by Nicole Dykes
“That wasn’t on you.”
“It was.” I point to my chest. “Will you please just blame me. I don’t need your sympathy. At least he’s pissed. Everyone else lets me off the hook, but I let them down.”
“You were their sister. You’re human, and you need to let yourself off the hook.”
I turn away from him, angry for no reason, and he quickly catches up to me. “You think you’re weak, Lola Sterling? You’re everything, but that. You aren’t a meek little mouse.”
“If you call me a lion, I will punch you. And a hell of a lot harder than you hit Asher.”
He laughs and cups my face in his hands. “You aren’t a fucking lion or a mouse. You’re a strong, caring, incredible woman who I can’t stop thinking about, who I’m obsessed with and not ashamed of it for a second because look at you,” he looks into my eyes, and I know he truly sees me, “you are everything.”
He looks at me like I truly am everything to him. “I really do love you. I never thought I’d be here.”
His lips brush against mine. “I didn’t either, but I’m happy I am.”
Me too. I don’t even want to think about a time without him.
The next morning, I’m up early, and I'm surprised to find Asher when I sneak downstairs to get a cup of coffee. He doesn’t turn to look at me when I walk into the kitchen. He just stands by the large window, staring at the white snow, and my heart breaks for him.
God, I just want to help him.
But I know Hayden is right. I can’t help him right now, but I’ll always be his sister. “Good morning.”
He turns to look at me, and I try not to focus on his swollen lip and bruised cheek. “Morning.”
He looks hungover and beaten all to hell, not just by Hayden’s fist but life itself. And I can’t help him.
I can’t help him.
I stare at him like an idiot, fighting every instinct to ask if he’s okay and offer advice. Instead, I look out the window. “Wow, it snowed a lot.”
He looks at me, confused. “Yeah. It did.”
Don’t ask him if he’s in pain. If his stupid face hurts.
“Hopefully, our flight won’t be canceled. I’m tired of the snow.”
He nods, looking back out the window. “Yeah. I’m getting pretty tired of it myself.”
Do not ask him to come to California with the family that loves him and misses him so much.
I pour myself a cup of coffee. “Are you the first one up? Or is Mom somewhere?”
“I haven’t seen anyone this morning.” He turns back to me with suspicion, probably wondering when I'm going to start being more myself. “Where’s Hayden?” He looks guilty. “You guys didn’t get into a fight, did you?”
I join him at the table, with my cup of coffee, “No. We talked.”
He nods, looking relieved. “Good.”
I’m chewing on my bottom lip, still struggling not to talk to him about last night. “Yeah.”
“I like him.”
My eyes meet his, and I can tell he’s sincere. “Me too.” I smile. “A lot.”
“I’m sorry about last night . . .” He grabs the back of his neck, and I want to hug him but resist. He stands up as if he can tell what I want to do and can’t handle it. “I’m glad it didn’t cause any trouble with you guys. He’s a good guy.”
So. Are. You.
There are so many things I want to say, and I can tell he’s examining me, waiting for it. But I trust Hayden.
“Will you let us give you a ride back to Kansas City?”
He grins. “Guess that beats a five hundred-dollar Uber.”
I laugh and take a sip of my coffee, but I’m surprised when I see Penelope standing right outside of the kitchen. “Penelope? What are you doing here?”
Linc and she were supposed to be driving to Kansas City last night and catching a flight this morning for their honeymoon. She walks into the kitchen, sitting at the table with me. “We had to turn around about thirty minutes into the drive. The snow was too heavy, and it just wasn’t worth it.”
“Oh no. Can you change your flight?”
“That was the plan, but it was canceled anyway. So, hopefully tomorrow.”
“You just had to get married here.” Asher is actually kidding her, and Penelope laughs easily.
Some would take offense, and most of the time Asher would be trying to get that reaction. But he seems remorseful about last night.
“I know. I’m not sure what I was thinking.”
“It was beautiful though,” I add, and Asher nods in agreement as he starts to make his exit.
I can’t resist the urge to jump up and wrap my arms around his neck. He’s my little brother, and I trust Hayden, but I can’t live with myself if I don’t say something. He hugs me back with a little reluctance, but he’s smiling when I pull back to look into his eyes. “If you need me, you know you can always come to me. Always, Asher.”
His eyes look tired and watery, and he doesn’t have a smartass remark. “I know.”
“Any. Time. I’ll always be there for anything you need.”
He nods, the right side of his mouth turning up into a smile before he leaves the kitchen, and I join Penelope at the table.
“I’m sorry about your honeymoon.”
She grins, the diamond on her finger glistening in the white sunlight coming through the window. “I’m not. It was great.”
I roll my eyes, but I'm smiling. “Gross.”
She keeps grinning. “You and Hayden make up? Linc told me what happened.”
“Really don’t want to be part of your foreplay.”
She laughs. “Stop it.”
“We did. We didn’t even really fight. I probably should have been a lot madder at him for punching my brother in the face. Twice.”
She laughs again. “He cares. I have no idea why because we are insane, but Hayden really cares. I think he just wants you to be okay, and he knows Asher has to be okay for that to happen.”
“You think he’ll come to me if he needs me? Because that’s what Hayden thinks.”
She nods her head, grabbing one of the pastries in the middle of the table. My mom must have left them there for us for the morning. “Yeah, I really do. He’s stubborn, and he’s in pain, but he knows he has family he can go to. It just takes some people longer to reach out.”
Baz runs into the kitchen with Vivienne on his heels and jumps into Penelope’s lap, his little giggle making my heart soar.
“I love that he sounds like Colt.”
Viv and Penelope’s eyes go to me, clearly shocked I said his name out loud. I’m still amazed I did last night.
I smile and look over at Baz, smoothing my hand over his cheek. “And looks like him.”
Vivienne sits down at the table, exchanging a glance with Penelope before looking back at me. “Me too.”
Penelope grins at me happily. “Looks like this wedding was extremely beneficial for most of us.”
I smile, none of us actually needed to talk about this new revelation.
We’re on our way to being as whole as we can be, and although bittersweet, it’s mostly sweet.
It’s been a few weeks since the wedding, and we’re slowly getting back to normal. It’s been good to be back in the warmth of California.
The second hotel is about to open, and Hayden and I are working to get the third one open very soon. Of course, it’s more pleasure than business these days, and I'm more than happy about that. We’ve both learned to slow down and enjoy.
I stare at Hayden lying in my bed, naked and only his lower half covered by my white down comforter. He is magnificent, not only in physical beauty but in the strength he’s given me since I've known him. He challenges me in ways I never expected.
And I've never been one to resist a challenge.
I kiss his cheek and smile when he doesn’t move, dead to the world as he sleeps.
I grab my silky robe and wrap it around me as I walk to the kitchen, not yet heari
ng Baz running around the house this morning.
Viv’s dark hair catches my eyes as I grab a cup of coffee and notice her out on the patio. She’s been quiet since the wedding, and I've been trying to stay out of it, hoping that Asher didn’t hurt her.
Hayden is right, I can’t fix them no matter how badly I want to.
I open the door and walk out to join her. She’s smiling with a mug in her hand and looking out over the ocean. “Good morning.”
“Good morning, Viv. If Baz is still asleep, why the hell are you awake?”
She laughs and takes a sip of her coffee. “The quiet is kind of nice.”
I have to ask her. I see the sadness in her eyes, and I’m taking baby steps with the whole not meddling thing. “Did you and Asher get into it at the wedding? He was quite something there.”
She shakes her head slowly. “No. He doesn’t talk to me anymore, Lola. He calls and asks to speak to Baz, and that’s it. He doesn't care enough to try to upset me.”
She seems saddened by that fact, and I feel awful for her. I know how much she still loves him. “I think I messed up, Viv.” She looks surprised, her eyes on mine as I continue. “I never should have convinced you to leave. I was worried about you guys, and I thought it was best, but that doesn’t mean it was what was best.”
“You were right. We were torturing each other, and it was only going to get worse.”
“Or maybe you would have worked it out. You don’t seem to be moving on here.”
She studies me cautiously and then sighs. “You mean with Sawyer?”
I nod. “I thought that you wanted to see if that was going to move toward a commitment, but it seems to be the same sort of arrangement you had with Asher.”
I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to overstep anymore. But she is my friend. “Maybe that’s all I really want right now. I don’t think I’m ready for being in love and a committed relationship. And I don’t regret moving here.”
“Do you regret leaving him behind?”
She thinks that over. “Yes. He’s Baz’s uncle, and they have this insane bond. I think I should have left things differently, Not so abruptly.”
I’m pretty sure that is my fault. I put the urgency to move in her mind. “I’m so sorry, Viv. I had no right to put so much pressure on you. I love my family so much. I thought I was . . .”
She stops me. with a hand on my arm. “You thought you were helping. And you were trying to. I’m a big girl, Lola. I made my own decisions. I have to live with them.”
“Do you want to be with him?”
Stop meddling.
She shakes her head. “Like I said, I don’t want love and commitment right now, and neither does he. He may never be ready for that.”
I take a deep breath and can’t fight the feeling of relief. And I think she notices it.
“You really don’t think Asher and I would be a good idea, do you?” She senses my hesitance. “I want to know.”
“No,” I say quietly, not wanting to influence her but feeling like she deserves an explanation. “You’re too much like my mother.”
She stiffens. “He said something like that. He thinks we would end up like your parents. And mine.”
I nod my head. “I’m worried you would.”
“You’re a lot like your mother too. Do you worry about that with Hayden?”
My eyes subconsciously look over my shoulder toward the door, searching for him even when I know he’s still in my bed. “No. He’s not like Asher. Or my father. He grew up very differently.”
She nods but quirks an eyebrow. “So you think two rich kids can never work out?”
I hadn’t really thought about that and shake my head, taking her hand in mine. “I don’t know about any of that, but you are so much like my mother and Asher—”
“Is not your father,” she interrupts quickly.
“Not yet.”
She huffs, angry tears in her eyes. “That’s exactly what he thinks too, you know? That I'll somehow turn him into your father.”
She stands up, placing her coffee cup on the side table, and I look up at her, pleading, “Viv. Sit down. I want to tell you something.”
She crosses her arms and looks down at me, not moving. “I’ve heard it from him.”
I don’t think she has because I can almost guarantee Asher has never asked my mom what I have. “I asked my mother how she ended up with my father.”
Her arms drop. “When?”
“Right after he left her. I’d always wondered but never asked. I think we all wondered how such a sweet woman could end up with such a dickhead. I was fed up, and I asked it in pretty much those words.”
She sits next to me again, her back straight and ankles crossed. “And?”
“She swore to me he wasn’t like the man we all knew. Not at all.”
Viv sighs heavily. “Everyone is different at the beginning.”
“Maybe. But she told me he was fun and charming. He made her laugh.” That’s nothing like the man I knew. I don’t remember him ever laughing. “Anyway, I always assumed he thought she was weak and seduced her. Tricked her.”
“Not the case?”
I shake my head. “She was attracted to him. She thought he was handsome but also a good man. He was a player, sleeping with everything in high school.”
“So he was a man whore, and she was a good girl? That seems about right.”
“They became friends. She wouldn’t sleep with him because he was always with other women, but he fell in love with her and changed. For her.” She watches me intently. “She swears it was love. True love. Intense, but he was good to her.”
Something I can’t imagine. He was always such an asshole to her in my memories.
“So, what went wrong?”
“She doesn’t know. She thinks he just got bored. Sick of fidelity. And it made him angry and cold. He started working more and more, drinking more, started having affairs. And the more he acted out, the more perfect she tried to be. She blamed herself for trying to change him and thought she could make him love her again by making everything at home perfect.” She swallows and looks sick as she listens to me. “They were young when they got married. Only nineteen.”
“So he resented not having all of those years to whore around.”
I shrug. “I don’t know. But it makes sense. He was bitter and angry all the time. And I blame him for it, not her. But I can see she still blames herself. When she talks about that other version of him . . .” I think about my mom’s face when she told me all this—distant and sad. “It’s like she thinks she ruined him.”
“And you don’t want me to ruin Asher?”
“I don’t want you to break each other, but it’s not up to me. And I was wrong to try to get you to part if you weren’t ready for that.”
“We aren’t your parents, but I think we may be toxic for each other.”
“I’m sorry you’re both in pain.”
“We’ll be okay, Lola.” She smiles at me. “You’ve changed.”
I smile, taking a drink of my coffee. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
She laughs. “Uh huh. I think the sexy man in your room has done wonders for you, and I couldn’t be happier.”
I know she means it. “He has. I kinda hate him for it.” I laugh. “Bastard. I was doing just fine.”
She laughs and lays her head on my shoulder. “Sure.” She angles her head up to look at me. “You guys are doing so well, and I . . .” What is she going to say? She looks worried. “I just want you to know that I’m going to start looking for a new place to live.”
“What?”
She lifts her head to look directly at me. “You don’t need your friend and your nephew in your home when you are deeply in love and in the fun part where it’s just crazy sex. You deserve to get naughty anytime and anywhere you want in your own home.”
I snort and shake my head. “Viv, I’m not worried about that at all. I don’t mind locking
the door. And if we want a house to have crazy unencumbered sex in, he has a very nice house.”
“Still. I just . . .” She sighs. “I don’t want to be a burden.”
“You’re anything, but a burden. I consider this Baz’s and your house just as much as mine. I want you to see it that way. He’s been through a lot and needs stability.” I take her hand again. “And I love coming home to you guys, seeing Baz run to greet me at the door and talking to you like this in the morning.”
“I like that too.”
“You guys are my family. I hope you’ll stay for a long time.”
Is that too bossy? I shrug. Whatever. I’m always going to be me, and at the end of the day, I'm a little bossy.
“Are you sure? It won’t hurt my feelings.”
“I’m completely sure. I don’t want you guys to leave.”
She studies me, trying to see if I'm lying. I’m not. I love having them here. It’s the first time I've ever felt like my house was a home.
“Okay. But anytime, you just let me know if that changes.”
“It won’t. Just relax and let this be your home.”
She smiles and lays her head on my shoulder. “It really does feel like a home.”
“Only because we’re all in it together.”
Viv seems to be good, maybe still a little lost. But she seems happy and maybe even moving forward. Baz is thriving. Penelope and Linc are happier than ever, as is my mother. Everything is almost perfect.
Except the youngest Sterling. I hope Hayden is right and Asher will come to me if he needs help.
Not that I can do anything to heal him, but I would certainly try.
Christmas was nice. Which is weird. I’ve never really given a fuck about Christmas. When I was really young, my father was usually drunk and really angry during that time, so I just wanted it to be over. When I moved in with my grandma, she tried, but I never believed in the magic of that time like the other kids, and I still just wanted it to be over.
But yesterday with the Sterlings and Penelope, it was nice. Asher didn’t show, so Lola was worried, but he did have several gifts shipped to Baz and then video called him. So at least they all knew he was alive. The kid has a difficult path ahead of him, that’s for sure, but I still believe he’s going to come to Lola.
