Men in Control: Special pack: The Smith Brothers Series

by Brenda Ford

  “Yeah, you’re telling me. I didn’t expect my engagement party to end like that! It was insane.”

  “What did Luke say when you got back to yours? Was he shocked by the mess of you?”

  “No way!” She tosses her head back and laughs loudly. “He’s seen me at my worst and he still proposed. He’s stuck with me now, even when I am a drunken state. Luckily, he’s accepted that much.”

  I get a pang of jealousy all over again. Sheri really does have it right with her easy romance. I wish it could just be that way with Angelo because I am still convinced he’s my forever man. But perhaps it will one day. It might take a little longer for me and him to get there, but I’m hoping we do eventually.

  “That’s good. I’m glad you’re alright. How are you dealing with work today?”

  “I’m not. I’m basically just sitting here slowly dying. No one wants to talk to me, luckily.”

  “Well, if you look anything like I did this morning, I’m not surprised. I’m shocked I didn’t puke.”

  “Why are you even up so early?” Sheri exclaims. “I assumed you’d sleep all day long after last night. You ended up getting drunk really quickly and I thought that’s because you were so tired.”

  “Oh, you noticed that I was tired, but you didn’t have sympathy on me and take me home?”

  “No way! We were having far too much fun. Plus, you wouldn’t have wanted to go home after one drink.”

  “Yeah, well you’re probably right about that. But I am going back to sleep now. When I get in.”

  “You’re out?” The shock is evident in Sheri’s voice. “Why on earth…?”

  “I ended up with a surprise visitor this morning who dragged me out of bed and out my house.”

  “What a masochist! Who was it? Do I need to kick some ass?”

  “It was Angelo,” I chuckle. “He wanted to talk about what happened before the tour.”

  “Ah, so I do need to kick some ass!” Sheri isn’t best pleased with what happened, even if I have told her I understand why he got so upset. “Put him on the phone. I can take my anger out on him.”

  “He’s gone now. And he apologized for all of it. He didn’t mean it; he was just really sad and angry.”

  “Hmmm.” She doesn’t sound convinced. “I see. So, what did he have to say for himself? Surely, it wasn’t just the apology? Did he ask you to get back with him? I just know that he did.”

  “He did actually. But don’t worry, I didn’t agree. Not like that. I have been more sensible this time around. More cautious which I know you have been warning me to do for ages. I actually learned this time around.”

  “Good… I think. Hold on, you need to tell me exactly what you did say.”

  “I just told him that I can’t consider us again while there is still drama surrounding us. It clearly doesn’t work out. So, until he has made things right with Alex, I can’t even think about it.”

  Even repeating those words now is too much to bear. But if I keep reminding myself that it was the right thing to do, then surely it will eventually be okay? God, it needs to be okay.

  “Wow, you really said that? That’s impressive, Rachel. But I can’t see Angelo ever making it up with Alex, can you? And since you didn’t speak to Alex much during the tour, you don’t know if he is ready to forgive Angelo. If you look at it objectively, they have both done things wrong to one another.”

  “Oh God, do you think? Do you think Alex will turn his back on Angelo?”

  I never considered that. I didn’t think about it at all, but I suppose Sheri could be right. Perhaps I should speak to Alex to see if this is something that will happen, just so I can anticipate this time, and nothing is a shock.

  “You don’t know how he’s going to react, do you? Anything could happen.”

  “Hmmm.” I’m distracted now, my head all over the place. “Yeah I guess so.”

  “Anyway, get that place of yours tidied up because I’m coming over for a bit after work. Then we can have a proper talk about this. I don’t want to do it in the pit you’re living in right now.”

  I laugh at her little sarcastic remark. “Sure, I will do. Won’t Luke miss you though?”

  “Nah, he’s okay. He’s seen a lot of me over the last few months. You haven’t. So, you can’t get rid of me that easy. I’ll be around just after five. Looking forward to seeing you already.”

  Once I hang up to Sheri and I step inside, I make a snap decision to call Alex now before I can talk myself out of it. We need to talk about this and also break the chain of silence between us as well. As the phone rings, I pace up and down in the living room, wondering if Alex will even want to talk to me…

  “Hello?” Admittedly, he sounds a little confused by my call. “Rachel?”

  “Hi, Alex, how are you doing?” The words fall out of my mouth. It’s like I’m too afraid to be silent for even a moment because the awkwardness will be revealed. “It’s weird being back home, isn’t it?”

  “It sure is. But good too. I think I needed a break from the tour, as fun as it was.” He might be trying to sound happy, but I can hear the tension thick in his voice. He’s still struggling badly.

  “Mmm.” We both know there is more to this. That I’m not calling for small talk, but it’s taking me a moment to get around to it. “So, Alex, I just wanted to let you know that I spoke to Angelo…”

  “You did?” He’s eager, almost snatching words out of his mouth as he answers. He’s perked up ten-folds which causes guilt to slide down my throat. I don’t want to make promises that might not pan out.

  “I did,” I reply carefully. “He came to speak to me actually. I didn’t think he would want to, but he did.”

  “What did he have to say for himself? Did he mention me at all?”

  He sounds so desperate to have his brother back in his life, it makes me sad. At least I can guarantee that he won’t turn Angelo away if he comes to him and asks to make things right again. I don’t need to worry about that. I suppose with everything else stressing me out, it’s good to have this one thing off my shoulders.

  “He came to meet me to ask me to get back with him, but I refused.” Alex gasps, shocked. “At least for now. I said that I can’t be with him while things are still bad with you guys.”

  “You did? But why did you do that? You didn’t need to do that for me…”

  “Well, I wanted to do it for you because you’re my friend and I don’t like to see you sad. But I also did it for me because I don’t want any more drama in the way if we’re going to be together. We have had too much already. I also need the past to be behind him and that includes what happened with you and Mandy.”

  “Oh God, it makes me sick to think about what I have done. It’s so bad, isn’t it…”

  I can’t stand hearing him put himself down. Especially when there isn’t anything that I can do to make it better. It isn’t my opinion that he really cares about.

  “That isn’t something to discuss with me. You know that I’m not going to judge you, Alex. Things happen, don’t they? That’s something that you need to do with Angelo. You need to talk things through.”

  “You think he’ll come to me? You think he’ll actually do it?”

  “I don’t know.” I shrug although he can’t see me. “I would like to think so for everyone’s sake, but I guess only time will tell. You and I will both have to just see what he decides in the end.”

  We both fear the same thing which helps us to build up the little connection that has been crushed recently. It’s nice, I really don’t want to lose Alex through everything. I want to be able to help pull him out of this self-destructive cycle if I can. It may well be just a blip. That’s what I’m hoping for anyway.

  “Well, I’m very grateful to you, Rachel. I think you’re the only person who can get through to Angelo.”

  I don’t know if that’s the truth, he certainly didn’t agree outright, but I don’t want to put a dampener on the tiny bit of hope that Alex has for
his potentially hopeless situation right now. Instead, I make an agreeable noise.

  “Mmm, yeah. Well, I hope it all goes well anyway. When he… you know, does come to you.”

  “Me too. Especially with what Gary has been planning. He wants us on tour again soon and I don’t really want to go unless I know for sure that all is okay. It’ll be too hard and the longer we leave it, the worse it will get.”

  We say our goodbyes then with nothing else to say to one another and I hang up the phone. A tune is swirling around in the back of my brain and it’s starting to demand more and more attention. I don’t do a lot of song writing, that’s usually Alex’s forte, but I have done a bit and I’ve wanted to do more. This might be the time right now while I have all the inspiration in the world. The time as well. While I wait for news from Angelo and Gary as well. I could get going with the song and see where it leads me. Even if it doesn’t work out, no one has to know but me. It’s always something that I have wanted to do more of so why not?

  I smile to myself with a pen and paper between my fingers and I get a few words down, just as a start. Angelo and the situation that we have been through, all the different ways in which I have loved him, flood me and get me really going. I scribble and write until my hand aches, barely even noticing time passing. Perhaps this is how I should have been distracting myself all along. It’s satisfying, all consuming, and productive as well.

  Chapter 36 – Angelo

  Nerves zig zag through my system as I stand at the door to my childhood home. The place that I called home for my entire life until very recently… although it doesn’t really feel as familiar as it probably should. It’s mostly been good memories here, I don’t have much to complain about when it comes to my youth, but the bad memories that have come from this place are really bad. Terrible, in fact.

  Our parents dying. That’s the first really bad one I have. Not that they passed away in the house, but that’s where we were when we got the news of the car crash. I vividly remember hearing about it, even though I was only five or six at the time. It’s the moment I knew for sure that my life wouldn’t be like other peoples. I was going to be different. It was just lucky that I had five brothers to survive that with.

  Then there was the fight with my family over Alex. Okay, so there might have been some other bad bits in between but those are the two main ones. Seeing my twin and knowing that he isn’t who I thought he was.

  And now we might be about to create another bad one, I’m not totally sure yet which way it will go, but it could be another negative experience in this house. My chat with Alex, organized by Brad after I mentioned Rachel’s terms and conditions to us getting back together, is finally about to happen, and I don’t know how I feel.

  “I just need to try,” I remind myself quietly. “That’s all it is. Trying. Nothing else matters.”

  I don’t know how Rachel will feel if I go back to her and say that we gave it a go, but it didn’t quite work out. Is that going to be enough for her? I guess there is only one way to find out.

  With a trembling hand, I raise my fist and start to knock on the door… but I stop myself at the last minute. I’m sure that I’m still allowed to just walk inside. I don’t think anything has changed on that front.

  “You’re here.” Brad’s face fills with relief as he sees me. “I didn’t know if you were going to come.”

  “Were you just waiting inside the door for me? That’s a bit crazy, Brad. I told you I would come.”

  “We’re all in the dining room,” he continues, completely ignoring my question. “Come on through.”

  “Hang on. This isn’t like some intervention bullshit or anything, is it? Because there is enough pressure on today without the rest of you making it worse. I just want to see if anything can be resolved.”

  “No one is on anyone’s side. We just want it to be okay again. You know that.”

  “So, if I want you all to go, you will? You don’t need to worry. There won’t be any fighting.”

  “I never assumed there would be.” His facial expression betrays him. That’s exactly what he’s worried about. “Yes, if you want us all to go, we will. But all we want to do is help you both out.”

  “Right.” I roll my eyes. “Come on then. Let’s get this over and done with.”

  I walk behind Brad into the dining room with my pulse pounding heavily in my mouth and I see all my brothers sitting around the dining room table. All of them have grim expressions on their faces, particularly Wesley who I know is still concerned about his involvement with the mess that happened – not that any of it can really be blamed on him. It’s challenging for me to not make some stupid comment and walk out.

  “Thank you for coming,” Alex finally breaks the silence quietly. “I know this is hard for you.”

  I nod sharply and take my seat. “It’s okay, thank you for meeting with me as well. It’s a bit…”

  Me and Alex stare at one another, our history flowing between us. Me and him have always been together. Through everything. Whenever anything has gone wrong, we have always been there. I guess that’s been one of the hardest things about this. The person that I would normally go to when I have issues is the one who caused my pain. I could have talked to my other brothers, and I did a bit, but never him.

  “I’m sorry,” Alex says. “I can’t tell you how guilty I feel about everything. It’s terrible. I have done nothing but think about how I could have allowed myself to get in such a mess and I really don’t know. I have no answers.” He shakes his head regret flowing off him. “The only thing I can assume is that I lost my mind.”

  “You love her?” That might not be the right question to ask, but it comes out regardless.

  “I don’t…” He darts his eyes nervously to Brad who nods reassuringly. “I don’t know…”

  “You must love her. That’s why you lost your mind over her. Why you were willing to risk so much. I’m going to guess that she was the one who never wanted to tell me, and you were too scared of losing her to disagree.” Alex looks at me dumb founded. “I know a little bit about doing what Mandy wants to keep her. Even as I found myself falling out of love with her, I would still do what she wanted so as not to lose her.”

  I have a feeling that all of my brothers are shocked at how calmly I can discuss this, but it’s because I can do it without feelings anymore. I can take an objective look at it. And it is what it is.

  “It’s okay, Alex. We might as well talk about things honestly. Get everything out.”

  Alex nods and stares at me, emotions dancing behind his eyes, before he answers. “Okay, yes. I love her. Loved her. That’s why I risked everything. It was stupid, and I know it, but I did.”

  “Do you love her, or did you love her?” I tilt my head to one side curiously. “How are you feeling now?”

  “I don’t know.” His eyes hit the floor far away from me. “I don’t know how I feel.”

  “You do, and it’s okay. Whatever the answer is, it’s okay. I think we just need to know.”

  “Is this necessary?” Oliver pipes up, until he sees my facial expression. I only haven’t sent the rest of my brothers away yet because they haven’t intervened. I need to know what I need to know.

  “I want to switch off my feelings for Mandy, I really do. Especially after all the pain I have caused. I knew that it was going to be bad, but I didn’t know how bad. Yet, I can’t seem to make it happen.”

  “I see… and have you seen her? Since you have been back from the tour, I mean?”

  “No, no way.” He’s so firm with this answer, I know that it’s the truth. “I have been blind and made too many mistakes for words, but I’m trying to be better now. I need to be better. So, no. I haven’t seen Mandy or contacted her. My priority is making things right with you. Just like it always should have been.”

  I rise from my chair and pace the room by the table. Feeling everyone’s eyes upon me doesn’t help, but I need to just take a moment to think. This is all ge
tting a bit too much for me. But not in a bad way, just in a way that I need to get my head together. Alex still loves Mandy, but he hasn’t seen her because he wants us to be a family again. That’s a little overwhelming. Especially if he’s been going down a self-destructive path.

  “I don’t know what to say to you, Alex,” I finally continue, taking my seat. “I’m not going to say that I’m okay with you and Mandy being together because that will always be weird for me, and I also think that you’re far too good for her, but I’m not going to tell you that you can’t either. It’s really up to you. I know for sure that I don’t have any feelings for her anymore, I want to be with Rachel, if she’ll have me.”

  His eyes pop open wide, he stares at me, looking stunned to the core. I am a little myself to be honest. I didn’t come here knowing that was going to be my answer. But it’s the right thing to do. I don’t want to stand in the way of Alex and Mandy if they are meant to be. Not that I believe they are. It just isn’t my business anymore. I have my own stuff going on. I have my own love life to contend with and to make right.

  “I don’t know what to say, Angelo, your forgiveness is too much…” Alex is getting choked up with emotion which brings a lump to my throat as well. “I know you haven’t said that you forgive me, but even being here… well, it’s a big step and much more than I could ever hope for. You are such a good person.”

  “Fucking hell!” Wesley bangs his fists down on the table and rises to his feet. “You two are killing me here. I am not an emotional bastard, you know that about me, but you’re making me want to cry.”

  We all stare at Wesley, shocked by his outburst, stunned into silence. It’s me who explodes in to laughter first. It’s the only feasible reaction to Wesley’s craziness. That causes everyone else to laugh as well and the tension simply flies out of the room. I didn’t realize quite how thick the air was until it vanishes. This is so much better. This is what I’m used to and makes this house feel like home again.

  I hate to admit it, but Rachel was right. Me and Alex did need this. It’s the last piece of the puzzle before Mandy is purged from my life completely. Forgiving Alex and shedding this weight from my shoulders makes me feel wonderful. I catch my twin brother’s eyes and smile at him. He grins happily back at me, and I feel an intense and powerful connection between us. Our brotherly bond building back up once more.