by Brenda Ford
“Who is it anyway?” Mandy continues. “Someone so desperate to speak with you.”
That’s ironic, not only because her phone is lit up like a damn Christmas tree but because of her privacy rules, but since I’m doing everything that I can to get over what’s happened and move on, I will forget it.
“Just Wesley. I can call him back later; it really isn’t an issue. I want to watch the movie too.”
I lean back and sling my arm around Mandy, causing her to snuggle against me. This is a position that we have been sitting in for a long time now, we have spent years here, there is something warm and comforting about the familiar sensation. I relax into it, glad of my decision. My brother will come around again. He’ll be happy for me and Mandy in the end. It might not be until our wedding day, but so be it…
Hmm, I wonder if I should bring up marriage. I know that Mandy is funny about us living together, but marriage might be something else. It might be the gate way. The idea of a big white wedding might excite Mandy and get us moving in the right direction. We can really get our future together and live the happily ever after. Finally moving in with one another, being husband and wife, having children…
I slowly move away from Mandy as a cold feeling overcomes me. That doesn’t feel right. The idea of being with Mandy for the rest of my life doesn’t give me the same sense of satisfaction that it once did. I’m not sure that I like it so much at all and I don’t know why. Perhaps I’m just not quite as over this as I thought I was.
“You okay?” Mandy asks with a smile on her face. “You seem on the edge. You need anything?”
The fact that she’s being nice and not on the edge, trying to start an argument with me, makes it much harder to decide where my head is at. When I came over here, I thought I knew what I wanted. I have assumed that I know what I want for the last few days. But now, I’m all over the place once more.
That’s a place I have been for far too long. All over the place. Ever since I first got that message. I wish that Mandy hadn’t deleted it so I could have spoken to the sender. It still annoys me I didn’t do that first.
“I just need a drink.” I rise to my feet and stagger towards the kitchen. “I need water.”
Mandy doesn’t follow me, which gives me the chance to drink in peace and also to splash some water on my face. I need to cool everything down and to sort myself out. I can’t stay here and make things right with the woman that I love when I’m feeling like this. And I am in love with Mandy… aren’t I? I have to be.
“But what if I’m not anymore?” I whisper desperately to myself. “What if that love has gone?”
I try to think back to when I last truly felt secure and in love with Mandy, like I used to in the beginning. I want to start pin pointing the moment it slipped away. But I can’t, and that’s the saddest thing. I don’t know when I stopped feeling the way that I have done for Mandy. It seems to have just slipped away.
Does that even happen? Can you just fall out of love? Has that really happened to me? I never ever suspected that I would be the sort of man to move on from Mandy. Even when people said that we were too young really to end up in a happy ever after situation. That she would be my first love but not my wife. I naively thought that I knew better. But now, I’m not so sure. Now, I don’t know what I think anymore.
“Come back,” Mandy calls from the other room. “The movie is about to get good now.”
I don’t care, I think desperately. I don’t care about any of this anymore. I just want to go out.
“I… I think I’m sick,” I spit back. “I think I might need to go home.”
“Huh? I can’t hear you. Come in here already, will you? I want to watch this with you.”
I make my way in to the front room once more, actually feeling a little ill with all of this now. I’m dizzy as hell and barely able to remain upright. I need to get out of here before I lose my damn mind.
“I don’t feel good, Mandy. I need to go home,” I rasp out. “I don’t want to make you sick too.”
“You don’t look sick,” She narrows her eyes suspiciously at me. “What’s going on?”
I shrug and dart my eyes away from hers, unable to stand the scrutinizing stare. “I don’t know, I’ve been feeling a little off all night long and it’s just hit me badly. I should go.”
“Is it the phone calls?” All of a sudden, she jumps up and flings her hands to her hips. “That wasn’t Wesley, was it? It was someone else. Another woman. And now you’re going to meet her.”
“What?” I exclaim in shock. “What the hell are you talking about?”
There’s a little very anxious part of me that worries she knows about the kiss with Rachel. As far as I’m aware, it’s only me and Rachel that know about it. No one saw us, I haven’t told anyone, and I don’t think she will either. I might have even been just been a drunken mistake to her that she wants to forget. She can’t know.
But judging by the way that Mandy’s eyes are flaring at me, it chills me to the bone.
“Angelo, you accused me of cheating on you. You have done for a long time now. Is that because you feel guilty because you have been cheating on me, huh? Is that what all of this is about? Because I really can’t figure you out at the moment. You’re up and down. All over the place. I’m struggling to speak to you.”
Is she joking? I don’t know what the hell to say to this. I’ve been trying my hardest to be open and honest, to have something of a communication with us. If not about what we’ve done, but about us, yet she hasn’t wanted that at all. Now, she’s saying that I am the one who hasn’t been speaking.
“Mandy, I don’t know what you mean. I think I have been fine speaking to you.”
“No way. Your moods are all over the place. I can’t work you out.”
I open and close my mouth a couple of times, trying to find the right words to say, but there is nothing in the world that I can think of right now. All the confusion and fear I have been feeling is intensified. Now, I’m not just all over the place, but I’m a damn puddle on the ground unable to do anything.
“Fucking hell, Angelo, are you cheating on me or not? Huh? Because I’m getting fed up here.”
“Am I cheating on you?” This is almost a joke. I have been through six months of hell. “Am I cheating on you? Mandy, I think that you might be the one with guilt, not me. Well, all I know there was a picture…”
“Urgh, that picture.” Mandy rolls her eyes hard. “I’m sick of hearing about that damn picture. Are you joking me right now? That was so damn long ago, and we dealt with it at the time. It’s over now.”
“It isn’t though. Not really. Not for me.” Wow, it feels kinda nice to be honest, even if it will spell the end of us. “I haven’t ever gotten over it and I think that must be because we didn’t deal with it. Not really. We can’t say that we did because all that happened was you denying it then deleting the picture.”
“You wanted to keep the picture?” she sneers. “Why would you need that? It wasn’t me in it.”
“I don’t know that, do I? You never gave me a chance to find out.”
We stare at once another in silence, the air thick with tension around us, everything shifting and changing. This is the woman that I am supposed to love, that I should end up with, but it isn’t working out that way at all. I’m growing increasingly distant to her by the moment. I honestly don’t know if I can stand in the same room as her anymore. Me and her aren’t where we used to be, who we used to be. It’s awful.
“I need to go,” I announce, taking a brave step that I haven’t ever been able to do before. She’s always been the one to walk out on me and to push me away. I’m never the one to do the same. But this time, I need to. I can’t be in this situation for another second longer. It isn’t right for me at all. “I have to leave, Mandy.”
“Don’t you fuck dare.” He nostrils flare along with her temper. “Don’t you walk out on me now while we’re in the middle of having this discussion or we are
done here. You hear me? You go now and I will assume that you are cheating on me. That way, I will be finished instantly.”
She’s unbelievable. For doing something that she always does, she will judge me for something that I’m pretty sure she is doing. I don’t know what to say to that. So, with a shake of my head, I walk away from her just like I had planned to do. I head towards the door, ignoring the screams of anger coming from her. Mandy has stepped over the line now, she’s pushed me too far, and I need some space. I need to just be by myself for a while and work out what way I’m going to go next.
Chapter 13 – Rachel
“This is a nice bar,” Tom says to me with a giant smile. “This is where Sheri met Luke?”
I nod and point towards the bar stools. “Yes, this is where they met. And that’s where they spent the entire night kissing and making everyone feel awkward. A bit like they are doing right now.”
Much to my annoyance, my prediction has come true. Sheri and Luke can’t keep their hands off of one another. Their offer to help has fallen to the way side and now they are wrapped up in one another once more. I don’t even know if they are aware of us still in the room. It’s utterly humiliating to deal with.
Luckily, Tom is a nice guy. If he was awful, I wouldn’t be able to be here anymore, but he’s nice. However, nice is all that he is. I can have a decent conversation with him, but he doesn’t create even a speck of sparks inside of me. Knowing the chemistry between me and Angelo and how wonderful that can feel, not having it is really noticeable. There just isn’t that feeling between us that I know can lead to something else.
“Well it’s bad enough for us to sit watching them together,” Tom continues. “How did you cope?”
Because I was with Angelo, I think sadly, my heart thumping in my chest. He made it all okay.
Then he took me home and we kissed. Now, if I touch my lips, I can still feel that delicious kiss now. The tingling, the butterflies, the warmth that came from his body pressed against mine.
“I didn’t stay long,” I reply thinly. “So, I guess I didn’t cope with it that well.”
As soon as Sheri mentioned that we were coming here again, I got a bad feeling about it. I didn’t think that it was a good idea to come back to where I have all of these memories with Angelo, but I could express my dislike with the idea without expressing why. So, here I am, suffering everything that I thought and feared.
“I can’t believe you are in Blood Red Masters,” Tom continues. “What is that like? It must be so exciting.”
People always assume that about the rock and roll life style, and in a way, they are right but in another it isn’t all that. It can be just like any other job in some respects. There are good points and bad points. Positives and negatives. It is great for me to have my passion as my career, but I don’t want it to be all I talk about.
“It’s good. I do like it. But I bet it isn’t much different to you working in finance. You know, if that’s what you love. And you were saying before that you always did well in math in high school.”
“Hmm, I am passionate about it, but I wouldn’t call it exciting,” he laughs. “It’s just right for me.”
“Then yes, I guess that music is the same. Just right for me.”
“Have you written any songs? Or do you play what the other’s write?”
Hmm, it seems that I am going to be spending all night talking about the band then. “A bit of both. Usually, we all work together on songs so it’s a bit of a joint effort. The best way for us.”
“Right, I see.” Tom’s eyes light up in an unusual way. I can’t help but wonder if he’s having some kind of fantasy about being with the girl in the band. I never want to be that piece of meat to anyone, especially when there isn’t really anything there for us to work on. “And what’s it like being on tour?”
“I like playing live music, but I also enjoy being at home, so it has its own perks…”
I notice out from the corner of my eyes that Sheri and Luke have pulled apart. But unfortunately, it’s only for long enough to check that me and Tom are doing well without them. The moment they spot us having a conversation and they determine that we don’t need them anymore, they return to kissing all over again.
Urgh, this is getting frustrating now. This isn’t what I got all dressed up for tonight. To make a new friend. That isn’t going to help me get over Angelo, is it? I need fire, I need spark, I need passion. All of it. I resist the urge to roll my eyes because Tom doesn’t need my rudeness. He isn’t a bad person, just not the one for me.
“I bet it’s wonderful to watch you playing live. I would love it.” Tom leans his face on his hands and smiles in to the air, not really looking at me at all. I’m no longer a real person to him, just a fantasy. A thrilling way to dive head first in to a life completely different from his own. Well, that isn’t going to happen with me, I can tell him that much! “I would love it. You’ll have to tell me when you’re next playing.”
I nod slowly, as if this is something that I’m actually going to do. “Hmm, sure.”
“I could tell everyone that I’m with that hot girl up there. The drummer. God, the guys from work wouldn’t know what to think of that at all. They assume that I’m a square which I don’t have to be…”
“Okay.” This is getting too much for me now. I can’t sit around and listen to this any longer. It’s making me feel sick. Not because I blame him but because it’s simply reminding me that I’m not ever going to find love. My one chance has long gone. “I just need to pop outside for a moment. To have a cigarette.”
I don’t even know why that line flew out of my mouth. It’s a lie since I don’t even smoke, but it’s an excuse that I need to roll with now. I shuffle outside, glad that it has at least brought me some time. Time to think, time to breathe, time to work out what’s going to happen next. Obviously, I need to find a nice way to end this date with Tom without affecting anyone. I don’t want him to be upset for the loss of the real me, and I don’t want to upset Sheri and Luke either. Perhaps a double date wasn’t the best idea after all…
“Rachel?” A voice shakes through me, ruining my moment alone in the fresh air. “Is that you?”
No. I decide for a moment that I really am going mad. No, no, no. There is just no way.
Angelo can’t be here now, again, just as I’m trying to move on. He can’t. It isn’t fair. That man kissed me and went back to Mandy. He picked her over me but won’t leave me alone for long enough to get over him myself. Why does he have to torture me so much? Why can’t I just recover already?
“Angelo?” But as my eyes drag up, and I fix them on to the speaker, I can see that it is him. The man that I want to avoid. Annoyingly, my heart starts racing at the speed of light and if feel everything for him. All that I want to experience with Tom but can’t. All that I don’t want to feel for another woman’s boyfriend. “What… erm, what are you doing here? Why aren’t you…?” I don’t finish that sentence; I don’t know where I’m going with it. I have no idea where he should be, so I don’t say anything at all. “I mean, I…”
“I was going to come in for a drink.” He stares at the bar. “Somehow, I ended up here again.”
“Hmm, me too.” I don’t think I should tell him why I’m here. It feels too weird to do so. Not that he would have any reason to be annoyed about it since he’s been back with Mandy ever since our kiss. Maybe I should tell him, so he knows how it feels to be rejected and looked over. “But I will probably go now. So, you don’t need to worry about me being in there while you have a drink or whatever.”
He gives me a strange look as if he can’t understand why me and him shouldn’t be in the same bar… which hurts me more. That just means he doesn’t care at all. It meant nothing to him. He hasn’t been torturing himself over me and that kiss like I have. It just makes me feel incredibly ill and stupid.
“Why won’t you be in there?” he asks me quietly. “I don’t want to be in there without you.”
>
Uh oh, those words chill me to the bone. They should make me feel good, but they don’t. Not when it’s all so complicated. “You didn’t come here looking for me, did you, Angelo?”
I don’t even know why I ask this; I really don’t know the answer. Especially when he starts looking at me with a familiar glint in his eyes. One that I know can only lead to danger. My pulse speeds up, my stomach begins to churn with a nervous excitement that I can’t calm down however hard I try. This really isn’t good. If I had any sense inside of myself, then I would make my excuses and head back inside, or at least go home. I wouldn’t remain here standing in front of the predator just waiting to be devoured by him.
But it seems there is no sense in me, so here I stay. My eyes lock with his, I become completely embroiled in his gaze. As we stare at one another, I feel all those feelings flooding me once more. I need to pull away, to ensure that we don’t end up making more mistakes since I know I can only get hurt more, but I’m stuck.
“What are we doing?” I whisper, my eyes flickering all over his face. “This is bad. It’s crazy.”
He doesn’t answer me. Instead, I sense his hands snaking around my waist again, tugging me closer to him. The magnetic pull is unavoidable. I can’t do anything about it as the intoxicating sensation takes claim of me. I fall against him, leaning in to him and pressing myself against him. That warmth in his body radiates through me and makes me feel safe and loved all over again. A sensation that I know is all wrong.
His nose brushes against mine and I tingle all over. Before I can contain the situation, my lips purse out wards towards him, calling him, coxing him towards me, which he goes with willingly. His mouth means mine and we begin kissing frantically like we were before. Almost more desperate than before because we both know how dangerous this is. My fingers claw at him, like I’m trying to undress him because I need everything this time.
As me and Angelo kiss with more passion than I have ever felt before, the rest of the world melts away in to nothingness. The date that I’m supposed to be on vanishes into thin air, Sheri and her negative opinions about this situation go, the fact that we’re out in public means nothing anymore. It’s just me and him. How I want it to be. This is how I would love the rest of my life with this wonderful, incredible man.
