His words pierced my soul and took away all the pain my heart had suffered. It was in that moment I realized I was falling in love with him, although according to Allison, I wasn’t even supposed to know his name.
The class sat silently, awestruck by his impressive baritone. Even Ms. Carducci seemed to be at a loss for words. He just sat on the stool, guitar in hand, and kept his eyes focused on mine as if we were the only two people in the room.
Finally, Ms. Carducci spoke up. “That was fantastic, Chris!” she exclaimed and began clapping her hands.
The rest of the class joined in the applause. I could hear whistles and shouts of ‘wow!’ and ‘awesome!’ and ‘that rocked!’ from several students.
Chris thanked the class and made his way back to his seat. Several girls giggled and blushed as he walked by them. He never even noticed.
Class resumed and I felt sure that Chris felt as lost in thought as I did. I saw him jot something down on a small piece of paper. When the bell rang, he jumped up and tossed the folded paper in my direction and headed out the door. Carefully, I opened it up. It read:
I thought I felt the earth shake around me as my heart violently broke in half. I wasn’t sure I would be able to stand up. If I did stand up, I knew my legs would be more shaky than the ground beneath them. I highly doubted I could even make it through the rest of the day. Of course I knew! I had known from the moment our eyes met outside by the gym that day! Openly, my tears revealed the truth my heart already knew. Chris and I lived in two different worlds. Two worlds that would never—could never—join together. I folded the paper and stuffed it into the bottom of my shoe. Trevor would never see it hidden there. I was not letting go of the only thing that connected me to Chris King.
I regained my composure knowing that Trevor would be waiting for me after class. I hoped he wouldn’t be able to read the pain in my eyes. I took a deep breath when I saw him leaning against my locker. He reached out for me as soon as I got close enough to him. Robotically, I gave him a cold, indifferent hug in return, praying he wouldn’t take notice.
“So, are you excited about our hike this weekend?” he asked, oblivious.
“Sure,” I deadpanned, refusing to make direct eye contact with him.
“Good! Wear a white T-shirt,” he said, grinning from ear to ear.
Raising an eyebrow, I speculated, “Why?”
“Just in case it rains,” he smirked. His wink left me repulsed.
Puh-lease. Someone shoot me and put me out of my misery. I just rolled my eyes at him.
“I gotta go to practice. I’ll see you later,” I grumbled, turning around and practically sprinting for the nearest exit.
Later that evening I got an instant message from Chris.
ChrisRocknrollKing: Y didnt u tell me u decided to take Trevor back?
Cheerchick88: U wouldnt understand
ChrisRocknrollKing: I couldnt help but feel like I was singing that song just 4 u 2day. U have been on my mind all afternoon. U r all I think about anymore.
Cheerchick88: I cant stop thinking about u either
ChrisRocknrollKing: Then why r u still with Trevor?
Cheerchick88: Pls dont be mad. I just cant explain it. If only u knew how I felt! I wish things could be different. I really do.
ChrisRocknrollKing: But they wont be, will they?
Cheerchick88: Wont be what?
ChrisRocknrollKing: Different
Cheerchick88: I guess not
ChrisRocknrollKing: I understand. ☹ So I guess I’ll see u at school?
Cheerchick88: Yeah I’ll see u in class
ChrisRocknrollKing: 1 more thing. No matter what, never let anyone tell u that u r anything less than AMAZING.
My heart fluttered in my chest after reading his last message. I knew I probably shouldn’t even be talking to Chris behind Trevor’s back. For some unexplainable reason, I couldn’t feel guilty. Between Trevor and me, there was a large gaping hole in our relationship that seemed impossible to repair. All the pain he caused, that I allowed and enabled, drove the wedge deeper and deeper. I became devoid of any emotions. That moment on the retaining wall when I first met Chris with his guitar in hand, there was a magnetic draw so strong, it was difficult to deny or resist. That magnetism managed to dull the pain; it was a tug, more powerful than his music, that closed the gap and replaced that emotional void with sweet, sweet music to my heart. I couldn’t explain it. Every moment we spent together, with every passing minute we spent talking, the empty space seemed to disappear. While I should have felt like I was betraying Trevor, I didn’t—not after all he’d put me through. The pull Chris had on me was undeniable and a feeling I wasn’t sure I could resist much longer.
I ambled around like a zombie the rest of that week. Somehow I made it through each day—each excruciatingly boring class. Seeing Chris during Theatre Arts felt like a new wound driven into my heart each day. We barely spoke, but I felt sure that he could sense my sadness. Our eyes met a few times and it seemed he was just as plagued about the situation as I was—living in two worlds, wanting nothing more than to hold each other and love each other. Mechanically, I made it through every conversation, and every argument with Trevor. Each night, I managed to complete my homework and pick through my food during dinners. Bedtime was always the hardest. Miserably, I tossed and turned for hours before falling asleep. Sometimes I woke up well before sunrise and stared blankly at the ceiling, unable to fall back to sleep.
Saturday came more quickly than I had wanted. I dreaded the hike with Allison, Eric, and Trevor the same way I dreaded final exams. I lay in bed a little longer that morning praying for rain and trying to convince myself that I was too sick to go. Finally, with a little prodding from my mother, I dragged myself out of bed and headed for the shower.
“Today is a great day for a hike. The weather is perfect!” Trevor sounded excited as he opened the door of his truck for me. I hopped out and looked at the cloudless sky, the heat of the sun already warming my face.
“Good. I was hoping for good weather today,” I lied.
We met Allison and Eric at the trail. Montford Falls was a three mile hike to the top. The waterfalls were gorgeous and worth the trek. From the top, you could see for miles. The mountains in the distance were picturesque against the cool, blue sky.
“You ready?” Allison asked excitedly.
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I replied unenthusiastically.
“Awww, come on,” she teased, “it’ll be fun!”
Trevor grabbed his backpack out of the bed of the truck. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll keep you safe. We’ve got everything we need right here in this backpack.”
The hike was fairly easy. The weather was cool enough that we didn’t break a sweat while walking. We took our time and stopped every so often to snap a few pictures. About halfway into it, I actually started to enjoy myself. A little fresh air went a long way for me. We stopped for lunch at a little picnic area by the lower falls. The rushing water thundering down the cliffs was rhythmic…calming. Trevor was such a gentleman the entire time by holding my hand, helping me over rocks, roots and stumps. He kept his arm around me protectively. It was such a relief—comforting even.
We sat at the picnic area for a while, enjoying the scenery. Allison and Eric decided they wanted to branch off from us for a while for a little private time. I didn’t mind, as it would have been nice to spend some quiet quality time with Trevor. Maybe that was just what I needed to snap out of it.
“Let’s hike to the top,” I suggested to Trevor.
“Sounds great!” he said, hopping to his feet.
“I think we’ll stay here and enjoy the scenery a little while longer,” Allison told us.
“Okay, we’ll see you later.” I waved as we headed up the trail.
Trevor and I hiked in silence. The silence was refreshing. Most of our conversations turned into arguments anyway. I watched him walk ahead of me. He looked stunningly handsome that day. I realize
d that I hadn’t taken the time to really notice him lately. His muscles tensed under his shirt. His calves were stout and chiseled as he walked. The sun rays bouncing through the trees made his corn silk colored hair glisten in the light. No wonder everyone viewed him as a god. He looked like Adonis.
He stopped walking when we got to a clearing near the top of the waterfalls. “This is a good place to take a break,” he said, taking my hand and pulling me to a shady spot off the trail.
“Good,” I said. “I’m thirsty.”
“Me too,” he agreed.
We sat down on a blanket he spread out under a tree. Trevor handed me a water bottle he had pulled from his backpack. “Cheers,” he said as he tapped his water bottle against mine and winked at me.
“Cheers,” I replied and took several big gulps. The water felt smooth and refreshing as it cooled my throat on its way down. We sat silently for a little while sipping our drinks and listening to the river plunge down the rocks from the falls.
“Kaitlyn,” Trevor said, piercing my eyes with his beautiful green irises.
“Yeah?” I asked.
“You are my whole world. I love you more than you know. I know we’ve had our share of arguments. I know I’ve not always been the boyfriend I should have been. I’m sorry for that. I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry, and I love you.”
Stunned, I stared at him for a few seconds. After all I’d been through the last few weeks, I wasn’t really sure how I felt, but I lost myself in that moment. Trevor’s charm got the best of me, and I surrendered. “You’re right, Trevor,” I agreed. “Things have been rough lately. But, the more I try to push you away, the more I see that I can’t let you go. I do love you. We’ve been together too long for me not to love you.”
With that remark, Trevor kissed me. I succumbed to the soft and gentle touch of his lips on mine. My heart felt overwhelmed with love and confusion. The feelings I had nearly two years ago resurfaced and I couldn’t stop myself from kissing him. I felt the urgency in Trevor’s kiss. My desire to be close to him yielded as he pushed me back against the blanket.
I cupped his face in my hands, pulling him toward me while I longed for the intimacy we had lacked the past few months. The love I had for Trevor was unexplainable. After all we’d been through, I knew that love was the very last thing I should have felt for him. But, I just couldn’t help myself.
Lying on top of me, his kisses intensified. I resigned myself to the warmth of his tongue in my mouth, relishing the delicious swirling heat that rippled its way down my body. He pressed his pelvis firmly against me, thrusting against me with his growing arousal. My body reacted naturally to his, tingling in places I had never given much thought before and aching for an exquisite release. I still knew how far I was willing to let Trevor get—it wasn’t as far as I assumed he wanted to go. I felt him tugging at my pants, realizing exactly where he hoped his kisses would lead.
“Trevor,” I murmured.
He tugged harder, trying to pry the button on my pants open. I felt the button snap off. He shimmied them down my hips, sliding them completely off and tossing them on the ground behind us. I could hear him unzipping his own khaki cargo shorts. In that moment, I became fully aware of Trevor’s intentions, and the determined look in his eyes frightened me.
“Wait, Trevor—”
“Shhhhh,” he whispered as he kissed me again, more urgently than before. He thrust his hips deep between my legs pressing himself against me. The only thing separating us was the thin cloth of my underwear.
I tried to wriggle myself away from him. “No. Please stop, Trevor,” I begged, suddenly feeling foggy and disoriented.
Seizing my panties and with a single jerk of his hand, he ripped them off and tossed the tattered cloth to the side. I shoved his chest with all of my might, trying to push him off of me; he didn’t budge.
“Stop, Trevor! Please, don’t do this.” I could hear the repulsive, panting sound of his putrid breath in my ear; it was a sound that would forever haunt me. I tried my best to pull away from him, squirming violently beneath him.
No, this can’t be happening! Allison! Eric! Oh god, please help me! My mind screamed in agony as the event that was about to take place registered in my mind. Please god, don’t let this happen! Please! Dizziness began taking over my brain while my body started feeling strange…heavy.
“Kaitlyn, don’t,” he said. “You know we both want this.” He continued to thrust himself toward my most sacred place—the place where no one had gone before. I clenched my legs, trying to keep it away from me, but he forced my legs to open wider by grinding his hips into me, sending me into full panic mode.
“No, Trevor,” I pleaded desperately. “I don’t wanna…do this…” My mouth had a hard time forming the words, almost as if I had been….drugged?!
Pinning my hands above my head, he held himself firmly against me. His breath felt hot against my cheek. “Just relax,” he whispered gruffly.
“Trev…please,” I slurred, clawing hysterically at his wrists to free his hands from mine. I kicked my legs, trying to wiggle my way out from under him, but the more I kicked the harder he dug his pelvis into me.
My mind floated in and out of consciousness as the drugs that he must have slipped into my water took over my body. No, no, no! I thrashed my head from side to side trying to escape the sickening heat of his breath on my neck, which made me feel dizzy and nauseated. I didn’t have much energy left in my body. The drugs that ran through my veins made me feel weak and tired.
With my last bit of strength, I desperately tried to free myself from under his weight. Trevor’s repulsive kisses on the soft skin on my neck became frenzied and more forceful. Oh god, please, no! Frantically writhing beneath him, I tried to alleviate the pressure on my chest; his weight was too much to bear.
“Stop…please…don’t…” I willed my mouth to speak one last time as I felt my mind spiraling down into a disoriented blackness. Feeling as though I was losing consciousness, I struggled to breathe. Just before my last breath ran out, I surged forcefully beneath him trying to escape him and to avoid the inevitable, but my efforts were unsuccessful. I felt Trevor’s weight on my body as he forced his way into mine. My mind went blank as the drugs finally took over. No longer having any control, I blacked out.
It was cold and dark when I woke up. I bolted up; my eyes tried to adjust to the darkness. Oh god, where am I? A sharp, painful memory flashed through my mind. The fog in my brain and the soreness between my legs served as excruciating reminders of the event that had occurred just hours earlier. Shivering, I wrapped the blanket around myself as my eyes tried to adjust to the darkness. The moon was bright above the trees, which helped me see my jeans piled by a tree. Grabbing them, I attempted to get dressed. My legs felt like lead which made it difficult to go through the motions of putting them on. Zipping them up, I remembered the missing button Trevor had snapped off, and again my mind flashed back to the painful moments prior to me blacking out.
Numbly, I sat back down and surveyed my surroundings while I tried to get my bearings. Tall shadowy trees loomed above me. Crickets chirped an eerie song around me. I could hear the rushing water of the falls through the trees. Alone and scared, I trembled beneath the blanket that I kept wrapped around my shoulders. Panic began to set in. Frozen by fear, I had trouble deciphering what to do next. I didn’t think; I just stood up and ran. I ran as fast as I could toward the sound of rushing water. I’m not sure how long it took to run there, but before I knew it I was standing at the top of the waterfall looking down at the crashing water thundering down jagged, slippery rocks. My lungs frantically gasped for air.
Why had my life gotten so complicated? How could I have been so foolish? This was my fault. This was all my fault. I was stupid to trust Trevor. Yet again, I let myself believe his lies of apology and love; and, look where it got me! What an idiot I had been! How could I have been so stupid? Oh god, I let this happen. Heaving sobs stole my breath. My innocence…it
’s gone! It’s gone and I’ll never get it back. He ripped it from me, and now I’m just sloppy leftovers that no one will want. Why did I ever agree to come up here with him? What was I thinking? Why did I let myself fall victim to Trevor’s lies again? He tore my soul in two, and it’s partially my fault. I marched right up here to the top of this waterfall, spread out a blanket, and let him yank my innocence away from me like he was stealing candy from a baby.
Tears burned my eyes as I angrily wiped them away. I made it easy for him. I walked right into his arms like he was the Trojan horse, and he defeated me. Part of me died underneath him—a part of me that can never be restored. I want it back, God. Please! I want it back! The tears dripped down my cheeks to the dirt below me. What’s the use in begging now? What’s done is done. Now I’m just some dirty, used piece of someone else’s garbage. I loathed the ugly part of me that Trevor left behind—the distraught and irrational part that stood at the edge of a cliff reliving the moments that took place right before I blacked out. Peering down at the crashing, swirling bottomless pit below me, I inched my toes closer to the edge.
Emotionless and empty, I imagined the fall into the dark abyss. It looked so easy. Just one tiny step and I could have made it all go away; the pain would end. No one cared about me. They left me all alone in the woods. Just a few more inches. All I had to do was take…that…last…step.
My phone suddenly began to ring in the pocket of my jeans. Startled, I stumbled backward and landed on a patch of wet moss. I immediately jumped up and fumbled for the phone, flipping it open on the last ring.
“Hello?” I gasped, out of breath.
“Kaitlyn?” The soothing voice on the other end snapped me back into reality.
So Much It Hurts Page 11
