So Much It Hurts

by Dawn, Melanie

  I just wanted to turn the clock back a few years! I really needed this moment! What a dirty rotten trick for fate to play on me!

  “Kaitlyn, wait. Let’s start over. I’m sorry. I won’t put you in that position again. Just walk with me. Please.”

  I slowed my pace and considered his offer. What would it hurt? “Just a walk?” I asked.

  “Just a walk,” he confirmed.

  So, side by side we were strolling again on the sand down by the water.

  “I haven’t walked out here at night in ages,” Chris stated, trying to avoid the obvious tension between us.

  “Really?” I feigned interest. “Wow, if I lived here I’d be walking on the beach every night.”

  He shrugged. “I guess I’ve just been too busy.”

  “It’s so beautiful out here,” I said.

  “I guess when you live here you take the beauty for granted.”

  “Yeah...”

  The awkward conversation served as a pitiful mask for the emotions stirring in our hearts.

  “Kaitlyn, I’m sorry.” Chris stopped walking and looked earnestly at me. “I can’t do this. Being with you like this is harder than I thought it would be.”

  “Yeah, I get that feeling too.”

  “Maybe we should go back,” he sighed.

  “Yeah, maybe we should.”

  The walk back to the bar was the longest, most painful walk I have ever had to endure. The intense throbbing pain deep in my soul reminded me of the time I fell out of the tree and broke my collar bone when I was eleven years old. Back then, I had sprawled out on the ground moaning from the ache that pulsated across my chest and radiated down my arm. I had prayed I would never feel a hurt like that again.

  What happened to seizing the moment? What happened to no regrets?

  Either way, it didn’t matter. We had made our way back to the bar, and Chris had opened the door for me to step inside. Chris’s band was setting up on stage.

  “Looks like you’re up,” I said, hiding my anguish.

  “I guess so,” Chris said. “Thanks for the walk...and the chat.”

  “It was my pleasure,” I grinned at him playfully. My pathetic attempt at flirting did nothing to disguise my heartache.

  “So? How was it?” Shannon squealed when I plopped down into the booth with the rest of the girls.

  “It was good,” I replied, shrugging my shoulders.

  “Good? Just good?” Tori asked inquisitively, eyeing me suspiciously.

  “Yeah,” I said, glancing down at the trembling hands in my lap.

  “Aw, come on!” Lisa whined. “You’ve gotta give us more than that.”

  “Sorry, guys, there’s not much to tell,” I lied, averting my eyes to an invisible spot on the wall.

  “Well, did he try to kiss you?” Shannon inquired.

  I jerked my head back to the staring eyes around my table. “No!” I said emphatically. “He was a perfect gentleman.”

  “Awww!” they all sang in unison.

  Chris the rest of the members of Fifth Wheel stood on stage preparing to perform. Chris perched on a bar stool at the front of the stage. The spotlight shone down on him as the dark figures behind him disappeared into the blackness. He had his acoustic guitar poised on his lap for the first song.

  “Ladies and gentleman, I have a special song for you,” he began. “It’s a song that’s near and dear to my heart. I’ve not had a chance to play it yet, but tonight is the perfect opportunity. It means a lot to me to get to sing it for you tonight. I think you will like it, too.”

  His eyes scanned the crowd and landed on me.

  Shannon squeezed my arm. “I think he’s playing this song for you,” she whispered excitedly.

  He held my gaze with the same eyes that I remember staring at me that very first day I saw them by the gymnasium—those dark, penetrating eyes that searched my heart and unlocked my soul. He picked up his guitar and started to strum. I immediately recognized the first few chords of You and Me by Lifehouse. His heartfelt sincerity echoed through the microphone as he sang about never feeling more bewildered, nor more energized than he did at that moment. He crooned about not being able to speak the right words because his mind was completely addled. He sang about standing with me in the throngs of people and not being able to tear his eyes away from me. Every word, every verse, every note…all of it was meant for me.

  “Oh Shannon, what am I going to do?” I pleaded.

  Shannon responded with the ongoing joke we made during our car ride down there. “What happens at the beach stays at the beach.”

  “You don’t really mean that, do you?” I asked.

  “Not really,” she admitted, “but, I know you will walk away this weekend without any regrets.”

  “I sure hope so,” was all I could say.

  The rest of the evening I sat listening to the thumping music and the droning voices around me, while I nursed a beer and peeled its label. It seemed the girls understood my emotional dilemma and had left me alone to collect my thoughts while they made spectacles of themselves on the dance floor.

  A neatly folded napkin flew over my shoulder and onto the table. Curiously, I opened it and found a note written on it:

  I couldn’t help but smile. That jittery feeling returned. My heart started racing and I felt the adrenaline pumping through my body. The giddy grin stayed glued to my face the rest of the evening.

  “Hello?” I said as I brought the phone to my ear.

  Michael had called to check in again. “Hey, honey.” he said.

  “Oh, hey,” I said. The guilt churned my stomach.

  “How’s it going?” he asked.

  “Great. We’re having a lot of fun.”

  “That’s wonderful.”

  “How are things going at home?” I asked.

  “Well, don’t freak out, but Eli spilled cherry Kool-Aid on the quilt your great-grandmother made,” Michael admitted sheepishly.

  “What?” I cried. “Oh no. Michael! Why did you let him have Kool-Aid in the living room? You know how much that quilt means to me! I’ll probably never be able to get that stain out!”

  “Kaitlyn, I’m sorry. I had something I had to do for work. I was on the computer. I had no idea he had poured himself a cup.”

  “You weren’t watching him? You’re telling me you couldn’t go just one weekend without having to work? Honestly, Michael, just one weekend! That’s all I asked for! You can’t handle just one weekend?”

  “Of course I can handle one weekend. It’s just that something important came up and I had to get it done. Look, I’m doing the best I can. I’m sorry.”

  “Okay,” I huffed. “Just spray it with stain remover and I’ll see what I can do when I get home.”

  “One more thing,” he said hesitantly.

  “What?”

  “The electricity bill came. You must have forgotten to mail last month’s bill. We owe double this month.”

  I breathed a deep and audible sigh. “Good grief. I wish I had realized that last month. I don’t think I have enough budgeted to pay double this month.”

  “Don’t worry about it, we’ll figure it out when you get home. Try to enjoy the rest of your weekend. We’ll be fine.”

  “Okay, I’ll call you tomorrow before we head home.”

  “Goodnight, babe.”

  “Goodnight,” I said flatly.

  I hung up the phone feeling exasperated. On any other night, a stain on a quilt would not have sent me over the edge. But, my emotions were already running rampant, and I just couldn’t control them. No one tells you how difficult “playing house” is as an adult. You don’t comprehend the commitment you are making when you take your vows and bring a child into the world. One of the hardest parts of growing up is realizing that making changes in your life is not as easy as it once was when you could just say, ‘I don’t want to play this anymore,’ and walk away to do something else.

  As much as I had the urge to walk away at times, I cou
ld never do anything to hurt my family. I would never walk away from little Eli who is too young to understand what was happening. Michael was good to me. He worked hard to provide for us. He really was a good man, a great husband, and a wonderful father.

  However, if all of those things about Michael were true, then why did I have such an urge to visit Chris? Something in the back of my mind nagged, begged, and pleaded with me to go see him.

  I pulled the napkin out of my pocket and read Chris’s words one more time. I felt like I was standing at a crossroad, watching my head and my heart go to war with each other over what path to take.

  Which choice would incur the most regret: Doing something I’m not proud of or walking away, wishing I had done it anyway?

  “It’s okay if you do it,” Lisa spoke from behind me.

  “Do what?” I asked, startled.

  “Go see him. You will always regret it if you don’t.”

  “I’m afraid I’ll never forgive myself if I do.”

  “Kaitlyn, life only happens once. Maybe you need to see him for closure.”

  “You’re right,” I agreed as I stuffed the napkin back into my pocket. “Closure. Maybe that’s all I need.”

  “Then go,” Lisa urged quietly. “Just go.”

  My hand trembled as I knocked on the door. Chris opened it immediately as if he had been standing on the other side, waiting for me.

  “Kaitlyn,” he said. “I’m so glad you came.”

  “Do you live here?” I asked as I looked around the plain, cookie-cutter hotel room.

  “No,” he said sheepishly. “I just took a chance that you would come see me and I talked the manager into letting me have a condo overnight. I just wanted a place we could talk. Alone.”

  I stood uncomfortably in the doorway.

  “Come in. Sit down,” he said leading me toward the sofa. “Do you want anything to drink? I bought some sodas from the machine down the hall.”

  “No, thanks. Not yet.”

  “Okay.” He plopped down beside me on the couch.

  “So…” His voice trailed off.

  “So…” I repeated.

  The awkward silence was deafening.

  “Kaitlyn,” Chris said finally, “I’ve waited eight long years for this. Ring or no ring, I just had to see you tonight.”

  “Me too,” I agreed shyly.

  Chris turned to look at me. His knees brushed mine and it sent a shiver down my spine. Gently, he brushed a strand of hair away from my face and his thumb slid down my cheek sending fluttering sensations down the length of my chin. I took a staggering breath.

  “Wow, you’re as beautiful as ever,” he whispered.

  A nervous giggle escaped my mouth.

  “It’s true. I remember watching you from a distance. You were one of the most beautiful girls in that school, but you never let it get to your head. You were always so sweet to everyone, which made you even more beautiful in my eyes. Nothing has changed. You are just as amazing as I remember. I’ve had dreams about this moment.”

  “Me too.” They seemed to be the only two words my brain could remember.

  “I never felt as strongly about anyone as I felt with you. I dated a few girls here and there. But, no one came close to the feelings I had for you. I can’t explain it. You just completely overwhelmed me. You overwhelmed my thoughts—my dreams. It was like you were a magnet to my soul, and seeing you here tonight…it’s a dream come true.”

  Slowly, Chris leaned toward me. Sucking in my breath and holding it, this time I was certain not to flinch or push him away. No regrets, I reminded myself the moment his lips touched mine.

  Waves of excitement immediately pulsated through my body. His lips were as soft and supple as I had remembered. A gentle peck quickly turned into deep probing kisses. His thumbs softly caressed my cheeks as he gently cupped my face. My hands slowly made their way to the back of his head as I pulled him closer to me. Gingerly, Chris’s hands stroked down my back where he clutched me as though he never wanted to let go. Our lips moved in rhythm as our tongues delved for a deeper connection. My gut quivered with anticipation. With strong, capable hands, he carefully pulled me down on top of him as he leaned back against a pillow on the sofa. Straddling him, I continued to kiss him with a longing I had not felt in a long time. Chris quietly moaned with yearning while he pulled away from my kiss.

  “Kaitlyn,” he whispered breathlessly, with a deep and sultry voice.

  “Hmmm,” I responded with my eyes still closed, then opened them to see him staring intently at me.

  “The feeling I get when I am with you comes back to me again so easily after all this time.”

  “I know what you mean. I never imagined myself in this situation. Ever. I mean, when we walked away from each other that day I thought I’d never see you again. I have never had my heart broken, obliterated even, like I did that day. It took a long time to let you go, but even then you always seemed to creep up in my mind from time to time. It’s unbelievable how quickly the heart can remember. The chemistry we have is downright mind-blowing.”

  “We may never get this chance again. I’m not a fool to think this night will last forever. As much as I want to, I could never ask you to forsake your family and stay here with me. So, after tonight you will go back to your own life and I will go back to writing music, and our lives will once again take separate paths. Let’s make this night count. No regrets.”

  The fire of lust burned on my lips, craving more from him. I felt vulnerable as the warmth of his kiss, once again, radiated throughout my body. Slowly, I lifted my hands and cupped the back of his neck while my fingers gently tousled his soft black hair. He nibbled his way down to my neck. My body trembled at the touch of his lips on my delicate skin.

  Chris stopped kissing me and looked solemnly into my eyes. He spoke with pure honesty in his voice, “You are amazing. You never saw that quality about yourself, but I did. Besides my dad, you were the only person who made me want to make better choices in my life. Honestly, when I looked at you, I saw my future.”

  My breath caught in my throat as I felt the tiny fissure of my heart crack wide open at his admission. The intimacy of the moment stirred tears in me, and I couldn’t stop them from spilling out.

  Through my tears I managed to respond. “I wanted so badly for you to be a part of it, but life moved on after you left. Life shuffled me through each day. I eventually got married, and I have one of the most wonderful, beautiful children I could ever ask for. I’m so grateful for him. I really am happy with my life. I love my family with all my heart. I guess life comes with its share of heartaches, and you were just one of those for me. Over the years I have learned to accept that fact. But, not once, did I ever stop loving you—not for one second.”

  Utter confusion crossed Chris’s face; his eyes were wide with shock. “You loved me?”

  I nodded. “I couldn’t say it back then. I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t. I did love you, though. I fell for you so fast, it scared me. Also, knowing my situation with him, I was afraid. I was scared to admit just how much I loved you, but I did know. I knew when I drove away that night that I would never stop loving you.”

  He blinked back the tears threatening to overflow his eyes. Pulling me toward him, he kissed me gently on the forehead. His voice thick with overwhelming emotion, he whispered, “You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear those words from you.”

  He softly caressed my skin with his thumbs as he held my face in his hands, wiping the tears as they slid down my cheeks. With a tenderness I had not felt in quite some time, he gently touched his lips to mine. The salty taste of tears slid down my throat. My body ignited with a sweet passion that reminded me of the innocent love we had for each other nearly eight and a half years ago. Softly, yet with lustful intensity, his lips pressed against mine and kissed me with wanton hunger. A delicious slip of his tongue into my mouth tantalized my taste buds with a hint of his minty flavor. The rhythmic movement of his tongu
e in my mouth triggered a flittering response that rippled its way down my body. My heart fluttered in my chest, and my stomach quaked with burning desire.

  Swiftly, he stood up from the couch and lifted me into his arms. Carrying me into the bedroom, he gently laid me on the bed. He pulled a lighter from his pocket and quickly lit the candles on the nightstand. I watched lustfully as he pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the floor. Strong muscles deeply defined their shape on his rippled stomach. His tanned skin glistened in the candlelight. His biceps flexed as he reached out to slowly unbutton my shirt. I trembled nervously. Is this really happening? Should I let this be happening?

  Tossing my shirt to the floor, he whispered breathlessly, “I want you, Kaitlyn. I want you like my lungs need air.”

  Crawling onto the bed and lying beside me, he gently ran his lips across my shoulders. His hands caressed the skin on my back and I shivered with excitement. Holding me close, his bare, perfectly formed chest touched mine. The heat of his skin stirred my senses and exhilarated me. He pulled my pants off me and tossed them carelessly to the floor with the rest of his clothes. “Are you okay?” he asked, concerned, trailing his fingers over the delicate skin around my navel.

  “Yes,” I purred, searching his dark irises that swirled with longing and passion for me.

  “Good,” he winked. “Now get over here.” He pulled my body closer to him. Propping himself up beside me on one elbow, his fingers lightly traced my skin from my stomach all the way up the length of my body to my face. Gently brushing my hair away from my forehead and caressing the skin on my cheek with the edge of his thumb, he said, “I can’t tell you how amazing this weekend has been. Seeing you here has messed with my head. God, what I would give for you to stay here with me. You’re the only woman I’ve ever truly loved. I can’t explain it, Kaitlyn. I don’t even understand it myself. All I know is that I loved you then, and seeing you here this weekend has fucked me up inside.” He teased my skin with the tantalizing circular motions of his fingers, which drove me crazy with desire. “And now, you’re here with me in this bed, and I’m touching you like this. You have no idea what it’s doing to me.”