by Brenda Ford
His eyes pop wide with shock, but only for a moment before he steels himself once more. “I thought that I loved you too, but I realize now that I don’t know you at all. I haven’t ever really known you.”
“You do!” Shit, I feel myself crumbling and falling apart, losing myself desperately as Angelo says words that fill me with sheer terror. It seems like he’s saying that he can’t ever feel that way about me again. “You do know me. You have known me. You can’t say that you don’t because I made one mistake.”
“It wasn’t just one little mistake, was it? It was something huge. Something massive. Something overwhelming. It’s so big that I don’t know if I can ever really forgive it.”
My breath catches in my throat, I don’t think I can breathe through this. This is definitely going south fast and I need to find a way to bring him back to me. I try and reach out for him, to physically grab him so he can’t leave but he snatches himself away before I can really touch him. He’s literally out of reach right now.
“Angelo, no.” The tears are free flowing but there’s nothing I can do to stop them. “Don’t do this, Angelo. Let’s talk. We can… we can sort this out. It will just take a bit of talking, that’s all.”
“Oh, all of you are the same! You want to talk now. Talk, talk, talk, like that can undo what you have done. But you didn’t want to talk when the time was right. Alex didn’t tell me about his supposed love for Mandy before he started fucking her. You didn’t talk to me before I found out in a shocking horrible way. But now you have all sorts to say. Like it can fix things? Well, it can’t. There isn’t anything to say now.”
“What are you saying?” I gasp. “What are you talking about, Angelo? Please, tell me…”
“I’m saying that we’re done here. This is over.” I swear my heart stops beating the moment I hear these words. “I don’t ever want to see you again, Rachel. You betrayed me and I can’t forgive that. So, don’t call me, don’t try to see me, nothing. Just let me go. Allow me to recover from this properly.”
And then he leaves and my body caves and collapses. I fall into a heap on the floor and sob hard. I had him and I lost him, I know what it’s like to have Angelo Smith, and now he’s gone. My life feels over.
Chapter 30 – Angelo
I don’t know if I have done the right thing by walking away from Rachel, but I do know that right now I can’t even look at her. She spells almost as much betrayal to me as Alex does, and it sickens me. I just can’t overcome the fact that she knew everything for a very long time and didn’t tell me.
“Fucking hell.” My head seriously hurts. I mean, it aches so painfully I could scream. There is so much pressure inside of me that I don’t know how I haven’t exploded yet. “Fucking hell. Everyone.”
I don’t have anywhere else to go at the moment; I need to at least collect some of my belongings before I head to a hotel or whatever, so I will have to face home. I don’t think that Brad will be back yet, but some of my other brothers might be, and there’s no telling how strongly they will try and fight me on my refusal to speak to Alex. Mind you, it doesn’t matter. They can say whatever the hell they want, it doesn’t make any damn difference. I have made my decision and I’m going to stick to it no matter what. I’m not talking to Alex ever again.
I shove the front door open so hard it bangs loudly against the wall, causing an echo to burst through the house. If anyone is in, they will know I’m here now, so let the bullshit begin. I have my metaphorical armor on. I’m ready to fight my corner, to let all of my brothers know that nothing will happen.
“Angelo!” It’s Wesley who gets to me first. “Thank God you’re here.”
I turn to face him, everything that has happened rushing over me. He was the one who looked into Mandy and he found out that she was having an affair but he wouldn’t tell me who with. He told me that he didn’t know who it was, but I can’t believe that. A computer whiz like him who can hack devices will surely be able to find out anything. He knew, and just like everyone else, he wanted to protect precious fucking Alex.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I fold my arms over my chest defensively. “Huh? You knew, didn’t you? You knew that the person Mandy was fucking around with was Alex and you didn’t tell me.”
“I didn’t know that! Of course, I didn’t. I told you what I knew.”
“Oh sure, just like everyone else. Honestly, what bullshit. All of you. The people that I’m supposed to be able to trust have all turned their back on me. It will be a God damn miracle if I can ever trust anyone again after this. I mean, I have been a good person, haven’t I? I have been a good brother to all of you. I have been a good person to everyone else. A good boyfriend. Yet all of you… all of you treat me like shit.”
I stalk away from Wesley, unable to keep up this conversation, and I stomp right in to the kitchen. Of course, as I should have fucking suspected since the way this day is going, there I find Alex sitting at the table with Nelson. They are clearly in the middle of an earnest conversation. Probably about me.
“Oh, how fucking wonderful!” I yell. “You get to have everyone to talk to even though you’re the one in the wrong, yet I have no one. This is just marvelous, isn’t it? It just shows that you can’t expect to have anyone when the shit hits the fan. It doesn’t matter how many times I have been there for all of you, no one can do the same for me. Well, now I know that I actually don’t have a damn soul in the world.”
“I have been calling you,” Nelson argues back. “I didn’t know where you were, and you haven’t picked up the phone to me. I want to be there for you as well as Alex, but you won’t let me.”
“As well as Alex.” I can’t even look at my twin. “Why exactly does he need someone to be there for him? Huh? Oh, is he upset because he has done everything that he can to ruin my life?”
“Angelo, please,” Alex tries, almost rising from his feet. “Let’s just talk about this. Please.”
“I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to talk to any of you. This is done for me.”
“What are you talking about?” Nelson almost yells. “You can’t just say that you’re done. We’re…”
“A family.” I roll my eyes angrily. “I know. So, everyone has told me but no one has been acting like my family recently. Not at all. Maybe there’s no point in pretending that we’re a family anymore. I mean, what is all of this? We all still live in this house that our parents left us because we’re too afraid to move on despite the fact that we’re all pretty much adults now. This house belongs to Brad, he should stay here. We need to all stop relying so much on one another. We seem to think that because we needed each other growing up that we still need each other. Well, we don’t. It’s fucking toxic here and I am doe. You hear me? Done!”
“Angelo, no!” Nelson chases after me as I stomp towards my bedroom. “Don’t do this. Don’t walk away like this. Just stop it, will you? Things don’t need to be this way, do they?”
I ignore my youngest brother and practically run to my bedroom. Once in there, I grab the biggest bag I can get my hands on and I start throwing things in there. I don’t even know what I’m getting really, probably not essentials, but I just need something to take with me when I go. Something to get me started.
“Angelo, I know that you’re upset right now, but that’s why you shouldn’t make any decisions. Choices made in highly emotional states don’t ever work out well. You need to take time and think.”
“Think?” I sneer. “What is there to think of? I have been thinking and I don’t come up with any other conclusion. I can’t be around Alex anymore; it just won’t happen. Not after what he has done to me, and since you guys all want to remain around my darling fucking twin brother, then I need to leave. I mean, it’s probably for the best, isn’t it? That I get out of here. Some changes definitely need to be made around here. It can’t stay the way that it is. It’s tense enough as it is. The longer it goes on, the worse it becomes.”
“It doesn’t ha
ve to be that way though. We can just… we can talk about this.”
I refuse to answer anyone else who suggests talking. I refuse to get dragged in to that anymore. It’s done, there isn’t anything else to say. Perhaps I am in an emotional state right now, there’s no telling if I’m doing the right thing here, but moving away from the family and getting myself some separation seems the only smart move. I’m going to struggle to get over this as it is but being in the middle of it will make it far worse.
“I’m leaving, Nelson. I need to move away from here. I can’t take it anymore.”
“Are you going to stay working with Brad? You’re not thinking about going completely, are you?”
“Not for now, no. But there’s no telling where I will end up. If this situation has shown me anything it’s that I need to make some changes. The way that I have been living my life isn’t working.”
“Just because one relationship didn’t work out…” Nelson starts, but I need to stop him.
“No, it isn’t just one. It’s two. Things with me and Rachel are done now. It turns out that she knew about Alex and Mandy for a long time and she never told me, so we are over. I know that you all thought I moved too quickly anyway, and it seems that you were right. I jumped from one problematic relationship in to another without giving myself any time or space to heal properly and to get my judgement in order. Well, I can assure you all that I have felt my punishment fully. I sure as hell won’t be making the same mistake again.”
Nelson widens his eyes in shock, staring at me like I have really just unleashed on him. Well, I guess I have. But he needs to know the full extent of my situation right now so he can understand my mood and why I need to leave so badly. I feel like Alex has taken two people that I love away from me, including himself. Okay, so Mandy and me weren’t in love towards the end, but we were at one point. We have been, I’m sure we were supposed to be during the time when he started to sleep with her. He has made me lose so much. Too much. This isn’t the sort of thing that I would wish on my worst enemy, never mind my twin brother!
“So, yes, Nelson. Now you understand why I have to go. Just like I’m trying to understand why Alex is being so protected by all of you. It seems that we all have work to do. My work can’t be done here.”
I finish packing as much as I can and zip my bag up. Then I turn to see Nelson to witness his mood. He looks stunned still, but accepting as well, which is confirmed when he steps aside to let me go. I stomp back down the stairs, glaring at Alex as I pass him which causes his eyes to rapidly fall downwards. Then I move towards the front door, swimming in the knowledge that Alex knows I’m leaving, and he hasn’t said a damn thing. He’s happy for me to just suffer in what he’s done all by myself. Wonderful, that’s just marvelous.
“Angelo, are you actually leaving?” Wesley demands. “Can’t you just wait until Brad gets home?”
I shake my head no. “Brad is my brother, not my father. Just because he’s raised us doesn’t mean I need to answer to him. He knows how I feel about all of this anyway. He will understand.”
“But we don’t want to end up apart over this. It doesn’t seem right.” He shakes his head and I can almost see the cogs turning in his brain as he tries to think a way around this but there isn’t a way around this. If I leave it, in a moment, he will start suggesting that we can all be here because it’s such a big place. Not a chance.
“It doesn’t matter, Wesley. I’m leaving. I can’t live here anymore. I just need to get away and to start my life again. I need a fresh clean break from all of this. I need to find a way to discover myself as well.”
Wesley doesn’t look like he’s keen on this, but he nods and steps to the side to let me go. Not that he was going to stop me anyway. But I step out, a little glint of fear shooting through me, I get a strong sense of freedom as well. This is good, this is what I need to be. This is what I need to do. I might not know where I’m going to go, but I do know that going back isn’t the way anymore. I have to keep moving forwards. Away from Mandy, away from Alex, away from Rachel as well. Away from everything that has caused me all of this pain. In to a future unknown but hopefully with a lot more happiness in it. It can’t be worse anyway. Surely?
Chapter 31 – Rachel
Three Months Later…
I’ll give Gary his dues, that mini tour was a good one. He organized it really well. It might have been quick and come out of the blue, but to be honest it was perfect timing. It got me away from home and my real life just as everything was at its lowest, so it worked out well. I needed a break from my heart ache, and it was certainly a good distraction. I think the band has got a lot of good publicity from it as well. It will only further us.
Only… being back makes me realize that I haven’t exactly recovered from everything. I’m still in pain. I sigh and drop my bags on my apartment floor, deflating like a balloon. Everything flows out of me, all the happiness that the crowds have given me, all the confidence that I have been riding on… it goes, and I remember everything.
I still don’t have the love of my life anymore. He’s gone. Really gone. He made it very clear to me not to contact him and although I tried on one occasion, I got nothing back. He sure as hell hasn’t tried to contact me so I can only take that as confirmation that he doesn’t want me anymore. It’s done, over, finished.
“At least I don’t have to wonder ‘what if?’,” I tell myself, trying my hardest to make it feel less shitty. “I know. We tried and it didn’t work out. It isn’t ever going to work out.”
Although I suppose if I wanted to, I could wonder what would have happened if we did it properly and had a little break between his last relationship and this one, it could have been good. Like if the tour had happened and then we got together… but I can’t get hung up on things like that. It’s done. It’s over.
My cell phone rings, and it takes every scrap of energy that I have to reach across and grab it. It’s only because I know who will be on the other end of the phone that I bother to answer at all.
“Hello, Sheri. Yes, I am home now before you ask. I just got in. Literally about three seconds ago.”
“You were supposed to call me the moment you got in! it’s been three long months since I last saw you which is ages. It might be all well and good for you living the rock star dream, but I miss you like crazy.”
I let out a little laugh. “You know I missed you loads too. Why don’t you come over?”
“Can I? Because I have so much to tell you and I need to tell you in person. It isn’t a phone conversation.”
“Uh oh, that sounds like big news. Should I be worried? Is it something dramatic?”
“It is dramatic, sure. But it isn’t something to worry about. You know what, I’ll come now.”
She hangs up without even saying goodbye which suggests to me that she’s already out of the front door and on the way. A part of me wants to get up and straighten the place up. It looks like no one has been here for three months. I even have a dead flower sitting in the window sill that I totally forgot about, but I’m too shattered. I’m sure that Sheri will understand anyway. I doubt she’s going to judge me for not being perfect. She never has done before. In fact, what I might do is just close my eyes for a few seconds until she’s arrived…
I jump up from the couch as a loud knocking sound rings through my apartment. I rub my eyes hard wondering at what moment I slipped from resting my eyes to full on sleep. Shit, I probably look like hell.
“Coming!” I cry out loudly. “Hold on, Sheri, I’m on the way.”
As I swing the door open, I don’t see my friend’s face first of all. I see the giant ring sitting on her ring finger. A giant ring with a large diamond in it which can only mean one thing…
“Oh my God!” I grab her hand and stare shocked in to her eyes. “Is this what I think it is?”
“If you think that it’s an engagement ring, then yes. Yes, it is. Luke asked me to marry him.”
“He proposed? Ser
iously? I mean… seriously?” I don’t know how to react to this news. Sheri looks happy, but it hasn’t exactly been long… not that I’m an authority on moving at the right speed. But I got burned badly… that doesn’t necessarily mean the same will happen to Sheri. Her situation with Luke is very different. “That’s amazing. When did that happen? I can’t believe I missed you getting engaged.”
“I know, I never thought that would happen. But it did. It was a surprise. A big one.”
I stare at her ring once more. “I can’t believe that you kept it from me. You’re usually such a big mouth.”
“I know, I know. But I wanted to tell you in person. It’s such big news.”
I let out a little scream of happiness and we jump together like crazy fools just cheering. I might have my worries about this, but Sheri is happy, and I trust her judgment. More than I judge my own actually, so if she’s pleased with this development then I will be happy for her. I’ll support anything she does.
“Oh my God, I can’t believe it. You and Luke are so good together.”
“I know, and now he’s going to be my husband. Can you believe it? I’m going to have a husband.” She laughs wildly. “I never would have imagined me settling down like this, but with Luke, it’s easy.”
Easy. There it is. The word that me and Angelo never had. It was never easy and straight forward between us. It was complicated from the get go and only got worse. I guess that’s a sign it was never meant to be.
“So, how was everything on tour?” Sheri asks while taking a seat on my couch where I was sleeping only moments before. “I have been keeping up to date with everything I can, and it seems like you drew bigger crowds than normal. A lot of people are talking about you guys online as well, which is exciting.”
“It was awesome.” I grin, transporting myself back to the gigs for a moment with the crowds screaming with excitement around us, even joining in with some of our songs along the way. “The album sales have been good as well, so I can only see things getting better for us. It’s all very exciting. Even Gary is happy.”
