by Brenda Ford
But actually, my favorite memory from tonight is the kiss. My first kiss with Rachel. I can still feel it now, the electricity that circled between us as we kissed passionately. The emotions and desire I felt from her. That’s something I will never be able to forget no matter what happens. It was everything to me.
It’s the kiss that I think of as I explode deep inside of her, filling her with my seed. The kiss, the feelings, the life changing time that I have had with her tonight. I don’t know what will come next. Anything is possible, but I do know that nothing in my life will ever be the same again. She has changed me irrevocably…
“Huh, what?” A horrible bleeping sound wakes me from the most amazing dream ever. “What’s that?”
It takes me a couple of seconds to calm down the buzzing in my brain and the racing in my heart to realize that it’s my alarm ringing out and I have really been asleep. Rachel isn’t here. She never was. Now, I can recall it all. I left her behind in the alley way and I ran like a coward because the kiss was so wrong.
“Shit.” My head falls into my hands as I realize what an idiot I have been. I’ve hurt two people without meaning to. Mandy, for sure. I hurt her once by looking at her phone without permission and jumping to conclusions when it came to that message from her friend, and two by kissing Rachel…
“Fucking hell, Rachel.” She’s such a nice person. I really don’t want to upset her. She’s sweet and funny, kind too. An awesome girl in the ban with my brother. I like her a lot… but I shouldn’t have kissed her, no matter what. There’s no way that I should have allowed the mood to take me. People just don’t do that.
I’m a cheat, I tell myself, the seriousness of the words crushing down on me. I have cheated on the woman that I love. There is no excuse for that. Never ever. Even that we’re in a bad place right now. I shouldn’t have kissed anyone else. I don’t know what came over me. I’m not that person at all. I’m a horrible person.
I swing my legs around the side of the bed and push myself upwards, trying to shove any thoughts of Rachel and the really intense sex dream I just experienced from my mind. I can’t think about anything to do with another woman. I need to work out what I’m going to do about Mandy. She’s the one I should be focused on, the one who needs to be my priority. I guess if I’m going to do the right thing and tell my girlfriend.
My chest gets tight at the mere thought of telling Mandy about what I have done. She is going to be destroyed. She will tear me apart. I don’t know how I’m going to come back from it. I mean, what if that one moment of madness, that one kiss destroys something that I have had for years. A relationship and love that means so much to me. I can barely stand the thought of losing her, she’s just been a part of me for far too long.
“What are you going to say?” I ask myself as I walk in to the kitchen to get myself a coffee to wake myself up. “How the fuck are you going to make sure that Mandy doesn’t kill you?”
The guilt is almost overwhelming. It’s unbearable. I can’t hack it. It’s leaving me breathless and aching all over. The hang over doesn’t help. I probably should have steadied myself and only had a couple. I’m not the best when it comes to drinking at the best of times. Last night was definitely not the best of times.
“Urgh, I’m an asshole. An utter asshole. I don’t know how I’m going to live through this.”
I pick my cell phone up a couple of times, trying to work out if I’m ready to call her yet, but I keep putting it back down again, unable to form even a scrap of bravery. I feel a bit sick to my stomach…
Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
At first, I think it must be in my imagination, but it quickly becomes clear that my cell phone is actually ringing. I panic, assuming that it’s Mandy and I’m going to be forced to confess even though I’m not ready yet… but it isn’t. It’s Wesley’s name on my screen which floods me with relief.
“Hello?” I answer curiously. “Everything okay, Wesley.”
“Not really.” His tone is curt and a little gruff. “I have found something out.”
“What are you talking about? What have you found out?”
“It’s about Mandy.” Those words make my blood run cold. “I did some research on your behalf. I know that you didn’t ask me too, but I’m worried for you, so I took the initiative.”
“What did you do?” I demand. “I don’t understand why you would do this, Wesley. This isn’t what you’re supposed to use your technology skills for. You’re supposed to… I don’t know. Not this.”
“I love you, Angelo. Of course, I am going to help you if I can. Whatever way I can.”
I rake my fingers angrily through my hair and say nothing. I don’t know what I can say to be honest. My brain is completely empty, I don’t have any words to this at all. It’s all too much on top of everything else.
“Well, Angelo, I wouldn’t be calling you if my research didn’t come up with anything. I would have just kept it from you. But I did find something out. I don’t like to tell you this, but she is with someone else. She has been for a long time. I don’t have any names for you, or anything like that, but your suspicions have been right all along. There has been someone else in her life. And not just for the last six months, but for a very long time.”
I have no words to that, it feels horrible. It’s like confirmation of the terror that I have been trying to ignore is correct… but then since I have slipped up and made a mistake as well, I guess I can see that. Yet, there is also the fact that Wesley hasn’t ever been that keen on Mandy. He hasn’t ever been out right rude to her, but to me it’s always been obvious that something isn’t quite right. He could be using this as an excuse…
“I don’t want to hear it,” I spit out in temper, taking my anger out on the wrong person. “I didn’t ask you to look into anything for me and I don’t want to deal with what you think you know, what you think you saw. Just keep out of my business, okay? I don’t need anyone’s help with this.”
I hang up, panting and desperate, right now hating the world. How messy can things get?
Chapter 11 – Rachel
I would love to get my head in the game today, it would be amazing for me to just be able to focus on what’s happening around me. This is one of the most important band practices ever because we have a lot of gigs coming up and Gary is determined that we all really need to rehearse our new songs to death. I want to be here in the room with both of them but all I can really think about is Angelo and that kiss.
“What is going on with you two today?” Gary snaps again. “Neither of you are doing your best.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry.” I shake my head, knowing that it’s me fucking everything up. The beat of the drums is what starts everything, and I can’t seem to make it work out. “I just need a moment. To gather my breath.”
I drop my drum sticks down and head towards the door. I really need to get the hell away from everyone and to take some deep breaths as well. Getting outside to get some fresh air is the best place for me…
“Rachel…” I’m not alone. I hear Alex coming after me. “It isn’t just you. Please don’t blame yourself.”
I spin around to see his desperate expression. Maybe he is messing up just as badly as me. “What’s going on with you?” I snap. “Why are you messing up today as well?”
“I just…” He hangs his head low and stuffs his hands into his pocket. I can’t remember the last time he looked so humble and sad. “I just can’t focus when my whole life is such a mess.”
I snort. “Huh, yeah, I know that feeling far too well. My life is in a fucking state.”
“What’s going on?” As soon as he asks this, I realize my mistake. I shouldn’t have said anything because this is the one person I can’t explain what’s going on to. Me and Alex might be friends, but his bond with his twin brother is going to be stronger than that. I will be the bad guy in this… I am the bad guy in this.
“I… it’s just a mess, that’s all. My love life is… complicate
d.”
He laughs, but without any mirth. “Well, if anyone can understand that, it’s me.”
I can’t help it, a rage burst through me. He is a part of my issue without even realizing it. If he could just take Mandy for good then all of my problems would be solved… well, maybe not but close enough. Alex and Angelo’s life would never be the same again, but I wouldn’t have her in my path anymore. I think that me and Angelo should be together, we should at least be allowed to give it a try, to see what we could be.
“So, what is going on with your love life?” I demand. “Things still going on with you know who?”
He gives me a little look before he shrugs. “Honestly, Rachel. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. Every time I take a step back from my feelings and I really look at this situation, I know what a mess I have made of things. There’s no good way out of this. I am going to lose everything. Not just Angelo, but all my brothers. There isn’t a chance in hell that anyone can be on my side after this. I wouldn’t be able to be on my side either… but there is just something about Mandy. I can’t stop myself from wanting her. I’m in love with her. So much in love with her that I would risk everything.”
“Even your family?” I’m too bitter to be caring right now. “Is she really worth that? I don’t see how anyone can be worth risking everything for? She’s just a person, isn’t she? There are plenty of others out there.”
Even as I say those words, they sound hollow. I can’t mean them, can I? When I can’t move on from someone I can’t have. Really, I’m no better than Alex. I kissed Angelo knowing that he has a girlfriend. Even if things are complicated, he is still involved enough with her. I knew that and I went for it anyway. I would have gone further as well; I just know it. if Angelo had wanted to, then I would have slept with him.
I can now understand Alex in a way that I never did before and in a way that I didn’t want to. The last few days since that kiss have been torture. I don’t know what to do with myself. How has Alex been carrying on this way for such a long time? It’s insane. If I’m struggling already, then all I can say is it must be true love from him.
Is it from Mandy though? Are they a tortured love story? But if she did love him then why not just break up with Angelo and be with Alex properly? Sure, it would cause issues for a while but the longer she leaves it the worse it is. The harder it’s going to be. The harder it is now! Why not just cut them both lose?
Oh, I don’t know. I don’t understand any of this and how to make it better. Maybe it can’t work. It might be just a pressure cooker waiting to explode at any given moment, leaving all of us hurt. It’s the sort of messy situation that would end up like that… and I don’t suppose there is anything I can do to stop it now. The wheels of pain are in motion. It’s just a case of waiting for us all to end up with nothing.
“I’m going back in,” Alex finally says with a sigh. “I need to talk to Gary and calm him down. Plus, that will give you some time to get your head in order. Try and be back soon though.”
I nod gratefully and wait for him to go. Once he’s inside and I’m finally on my own like I wanted, I try to decide what I can do to make it all okay again. I really don’t know. Without speaking to Angelo, I don’t know how to proceed. Without knowing what he is thinking, where his head is at, there isn’t anything I can do.
I pull my cell phone out of my pocket and consider just calling him. He will be at work at this time of day and definitely not with Mandy, so it could be a good time to just ask him how he’s feeling.
I mean, after what happened, he shouldn’t be with Mandy anyway. He should have broken up with her, but I don’t know if that’s the truth. He did run off and he was clearly upset and going to her then, but it might have been to tell her that he doesn’t want to be with her anymore… who knows.
But before I can even think about actually calling him – an idea kicks my brain that chills me to the bone and destroys me – I click on to his social media account. I’m just looking for some sort of sign that it’s okay to speak to him. That he isn’t with this woman who makes him miserable anymore so I can have some hope…
“Oh my God,” I whisper desperately as I see a selection of new photographs from last night. Angelo and Mandy, looking more loved up than ever. Looking like their relationship is the most solid it has ever been. Staring in to one another’s eyes, kissing each other, enjoying one another. Like kissing me has just reminded Angelo of how much he has feelings for his girlfriend and not me. It has had the opposite effect on both of us. “Fuck.”
Tears roll rapidly down my cheeks, staining my face all over. I don’t think I will ever be able to go back in to that room to rehearse now. Now that I know there is no chance. With my fantasies over Angelo, there has always been that tiny smidgen of hope that we could maybe one day realize that we’re meant to be together and make it happen, but now we’ve had that chance and he has turned it down. He has gone back to her.
“Fucking hell, Rachel,” I hiss at myself as I angrily brush some tears away. “You are an idiot.”
I have told myself this before, a number of times actually, but this time I mean it for real. There is no coming back from this now. I absolutely need to move on. I can’t pine over this man forever. It’s time for me to get a life and to look out for me. And if that means making the most of this double date that Sheri is trying to arrange for me and Luke’s friend, to see if there is someone else who will be a better fit for me, then so be it.
“I’ll call her,” I tell myself, doing anything to make me feel better now. “Sheri will help.”
As the phone rings, I pace up and down, blinking ferociously to get rid of the tears. That’s what’s annoying to me right now, the fact that I’m so stupidly upset. I really am still feeling everything too much.
“Hey, Rachel, is everything okay? What are you doing calling me in the middle of the day?”
“Oh sorry, I didn’t think. I didn’t mean to interrupt you while you’re at work. I’ll call you later.”
“No, no, don’t worry about that,” she reassures me. “Just tell me what’s going on, so I don’t panic.”
This is the moment where I could really tell her everything about me and Angelo so she can help me. I almost do it as well. I feel the words resting on the tip of my tongue, wanting to get out, but I force them back and swallow them down. I just can’t stand the idea of her being endlessly disappointed in me.
“I was just thinking about our double date, that’s all. I’m really nervous about it.”
“Oh, I knew you would be,” Sheri coos much more sympathetically this time. “But that’s why it’s better for it to be a double date. Because me and Luke will be there with you, helping you out the whole time. We can steer the conversation if needs be and make sure it doesn’t get awkward.”
I have a funny feeling that they won’t be able to peel themselves off one another for long enough to help, like she was the other night. But I don’t bother saying that because I just so desperately need her help now.
“Thanks, Sheri. I do feel better knowing that you will be there with me.”
“You should wear that black dress you had on in the bar the other night.”
I gulp and shake my head hard. There is no way that I can wear that dress with another man since it holds all the memories of Angelo within it. “I don’t know about that. It’s a bit revealing for a first date.”
“No! It looks amazing. You should. It’ll be great.”
I see Gary coming towards me, losing patience with my break now, so it’s time for me to go. That’s probably a good thing because I need to stop this conversation before, I end up saying something stupid.
“Yeah, maybe I will. I’ll have a think about it. But I will speak to you before the date and let you know what I’m going to wear. Maybe the dress, maybe something a little more suited to a first date!”
I hang up the phone quickly and wave to Gray with what I h
ope is a reassuring smile. I don’t want him to worry anymore because I’m utterly determined now to throw myself hundred percent into the band and give everything I have to the music.
Chapter 12 – Angelo
“Who is that calling you?” Mandy snaps at me. “Your phone has been ringing for ages. I’m actually trying to watch this movie, you know. Can’t you just answer it or shut it off or something like that?”
I’m not picking up because it’s Wesley. The fact that I’m here with Mandy tells me everything. I have decided to pick her. To ignore my brother’s needless warnings, any signs that may or may not be accurate, or anything that I might have done, and to be with Mandy. Maybe something did happen, she might have made a mistake. But I did the same as well. I have created errors that I didn’t mean to. We’re all human and these things just happen. That doesn’t mean we can’t forgive each other and move forward.
Mandy doesn’t have to talk to me about any errors just as I don’t have to speak to her about Rachel. It will just hurt ourselves for no reason. No, communication isn’t worth it. What we need to do is push it under the carpet and forget all about it. I’m happy with that decision. It means I get to keep my girlfriend.
“I’ll turn it off,” I reply in a gravelly tone. “Sorry, I didn’t realize that it was bothering you so much.”
As I lean forwards towards to table and grab my phone, I see that Mandy’s phone keeps lighting up a million times, all with the letter A starting it. This Amber – if that’s who she really is – is desperate to get hold of Mandy. But unlike the other night, she is ignoring it. She has no intention of speaking to them. That has to be a good sign. She is over the mistake, she is moving on with me, and I am willing to do the same.
