I took a quick breath. “Chris! Thank God, it’s you!”
“Why? What’s wrong?” Concern suddenly filled his voice.
I looked around as if I were seeing my surroundings for the first time. “Oh my God, what am I doing? What was I thinking?”
“Jesus, Kaitlyn, what’s going on? Where are you?” Chris sounded frantic.
“I’m…uh…I’m at the top of Montford Falls,” I took another step back and leaned against a tree, trying desperately to catch my breath. I could feel my heart pounding fiercely in my chest.
“With who?” Chris asked suspiciously.
I hesitated, looking around the shadowy woods that surrounded me, encasing me like a crypt. “I’m by myself.” I choked out the words.
“What the hell? It’s after nine o’clock and dark as fuck out there. What are you doing up there so late by yourself? Never mind, I’m coming to get you. I can be there in two hours. Stay there. Don’t try to walk down in the dark. I’ll hike up to you with flashlights. Just promise me you won’t move…you won’t go anywhere. Please, Kaitlyn!” Chris’s soothing voice pleaded with me.
All I could think of was being safe with him again. “Okay, Chris. I…I promise.” I stammered.
While I waited, I sat by the tree listening to every sound. I wasn’t sure if Trevor or some wild animal was lurking behind a bush waiting for me. The darkness suffocated me while I tried not to move. Two hours felt like an eternity. Crunching leaves caused by approaching footsteps startled me. I froze.
Chris’s voice cut through darkness. “Kaitlyn?”
I heaved a sigh of relief. “I’m right here.”
He pointed his flashlight toward the sound of my voice. The sudden bright light in my face stung my eyes.
“Oh god, Kaitlyn! I was so scared!”
“Chris—” I started but the sobs choked off the words that wanted to come next. By then Chris had lifted me up off the ground and surrounded me in the warmth of his hug.
“Shhh, baby, you’re okay now. It’s okay.” I nuzzled deeper into his chest and breathed that crisp, clean, familiar scent. I was safe. When my sobs subsided, he pulled away to look at me. Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, wiping a tear off my cheek, and gently lifting my chin to look me in the eyes, he whispered, “I’m here now. You’re safe with me.”
Silent tears continued to slide down my cheeks. I looked into his dark brown eyes, nearly black from the darkness that surrounded us. Only the light of the moon illuminated the outline of his face.
“You saved me,” I managed to squeak out. “I was so close, and you saved me.”
He glanced at the edge of the cliff, watching the water thunder down the rocks with powerful force. An awareness crossed his face as he registered exactly what I was trying to tell him. Staring at me in the darkness, his lip trembled, holding back emotions he dare not release.
He grasped the back of my head and pulled me toward him. Cradling my head against his chest, he whispered, “Oh god, baby, I don’t know what I would do if something happened to you. Thank god you’re all right.” The desperation in his voice sent shivers down my spine as butterflies fluttered in my belly.
“I’m sorry.” It’s the only thing I could think to say before my eyes glossed over again.
Caressing my hair, he gently kissed the top of my head. “Come on, baby, let’s get you out of here, away from this place,” he said as he grabbed my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine and pulling me farther away from the dangerous cliff.
Chris held my hand all the way down the trail and back to his car, helping me over rocks, stumps, and exposed tree roots. His black CRX looked almost invisible in the dark parking lot. Empty beer cans lay in the spot where Trevor had parked his truck. I just couldn’t understand why Eric and Allison would leave knowing I was still up there.
After I was buckled in and Chris was sitting in the driver’s seat, he turned to me. With a look of concern he said, “I don’t know exactly what happened, but I think I should take you to the hospital to see a doctor or talk to someone.”
“No!” I yelled, a little louder than I had intended.
“But, Kaitlyn—”
“No, Chris! I can’t!” I screeched with a terror-stricken voice.
“Kaitlyn, talk to me. What happened?”
“I just…can’t. Please, just take me home.” I begged. I could never tell anyone what happened with Trevor.
Never.
“Kaitlyn, please.”
“No, Chris! Please! If you care for me at all, please just take me home. I just want to go home!” Tears fell down my cheeks and panic filled my mind.
Chris stared at me long enough to make me feel uncomfortable. I felt like anyone who looked at me long enough would be able to see the secret I kept hidden. He sighed. “Okay, Kaitlyn. For you, I will. But, I’m telling you now, it’s against my better judgment.”
“Thank you. I’ll be fine. I swear.”
We drove home in silence. I could tell Chris wanted to ask more questions, but didn’t. Maybe he knew the truth and was trying to save me from having to explain myself and bring up the painful memories all over again. I appreciated the silence. However, even in the silence, I could feel Chris’s comforting presence as his hand found mine in the darkness.
Just as Chris’s car pulled into the driveway, my mom stormed out the front door of my house.
“Mom!” I said as I jumped out of the car.
“Just where have you been, young lady? Out gallivanting around with this…this…trouble maker?” She hissed.
“No, mom, I—”
“Get in the house, Kaitlyn! I’ve been worried about you for hours and all this time you’ve been with this convicted felon and drug dealer’s son!”
“No, mom! It wasn’t like that!”
“Mrs. Davenport, I can explain,” Chris offered.
“And you,” she seethed at Chris. “You get off my property before I call the police.”
“Please Mrs. Davenport, if you’ll just let me explain—”
“No!” she yelled. “Now get off my property before I have you arrested!”
“Mom, stop!”
“Get in the house, Kaitlyn,” she growled.
I looked at Chris apologetically. Shrugging in defeat, he sunk back into the driver’s seat of his car and drove away.
“Mother, how could you?”
“Kaitlyn, ever since that boy came into your life you have been a mess. You barely eat. You barely sleep. You have been disrespectful of me and your father. Your grades have been slipping. Everything has gone downhill ever since you met Chris!”
“Mom, if it weren’t for Chris,” I glared at her furiously, “I wouldn’t be standing here right now!”
With that outburst, I turned, ran up to my room, slammed my door, and threw myself onto my bed, clutching my pillow to muffle my sobs.
I stood in the shower longer than usual the next morning, scrubbing my skin raw under the scalding hot water which did nothing to rinse away the painful memory from the day before, or hell, from the past two years. I felt ugly, dirty, and betrayed. No amount of soap and water would wash away the hurt or the pain. I crouched in the shower, letting the water run across my back. Hugging my legs and pressing my forehead onto my knees, I cried. I grieved the wasted two years I’d spent with Trevor. I grieved the loss I knew I could never get back; the hurt he caused would forever leave a blemish on my soul. I cried confused tears that couldn’t understand why anyone would do what he did to me, or why my best friend would walk away knowing I was still out there somewhere. I cried aching tears that longed for someone to understand without me having to actually speak the truth. I begged to God for the courage to speak out and tell someone. I cried angry tears that wanted to claw the tiles off the wall and sling them across the bathroom to crack that sobbing mess of a reflection in the mirror into a trillion shards of broken glass. The hot water soothed my nerves, washing the tears off my face and down the drain. At that moment, every ra
nge of emotions was coursing through my body, and I felt myself collapsing against the fiberglass tub in an exhausted heap. Let me die. Let me go to sleep and never wake up. I sobbed until my energy was spent and the water ran cold. The cool blast from the shower head jolted me back to reality.
Climbing out of the shower, I wrapped myself in a towel and flopped down on my bed. I didn’t have the energy to move. I didn’t have the will to get up, to get dressed, or anything. I just lay there, wallowing in my sorrow long enough for my hair to dry.
A soft knock came at the door. “Kaitlyn, honey, is everything okay?” my mom’s muffled voice asked me through the closed door.
“I’m fine, mom.”
“I brought you some breakfast,” she said sweetly, as if her peace offering would make up for the events that transpired the night before.
I groaned into my pillow. “I’m not hungry.”
“You need to eat something.”
Food was the last thing on my mind. But, I appreciated my mom for trying to smooth the waters between us. “Okay, I will. Thanks. Just leave it there. I’ll get it in a minute when I get dressed.”
“Okay, honey. Please try to eat something.”
“I will,” I promised.
I heard her set down the plate and skitter down the steps. Dragging myself off my bed, I got dressed in some pink pajama pants and a plain white tank top. I knew I didn’t want to leave my room, much less the house, so my lounge clothes seemed like the best option. Opening the door, I found a steaming hot plate of scrambled eggs, grits, and bacon. The smell invaded my nostrils, and immediately my stomach growled. The last time I had eaten anything had been lunch the day before.
Closing my door again, I sat in my chair and balanced the plate on my knees. I grabbed a slice of bacon and took a bite. My ravenous stomach eagerly welcomed the morsel, and I quickly realized how starved I truly felt. After devouring the rest of it, I sat the empty plate on the floor. There was only enough room on my desk for my desktop computer. I logged into instant messenger, and the familiar sound of the creaking door alerted me that several of my friends were logging on as well.
Sk8erboi04: Hey Kaitlyn
FirstFlutegirl87: Girlfriend, what’s up?
GoBulldogs42: Yo Katydid! How u doin girl?
Ugh. I don’t know what I was thinking…mere habit I guess. Maybe it was a desperate attempt for some type of normalcy, but I just wasn’t in the mood. The thought of trying to carry on a conversation with anyone churned my stomach. Just before I logged off, a familiar screen name popped up.
ChrisRocknRollKing: Hey, u there?
I stared at the blinking cursor in the reply box, debating my next move. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and forget the world. Finally, I let my fingers begin typing.
Cheerchick88: I’m here
ChrisRocknRollKing: u ok?
Cheerchick88: not really
ChrisRocknRollKing: I’m sorry
Cheerchick88: not your fault
ChrisRocknRollKing: I know. I just hate you’re having a rough day
‘Rough day’ was the understatement of the decade, but I couldn’t blame him. He had no idea.
Cheerchick88: Sorry about my mom last night.
ChrisRocknRollKing: I don’t blame her. She just doesn’t understand. She’s trying to protect you. I get that. I wish she would give me a chance. But it’s all good. I understand.
My eyes brimmed with tears. He was right. She didn’t understand. No one understood.
Cheerchick88: I wish things were different
ChrisRocknRollKing: Me too
Cheerchick88: Thanks for being there for me when I needed you
ChrisRocknRollKing: I will always be here for you when you need me
I needed him more than I was willing to admit to myself or anyone else. I needed someone to erase my pain. I needed the hurt from the day before to be eliminated by his—or anyone’s—reassuring hug. I wished I was younger again, when I was still small enough to climb into my mom’s lap. I missed that comforting feeling of being safe in my mom’s arms.
Cheerchick88: Thank you. I needed to hear that.
ChrisRocknRollKing: I mean every word
Cheerchick88: I appreciate it. I’m gonna go lay down. Not feeling well. Ttyl
ChrisRocknRollKing: Ok, hope u feel better soon.
Cheerchick88: me 2
I logged out and sat back in my chair. Covering my face with my hands, I sucked in a deep, staggering breath. I wasn’t sure I could face the world at school the next day. I wasn’t ready. The thought of coming face to face with Trevor nearly launched me into a full blown panic attack. I clambered for my bed—my safety net. Hiding beneath the blankets, I tried to make myself invisible. Curling up into a tiny ball, I cried myself to sleep, hoping I would wake up to a new reality instead of the horrific nightmare that had become my life.
My mom continued to check on me throughout the day, bringing me food and checking my head for fever. Lying to her, I told her I thought I might have a stomach virus. I guess it wasn’t technically lying; my stomach really was tied in knots over the impending school day. I didn’t log into instant messenger again the rest of the day. I just couldn’t bear the thought of having to pretend I was fine, when really I just wanted to disappear.
After hours of praying for a new day, the sun finally set, and I welcomed the glow of the starry “night sky” stickers of my ceiling. Memories of my friendship with Renae and our time of innocence, when we used to sit up all night eating ice cream and talking about kissing boys, crept into my mind. For once that day, I felt a fleeting smile cross my face.
The next morning, my clock radio alarm woke me up with the song My Immortal by Evanescence. I threw a pillow at it to try to shut it off. It was the last song I needed the radio deejay to play that morning. Unfortunately my pillow just knocked the radio off my bedside table onto the carpet below, but the song kept playing. The lyrics infiltrated my mind; lyrics about unyielding pain and haunted dreams crept their way into my soul and bubbled the ache of my own affliction to the surface. I just couldn’t face my demons that day. I curled myself up tighter under my blankets and prayed my mother wouldn’t notice my absence from the breakfast table.
Within minutes, the soft knock at the door told me my prayers didn’t work. “Kaitlyn, are you okay?”
“No, mom. I don’t think I’ll be able to make it to school today. Stomach bug kept me up all night,” I lied.
I had never skipped school before, so my mother would never suspect my lies. She opened the door and poked her head in. “All right, honey. I’ve got some errands to run today. I’m taking Grandma to the doctor. I hope you feel better. I’ll bring you some chicken soup for lunch.”
“Thanks, mom.”
My mother disappeared and I clutched my pillow to my chest. The pit of my stomach felt like it held a lead cannon ball that weighed me down, pressing me to the bed and suffocating me amongst the pillows and blankets. A few minutes later, mom reappeared with a package of plain white salted crackers and a glass of ginger ale. “I hope you can keep this down,” she said, laying the items on my desk. “Take little bites and small sips.”
“I will. Thank you,” I whispered.
“I love you, Kaitlyn. You know that?” She looked at me as if she wanted to say more, but refrained.
“I know, Mom. I love you too.” I cracked a tiny reassuring smile.
“Okay then. I’ll see you later.” She patted my head gently and walked out the door.
I nestled into my pillows. I knew I couldn’t sleep all day. Eventually I had to face reality, but just not that day. I grabbed my diary and wrote furiously until my hand ached, spilling into it my innermost secrets.
Oddly enough, I didn’t feel as sad as I thought I might. Instead, I was angry. I hated Trevor for what he did. I hated him more than I had hated anyone before. I was ashamed that I let him treat me like a prisoner until it was too late. He stole a sacred part of me, and instead of cowering like the willin
g victim I had let myself become over the last two years, it lit a burning rage in me I didn’t even know existed. His gruesome act only fueled my fury, and I knew I would no longer succumb to him or any other guy who treated me less than what I deserved.
By the afternoon, my mom had brought me the chicken soup, which I devoured. She was happy to see me feeling well enough to eat. She checked on me once again that afternoon to refill my ginger ale and was glad to see I’d taken a shower, gotten dressed, and had even applied some make-up. I told her I was feeling better, and to be honest, I really was. I knew I would never fully recover from the unspeakable act Trevor put me through, but I also knew a part of me felt more empowered than I ever had before. I was no longer going to be his victim. I was no longer going to allow myself to be a pawn in Trevor’s little game of manipulation. My hurt and anger spawned confidence that I wouldn’t have felt otherwise.
My curiosity got the best of me, and I logged into my instant messenger. Three messages popped up immediately. One message was from Allison. It simply read, ‘Where are you?’ I didn’t respond. I just couldn’t. I didn’t even know how I would face her the next day.
The second message was from Trevor. ‘Why are you not at school?’ Are you kidding me? What an asshole. I didn’t know who he thought he was, but I had words for him that had been reeling in my mind for two days. Fuck him!
The third message was from Chris. ‘I went to school today and searched for you but you weren’t there, so I skipped out. Are you okay?’
I looked, and he was online.
ChrisRocknRollKing: Thank god you just logged in. I was about one second away from driving to your house!
So Much It Hurts Page 12
