Postcards From the Edge

by Carrie Fisher

  “God, I feel so . . . I really feel good about my commitment to not doing drugs. I mean, just doing a little bit of drugs. Feel my arm. I feel really good. Well, I know I don’t look that great, but I didn’t sleep that much and I drank this bad juice.

  “Let’s go over and talk to that girl. I wanna go over and talk to that girl. Who is that girl? Lisa what? What is she, an actress or something? I loathe actresses. She looks smart, though. Smart people always wear black. Who’s the guy she’s talking to? Craig? I wanna go talk to her. God, he’s such a loser. I should talk to her, I’m like a real guy. I have to go talk to her. Give me another hit of that stuff, maybe I’ll go talk to her. I know what I said, I know what I said. Just give me one more hit. What are you, stingy with the blow now? I’ll help pay for it. I’m just gonna do it . . . Like, I’m gonna celebrate not doing it by doing a little bit. (sniff) Mmmmhh! (sniff) Yeesssss!

  “I wish there was something like holistic blow, you know what I mean? That there would be some way in nature you could take blow and it would be good for you. I wish my doctor would make me take it for some weird ailment I have. This is good coke, though. This is really good. How much did you pay for this? Not bad. That is not bad. And who did you get it from? Oh, yeah, I had some once from him that was so great. Remember the night we . . . Give me another hit. Give me one more hit.

  “(sniff) Aaaahhh! (sniff) Ooooww! No, it’s not the coke, it’s me. I had this cold last week. Actually, I think it was more my sinuses. I have a sinus problem, or I seem to more in the last couple of years. I don’t know, I have to go to a doctor at some point.

  “Nah, I don’t want to talk to that girl anyway. I wanna talk to you. I’ve missed you. I really feel like I can talk to you, I really feel we have a lot in common. I know we don’t see each other much socially, but I’ve gotta say every time that we’ve spent time together, I’ve enjoyed it. Remember the night in Vegas when we met? You weren’t actually dealing then, were you? Someone said you were a dealer once, I nearly punched the guy out. You’re like a really good guy, man. I really like you.

  “Think we can get any more of this stuff? ’Cause, I mean, I’m quitting after tonight anyway because, I don’t know, I should start taking care of myself. Whew, my heart is really palpitating. You think if I took one more hit it might calm me down a little bit? I know that sounds like a dumb cocaine question, but I think if you do a certain amount and then taper off, you can hit that peak and really be buzzing, you know, when you feel like the world is lined up just exactly right. God, I sure love life. Can I have another hit?

  “I think this is good for me—to test my resistance. I mean, I think it’s wimpy to give up cocaine. Master the drug, that’s the key—the total key to the whole thing. I mean, people who actually have to go and give it up—it just shows they’re weak. They go to groups like Cocaine Anonymous and those people, they always fuckin’ talk about drugs. You know? It’s like all they do is not do drugs. Well, man, I’d rather do drugs. Do you have another hit?

  “Man, this party’s a drag. I don’t know, I feel so agitated and, you know, itchy to . . . Can we go to your place? Hey, come over to mine. Well, let’s just go outside then, let’s walk around. There’s nobody here that I like. God, look, they’re eating. Uuggh, look at that shit, it looks awful. Come on, let’s go outside and talk.

  “Did I ever tell you I graduated with honors from high school? Yeah, I was a real brainy kid. Very precocious. I don’t know, I thought I’d go into writing because it interested me. But I gotta tell you, the environment at the networks is just not that exciting. I’d rather be in music, you know, but I don’t play an instrument. Maybe I could learn, though. I feel now like I could learn an instrument. Do you play an instrument? That’s interesting, that’s very interesting. We both don’t play any instruments. But, you know, I feel that you, like me, we have the spirit of musicians. You know, sitting around communicating. I think artists do that.

  “That girl in black, maybe she’s an artist. I’ve always wanted to meet someone who wrote poetry and went to jazz clubs, and she’d draw me into her life and we’d become soulmates. I wonder if I have a soulmate.

  “Can I have some more blow? One more hit, ’cause I’m like really cresting now. Maybe we could just buy a little, what the hell? This is a party. I have not been getting loaded. This is a reason to celebrate.

  “(sniff) Aaaahh! (sniff) Ooohhh! There is like an edge on this, though, don’t you think? Am I sweating? I look all right, don’t I? I don’t look paranoid, do I? Sometimes I get paranoid that I look paranoid. I don’t want anyone to think I’m paranoid. It’s not like I care what people think, but sometimes I do. I admit it. I’m a human being. I’ve always cared a little bit what people think.

  “But anyway, I like it when it’s like this, you know, and we’re just talking. This is a great conversation, man. We should be taping this. So, what do you do? You’re writing? What are you writing about? Articles on stereo equipment. That’s fascinating. So should we go buy some more of this blow? He’s out? Well, let’s go to Brentwood. No, that’s true, he usually has shitty blow, but it’s not that expensive and he’s always there.

  “Are my gums bleeding? It feels like my gums are bleeding. I don’t know why, I must have cut myself talking. Maybe we could get a lude, too, because I’m starting to feel very . . . unhappy. I don’t mean unhappy, literally, but it’s like I wanna be somewhere else but I don’t know where I wanna be . . . let’s go to Brentwood. Let’s just, fuck it, let’s go to Brentwood. Leave your car here, I’ll drive you back later. How many toots do we have left? Shit, well, let’s go to Brentwood.

  “God, I wish I hadn’t had that wheatgrass juice, I feel awful. Shit, they really should give you instructions with health food. Anything taken to excess can be unhealthy, even healthy stuff. But forget about excess, I don’t even think it’s that good for you in moderation. Nothing green can be good for you, can it? Uuugghh! Give me some more. Let’s just do the last hit, just so we can get into the car and get to the next stop. (sniff) (sniff).

  “What’s the matter with you? You look tense. Are you okay? God, what time is it? Sometimes I get so nervous and I don’t know why, you know? I heard this phrase once, ‘contentless fear,’ and I think that’s what I have now. ’Cause there’s no reason why I should be this jumpy. I mean, I’m comfortable with you, or I was comfortable with you. I’m sorry I’m talking so much. I don’t know, it just must be the night. God, what a night.

  “Jesus! Where did that guy come from, I almost ran him over. Jesus! Jesus. Okay, okay, I am slowing down. I don’t know, somehow it got up to seventy-five. Jesus. Let’s do the rest of the blow in case we’re stopped. What did you do, hog it all?

  “God, man. I should never have done this. I should never have done all this blow. I hate myself. Why did I do this? Now I have an upset stomach from the wheatgrass juice and the fuckin’ thing with the blow. I wonder if that girl with the black dress is still at the . . . Here we are, this is his block.

  “I feel so dumb now. Why did I do that? Well, I didn’t do anything dumb. It was probably the blow. That blow did burn a little bit. Now we’ll get some better blow. I hope he has some good blow. I hope he has some blow. Maybe he has a lude, though. You know, if I could . . . Well, now I’m maybe in kind of a two-lude mode . . .

  “What do you mean, I’m talking to myself? Well, obviously I’m talking to myself. I can’t talk to you. What do I have in common with someone who writes articles about stereo equipment? Jesus.

  “All right, let’s just get inside, we’ll get inside. How much cash do I have? Hundred and ten, a hundred and ten bucks, that’s good. Maybe he’ll take a check, that’d be okay. I don’t like to do that, though. What if they . . .

  “Alex. It’s Alex!”

  What is this asshole, deaf?

  “Hi! Hi, man, how ya doin’? Yeah, yeah, I know it’s late. Yeah, well, we were just drivin’ around and . . . You know Steve. Yeah. Well, can we come in? Thanks.


  “So, do you have any coke? Half a gram? What do you mean? I thought you were a dealer. Can you get more?”

  Oh, shit. Oh, shit!

  “Well, do you have any ludes or anything? I’m really on edge now, I’m so on edge. Well, yeah, get the half a gram, and see if . . . Whatever you have. Anything you have. I just want anything you have. And Steve wants whatever else there is.”

  Goddamn it, why did I do this? Just give me that half a gram, and then I’ll take the half a gram, and then I’ll try and decide what to do. I’ve gotta figure out how I’m gonna get down . . . I don’t want to be with these people. Who are these people? I loathe these people. Look at the skin on that guy, God, it’s enough to drive anyone insane. What is that, a bug on the floor? Look at this place. God, what a dive. What a miserable dive.

  I hear people. Why do I always hear people? Wait, now, this is the coke, just calm down. What’s the big deal? Just calm down. I can’t believe this, I’m not gonna be able to drive. I feel like digging a hole in the carpet. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

  Is that the sun coming up? No, it’s probably just . . . It is, it’s the streetlight. I just hope those birds don’t come out. I’ll kill myself, I will, I’ll kill myself if those fuckin’ birds come out. I’ve gotta have those ludes, gotta have a set of ludes just to get me down. Maybe I should check his medicine cabinet, but he’s a dealer so wouldn’t he be smart about that? Nah!

  “Can I use your bathroom?”

  I loathe this guy. Let’s see, what’s he got? Anacin. Afrin. Actifed. Lomotil—sure, ’cause he’s got the runs all the time from the baby laxative in his fuckin’ blow. Percodan! Jesus! Two. Two’s not usually enough, but fuck it, I’ll take the two. Endo 333, oooh, my favorite. I better run the water so they don’t hear me close this. Aaahh, that’s good, that’ll be good. I’ve taken so much blow, though. Two Percodan on all this blow won’t even matter. Maybe I should go get health food . . . Tomorrow I’m really . . .

  That’s it, man, this is it. I’m gonna remember this, I’m always gonna remember this. That I’m sitting here in Brentwood with two loser guys that I have nothing in common with, doing drugs and trying to make conversation. I could kill myself. I loathe my life.

  I’ll never feel those Percodan. Goddamn it, I hope he’s got some ludes. Please let him have ludes.

  “Oh, man, I feel a little better after going to the john. Hey, listen, man, you wouldn’t have any ludes or anything? I mean, I know I asked you already, but I had like a very tense day. I had some bad wheatgrass juice and . . . I don’t know, maybe it’s an astrological thing, but . . .

  “Ecstasy? No, but I’ve heard of it. Yeah, right, who hasn’t? Aren’t you supposed to be with girls or something? Really? It just puts you in a good mood? Well, great, give me some. A good mood? Oh, great. No, no, I’m in a good mood now, I’m just in too strong of a mood. No, let’s, let’s . . . Give me one of those. Sorry, I didn’t mean to grab.

  “Great! They’re big, aren’t they? Do you have anything to wash it down? Any tequila or anything? Yeah, beer’s fine. Oh, wow. So how long do these take to kick in? No, not since that juice this afternoon. Really? That quick? What’s in it, do you know? Somebody said there was heroin in it. Not this stuff? Okay, good, ’cause that’s the one thing I don’t wanna do. Well, one time I snorted some, but I would never do any needles. I really think that makes you a drug addict, and me, I’m like a neck-up person.”

  I feel a little nauseous all of a sudden. It’s probably the juice.

  “Hey, this is a nice place. I’ve never really noticed that you have a nice apartment. It’s like, kind. I don’t know if that’s an appropriate way to describe decor, but it seems so . . . friendly. Particularly for a dealer’s house. What is this music? This is fantastic music. Really? I usually hate Led Zeppelin. It’s so interesting, so interesting. Do you mind if I lie down near the speakers? Do you have a pillow or anything?”

  God! I feel like I’m making such a fool of myself. I don’t even know these guys and I love them. I guess it’s gotta be the drug, but it doesn’t seem like the drug. Maybe this is the Percodan. I know it’s not good to mix so much, but this feels like such a good blend. Maybe this is exactly right. Maybe from now on I should only do a little cocaine, a couple of Percodan maybe, and then that Ecstasy, and listen to Led Zeppelin. And that’ll be my recipe. Like when I’ve been good, like I have for the past whatever. I’ve been straight . . . I mean, I was drinking, but I don’t count that. When I’ve been straight for this kind of a while and I really get on edge, the way to take it off is to be with these guys. I love these guys.

  I mean, I don’t want to have sex with them, but that idea is not totally repellent to me, either. Steve, even though he has bad skin, is a great guy, and he’s got an ass like a girl. I never noticed that before. Oh, I’m so happy. I think I’ve really turned this experience around.

  “Steve. Don’t ever leave me. I can’t imagine being separated from you people. Ever.”

  I want to bond with them on some level. I want to show them how I feel. Maybe this is too excessive. Yeah, I should just get more into the music.

  That girl at the party in black . . . Even the party seems nice now. Maybe we should . . . No, I’d have to move. Maybe I could call the party and tell them to send the girl here. That would be perfect.

  I just feel at one with everything. I remember the time I took acid, and I took the wrong end of the cardboard and it never came on. Maybe this is like acid. But everything looks the same, it just looks nicer. Nicer to be with. Maybe I should decorate my apartment like this.

  My nose still hurts, though. Maybe I should never take cocaine again. Yeah, from now on I’ll just take Ecstasy every so often. It’s probably better for me. They only just made it illegal, so how bad could it be? And they haven’t even said it’s bad for you. They just don’t really know yet what it does to you.

  How could I not have found this before? I’m so happy. Maybe I should just call the party and ask for that girl. What’d he say her name was? No, maybe I’ll just . . . Is it rude to jerk off in people’s houses? I’ll just get up and . . .

  “No, no, no, I’m okay, man. I just wanna use your can. What? No, I’ve snorted heroin, but I would never shoot it. Oh, you would do it for me. Well, I suppose that doesn’t count, then, right? But I wouldn’t have to . . . ? And it’d just be a little bit, right?”

  It seems like it would be good. Heroin’s like the natural drug. I don’t know, though. This is so weird.

  “You wouldn’t do anything bad to me, would you? You have such a great expression on your face right now. All right, sure, I’ll trust you. But just give me a little bit. And Steve, you’re driving us back, right? Well, maybe I’ll just crash here then. That’s cool, right? I like Brentwood.”

  I can’t believe this. I’m tying off. This is so weird. I never thought I would do this. But I’m just gonna do it once.

  “Okay.”

  Oh, my God! Now I understand everything. This is so intensely great. Smack. It sounds like a breakfast cereal. It sure doesn’t feel like a breakfast cereal. Shit, I love this. It’s like floating down the Nile in your mind. Deep sea diving in your head. This must be well-being.

  Does this make me a drug addict? No, I’m just celebrating tonight. What a great night this is.

  I’ll never do cocaine again. Uh-uh. Maybe a little Ecstasy, a little heroin, but I’ll never do cocaine again. And I’m gonna start working out tomorrow. I’m gonna start an aerobic workout tomorrow on my bike. Maybe tomorrow afternoon. I wish I’d never had that wheat-grass juice, though. I feel sort of nauseous.

  “Oops, sorry, man. Let me clean it up.”

  God, that was the easiest puke I’ve ever had. I wish I could have always thrown up that way. That felt almost good.

  “Sure, take my car. I’ll wait here. I’ll just . . . be . . . here . . .”

  What a nice, kind apartment this is. I think everyone should just love each other. That’s what I think.

  I do
n’t know when I’ve felt this rested. I’ve never truly been relaxed. I’m finally relaxed. I feel like Jesus slipped me in the pocket of his robe, and we’re walking over long, long stretches of water.

  My parents were so fabulous to have had me. This is just . . .everything. My teeth feel so soft. This is why people take this. It wouldn’t even be so bad to die of really good heroin. I wouldn’t mind just living two more weeks and dying at the end of it if I could have two weeks like this. Although it would be much better to have years and years. I don’t think you can even call this a drug. This is just a response to the conditions we live in.

  I wonder what that art student at the party is doing. She had such soft, silky hair. She seemed so invested in everything, like the now was exactly where she wanted to be. And now I know how she feels. This is perfect.

  If she were here now, it would be like Adam and Eve. We would make this the Garden of Eden, this apartment. Anywhere we were would be the Garden of Eden. And I could really communicate with my heart. It’s just a question of finding the right person. If she were here now, I would just hold her and hold her and hold her, like we were twins waiting to be born out of this apartment in Brentwood.

  She’s probably my soulmate. What if I met my soulmate and now I’ll never see her again? But we met and kissed on the astral plane. We flew in the astral plane, and now I’m flying toward her. If she’s my soulmate, and I truly believe she is, we’ll meet again. We’re always meeting. There is no meeting for soulmates. They’re always together and never apart.

  We’ll have a child, and we’ll bring it up on heroin so that it’ll have a happy childhood. And I’ll buy her lots and lots of black shirts and sweaters. And she’ll play the bongo drums in a jazz club in the East Village, while I recite stream-of-consciousness poetry that everyone thinks is brilliant. I am brilliant. I’m everything.