by Brenda Ford
I glare upwards, staring daggers right through him. I’m only here because I have to be. I certainly don’t want to be dealing with my personal problems here. That’s for out of the work place, always. Brad should know that.
“I really just don’t want to talk, Brad. I’m not in the mood for it. I would rather focus.”
“Please, Angelo. This is the first chance I have had to talk to you since I found everything out. Oliver said you went straight to Rachel’s after the police station, so I assumed you didn’t want to be disturbed there…”
“No, and I don’t want to be disturbed here either. I’m here to get my work done.”
I dart my eye downwards, back to the paper work that I’m currently filling in, but my vision has become bleary. Having Brad here trying to make me confront things is really challenging for me to digest. It’s bringing up all the millions of emotions that I have been doing my best to shove right down.
“Angelo, you’re hurting. Of course, you are. Please, talk to me about it.”
“I don’t have anything to say. I don’t know what to say. I’m just so shocked by all of it.”
“We all are, believe me,” Brad shoots back wryly. “No one expected this to happen. I never would have thought that Alex was capable of betraying anyone. He’s always been so loyal before.”
Shit, is that a tear? It fucking better not be! I brush my finger over the wetness underneath my eye in frustration.
“Well, I certainly wouldn’t have thought it from any of my brothers. Least of all my twin! He’s supposed to be the closest person to me. He shouldn’t ever do what he did. And Oliver was defending him!”
“I don’t think Oliver agrees with Alex at all,” Brad jumps in right away. “I think he just wants you to understand that there might be two sides to the story. You will eventually need to see Alex’s side.”
“Why?” I bang my hands down on my desk angrily. “Why do I need to see Alex’s side?”
“Because he’s your brother, that’s why, and you can’t severe a family tie like that.”
“I won’t be the one severing it. He did that the first time he went anywhere near Mandy. And don’t worry, I have already heard his excuse. That he loves her. He loves her so much he doesn’t give a shit about harming me. He must love that bitch so much he doesn’t care that she was supposed to be my girlfriend. That I loved her too. I mean, what sort of excuse is that? Would you accept it? I already know that you wouldn’t.”
Brad refuses to meet my eye which gives me a better sense of satisfaction. He agrees with me and he’s just too afraid to say it. But I don’t think that he should be scared, he should be so fiercely on my side that nothing else matters. He should be in here cursing out Alex for his seriously shitty behavior.
“The best thing that you can do is come home,” Brad finally tells me. “Come back with me and we can all get together. All the brothers so we can have a family discussion. Talk this all out.”
“What’s the point? I’m never going to forgive this. I can’t get over it. There isn’t anything to say.”
“You can’t just turn your back like that. We need to discuss it. Communication is important…”
“Yes, it is. When there can be a resolution, but there can’t be any here. There is no end to this.”
Brad leans back in the chair where he has sat opposite me, and stares at me to try and see how serious I am. Well, let him sit there and work it out because he’s soon going to realize that I am deadly serious. I mean this more than anything I have ever said before. I have had a lot of time to think about it and I feel exactly the same way. I am totally done with Alex now, and the rest of my family if it has to be that way.
“Why, Angelo? Why aren’t you being reasonable about this? For me.”
“You know that I would do anything for you. You know it. But this, I can’t do.”
My refusal is the only thing Brad is ever going to get from me. It doesn’t matter how long he sits here looking at me, he won’t get more. It doesn’t matter how many days or months pass. Alex has gone too far. There is no coming back from this. Basically, he’ll be better off just accepting my decision now.
“Okay. Well, if I can’t convince you, then I want to be there for you.” Brad nods slowly. “I don’t want you to think that I’m not here to support you because I am. Anything you need. Anything at all.”
“I want to go,” I reply with a shrug. “My head isn’t in the game now. So, I want to leave. I don’t see much point in me being in the office when my mind is somewhere else. I want to go now.”
“You are going to come back, aren’t you? I don’t want you to leave here forever.”
“This is my job, Brad. Of course, I’m coming back. I just need a bit of time to adjust.”
“Yes, I understand. Sure, you do. You take as long as you like. We will cope.”
A weight lifts off my shoulders as I stand, a little bit of pressure alleviates. Working hasn’t been the distraction I need; it’s been more stress than anything else. I need to get back to Rachel when I can feel a bit of joy.
“You’re back?” Rachel asks questioningly as she opens the door to me. “That’s early.”
“I didn’t want to be there anymore, so I told Brad that I’m going to take a bit of time off.”
“Is that wise? Don’t you think that it’s better to try and keep life as normal as possible?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug and follow her inside. “I don’t know what I need for the best right now.”
As we head in to the living room, there I see another woman sitting on Rachel’s couch. She looks up and catches my eye, giving me a weary smile. I already feel like she doesn’t have much trust for me, and I don’t know why. I’m not the one who has proven myself untrustworthy in recent times.
“Oh hi.” She extends a hand to me which I shake. “My name is Sheri. I’m Rachel’s best friend.”
“Angelo.” I instantly know that this is someone I need to impress if I want to keep in Rachel’s life. Impressing the best friend is always important. But I don’t have the emotional energy for that right now. “Nice to meet you.”
I take a seat and slump backwards into the couch, allowing my eyes to fall closed for a moment. I just want to block the whole world out, to forget that anyone else exists but me. Me and my pain.
“Do you guys want a coffee?” Rachel asks with an edge to her voice. “It will only take a moment.”
“Sure, thanks,” I reply without opening my eyes. “That sounds great.”
Once I hear her footsteps leave the room, I force my eyes to prize apart to at least be polite. I make myself smile at Sheri, but I don’t get anything back from her. It doesn’t seem like she’s my biggest fan.
“Sorry to hear that you’ve been through a shitty time recently,” she says with only a tiny bit of bite.
“Hmm, yeah, it hasn’t been the best time.” I roll my eyes. “But all I can do is keep moving passed it now.”
“And that’s what you’re going to do? With Rachel?” She narrows her eyes suspiciously at me. “I just want to check that your feelings for her aren’t of the rebound variety. You do actually like her?”
Much as her accusation annoys me, I keep it inside. She’s only trying to protect her friend, which I can’t blame her for. “I have absolutely no intension of hurting Rachel,” I reassure her. “She’s the best thing to ever happen to me. I wouldn’t be able to get through any of this without her. I do have strong feelings for her.”
I probably should just tell Sheri that I’m in love with Rachel, but I think the first person I should tell this to is Rachel. I shouldn’t let other people be in our relationship at all. That’s where problems start.
“Okay, well I hope that you do.” Sheri rises to her feet. “I’m going to leave now. Let you and Rachel have some time together. I’ll go to the kitchen to say goodbye to my friend. Just… make sure you look after her.”
“I will. I have no intention of doing anything but
looking after her.”
As Sheri walks out, I move across to where she was sitting only moments before to see the TV screen better. I just want to lose myself in some mindless program for a while. But instantly, I sit on something. As I pull it out from underneath my ass and I recognize it as a cell phone, I take a step towards the kitchen. If this is Sheri’s then I don’t want her to leave without it. I’m sure her life is on her phone just like everyone else…
“Wait.” I stop dead as an all too familiar picture flickers on the screen. One that I might have only seen for a short time but that I have fully committed to memory. A picture that I allowed Mandy to convince me I wasn’t seeing right, that it wasn’t her. But now I know for sure that it is her and Alex too. I mean, it’s obvious. If I had been given longer with the image, I would have been able to work it out. “Sheri sent this?”
I try to find a motive as my heart pounds in my mouth, aching and pounding violently, but there isn’t one. It takes me a few moments longer than I am proud of to realize that’s because Sheri never had a motive. This isn’t her cell phone. It belongs to the only person I thought I could trust.
“Rachel.” I fall back on to the couch, my mind spinning desperately. “Rachel, why? Why would you do this?”
I can’t imagine her betraying me, sending me this picture, knowing about the affair for all this time leaving me with absolutely nothing. She could have told me, so many times she could have told me, but she didn’t. She knew and she said nothing. She does have a motive as well, because she has already told me that she liked me for a very long time. She sent this picture to try and split me and Mandy up.
I shake my head, shocked to the core. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that I am in this position again. After everything that I have been through with my family, now the woman that I thought I was in love with turns out to be someone different as well. Nothing I thought I knew is right. Everything, everyone is a lie.
What do I do now? Where the hell do we go from here? I don’t know what will become of me. Of anyone. I feel more alone than ever before. I don’t have a damn soul that I can trust. What sort of life is that?
Chapter 29 – Rachel
“Sorry, Sheri,” I whisper to my friend as I say goodbye to her at the door. “I know that this isn’t exactly the best introduction to Angelo. He isn’t like this normally, it’s just a bad time, that’s all.”
“I know, I get it.” She touches my arm softly. “Just remember what I said, okay? Take care of yourself.”
I bite down on my bottom lip knowing that I might be lying as I nod, but it’s all that I can do right now. I need to keep everyone as happy as I can in this challenging situation. It’s like I’m treading water, continually kicking as much as I can so I don’t sink under the waves and drown. So, the ocean doesn’t flood my lungs.
“I will see you soon, okay? I’ll message you later on to let you know how I get on.”
As she walks away, I feel a deep heaviness in my soul. I wanted Angelo back because it means that I don’t need to worry about him while he’s at work. But him back here in this mood isn’t great either. He’s still hurting, still struggling painfully, and I don’t know what I can do to make this better for him.
I sigh and turn slowly, unsure what I will face when I see Angelo again. I just wish that I could take this weight off of him so he can move around a lot lighter again. I guess it will only be time that helps.
“Right, I will just finish off the coffee,” I call out brightly. “Did you want to find something to watch on TV?”
Angelo doesn’t answer me, but I continue on into the kitchen and pour a drink for me and him with my mind spinning rapidly the whole time. I’m searching deep in my heart for the right combination of words to say to make this alright again, but they aren’t there. There just isn’t anything to make this any easier. It actually takes a lot more strength than it should to grab the mugs and to take them into the other room.
What’s going on? Immediately, I’m struck by the fear that something new has happened. I can just see it on Angelo’s ashen face. He looks even more freaked out than he did when he was fighting Alex. What is it?
My eyes dart around, I try to find the source of this new mood without having to ask, and soon I see what it is. My cell phone next to Angelo. The picture that Sheri was looking at before. The one I said Angelo wouldn’t see because he isn’t ever with my phone. Until now. What a fucking idiot I am.
I guess I don’t need to start our relationship on a lie now, and I don’t need to find a way to tell him either, because he already knows. He knows that I know. He knows that I have known for a long time.
“Angelo, I…” I start, but he holds up his hands to stop me from saying any more.
“No, Rachel. I don’t want to hear any excuses. I have been listening to excuses ever since I saw Alex fucking Mandy. Again, there is no excuse for this. You can’t explain what you did.”
“I tried to warn you.” A desperation is already flying out with my tone. “I tried to let you know.”
“You sent me an anonymous picture. Too fuzzy to even see it. It was impossible to tell anything from it.”
“I was in a hard position. I didn’t want Alex to hate me either…”
“Why the fuck are you defending Alex now as well?” His voice grows shrill with anger. “No one can defend what he’s done, yet everyone is doing all that they can to protect him. Why won’t anyone protect me?”
“I want to! I wanted to. I tried. I thought that I was doing the right thing by letting you know. Anonymously was the only way that I could do it. I would have chosen another way if I could…”
“But it didn’t work. You know that it didn’t work. Mandy managed to talk me around. You should have come to me and told me in person. Aren’t we close enough for you to do that for me?”
“Not at the time, no. We barely spoke and you know it. I had a lot going on when it came to considering it. I didn’t want to be the person who hurt you and Alex, I also didn’t want to face the wrath of Mandy… also, I had to think about my motive. I liked you, I didn’t want that to be the reason that I told you. I also didn’t want you to associate me with that pain. I assumed it would ruin any chance I had with you…”
“Selfish excuses. All of it. All of you. It’s all selfish excuses.”
I hang my head low, knowing that he’s right. I was selfish. As I say it aloud, it’s clear that I was only thinking about the way the outcome would affect me. Now, I feel utterly terrible about all of it. I should have been braver and pushed my own fears to one side. I should have thought about him alone. I’m a bad person.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “If I could take it back now then I would. I would tell you straight away to make this easier for you. I mean, if that’s even possible. I don’t know if there’s a good way to know this.”
“Not by surprise, I can tell you that much,” he snaps. “Not with everyone else knowing and not you. Not only am I dealing with all of this, I feel like a fucking idiot as well. Can anything else come my way? Am I about to find out anything else? I honestly have no idea anymore. My life is just a God damn mess.”
I part my lips, desperate to say something to defend myself, but I don’t want to be selfish anymore. Angelo deserves so much more than that. He deserves someone to be a better person than I have been.
“And anyway,” Angelo continues, getting a second wind of a rant. “Even if you didn’t tell me then, why didn’t you tell me now? You can’t use the excuse that we don’t know one another anymore because we do. All the time that we have spent together, the ways that we have gotten closer… why not then?”
I don’t have an excuse and he knows it. Certainly not one that I’m willing to give anyway. Again, everything that I did was selfish. I hid what I knew because I was afraid of losing what I have. Sheri was right yet again. My feelings and love for this man, all the time that I have spent waiting to be with him, have clouded my judgement. I haven’t acted in any mo
ral way, nothing like I should have done, all because I didn’t want to lose him.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat myself. “I know that I have done wrong. I wish I could change it.”
“You can’t change it though, can you? You can’t change any of it. No one can. Alex can’t change what he’s done, Mandy can’t change her shitty behavior, and you can’t either.” He runs his eyes up and down me, looking at me like I’m a stranger. He doesn’t seem to know me anymore. “I guess you will all have to live with what you have done, won’t you? Because I sure as shit have to live with all of your shitty decisions.”
I gasp, a sadness over coming me in a wave. All I want to do is collapse on the ground and sob hard. The only reason I don’t cave into that sensation is because I don’t deserve it. Angelo is the only person with the right to feel anything. I’m just another person who let him down. This isn’t where I want to be.
I can’t stop myself from thinking back to all the times I imagined what our lives would be like if we could just be together. It was all loving and romantic, full of fucking sun shine and roses. I didn’t imagine that it would be so raw and real, so full of agony. I assumed we would skip in to the sun set and everything would be wonderful. It isn’t that way at all. It’s more of a nightmare than anything else. If it was anyone else in the world, I would walk away from this relationship, but it’s him and I can’t turn my back on Angelo Smith.
I’m a mess. An absolute state. Everything that I have ever wanted has slipped through my fingers and I don’t have anyone to blame but myself. My own fear and stupidity. What I wanted to avoid has happened anyway.
“I have been wrong,” I admit to Angelo. “I have. But I didn’t want to hurt you, I hope you know that…”
“That’s exactly what Alex has said to me. He didn’t want to hurt me, but he did.”
“But I love you, Angelo.” It doesn’t feel as good as it should to finally admit those words aloud, but then again it shouldn’t be under these circumstances, should it? “I love you and I don’t want to lose you.”
