by Brenda Ford
“Right, that’s good. And how were… you know, things with the band?”
“You mean Alex?” I cock a knowing eyebrow. “Well, it was awkward after everything, obviously. Now he knows that I sent a picture to Angelo with him and Mandy in it ages ago, so it’s safe to say that he wasn’t best pleased about that… plus the fall out has made things very uncomfortable. But we decided to just give it a pass and ignore it for the time being. We put it behind us to focus on the music for the tour. I don’t know what will happen now, I don’t even want to think about it, but we avoided it while we were away.”
“How the hell did you manage that?” Sheri exclaims in shock. “How did you manage to bypass that?”
“Well, by basically avoiding each other. We were together on stage, but that was it.” I laugh at the absurdity of it. “I spent quite a lonely three months really, just to make things easy. Alex did the opposite. He spent most of his nights out and partying. Luckily, it didn’t affect the band, but it was a bit much.”
“Was he hooking up with other girls?” I shrug, much to Sheri’s disappointment. “He might have been fucking Mandy out of his system. I mean, he’s going to have to now, isn’t he? He can’t go back to her after all of this.”
“You think?” To be honest, I haven’t considered that. I assumed that this was what Alex wanted and now Mandy is finally available to him. I didn’t think about it being over. “But if he moves on then all of this has been for nothing. I thought that he was in love with Mandy. Why would he turn his back on her?”
“To get Angelo back. He’s going to have to work hard to repair his family, isn’t he? And he might love Mandy, but I hope that all of this has shown him that love isn’t always enough.”
That makes my heart sink sadly. I could crumble and fall apart because that’s a horrible lesson that I have had to experience myself. It isn’t nice. Love should be enough, when love comes in to the picture, that should be everything, but unfortunately, it isn’t. Love wasn’t enough for me and Angelo, and not Alex and Mandy either.
“Now I feel bad for avoiding Alex so much! Maybe we could have helped one another.”
“You had your own pain to deal with,” Sheri reassures me. “You wouldn’t have been much use to one another.”
“Hmmm.” I nod slowly, knowing that now is the time to ask the one question that I have been trying to avoid. “So, I know this is a long shot since it isn’t like you really know each other, but have you heard anything of Angelo? He hasn’t been answering my calls and he hasn’t updated anything on social media. I hate to ask since I’m supposed to be in a much better place now, but I want to know how he’s doing.”
Sheri shrugs hopelessly. “Sorry, I don’t know. Our paths don’t exactly cross, so I wouldn’t know.”
“Yeah, I thought as much. Never mind, I suppose it’s for the best that I don’t know.”
A thick silence hangs over us for a while. I can tell that Sheri doesn’t know what to say and I don’t either. I really didn’t want to be the girl coming back and still banging on about her ex, but it seems that’s what I’ve become anyway. Urgh, it’s bordering on pathetic now. I need to sort myself out.
“Right, well me and you need to go out,” Sheri suddenly announces. “And don’t give me your tired bullshit. I know that you’re shattered. But it’s been three months and we need to celebrate my engagement. I haven’t had a party for it yet because I was waiting for you to come home. I could have had a party, but I waited, because I’m such a good friend and I couldn’t have done it without you… not that this is a guilt trip or anything…”
“Well done, Sheri.” I roll my eyes and laugh. “You have made it impossible for me to say no.”
“I know. I’m good like that.” She grins and sticks out her hand to me. “Come on, girl’s night. Dinner and a couple of drinks. It’ll be nice. We’ll have a good time. I will tell you all about the proposal.”
I nod and agree with her. I’m not even going to bother changing because it isn’t going to be a wild night. Dinner and drinks with my best friend while talking about her love life… it’ll be awesome. My love life is nothing. It’s shitty and crashed to the ground. So, I might as well embrace and celebrate my friend.
“Was it romantic?” I ask as we start to walk outside. “Did he go all out?”
I try not to let a bitter snake of jealousy snake through me as I listen in. This isn’t about me, this isn’t about my issues, and thank God for that. I’m done with living inside my own problems.
Chapter 32 – Angelo
“You look good,” Oliver declares while patting me on the back. “All fresh and happy.”
“I am.” I shrug my suit jacket on further. “That’s what finishing an intense project does for you.”
“Yeah, I guess so. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? It’s been building over the last few months. Since you moved out really. It’s like you’re shaking off whatever was weighing you down and stepping out of your shell.”
I laugh at Oliver’s cheesy explanation of things. But at the same time, I know that he’s right as well. I have been finding myself and becoming a better version of me. The person I think I would have become if me and Mandy hadn’t ended up together. I didn’t even realize it at the time, but she was constantly chipping away at me, turning me in to something else, and I was so in awe of her that I let her do it. But it didn’t feel good.
Now, I feel much better. The last three months have been transformative for me.
“Yeah, well maybe I have. I think I needed to move out to get some separation from everything.”
It’s also helped because Alex has been away on tour. It’s allowed me to still see my family without the constant stress of seeing him as well. But he’s back now so I guess things will change all over again. Not that it matters, I’m strong enough to face anything. I’m the Angelo Smith that I was always meant to be without the shadows of other people hanging over my heads. It feels really awesome.
“Hey, guys!” Brad spots me and Oliver chatting, and he comes to join in. My oldest brother can’t seem to shake off his fatherly role however old we all get, and he’s definitely been trying to keep a bit of an eye over me for the last few months, but I’m not mad about it. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone. “Angelo, I have been meaning to catch you. Are you coming over for dinner tonight? We’re all getting together.”
He carefully avoids mentioning that it’s a dinner because Angelo is back, but I already know. I’m no idiot. I shake my head quickly, shutting down any ideas of a family reunion. “I can’t I’m afraid.”
“You can’t?” Brad doesn’t hide his disappointment. “That’s a real shame. It would be nice…”
“I know, but I just can’t. I’m not going to make any excuses because you know why…”
“You aren’t ready yet?” Oliver jumps in, trying to make things easier.
“No and I don’t know if I ever will be. I have said that before and I repeat it now. I might be doing better now, but I don’t think talking to Alex is the best idea. I don’t know what we have to say to one another.”
I don’t miss the look Brad and Oliver share, but it isn’t going to change my mind. I am sticking to my guns. During the last few months I have had a think about everything with a calmer and clearer mind, and I know that I’m still not ready. I haven’t come to terms if that will change over time or not yet.
“Anyway.” I rise from my seat and gather up my belongings. “I’m off. It’s time for me to go home.”
“Right, of course.” Brad nods, sadness rolling off him in waves. I know that he wants us to be back to being a family again, but it isn’t me who destroyed it. “Well, I guess I will see you tomorrow then.”
I hug my brothers before exiting the office building. I do notice that there is a little heaviness in my chest as I walk away from my family. I do kinda wish that we could all get together again and have a nice night, but I need to remember everything that I have built up. I have a
n awesome home now, an apartment of my own which I wouldn’t have had otherwise if I wasn’t pushed. The family home is massive, it always seemed to have enough space for me before, but now my tiny home feels much more spacious. I have proper privacy there. It’s great.
I drive home, singing along to the radio as I go, smiling to myself as the sun shines down on me. Yes, it would be nice to be with my family, but it’s great to be alone as well. It took a lot to get used to, but now I’m good. Even as I walk inside my apartment and I consider what small meal I will eat by myself. It’s great to flicker through my cupboards and know that everything I have purchased will still be there.
“Screw it,” I mutter to myself. “Let’s get a take-out instead. Treat myself.”
I do prefer to cook, but I can’t really be bothered tonight, so instead I open up my laptop and I bring up a website to order myself an easy meal that doesn’t need a scrap of effort from me. Once I have chosen Chinese food and put my request in, I scroll aimlessly though the Internet, just wasting time until the food arrive.
As always, I eventually end up on social media. To see how everyone else is spending their Wednesday night. Most people aren’t up to much, just like me, but there are some people with the strength to party and do fun things. Including, to my surprise – although it probably shouldn’t be – Mandy.
“Huh,” I mutter as I see her wrapped around someone I’m friends with enough to be linked to on social media, but that I don’t know well enough to be annoyed to see him lapping up Mandy’s affection. She’s manipulative anyway, I know what she’s capable of making other people feel and do. “Look at that.”
I lean back in my chair and stare at the picture for a few moments while digging around in myself to see how I feel. I should feel something as I see this. There should be something going on inside of me… but weirdly, there isn’t. I don’t feel sad or angry, irritated, or even numb. There is just nothing. Absolutely nothing.
“Weird,” I mutter to myself. “Really weird, but good too. Very good.”
I haven’t seen her face ever since that night when she walked out in the middle of my fight with Alex, and I haven’t wanted to. But now I’m confronted with her and I don’t feel anything at all. This is wonderful. This is great. It means I really am over her. I knew as much, but having it confirmed is everything.
It was dead for a long time, just like I told Rachel when we were together. It wasn’t working for ages, I just clung to it because it was familiar to me. Because I assumed that we were meant to be. If I had taken a step back for even a second, I would have noticed what I didn’t want to admit. That it was done.
It doesn’t excuse her behavior. She could have broken up with me, but still… it was done.
That’s why I was happy to move on so quickly, because I knew that me and Mandy were done. My feelings for Rachel were far superior to what I had before so I dived head first in to it with no doubt. Unfortunately, what wasn’t done was the emotion left behind. I was damaged by being cheated on. Especially when I learned that it was my brother, which forced me to be single. Much as it sucked, I suppose it was the right thing to do. I needed this time to get over everything and to discover myself properly. Which now, I have done.
Without even thinking about it, I find myself searching for Rachel on social media. I have done this a few times since she’s been gone, but since it’s mostly been band imagery, I haven’t been able to see a lot of her without seeing Alex as well. It’s put me off doing it too many times. Another thing that’s probably for the best.
But now, if Alex is back then she must be as well. Rachel Weston must be nearby. As long as they are not together then I might be able to stand looking at her. I don’t know how I will feel about her now, but my no reaction to Mandy has given me the strength to finally find out. I need to see, to discover what I will do next.
I suck in a breath and hold it in my lungs as I wait for her page to load. My eyes almost want to close but I just about manage to resist that urge because I need to see what I feel instantly. My instinctive gut reaction will give me everything that I need to know. I don’t know that to expect but I’m very fearful. The anticipation burns.
“Oh wow.” All of a sudden, I’m presented with an image of her right now in a bar which has been uploaded by Sheri. I can tell that Rachel has been dragged out to party the moment she got home, judging by her sweat pants and tee shirt combo. Her red curly hair is messily scraped back, and I don’t think she has any make up on, not that she has ever needed it. Even without dressing up she’s the most beautiful woman alive.
Sheri has her arm slung around her friend’s shoulder and she’s flashing a ring towards the camera. The picture is captioned ‘Celebrating my engagement at last now that my bestie is finally home!’. There is a shining in Rachel’s eyes. She looks happy and a little drunk which makes me smile.
I want to be with her right now. That’s the first thought that strikes me. I want to rush down to the bar and see her. I could easily find out where she is and turn up… but I already know that isn’t the best idea. I don’t know how she’ll react to me. She might never want to see me again. I mean, I wasn’t exactly pleasant to her the last time I saw her. I said some utterly terrible things in the heat of my rage. I blamed her for not telling me the truth, when I really just annoyed with the whole world for everything that happened.
Me turning up and her screaming at me might ruin Sheri’s engagement party. Since her best friend isn’t already my biggest fan, the last thing I want to do is make it worse. No, I need to keep away. Yet my desire to see her, the deep pull in the middle of my chest, the yearning to be back with her tells me everything that I need to know.
I want to be back with Rachel, I never should have let her go. Sure, it was the right thing to do in the first place, but now I’m clear in my emotions. I thought that I was in love with Rachel before, even though it seemed too soon, but honestly, I feel the same now. I do love her. She’s the only person I have ever felt this way about. I want her back in my life some way or another. I need to figure out how to make her mine again.
As impatient as I feel, I can’t make that happen right now. It isn’t the right time. I have made so many mistakes in my life, particularly when it comes to Rachel, so if we ever stand a chance of moving forwards then I need to make it right. I owe her that much. She deserves everything from me now, and I will give her whatever she wants. Even if it takes the rest of my life to make it up to her, I will. She’s the one.
Chapter 33 – Rachel
“Urgh,” I moan as a hammering on the door disturbs me from sleep. That’s probably for the best since I must have crashed on the couch last night. Not my finest moment, that’s for sure. My ‘not a big night out’ quickly became a very messy large night out dictated by champagne and Sheri’s excitement. “Who is that?”
I stagger up from the couch and fall towards the door, half wondering if I arranged for Sheri to come for breakfast or something. My memories are hazy when it comes to the end of the night.
“Hold on.” I grab the door handle, pausing for just a second to keep the sickness inside, and I tug it open. My heart stops beating and panic shoots through me. I blink a few times, assuming I must be dreaming. This can’t be real; this can’t be happening. There’s no way to accept this. “A… Angelo?”
He’s here. I have only been back from touring for a day and he’s here already. Looking gorgeous as well in his sleek work suit, breaking my heart because I can’t just touch him. And here I am looking like shit. My hair all over the place, my face a mess, my clothes a mess from last night. This is a nightmare.
“I hope this isn’t a bad time?” he asks with a small smile playing on his lips.
“Er, well it isn’t the best,” I admit. “I have only just returned and I’m a total mess.”
“You don’t look like a mess to me. You look as beautiful as ever.”
His words make my heart stop beating. He can’t be serious. He can’t say that to
me knowing how I’m going to feel. Is this supposed to be a joke or something? I open and close my mouth a few times in shock.
“Sorry, I’m being a bit full on, aren’t I?” He shoves his hands in his pocket and glances downwards. “I don’t mean to be. I just wanted to talk if that’s okay with you? If it’s possible to come inside?”
I glance behind myself and see the mess that I have left behind. I can’t have Angelo in. It’s bad enough this is happening right now without making it worse. Whatever me and Angelo have to talk about, it’s going to be serious and potentially life changing. I didn’t want it committed to memory while I’m a state.
“Now isn’t a good time. Would it be possible to come back later on?”
“There’s a café down the end of the road. Why don’t I wait there for you? I can get a coffee while I wait.”
Oh God, I’m not going to be able to avoid this, am I? I’m not getting away with it to give me time to gather up my thoughts and to shake off this hang over. I suppose it’s best to get it over and done with then. And if it’s in a neutral environment then I suppose it won’t destroy my home with more bad juju.
“Fine. I will be as quick as I can. Are you sure you don’t mind waiting?”
He gives me a knowing smile that I try my hardest not to read in to. “I don’t mind at all.”
I don’t move while I watch him walk away from my home, taking that gorgeous body with him, and my heart bleeps painfully. I suspected that I wasn’t quite over Angelo yet, and that suspicion has been proven very true. I feel everything all at once for him. The way I felt when my love was unrequited. The way I felt when we were together. The way that I felt when he left me behind. All of it all at once.
“Shit,” I mutter as I slam the door closed. “Shit, what the fuck am I going to do now?”
