was going with you? In my head, of course, that was my first option, my only option—that I take my own life so we can still be together—but the only thing stopping me is the thought of you, my mum and my dad being disappointed in me. I couldn’t bear for you to look at me with anything but love in those big blue eyes. I need you with me, Luke.” I’m openly crying now. Tears are falling down my cheeks and landing on his hand that I still hold, resting in my lap.