by Brenda Ford
“Zoe,” Andy’s voice calls calmly calls the office. “Can you come in to my office, please?”
Wow. The way that he speaks to her compared to the way that he speaks to me is ridiculous. But I’m not even mad about it because she looks like she needs soft words right now. Even I wouldn’t yell…
Chapter 16 - Zoe
I can’t stop crying. I just can’t stop the tears from falling. I don’t even know why I’m at work this morning when my whole world has just fallen apart. It doesn’t seem practical. But here I am, trying to make my existence work when I’m crumbling and losing my mind. My grandma… the one person who I have left in my life, the only family member that I have alive isn’t living anymore. She passed away in the night and I found her this morning, cold and lifeless. With nothing left within her and there isn’t anything I can do.
This is my fault; I think as I follow Andy in to his office. This is because I haven’t been around enough.
Of course, that isn’t what the medical professionals told me. They said that her heart stopped working and that would have happened no wonder what I did. But I don’t believe that, I can’t. They are just saying it to try and make me feel better. But nothing will ever make me feel okay again. I’m floating, spiraling, losing control.
I want to run, I need to escape all of this, I want to be far, far away. I don’t know why I haven’t yet.
“Now, Zoe,” Andy declares in a soft spoken tone as I take a seat opposite him. “Why are you here?”
“What… what do you mean?” I blink a few times, trying to get rid of the tears. “I’m here to work.”
“But your grandmother has just passed away. There isn’t any need for you to be here.”
He folds his hands together and stares at me. I can tell that he’s trying to be sympathetic and open minded. He wants me to spill open my heart to him so that he can try and make me feel better, but I can’t. I’m raw, exposed, numb, upset, angry, sad, guilty… I’m overwhelmed by emotions so I wouldn’t know where to start.
“I don’t know where to be,” I admit while shrugging my shoulders. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Well, we will cope here without you. You don’t need to worry about that. You can take as much time off as you need and your job will always be here waiting for you. I just want you to be okay. There isn’t anything more important to me than the mental health of my employees, and right now, that includes you.”
New York. Jessica’s offer pops in to my mind, and to be honest I want to go for it more than ever. It’s a great way to get away from here, from everyone who has treated me like shit. Now that I don’t have my grandma as my anchor here, there isn’t any reason for me to be here. Why should I stay? What is here for me?
“So, I can have some time off?” I ask Andy quietly. “For longer than just the funeral.”
He pauses for a second before answering me. “I know what it’s like here at the moment. I see how toxic it is. I know that there are some serious changes that need to be made, and you don’t need to be here while I sort everything out. You can go and get yourself in a better place. I can get here organized.”
The way that he’s saying this, it’s almost like he wants me to go. He needs me out of the picture so he can sort out the toxic environment which works out well for me. Unless he just doesn’t want me here because of the rumors to do with me and him. Not that it matters, as long as I’m out, that’s all I care about. Jessica will be happy that I am finally coming to visit her, and it will probably be for the best that I take the space to sort my head out.
I need to figure out what to do next. Where I want my life to go, how I am going to raise my child…
A fresh wave of tears over comes me as I realize that I never even told my grandma about the baby. I didn’t get the chance to. I was keeping it from her, so I didn’t pile on any stress, but maybe I should have let her know because I’m not really alone, am I? Eventually, I will have a child to love me. I will have a family. While I’m sure that Grandma wouldn’t have been too impressed by the situation that has brought me here, I’m sure it would be good for her to know that I’m not going to be completely by myself. She shouldn’t have died not knowing…
“Oh no, I’m sorry, Zoe.” Funny, for a man who wanted me to open up to him, now that I’m showing some real emotion, he’s panicking I can see it in his eyes. This is a bit much for him. “I think it might be best if you go home now. Have some time and get sorted. Just keep in touch and let me know how things are going.”
I rise from my seat and grab a tissue to wipe my tears away, not that it’s much good since I’m completely soaked, before I nod and walk away. I guess I should just be glad that Andy is being so understanding. Not a lot of bosses would allow me to have all that time after just been given a promotion.
Urgh, the promotion. To think about all the drama that has caused. It’s ridiculous. Such a childish notion. When it comes to really what is and isn’t important in life, that isn’t it. I don’t give a shit about any of it. Right now, all I want to do is get through the next five minutes without falling apart again. Without seeing the image of my poor dead grandmother, and the fresh wave of knowledge that I will never get to see her again.
“Oh God, Zoe, are you okay?” Hannah is the first person to rush to my side. “This is about your grandma, isn’t it? I just heard that she died. I’m so sorry. You must be really upset.”
She throws her arms around me, and because I’m so desperate for some human contact to comfort me, I allow her to do so. I lean in to her and sob harder just because it’s nice to have someone care.
“Oh, Zoe, this is awful. We all feel so bad for you. You didn’t deserve this.”
As I cry, something else comes flying back in to my brain. Words that stab through me a bit like a blade.
“Well, she has been sleeping with Andy for ages now, which is how she ended up promoted.”
I shudder violently, allowing these words to sting me more than they should do. This person, the girl who is being kind to me right now, telling me that I deserve better is the one who said disgusting things about me.
“But I walked in on them. She was under his desk giving him a blow job.”
I pull back and stare at her, wondering what side of Hannah is the truth. Is it the kind person who is trying to make me feel better right now? The one who is looking after me when everyone else is too scared to in case I sob like a damn baby all over them… or is it the bitch who tried her hardest to ruin my life?
“I guess some people are willing to do whatever it takes to get to the job. However horrific it is. Personally, I think that she is an absolute fool for going anywhere near him…”
She said those things. I heard her with my own ears. She might look genuine now, but I don’t buy in to it. I can’t. I have been sucked in by her too many times. I’m not going to now. That isn’t what my grandmother would want for me. That woman was a fire cracker through all of her life and I need to follow in her footsteps.
“Fuck you,” I whisper to Hannah. “Go fuck yourself you nasty bitch.”
“What?” She steps away from me with her eyebrows in her hair. “What did you just say?”
“You heard me. You know exactly what I said. Don’t come over here and pretend to be my friend when I know that you aren’t. Don’t act like you give a shit when you’re glad to see the back of me.”
Hannah glances around to try and seek reassurance from other people that I have lost my mind.
“Look, I know that you’re hurting,” she says with a tremor in her voice. “But that isn’t my fault.”
“Oh, I know that my grandma dying has nothing to do with you. But everything else does.” The anger is the only emotion coming through now. Everything that I have bottled away comes flying to the fore front. I don’t have even a scrap of control over myself. “You have been playing a game with everyone here, treating us all like pawns. I don’t know what you wanted from the promotion really, what your angle wa
s, but I am out.”
“Woah.” She holds up her hands in a surrendering gesture. “I have only been your friend. I wanted to support you. I am glad that you got promoted. I thought that it would be awesome. I don’t get where any of this is coming from. If I have done something to hurt you, then I’m sorry. I didn’t want that at all.”
All of sudden, I become acutely aware of everyone around us, staring at us. The way that they are looking at me and Hannah is like she is the reasonable one, and I’m the one who has lost my mind. I guess it probably does sound that way to everyone who doesn’t know what’s going on. I have gone crazy because I’ve lost my family and I’m yelling at poor innocent Hannah who has just tried to support me…
Well, fuck them. Fuck all of them. I don’t need any of them to care about me. Even Wesley. I haven’t met his eyes yet, but I can sense the stare of disgust coming from him which is the last thing that I want to process right now. I just want to go. To head to New York and not just for a short break but for good. Maybe the big city won’t transform me and turn me in to this amazingly well rounded person, but it isn’t here. Anywhere but here would be good for me because this place is like being in fucking hell. The worst of the worst.
I could go and stay with Jessica for a while, then maybe get my own place there. Or somewhere else, who the hell knows. The world is my oyster now, I don’t need to be here, I can do whatever I want. Maybe after some time, I will want to come back here to prove to all of these assholes that I am better than them and I can’t take them down, but right now, I just want out. So, without another second of hesitation, I gather up my belongings and I stalk towards the exit. Someone yells something behind me, Hannah I think, but I don’t turn back.
It’s like a weight has been lifted as I walk away from this place. Like my shoulders can unfurl just a little bit. Okay, so the problems aren’t really going anywhere, they are coming with me, but I don’t have to face those assholes anymore. Those toxic bullshit people who are the worst of the worst.
Good luck with that, Andy, I think sarcastically as I get far enough away to finally think. Good luck trying to sort out that bullshit. I don’t hold out any hope that you can sort this out.
Chapter 17 - Wesley
What the fuck? I don’t know what just happened, but I am freaking the fuck out. All of that was just so messy and now Zoe is gone, and Hannah is parading around the office like the innocent victim who has been targeted for absolutely no reason. I screw my fists up in anger and distress as I try to work this out.
“Can you believe that?” she finally gets to me and Hannah throws her hands in the air in distress. “What a bitch. Why would she just freak out like that? I was only trying to be nice. Why would I be horrible after her grandma just died? I get that she’s upset, but she shouldn’t take it out on me, should she?”
Those words spike a realization in me. Of course she’s freaking out if she lost her only family member left alive. Shit. It doesn’t matter what else has happened, she needs someone right now. So, without answering Hannah, I turn on my heels and I run towards the door. I need to just check on her, for all of the good times that we’ve had, for all the times that it felt real, and also because it’s the right thing to do.
“Zoe!” I cry out as soon as the fresh air hits me. “Zoe, don’t go. Where are you?”
For a moment, I fear that I have left it too long and she’s gone, but then I catch a glimpse of her blonde hair. Panic zig zags through me as I pick up the pace, running faster than I have ever gone before to catch up with her. I don’t know if Zoe hasn’t heard me or if she’s ignoring me, but she refuses to turn around.
“Zoe, please.” I reach out and touch her shoulder, which causes her to snap around. “Talk to me.”
“I don’t want to talk to you.” She angrily brushes some tears away. “I have nothing to say to you.”
“Please, Zoe, you are hurting. I know that you’re mad at me, but just talk to me a moment. It’s really sad that your grandma has passed away. I know how painful that must be for you. I can help you…”
“I don’t need your help. I don’t need anyone’s help. I just need to get away.”
“You’re going?” I can’t stop the disappointment from crushing through me. “How long for?”
“Andy said that I can have all the time that I want so I can get my head in order.”
Woah. Now that is nice. Andy has been good to Zoe through this which is a little surprising to say the least. Not that he’s a bad guy, but that is overly nice. Then again it could be to do with the rumors and the fact that his marriage is being affected by this. Maybe he doesn’t want to have her here while he sorts things out.
“Right, so… so you’re leaving. But do you really want to go fallen out with everyone?”
“I don’t want to talk to Hannah, if that’s what you mean.” She folds her arms defiantly across her chest. “She has done too much to hurt me. I said everything that I wanted to inside and now I’m done. With everyone.”
Fucking hell, this is bad. It seems like Hannah has been doing a lot of manipulating behind the scenes which I guess is something to be expected. I pretty much knew that about her. But I still don’t know the truth about Zoe in all of this and I guess this isn’t really the time and place to ask her. Her grandmother has just died and she’s in an emotional place. I will have to just keep myself calm and deal with this in the proper way.
“Do you want me to give you a ride here?” I ask her curiously. “Get you away?”
“No, no way.” She shakes her head violently. “Not a chance in hell. You have been a dick to me.”
“No, I know that!” I jump in instantly. “I have been an asshole. I’m sorry about that. It’s all been a little bit confusing to me. I don’t want to drag everything up again, but… well, look, none of that matters now.” I shake my head quickly. “It doesn’t matter. I just want to help you. That’s all. So, please, there isn’t much else that I can do. Let me give you a ride. Let me… take you home or whatever. Get you away from here.”
Her eyes flicker between me and the work building, and I can see her debating this. The fact that she is even considering it gives me hope. After everything I just want to be good and help the tiniest amount. She deserves some assistance. She needs something from me. I will give her whatever I can give her.
“I don’t want to go anywhere with you, Wesley, I’m sorry. I don’t want anything to do with anyone from this place. I just need some time to walk and sort my head out. Everything has been a lot today.”
“But I have been through similar things,” I insist. “I lost my parents, so I can talk…”
“It isn’t just that. It isn’t at all. I have got so much more going on. You couldn’t possibly understand any of it, Wesley, and I really don’t really have the time to explain it to you. I need to get out of here.”
She turns and walks away, her feet clapping along the floor as she goes because she’s stomping so hard. I stand there and watch her walk away, my heart pounding as she does. It tugs at me, pulls at every part of me, and makes me crumble hard. I feel like I should let her go because it’s clearly what she wants, but at the same time I’m scared that if I let her go then I will never see her again. I don’t know why my gut is so convinced of that.
“Don’t go!” my voice cries out before I have really decided what I’m going to do. “Stay. Fight.”
“Fight who?” she cries back without even looking at me. “I shouldn’t have to fight. Work isn’t about that.”
Huh, she’s right. I guess I have forgotten that in all of the drama that has been going on. Work isn’t supposed to be a battle field, but somehow, that’s what it is has become. Court and Hannah have turned it in to that and it has my head spinning so much that I don’t know what I should and shouldn’t believe anymore.
“I will help you,” I insist. “I will support you. I know that I haven’t, but I will.”
She turns to look at me this time with sheer hatred in h
er eyes. I don’t think there has been a time where I have ever been so confused in my whole damn life. She has my head all over the place.
“I can’t trust you,” she snaps. “I can’t trust anyone in that place. You have all betrayed me. You especially. We had something. We really did. Or at least I thought that we did, but then all that shit happened.”
“Shit? Look, I don’t know what happened when it came to the promotion, but we can talk about it.”
I break off panting, desperate, and needy. I really don’t want her to walk away without us at least trying to sort this out. I have no idea if there is anything to salvage but if we don’t try then I’m sure it will be a mistake. My stomach is flip flopping, telling me that if I’m not careful I will end up falling in the wrong way.
“There isn’t anything for us to talk about, Wesley. That time has passed. It’s too late now. When we could have been talking, you have been out getting wasted with Court and Hannah, hooking up with other people…”
“I haven’t…” I start, but it seems like Zoe has no intention of letting me speak.
“It doesn’t matter what you have or haven’t been doing. You haven’t been there for me when I needed you. You turned your back on me and chose not to even speak to me about things. You didn’t even give me a chance. You just decided what you thought was the truth and that was the end of it.”
“Okay, I get it.” I nod emphatically. “I was a dick. But I’m here now. Tell me now. Talk to me now.”
“So, I have to do it on your terms?” she shoots back. “When I have too much other stuff going on? No, Wesley. You don’t rule the fucking world. You can’t control me. I am not going to work with your schedule. I am going now, like I have already told you, and if I decide that I want to talk to you at some other point then I will.”
