by Nicole Dykes
“Are you okay with it being at the lake?”
No.
I take a deep breath. “I don’t understand it, but Penelope and Linc are different. They kind of thrive on pain, so it makes sense in a twisted sort of way.” I laugh at the expression on his face, knowing he thinks it’s as fucked as I do. “You’ll understand the more you’re around them. They spent so much time punishing each other.”
I look down at my phone, seeing a text from my mom telling me she’s here. She wanted to see the hotel, and Hayden suggested she be the first lunch guest. I think it’s sweet he seems to like her so much.
“Mom is here.”
We greet her and after the tour, sit down at one of the tables. Hayden squeezes my shoulders with a smile on his face that melts my heart. He didn’t smile much at first, but we both smile a hell of a lot more now. “I’m going to go check on the food.”
I nod as he kisses my temple and then walks back to the kitchen. My mom is beaming from across the table. “I am so happy you found love, Lola. I was so afraid you wouldn’t.”
“Gee thanks, Mom.” I grin over at her, giving her a hard time because I already knew that.
“Oh.” She plays with her necklace, a nervous smile on her face. “I didn’t mean for it to sound like that. You’ve just always had so much on your shoulders. I’m so glad you let someone love you, and I know he does.”
I think about the day in the pool when he told me he loved me so effortlessly. “He does. And I love him back.”
“I am so happy to watch you two together. And Penelope said she invited him to the wedding.”
I tense, thinking about the wedding. I’m so happy they’re getting married, but the location is going to be tough. I made it through my mother and Tony’s wedding though, and I'm sure I can do this.
“She did. He’s going. I think it will be good for their relationship too.”
My mom smiles, and it is beautiful. “Do you think Asher will go?”
My brow furrows. “Of course.”
She sighs heavily. I know how much she worries about him even if Asher thinks she doesn’t. “I hope we’ll be okay through all of this, Lola. I’m not sure he thinks he has anyone to lean on.”
“He has to know by now he does, mom.”
I’m worried about him too. “I know you all think Colt was my favorite.”
That catches me off guard, and my stomach lurches as I gape over at her. “We don’t think that.”
“You don’t have to lie to me.”
Okay. So the thought has passed through my mind a time or two, and I know Asher felt that way. “He died. Of course, you were heartbroken.”
“I would have been if it would have been any one of you. You all were my whole life.” I hate the tears welling in her eyes and the anguish all over her face. “I failed all of you so badly.”
“What?” I stare at her in horror. She didn’t fail us. I reach for her hand. “What are you talking about? You’ve always been the best mom anyone could ask for.”
“I never worried about him.” I stare at her, confused and not sure if I'm ready for this talk. “I worried about Lincoln all the time. He was wild and rebellious. I worried about Asher when it was clear he wasn’t sure who he was and started to party too much.” I love my mother, but to be honest, I didn’t know she was aware of that. I thought she thought our lives were perfect. “And I worried about you, Lola.”
I stare at her, noticing the worry lines around her eyes. They’re the only thing that gives away her age. She’s a natural beauty. “What? Why?”
“You reminded me too much of me. Always wanting everyone to be happy. Wanting things to be perfect.”
“Let’s not pretend I’m the matriarch of this family.”
Her head tilts to the side, and that same shoulder kicks up in a shrug. “You are in a lot of ways, especially when I wasn’t there.”
“You’ll always be the mama of the family. And you were then too. I’m sure you worried about him.” I close my eyes, hating that I still can’t say his name out loud. That I still flinch when anyone else uses his name. It makes it all too real for me.
Matriarch hell. I’ve been crippled by his death.
“I didn’t. I really didn’t. I thought he had it all figured out. I thought, stupidly . . .” A sob escapes her throat, and tears fall down her cheek, but she quickly wipes them away. “I thought he was the one I didn’t need to worry about. He seemed so put together.”
The lump in my throat is massive, and I can’t swallow it away. “He carried it all well.”
“I should have known it was all too much for him, but I didn’t. I failed him, and then I failed all of you. I let you lose him.”
“Mom, you couldn’t have stopped it.” I think about my conversation with Hayden and only now realize how like my mother I am. “You just couldn’t have. He didn’t tell anyone what was going on because he wanted to be the strong one who had it all together. None of us knew. And we have to stop blaming ourselves.”
Hayden walks out of the kitchen, and I lock eyes with him, a smile taking over my face as tears sit at the surface of my eyes.
“We have to try to really move on with our lives or we are failing him. Because he wouldn’t want us to be miserable.”
She smiles and nods. “No. He definitely wouldn’t want that.”
Hayden joins us hesitantly, not sitting down. “Everything okay?”
I nod and take his hand, encouraging him to sit. “We’re just discussing the wedding.”
He nods and hands my mother a napkin, who dabs at her wet tears before looking at Hayden. “I’m really happy you’ll be attending.”
He smiles, knowing he’s likely missed quite the conversation but only offers a warm smile in her direction. “Me too.”
I’m not ready to go back there. I don’t think I ever will be, but maybe Linc and Penelope are right.
Maybe this is just part of the healing.
“So, you think you’re ready to be married, huh?”
Penelope lifts her dark eyebrow at me as she lifts a champagne flute to her lips. “Really? You’re gonna do the big brother talk three months into being my brother?”
I laugh, enjoying the casual banter we’ve started since our meetup at the coffee place. “Actually, it’s been almost four months of being a big brother, and you are getting married in two days.”
Her smile widens as her eyes move over to her fiancé. “I am.”
“You ready?”
She nods, looking completely sure. “Yes. I am.” She grins, taking a drink. “I’ve been ready for this for a long time.”
I look around the crowded ballroom of hotel number one. The grand opening is tonight, and I’ve hired a party planner to make it a party to celebrate the opening of the hotel and the marriage of my sister.
Everyone is dressed up, but I wouldn’t say it’s too formal. My eyes can’t stay off Lola. Her long, blond hair is down and wavy. She’s wearing a sleeveless, flowy, white floral dress that sweeps the floor but has a long slit up the side, showing off her long tan legs. Her beauty is effortless.
“And are you ready to get married?” Penelope’s eyes follow mine.
I straighten my tie and stand tall as I watch Lola talking to Vivienne and little Baz. “Soon.”
She smiles, taking another drink. Marriage had never crossed my mind before Lola, but now I think about it all the time.
“Who the fuck flies to Kansas from California in the winter?”
She laughs almost maniacally. “It’s not winter, you pussy.”
“It’s fucking close, and they’re calling for snow. On your wedding day.”
She looks happy. I haven’t known her very long, which is a really odd thing to say about my sister, but I can tell she wasn’t always like this. There’s pain hidden deep inside her, but she’s beaming tonight, ready to take that next step and me giving her shit isn’t going to ruin her good mood. “I’d marry him in the middle of a fucking tornado, or hurri
cane, or whatever the fuck. It’ll be fine.”
I wrap an arm around her shoulder and pull her in for a cautious hug because we’ve only hugged a handful of times. “Yeah. It will.”
She’s quiet for a moment but then asks, “Do you think she was ever happy?”
“Our mom?” I don’t really need to ask. I know who she’s talking about.
“Yes.”
Why the hell are we talking about her? We’ve hung out several times since that first day and this is the first time we’ve talked about her since then. “I don’t know, but she wasn’t when I knew her. She was busy causing chaos and bringing as much pain as she could to others.”
“Yeah.” I pull back enough to see tears in her eyes as she looks up at me. “Why do you think she hated us so much?”
Okay, so maybe something can ruin her good mood. What the hell? I turn to face her straight on, holding her shoulders. “Don’t let her do this. You turned out to be this amazing, strong woman despite coming from that evil witch. She does not get to ruin your wedding for you.”
“I hear her.” It’s a whisper that makes my blood run cold.
“You what?”
“I hear her calling me her tragedy. I swear the happier I get the louder it is.”
“I thought we talked about that?” I tease, wanting so badly to lighten the mood, but that’s never really been my thing. Not until I met Lola. My eyes find hers across the room. I see her concern, but she doesn’t move to join us.
Penelope’s eyes fall to the floor. “I think it’ll always be in me, Hayden. Her calling me her tragedy, saying I'll hurt anyone who dares to love me.”
I swallow the bile creeping up my throat, thinking about her saying those same words to me. A six-year-old? Who the fuck hates a six-year-old? “Fuck her.” Her eyes lift to mine again. “Fuck. Her. Penelope.” I use my hand to gently turn her head toward Lincoln, who is definitely watching us and looking like he’s ready to punch me because of the defeated look on Penelope's face. “He loves you. He needs you. So do all the Sterlings. You haven’t brought tragedy down on them, you helped them heal.”
“Colt died because of me.”
She waves Lincoln off, calming him as she turns back to me. “What are you talking about?”
“He got drunk and pissed the night he died because I broke up with him. Because I was in love with Linc. I cheated on him with Lincoln.” She looks guilty, and I hate it for her. Guilt can do horrible things to a person.
“So, you always loved Linc?”
She nods. “I loved Colt too. Just differently. And now, I'm getting married where he died, which was my fault. But this was my idea, and now I'm freaking out.”
Women.
“So you forced him on that boat?”
“In a way. Yes.”
“Nah, fuck that.” I take her hand and walk her outside, where it’s warm, despite it being a fall evening. “Look, Penelope. I don’t know the whole story, and I don’t know if I’d ever have the balls to say this to any of his siblings, but you’re my sibling.”
She looks at me with quiet curiosity. All I want to do is help her through this.
“He made that choice. He got on that boat. He drank. That’s not on any of you. Everyone makes him seem like a fucking saint.”
“He was,” she interjects.
“He was a man—barely.” I look in her eyes, not wanting to hurt her, but I think they all could use an outside perspective. “He was under pressure. He fucked up. He slept with someone else.” That is a fact, considering Baz is here. “He felt like shit, and he did a very human thing. And it is so fucking sad that he died, but that isn’t on any of you. You can’t keep living with this guilt.”
“Colt never made mistakes. I pushed him to—”
“Sleep with someone else. How?”
She folds her arms, pissed at me for spouting the truth, and I get it. “He wanted to be perfect, and he snapped.”
“And that’s your fault?”
“No.”
“I’m being a dick about going back to Kansas, but it’s smart. You’re right. He should be part of your wedding. You guys need that closure. All of you. Because it sounds like you all loved him, and he loved you. And it’s shitty that he can’t actually be here.” I pull her in for a hug, wrapping my arms around her, being here for her in a way I couldn’t when we were growing up, but that I imagine I would have been. “And we are going to party. And celebrate. Because you are loved, Penelope. And you deserve to be.”
I’m surprised to feel tears on my chest, but I just hold onto her as she sobs into my shirt, her words muffled. “Why did she have to take you away from me?”
“Technically, that was the state of Kansas.”
Her cry turns to quiet laughter as she looks up at me, her mascara slightly smudged, “Lola’s right. You’re kind of funny.”
“Thanks.”
“I’m glad you’re here. I have no idea how any of this was possible, but I'm really glad you’re in my life now.”
“Me too. And I’m not going anywhere.”
She smiles and squeezes me before shoving me away. “I was happy tonight, you dick.”
“You’re the one who brought up Slate.” I smile back at her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and walking her back inside the hotel.
“Hayden?”
We barely make it through the doors before she stops. “Will you give me away? You know, since I'm a bastard child and all?”
I roll my eyes, pulling her tighter to me and laughing as I shake my head at this girl I didn’t know even a year ago, but I’ve finally gotten to know over the past few months. She’s moody and smart. Funny and caring. She’s everything my mother wasn’t, and I'm lucky to know her.
I’m walking her down that aisle, but I'm never giving her away.
Snow.
It’s snowing on Lincoln and Penelope’s wedding day.
I stare out the large picture window of the lake house, watching the fat, fluffy snowflakes fall on to the lake. My gorgeous dress is dark red with lacey sleeves and a skirt gracing the ground. My hair is down and curled.
I turn to look at Penelope and Hayden as she straightens his black bow tie and he gives her a hug. She is absolutely stunning. Her long brown hair is also curled and hanging down to the middle of her back. Her gown is a beautiful white with lacey sleeves as well. She looks like an angel and is beaming with a bright smile.
I didn’t ask Hayden what they were talking about at the party. It wasn’t any of my business. All I asked him was if she was okay.
And he told me she was.
He’s the model big brother after less than six months, and I'm convinced there’s nothing this man can’t do.
She turns to me, her lips painted a dark red, matching my dress. “Where is he?”
Dread sits low in my stomach. Asher. She’s talking about Asher. We all flew in last night. Asher was supposed to meet us here after driving in from Kansas City, but he hasn’t been here all day.
The sun is starting to set, and the wedding is supposed to start, but he hasn’t shown yet.
I walk over to her, fluffing her hair out, making it picture perfect. “He’ll be here.”
She doesn’t believe me. I don’t even believe myself. I know he could very well not show up.
But then, like clockwork, we all turn when we hear the front door open and then close. Asher trudges in, wiping the snow from his suit jacket. “Did I miss it?”
Great. I can smell the whiskey from here.
I walk over him, pissed but trying to keep my cool. “Did you drive here like this?” The smell of alcohol is strong, and his eyes are red-rimmed. I grab his arm, but he jerks it away from me.
“Of course not. Uber. Heard of it?”
“From Kansas City?” That’s like a four-hour drive.
He shrugs. “He didn’t have a lot going on today and was happy to make five hundred bucks.”
“Five hundred? Are you insane? Why didn’t you just call me?”<
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He scoffs, rolling his eyes that then drift over to Penelope and down her gown. “Princess P. I’m here.”
She’s pissed too. I can see it, and Hayden wraps a protective arm around her as her lips purse. Hayden’s voice is deep and controlled. “Why don’t you go splash some water on your face?”
Asher, of course, waves him off as he straightens his bow tie with shaky hands. “I’m good. Let’s do this thing.”
I pull him into a hug and lean into his ear so he’s the only one to hear me. “If you ruin their wedding day, so help me God . . .”
He squeezes my shoulders as he hugs me, his mouth moving to my ear, his voice cold and void of emotion. “I’m not going to fuck anything up. Relax.”
We release each other and start toward the door where Penelope hands me my bouquet of dark red roses with small white orchids. It’s as stunning as the dresses. I hug her to me, tears filling my eyes. Happy ones. My hands are still on her shoulders as I look at her. “You’ve been my sister since you were eight, but I am so happy it’s about to be government official.”
She smiles, fighting her own tears. “Thank you. For everything.”
I give her another squeeze and then take Asher’s arm as he holds it out to escort me down the aisle. I open the door and we’re greeted by Baz in his little black tuxedo, his hair in an adorable little combover. “About time!”
I laugh. “Sorry, buddy. You could have hung out with us inside.”
He shakes his head and points at Viv, who’s sitting with my mom and Tony in the few chairs in the backyard. He wanted to hang out with her until the wedding started despite being in the wedding party. This wedding is anything but traditional. It’s perfect for them.
“Go ahead, little guy. Your time to shine.” I smile down at my nephew as he carries the ring to Lincoln, who’s standing with the minister.
Lincoln smiles down at him, gives him a hug, and takes the rings from him before Baz joins Viv in the small audience.
“You ready?” I ask Ash.
“Yup. Let’s get this over with.”
I hate his attitude, but I don’t have time to ask him about it right now. We start down the aisle toward Linc, and I smile, seeing how happy my mom is as she leans her head on Tony’s shoulder. Asher’s eyes, however, are only on Viv. We walk by them and then up to the alter.
