Men in Control: Special pack: The Smith Brothers Series

by Brenda Ford

  I nod, understanding him. “Yeah, I have had nights like that. Many nights. I wanted to climb the walls many times and escape to the nearest bar… although I’m sure there aren’t any around here.”

  Cody laughs, the strain falling a little off his face. “Yeah, I’m sure that you’re right about that.”

  I pat him on the back, really understanding the place that he’s in. I was there. I have been there. I am sure that I will end up back there before I leave. Maybe even afterwards. What I need is the strength to get over it when it happens. Cody needs that too. He will get there, I’m sure. Or I hope anyway. I have seen some people fail and I don’t want that to happen to Cody as well. He’s a good guy. I like him, I want success for him.

  It’s actually other people who made me want to talk in the first place. I was the guy who came to all of the meetings but sat at the back and didn’t say anything. Who refused to speak no matter what. I’m not sure if it’s because of my fame or the difficulties that I have been through communicating in the past, but I just couldn’t do it… not until my eyes were opened and I realized that my story could help other people as well as myself.

  Now, I’m glad to talk about my story. I mean, it isn’t like anyone treats me any differently because of who I am, so it’s great. It’s a great release and I’m over the moon to be here having this positive experience.

  “I do need to get out of here though man, back to my wife.” Cody rubs his hands together so hard I fear he might tear skin off them. “Like, I know this is going to be a long process and we need to go through it to come out the other side a much better person… but man alive, I miss her like crazy. Life is impossible without her. Do you ever feel like that? Is there anyone in your life that you want to scream because you miss so much?”

  I nod, unable to actually vocalize who I miss, even to this guy who is my best friend here at the moment.

  “I have to ask…” Cody turns to face me head on; his expression curious. “And please, kick my ass if this isn’t an appropriate question, I think my time here might have blurred what’s acceptable and what isn’t…” I laugh, agreeing with him. This is a mental place when it comes to boundaries. The lines get blurred easily. “But is the woman that you’re missing the one who sent you on your downwards spiral? The one from your twin…”

  Urgh, Mandy. I shake my head unable to even remember what was going on there. I don’t even know if what I had with that woman was love or just obsession. I might have just clung to her like crazy for no real logical reason with my head in the sand, not wanting to face the truth. I know that makes it worse. I understand that if it wasn’t love then what I did to Angelo was even worse, but I have to accept it anyway. It’s the truth.

  “It’s actually the woman who brought me here, who forced me to face my demons.”

  “Wow, and she did that before you were really ready to face it yourself?” Cody cocks a knowing eyebrow. “Because there wouldn’t have been a chance in hell that anyone could have done that for me, I needed to accept it myself. I had to be the one who made the decision that it was time for me to come here.”

  “Well, I did hit rock bottom first, as I said to everyone. But it was her.”

  “She must be quite a woman. You should hold on to her no matter what.”

  My face falls, my whole body slumps forward. “I don’t know. I think I might have already lost her.”

  “You’re here.” Cody rests his hands on my shoulder. “You can’t do much while you’re here. Only heal, but if she’s the one then it will work out somehow. You will end up together.”

  “Hmm, I’m not so sure. I don’t know if the water is too far under that bridge.”

  “Have you tried calling her?” I shake my head no. I have tried, but never quite worked up the courage. “Why not write to her then? It might not get you anywhere, but there is something pretty soothing about getting your words down on paper. Even if it is just a release exercise, you should do it.”

  The group leader then starts talking, effectively ending our conversation for us, but Cody has given me a lot to think about. Writing is one of my talents, it’s something that I do well, so why not give it a go? Even if it isn’t something that I ever send, and I just use it to get stuff out of my system it could help. I don’t want to consider the moment that Freya walked away from here leaving me behind as the last time we ever talk. We can’t just go through all of that and never communicate again. It’s too much. It’s too intense. I need to say more.

  Dear Freya… I look at those words, wondering why they were the only ones that I can write down. There is more, my heart is filled with so much to say but I don’t know where to start. I have been looking at this page for hours and I haven’t really figured out where I need to begin, what needs to be said first.

  I love you. That’s what I write next, because it’s the truth. I don’t know if I ever loved Mandy, but I am certain of my love for Freya. It’s the clearest emotion in my mind. I’m sure of it. I know that it might not lead anywhere, and it might simply be an unrequited feeling, but it needs to be said anyway.

  I love you for the incredible person that you are, for the way you make me feel, for all that you have done for me. I don’t even think you know that you saved my life, but you did. If it wasn’t for you, I would be dead in a ditch somewhere. But I don’t just love you for saving my life. I love you because you’re perfect. Because you are unlike any other woman that I have ever met, and in an incredible way. Freya, you are a pop princess wonder.

  I grin to myself as I write down everything that I love about Freya, glad that she might see these words at some point and know exactly what she means to me. I don’t expect her to feel the same way that I do, but that doesn’t matter. Of course, I would much prefer it if she did, but that isn’t the meaning of this. It’s just so she knows…

  But then I need to explain what I did wrong, how I hurt her and everyone around me, and my face falls. It’s nerve wracking to think about, but I do need to express it all. And actually, not just to Freya. I might need to write letters to everyone in my life, to make them see that I understand what I did wrong and I want to make up for it.

  I imagine every single person tearing up the letters, except maybe Brad who has expressed endless forgiveness to me that I just don’t deserve, but the rest of them. Especially my band mates. I can’t blame them, I did fuck up the tour and leave them in the middle of it, but I’m trying. I want them to know that.

  Once I have made that decision, the pen keeps on flowing, the words finally coming out with ease. Cody was right, this is the right next step for me. Communicating with the outside world in this meaningful way. Sure, it might not have a positive outcome, but I’m a little stronger now. I can handle it. All of it.

  “I love you too,” Freya whispers into my ear, her delicate fingers trickling down my chest. “I’m so glad you sent me that letter because it made it easier for me to tell you that I feel the same way.”

  I run my eyes all over her face, drinking every inch of her in. She’s a little fuzzy, which only highlights what I already know. That this is a dream. There isn’t any real way that she’d be allowed to be naked in my rehab bed. But it doesn’t matter if it isn’t real. I am going to take full advantage of this situation anyway.

  “I love you being here.” I toss my head back as ecstasy shoots through me, her mouth slipping down my body to meet where her fingers are already curled around my thick throbbing cock. “You’re amazing.”

  “Your words,” she pants out, her hot breath blowing through my pubic hair towards my base. “That letter… it was everything to me. To know how you really feel is perfect. Thank you so much. You’re so brave to tell me.”

  “It was all true. It is all true.” My fingers knot up in her hair as she brushes kisses up and down my cock, sending me to heaven without actually pushing me between her lips just yet. “You are…”

  Fuck, I lose my mind as she takes me between her lips, her wet hot mouth surroundi
ng me. I don’t know if it’s just because it’s been forever since I have had a human connection like this or because it’s Freya, but I see fucking stars already. This beautiful woman is used her lips and tongue to tip me over the edge already.

  “I love you,” I whisper out, barely audible since she has stolen my breath. “I love you; I love you.”

  The combination of the romance behind my words and the passion coming from her mouth is too much. The images change and flicker. She moves her mouth off of mine and I plunge deep inside of her, in many different positions. One minute, I’m on top of her, hovering my weight above her, the next she’s straddling me, and her breasts are bouncing up and down along with her movements. Then she’s on all fours, her ass in the air, and I’m slamming in to her over and over again, my balls hitting her ass with every thrust. Up against the wall, behind her, in front of her, everywhere. I see all of her and I adore every inch. I want to touch her, to taste her, to hold her… actually, what I really want is to remain asleep with her here in my arms… or to wake up with her with me for real. That would be ideal, but for the time being I will have to just enjoy this dream for the moment while I can have it. What comes next is a problem for tomorrow. I can worry about it then…

  Chapter 27 - Freya

  “What is that in your hand?” Nathan gushes the moment that he spots me sitting hunched over a piece of paper sobbing like a damn baby. “I thought you were singing and recording! What happened?”

  “I… I…” I don’t know how to express my feelings because right now they are all of me. “I got this letter and… well I don’t know what to think about it. It’s all just too much. It hurts.”

  The pain is so deeply ingrained in me I don’t know how to shake it off. I was kidding myself when I thought that I was even slightly getting over Alex. Of course I wasn’t. I’m never going to! This letter from him from his rehab center laying everything out on the line is overwhelming. I’m a damn mess.

  “Let me see this.” Nathan takes it from me. It’s damn near impossible for me to let it go. This is a declaration of his love for crying out loud! His sober love while he is thinking straight and not in a messy drunken state which makes it a million times worse. But because I can still see the page so I can just about set it free.

  “Oh my God,” Nathan’s hand clasps to his mouth. “Oh my God, Freya. What the hell is all of this? This is… well, it confirms what I already suspected. That you and Alex had something going on, but I didn’t realize it was this deep. Love? Was it really love? Is this the truth? Because you do know that’s insane, don’t you?”

  I shrug helplessly. “I can’t help it. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did. It just happened…”

  “How can you fall in love with someone when they are a mess like that? This is just crazy.”

  “You can’t help how you feel, Nathan. You’re acting like this is something I did on purpose.”

  He stares at me a bit like he doesn’t recognize me now, which is an emotion that I understand well. I’m not totally convinced that I have been able to recognize myself through all of this. I’m certainly not the person that I was before all of this. But I’ve been strong, haven’t I? I’ve done my best to survive…

  “So, he loves you, huh?” Nathan asks, his voice mush softer. “That’s really something. But as you must have realized through all of this, love isn’t always enough. It can’t be, can it? When someone’s life is a mess like his is, you can’t put your love for one another above everything else. It just doesn’t work like that.”

  “I know!” God, his words are just making this worse. Like I don’t fucking understand that. I fold my arms across my chest like a petulant teenager arguing with my parents… Goddamn I wish my mom was here right now. I might have to give her a call and beg her to visit me. I need a hug! “I do know which is why I am here with you working rather than waiting outside the rehab for him to be freed.”

  “Please tell me that isn’t what you would rather be doing.” Nathan rolls his eyes. “Please, Freya. You are so much better than that. You’re the hottest thing right now. You don’t need to hang around some washed up rock star.” His eyes narrow as he sees me blanche at those words. “What? That’s who he has become.”

  “You don’t know Alex,” I bit back fiercely. “You haven’t ever spoken to him. How dare you believe that you have the right to say anything about him. He isn’t a bad man and he isn’t washed up either. Just because he has made a few mistakes it doesn’t mean that this life is over forever.”

  “Come on,” Nathan scoffs. “You know this industry as well as I do. He’s screwed.”

  “I’m not even going to dignify that with an answer. How dare you? But even if I was outside the rehab waiting for him, it wouldn’t be because I want to hang off his fame. It would be because of him.”

  “Because of these words?” Nathan tosses the letter to the ground like it’s nothing and I scrabble after it because to me it is everything. “Those words don’t mean anything. They won’t in the long run. This to me sounds like more of an apology than anything else. I don’t want to be cruel, but I think you might need a reality check. You and Alex aren’t ever going to happen. And even if you did, it would be a disaster.”

  I scowl at Nathan, hating him for the first time in my career. I didn’t think that I would ever feel this way about him, but I do. All that he has said leaves me disgusted. “Nathan, keep out of it.”

  “Normally, I would, but I think that when it comes to Alex Smith your judgement is impaired. You can’t seem to think straight around him. I don’t blame you for that, we have all been there, but the stakes are too high with you. Didn’t you see how he fucked up the careers of everyone around him? I don’t want to include you in that.”

  “He didn’t do anything bad to me so I’m sure you don’t need to worry.”

  “He didn’t intend to do anything bad to anyone. With people like him, it just happens.”

  I glare at Nathan, knowing that no understanding is going to come here. We both have far too much going on in our minds to even listen to one another. I need to bounce then we can discuss it at a better time.

  “I have a radio interview in a moment, so I better get to it. This is something we can discuss later.”

  “Freya, please,” Nathan offers. “Please don’t walk out on me while everything is so up in the air.”

  “Or maybe not at all,” I growl as my reply. “Since my personal life isn’t any of your business.”

  With that, I storm out of the room with my bag slung over my shoulder, and I stomp out of the recording studio. With my precious letter from Alex clutched between my fingers, my head spins wildly. I do get why Nathan is saying all of these things to me, he does have my best interests at heart… but only when it comes to my career. Unfortunately for him, there is more to life than that. I can understand why he sees Alex as he does, but I know more about him. I understand how hard this must have been for him to write, to confess. I also believe, truly believe, that he wouldn’t tell me that he loves me if he didn’t mean it.

  He loves me, I think desperately to myself. He loves me and I love him.

  But love isn’t necessarily enough is it? It isn’t. It can’t be or everyone would be happy. I already made the decision that I would keep away from Alex, at least until he gets out of rehab. But he’s pulling me back to him, the magnetic force is dragging us back together once more. The yearning deep in my chest is so overwhelming that I can hardly stand it. I don’t know if I can keep away any longer. I don’t even know how much longer he is going to be in rehab. It could be for months and months. Who knows how long it will take to cure him?

  It doesn’t take me long to arrive at the radio station and I do what I can to get my work head back on before I go inside. I need to at least focus for the time being until I can get through this…

  I just about manage it as well. At least while I perform my live song for the audience. I manage to get my head in the game and sing my as
s off. Judging by the stream of positive text messages that the radio host gets while I’m singing, I do good as well. I guess at least all of this emotion is good for something. It makes my performances awesome. If only I could turn it on and off while not singing to keep my life in order.

  But then it comes to the time of being interviewed, and as soon as I take the chair in front of the radio host, I get a funny feeling. There is a strange atmosphere in the air. The tension could be cut with a knife and I don’t know why. What I do know is that this is how journalists generally behave before they ask someone something that they really don’t want to answer. The tension remains thick in my spine as I brace myself.

  Keep your cool, I warn myself desperately. This is live. Don’t lose your shit.

  But I can feel it brewing regardless. This is really bad.

  “And now, we have Freya here with us today,” she speaks into the microphone in a syrupy smooth voice. My instincts scream at me to leap out of this chair and to run already, but somehow, I manage not to cave to that. “You might have heard her stunning performance of her new song All Done a moment ago. But if you missed it then you can download it on our website to hear it again, which I highly recommend that you do.”

  “Oh, well thank you for your kind words.” I can’t stop my voice from shaking. Already, I’m a mess and she hasn’t even said anything to me yet. This is why live stuff is always hard work. “And thank you for listening…”

  “Freya, you have been very busy recently,” she jumps in quickly, not giving me much time to talk. Clearly, whatever it is that she wants to say she can’t wait to get to. “It seems like you are everywhere! Ever since your stint with Blood Red Masters.” My spine stiffens even more, if that’s even possible. I can tell by the smirk on her face that we are drawing near. “Despite that tour crashing and burning, it worked out well for you.”