So Much It Hurts

by Dawn, Melanie

  “Kaitlyn!” my mom yelled up the stairs. “You’re going to be late for school!”

  “Coming, Mom!” I put on the finishing touches of my makeup and flew down the stairs; I didn’t want to be late for school. Not only would Trevor get angry and question my whereabouts, but I also didn’t want to miss an opportunity to catch a glimpse of the face that infiltrated my mind, keeping me up all night.

  That afternoon in Theatre Arts was much the same as the day before. Ms. Carducci lectured us about the history of the Globe Theater while I tried my best not to stare at Chris. My anxious heart refused to stop pounding, causing red blotches on my chest and cheeks. About midway through class, I caught Chris looking down at his desk. He was scribbling furiously on a piece of paper. Lost in thought, I knew he wasn’t paying any attention to me stealing occasional glances at him. Relief flooded me and the pounding in my chest subsided. I reveled in the pleasure of watching him as his eyes gazed down at the paper. Clearly, he was in deep concentration. His fingers made their way to his temples and pressed as if they were trying to squeeze out a thought. His eyes narrowed as he studied the writing on his paper. Leaning ever so slightly toward him, I tried to peek at the paper in front of him. Just when I thought I saw what looked like musical notes, he quickly began scribbling again. I stared at him, memorizing every detail of him.

  He was dangerously handsome. His dark eyes were set deep beneath jutting eyebrows, and his black hair was tousled on his head in total disarray. His shoulders were broad, and his muscular arms peeked out beneath the sleeves of his taut T-shirt that only showcased them even more. The scent of his masculine cologne wafted toward me, and I inhaled a deep, staggering breath. At that moment, he glanced up at me, and his gaze caught mine. Crap! I could feel the blood surging adrenaline throughout my body again. My stomach quivered at the sight of his delectable, chocolate brown eyes settling on me. One corner of his mouth tilted upward in a half smile as he gave a slight nod in acknowledgment. As if in a trance, I smiled back at him unable to tear myself away from his stare. As quickly as he looked up, he returned his attention back to the paper and continued scribbling.

  I literally felt breathless. How could a guy I barely knew have that kind of effect on me? I spent the rest of the class period trying to concentrate on the teacher’s lecture. When the bell finally rang to end our time in class, I noticed that my notebook paper was filled with pictures of dark irises and question marks. Shamefully, I ripped the paper up and tossed the shreds into the nearby trashcan on my way out the door to meet Trevor.

  “So,” Allison asked at cheerleading practice that day, “do you know anything about the new guy?”

  “Not really,” I said, trying hard to remain casual.

  “Well, I heard that he escaped from juvie in another state and transferred to our school under a new name,” Rachel piped up.

  Eva nodded. “Yeah, I heard he ran a drug ring in his old school, and when one of the kids from a rival gang showed up dead in a nearby lake, they pinned it on him.”

  “Guys,” I said, exasperated, “come on. Do you really think all of that is true?”

  “Well, that’s what I heard.” Eva’s eyes were wide with worry.

  “I seriously doubt it,” I said defensively.

  They didn’t sit next to him in class. They didn’t rush to school each morning to see if they could find him in the crowd of students. They didn’t watch him while he poured his heart onto his paper during class. Their dreams weren’t saturated with his enchanting eyes.

  Every day felt like the same old scenario. Trevor and I continually argued, and our heated disputes became more and more frequent. I tried everything I could to avoid Trevor’s fiery rage. The harder I tried to squelch his anger, the less happy I became. I realized I was becoming a doormat. Trevor stomped all over me and left me feeling dirty and used. My bruised ego and suffering self-esteem drifted aimlessly down the hallways of the school as I somehow managed to get through each day while trying to keep a smile on my face. After all, a cheerleader was always expected to be happy…and peppy. I miraculously faked them both.

  The only time I felt in control of my life was on Friday nights at the football games. I was in my own world as I yelled at the top of my lungs in front of the crowd. The onlookers roared along with us in support of our football team’s first big game that year. Our team, the East Jenkins Bulldogs, was playing our arch rivals, North Wingate Patriots. It was the biggest game of the season. Everyone was expected to come out and root the Bulldogs to a victory. The cheerleaders anxiously stood by the field house to cheer on the team as they trotted out onto the field. Excitement coursed through my veins. I knew this was a big game for Trevor. He would never admit it, but he was nervous. Several scouts from colleges had come to check him out that night.

  Being captain, Trevor led the team out onto the field. He looked like a champion already in his football uniform. Resembling a warrior, he headed into battle with black stripes painted below his eyes. His head held high, he proudly trotted across the field holding his helmet above his head while the other football players bellowed their battle cries. The crowd roared to life as the players rallied around Trevor on the sideline. I knew it was Trevor’s night to shine, and although I would never admit it, I felt incredibly proud that I could call myself his girlfriend that night.

  The game was in the third quarter, and the score was 20-14, with our team in the lead. Trevor had scored two of the three touchdowns for the night. Eric, our kicker, did not seem to be on top of his game. He had already missed one extra point. Except for a few minor injuries, the game had been fairly uneventful. The humdrum of the game didn’t prevent the crowd from continuously thundering with excitement. The frenzy never subsided.

  We were in the middle of a cheer when I caught him out of the corner of my eye. At the top of the bleachers, Chris was sitting amidst a group of guys, but his eyes weren’t on the game. They were on me. I almost lost my train of thought as I struggled to keep my mind in focus. I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t want to be too obvious. Involuntarily, my smile widened at the thought of him watching me.

  After the game, I waited by the field house with Allison. Trevor’s third touchdown of the night had won the game for our Bulldogs, 33-28. Eric had missed another extra point, but that didn’t seem to matter to anyone except him. The cool night air buzzed with excitement. I always loved when our team won because Trevor was in a great mood the rest of the night.

  He jogged out of the field house in faded jeans and his lucky Bulldogs T-shirt. “Hey, babe!” He greeted me with a huge smile. Hugging me, he lifted me off the ground and swung me around full circle.

  “Trevor, you were awesome tonight!”

  “Man, that was the game of my life! We almost didn’t make it, though. I couldn’t believe they almost had us down by one point!”

  “I know!” I cried. “But, you did it! Those scouts are sure to love you!”

  “Man, that game rocked!” Putting his arm around me, he walked me to his truck. “Wanna meet some people at Spud’s?” he asked as he opened the door of his truck for me.

  “Sure!”

  Spud’s was a local diner where a lot of kids hung out on Friday and Saturday nights. The owner, a former Bulldog, always gave free food to the football players after home games.

  When we got to Spud’s, we found Allison and her boyfriend already seated. The greasy scent of fried food filled the air. Flashing signs in the windows beckoned customers with ‘Eat Here’ and ‘Open Late’ in bright neon colors. The black and white checkered floor, the laminate table tops, and the retro lights hanging above each table made me feel like I’d stepped out of the twenty-first century back into a 1950s diner. Several other football players and their girlfriends were hanging out in the booths nearby, while others hovered around the vintage juke box in the corner choosing songs from its meager selection.

  “Trevor!!!” several guys yelled in unison as we walked through the door. The hero had arrived. I hu
ng back as Trevor received some high fives, a few punches to the shoulder, and a couple of tackling bear hugs.

  Spud, a nickname the owner went by, came out of the kitchen with a tray full of burgers and fries. “Good game tonight, boys!” he bellowed as he placed the tray in the middle of the hungry football players.

  “Thanks, Spud!” several guys said, and the feeding frenzy began.

  Trevor was lost in conversation, recounting the plays of the game with his teammates when I slipped away from the table and headed toward the bathroom. While I was as happy as I could be at that moment, I just needed a minute to myself.

  A shadowy figure sat at the back booth in a dimly lit corner of the diner. A few other guys nearby were throwing darts at a dartboard that hung on the wall.

  “Hey,” a deep male voice stated.

  “Hey.” I squinted my eyes to adjust to the darkness. Just as my eyes focused, I realized it was Chris. My heart immediately began to pound. I glanced back at Trevor, but he was still lost in conversation and hadn’t even noticed I was gone.

  “You’re a cheerleader,” Chris said flatly.

  “Yeah…” What’s he getting at?

  “Humph.” Chris let out a disapproving grunt.

  I immediately felt defensive. “Don’t go making judgments,” I told him.

  “I’m not,” he backed off a little, tossing a French fry dripping with melted cheese into his mouth. “Just surprised, I guess,” he said with his mouth full. “Cheerleaders like you don’t talk to guys like me.”

  “Cheerleaders like me?” I had never really put myself into the ‘snobby cheerleader’ category before.

  “Didn’t you get the memo? Cheerleaders don’t give guys like me the time of day. I just—”

  “No, don’t explain. You’ve made yourself perfectly clear. Obviously, cheerleaders like me,” I said, using my fingers as air quotes for emphasis, “shouldn’t talk to convicts like you, period.” I glared at him, more hurt than angry.

  “Ouch,” he said, looking genuinely upset.

  My face immediately softened. “I’m sorry,” I quickly apologized, embarrassed by my thoughtless jab. I wasn’t usually so confrontational. Trevor had kept me under his thumb so long, I had almost forgotten what it felt like to take up for myself. I stepped toward the bathroom door trying to escape from the awkward moment.

  “It’s no big deal. I deserved it,” he said, looking down at an invisible spot on the table. He looked up again and caught my gaze with those dark brown swirling irises that whisked my insides to a pulp. A bashful grin spread across his face. Shyly, I glanced down at the floor, but slowly looked up and locked eyes with him again. I secretly prayed that he couldn’t read the emotions on my face like a book. Inching my way to the restroom to escape his entrancing stare, I quickly swung open the bathroom door and rushed inside.

  I stood at the sink and looked at the mirror. Sitting in the diner, two very different guys had my attention. I chided myself for letting one of them control my life. I just wasn’t sure exactly which guy that was at the moment. I took a deep breath then stepped out through the doorway, back into the diner.

  Chris was still sitting at the same spot he was when I had walked into the bathroom. I tried to ignore him. I hoped he didn’t see how much he affected me.

  “What I meant was…you’re a lot nicer,” he said as I walked past his table, “and a lot prettier.”

  I froze. Did he say pretty? “Uh…thanks,” I choked out.

  “It’s just…well, you’re not like any of the other cheerleaders I’ve ever met before. You’re nice. Most cheerleaders wouldn’t even acknowledge me, but you were so friendly to me on my first day here. Thank you for that.”

  I stared at him sitting there in the darkness of the diner. His chiseled jaw line perfectly framed his beaming smile. Wisps of his brown hair flipped out from under his gray, billed beanie. His sculpted biceps bulged beneath his black T-shirt. He looked even more gorgeous than I remembered from class. I could not will my feet to move. I was perfectly content standing there, becoming infatuated with everything about him. Oh, how I wished I could slip into the booth with him and talk the night away!

  “Chris,” one of the guys, a few feet away, called out from the dart game. “Come on, dude. Let’s hit some corks.”

  “I’m being summoned,” Chris said with a smile as he stood from the booth. I must have looked confused because he laughed and added, “It means let’s throw some darts and hit some bull’s-eyes.”

  Nodding, I replied, “Okay, see you later.”

  “I’ll see you around!” He tossed up his hand, waved, and winked at me as he walked away.

  I caught my breath, suddenly realizing I hadn’t been breathing regularly the entire time I stood there. Quickly, I hurried back to join Trevor and his crew. I sat in silence as the football players continued endlessly recounting the moments of the game. Trevor completely ignored me as he regaled countless tales of his experiences that night. My mind wandered to the dark figure in the back of the diner.

  “You ready to go?” Trevor finally asked.

  “Yes,” I said gratefully.

  Trevor kept his arm hugged around me as he walked me out to his truck. Once inside, he looked longingly at me. “It’s been a great night,” he whispered, carefully brushing a strand of hair away from my face.

  “It has,” I agreed, although I felt sure it wasn’t for the same reasons.

  Caressing my cheek, Trevor leaned toward me. He gently brushed his lips across mine. I could feel the energy surging from him as he began to kiss me. Surrendering to him, I let myself kiss him back, welcoming his tongue as it encircled mine. Reaching up, he slipped his hands into my hair and tugged me closer to him, eagerly sucking and nipping at my lower lip. I could feel an urgency in him that made me uncomfortable. “Let’s go…celebrate,” he said, his voice thick with desire.

  I pulled away from him. “No, Trevor, not that.” I grew weary of his constant badgering for the one thing I kept sacred.

  “Come on, Kaitlyn,” he said impatiently as he grabbed my face and kissed me harder.

  I jerked my head back. “No,” I insisted.

  “Why do you always lead me on, Kaitlyn? You always do this. We’ve been together almost two years. Not many guys would wait that long,” he growled.

  “I didn’t. I mean, I’m not. I—” I stammered, taken back by his sudden anger.

  “You. Are. Such. A. Tease!” He spat every word in my face, then shoved me away from him toward the passenger door. He turned the key in the ignition as his truck roared to life. The tires squealed, leaving black marks, as he sped out of the parking lot.

  I hugged the passenger door. I couldn’t believe how quickly my perfect night had come crashing down around me. Trevor flew down the road, taking sharp turns much faster than he should have. I spent the ride praying all four tires would stay on the road. Pulling onto my street in my neighborhood, he grumbled profanities since he was forced to slow down over the speed bumps. Finally, my heartbeat returned to a normal rate knowing I would be safely home soon.

  “Get out,” Trevor practically growled when we pulled into my driveway. “Call me when you aren’t so stuffy and uptight.”

  He nearly shoved me out of the passenger door. Blinded by my tears, I stumbled to the front door. I quickly wiped the tears away on the sleeve of my jacket. I didn’t want my parents to question me. My mom wouldn’t understand. She still believed Trevor hung the moon and walked on water.

  My parents were sitting in the living room watching the local news when I got home. “Wasn’t Trevor great tonight?” my mom asked with admiration.

  “Yeah, that last touchdown was miraculous!” my dad exclaimed, sounding star-struck.

  “Sure,” I said, feeling less than enthusiastic. “I’m going to bed. It’s been a long night.” I trudged upstairs to my bedroom.

  “Okay, goodnight sweetie,” my mom called to me when I reached the top of the stairs.

  I stared at my ceili
ng for a long time that night before going to sleep. Renae, my best friend from middle school, and I had spent hours one weekend researching constellations and strategically placing hundreds of glow-in-the-dark star stickers all over my ceiling. Although she and I had grown apart once we got into high school, I smiled at the reminder of our fun memories together—a time of innocence and happiness. Staring at the glowing “night sky” that Renae and I had created somehow brought peace to my broken spirit.

  I regretted not slipping into the booth with Chris. If I had, I felt sure my night would have ended differently. No one suspected my heartache. No one knew the longing I had in my heart to be rescued from the nightmare of Trevor. I felt trapped, like a caged animal, desperately clawing at the metal rods. Finally yielding to my futile efforts for escape from the cage that I so willingly had walked into, I gave up all hope of freedom by lying listless in the corner. I was a pawn in Trevor’s game of chess just waiting for his next move. I never thought of myself as a coward. I had always been strong-willed and never viewed myself as a weakling, but for reasons I didn’t understand, Trevor had a power over me that I felt like I couldn’t overcome. As soon as I tried to walk away, he would pull me back with his pleading declarations of love. If that strategy didn’t work, he’d remind me of his 9mm handgun. I kept hoping that things would change and get better, but they didn’t. My fear of Trevor kept me running like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere; I hated myself for it. I was too scared to do anything about it. No one grasped the pain that I felt as I forced myself to look happy on the outside, while a war on the inside raged out of control.

  The following Monday, I found Trevor waiting for me by my locker before school. He grinned. “There’s my girl.”

  I never knew from day to day what kind of mood Trevor would be in when I saw him. “Hey,” I said dryly.