by Brenda Ford
“If you do that then you are being just as bad as me,” I snap back, the frustration getting to me. “Don’t act like you are being all mature and like I am the one who has refused to talk. Because I might have been a shit, but I’m here now and I’m trying. Yet you are the one who has chosen to walk away from me.”
“My grandma died this morning, you asshole,” she screams at me, proving to me like I have said the wrong thing. “How dare you come at me like that? What the fuck is wrong with you? You know what, you have just proven to me that getting away from here is the best thing to do. Really getting away from here, I mean. For good. So, I guess my shitty little ‘plan’ back fired, whatever the hell that was supposed to be, and I am walking away from the job that has caused me so many issues. You want it, you have it. Congratulations, manager. If only that had happened in the first place, then maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess now.”
“What do you mean? I don’t need the job. You earned it. Andy gave it to you for a reason.”
“So, now you are happy for me? Wow, a little too late, Wesley.”
“But I am happy for you. Maybe I was childish at the time, but I had just heard all the rumors…”
“Heard them, but you didn’t come to me and ask me about them, did you?” she sneers. “You just chose to turn your back on me and what we shared. So, now you don’t get to be mad when I do the same to you.”
I don’t know what she’s trying to say, but I can’t let her walk away from me without asking. It isn’t he right time, but if I don’t do it soon then I don’t know if I will ever get the chance.
“But what about the baby?” I call to her back. “What’s going on there?”
“Ha ha,” she yells back sarcastically, her nastiness cutting right through to my bones. “Very funny. I thought that we had already established that there is no baby.”
“But I thought that you said it was all rumors… that Hannah is a two faced liar…”
“You are too. So, you can be two faced liars together.”
“But I’m not! I just didn’t know what was going on…”
“Well, now you know. You have won and you have no ties to me anymore. Well done you.”
Fuck. She really has gone now. Leaving me with no answers at all. I have to just assume that if there is a baby, she will let me know when she’s less angry. She wouldn’t do that. There probably isn’t anyway. I can’t get lost in her sadness and convince myself that there haven’t been all of these issues. Maybe a clean break would be the best thing for the pair of us.
Chapter 18 - Zoe
I hold on to my stomach, pouring all of my love into my little baby, and finally feeling a little better about the world and all of my decisions. I have had some time to think about it all now, and this is definitely, one hundred percent, the right thing for me to do. Sorting out my grandma’s funeral and all of her belongings, packing up her life and then my own, has been good for me. It’s made me see that I have given everything of myself that I can to this place, and I haven’t gotten anything back, so a fresh start is the best thing for me.
It’s what my grandmother would want for me, all of my family would want. No one would want me to stay in a toxic environment where it constantly feels like my life is crashing in around me. I wouldn’t want that for anyone else so I know that anyone who gives a shit about me would want better for me too.
I have the money from the sale of my grandmother’s house to get me started, plus the help of Jessica, so I think that New York will be the best thing for me. Me and my baby are going to have the best start in life. Yes, of course I feel horrible that my child’s father won’t be in the picture, but he hasn’t made any effort with me at all. He must have known that I was being sarcastic when I told him that there wasn’t a baby, Wesley must be smart enough to realize that the rumors are a load of shit, but he doesn’t care enough to reach out.
Well, if our baby isn’t enough for him to pull his head out of his ass and to change his ways then it will never happen. In which case, we are much better off without him. We will live our best life without any sign of him at all. Plenty of people raise children alone and they do a damn fine job of it, so I can too. He has had days to reach out and even attempt to speak to me, and he hasn’t taken that chance, so now he has lost it.
I guess I will always keep the same cell phone number to give him the chance if he ever changes his mind. Not for me and him, that is dead and done, but for our baby. Not that I’m going to hold out hope.
I glance at the departure board, willing for my flight to be announced already because I’m on edge, excited to get the hell out of here and on with my life, but there isn’t anything yet. I guess I’m stuck here for a little while longer. The only problem with being stuck here is the terror that something will happen to prevent me from leaving. I don’t know what, but I have horrible visions of someone running to the airport to stop me.
But who? Not Wesley. There isn’t any chance of that. He doesn’t even know that I’m here. Nor does anyone else. Nor can I imagine anyone else wanting to stop me. Perhaps my ex fiancé… but is that realistic either? If he didn’t want to marry me then I don’t think he’s going to care that I’m leaving. I don’t think he ever cared.
God, how have I gone from failure to failure? How does that happen? This isn’t just one life fuck up, but a whole bunch of them. An endless array of things going wrong. Much as I do blame the other people in my life for the parts that they have played in all of this, I blame myself more. I am the one who invited them in, who allowed all of this to happen, who should have been smarter and better.
Well, in New York, I will be. I will keep Jessica close and everyone else at arm’s length. If a job seems toxic, then I will walk away however good the actual work is. And most importantly, I will keep far away from any man. There isn’t anyone worth going through all of this pain for again, and since my judgement can’t be trusted then it’s definitely for the best. No man would want me when I’m pregnant anyway and I highly doubt that dating as a single mom is easy, but that’s good because I am not interested at all. No man can change my mind.
Finally, my gate comes up on the screen and I grab up all of my belongings. I only have the one suit case thank goodness because I have shipped most of my stuff, allowing me to travel light. There’s a smile on my face, the first genuine one since my grandma passed away, and I feel myself looking forward to what’s coming next.
Walking towards the gate, I hold my head up high, I jut my chin out, and I keep my shoulders rolled back. Funny how I can look strong and confident, the way that a boss is supposed to, when I’m walking away from my managerial role. Not that I have officially handed in my resignation yet, but I don’t want to speak to Andy again until I’m far away and feeling safe from the company. Then I can thank him for everything that he has done for me, all the opportunities that he has given me, but tell him that I have changed my mind and I’m not coming back. Because I’m sure that once I set foot on that plane, this place will be behind me for good. Forever.
Thank God for Jessica, I think to myself as a grin wider. I’m so glad I have her. I don’t know what I would do without her now. At least I know for sure that I won’t ever have to find out. She will always be around for me. If she has stuck around from high school until now despite the fact that we have been in different cities, then I know that me and her will be friends forever. Just what I need right now to get me through this.
The flight is going to be busy. Judging by the amount of people sitting at my gate, there are a lot of us wanting to escape to New York. I glance at everyone, wondering who is going back home, who is heading out on vacation, what stages of their lives that they are in, what this plane ride means to them. I don’t know if there is anyone else like me, just trying to run away from everything that they have built, all that they thought was good for them, but that’s okay. I might be the only one, but it doesn’t feel any less right.
I stand on the edges of the passengers,
in the place where I have always been, on the outside looking in. Only this time I have put myself there on purpose. I don’t feel like I have been shoved to one side by everyone else. I will find my place in the world, the spot where I fit in, where I’m happy. I thought that I had that with Wesley, but that was just my silly emotions getting the better of me. It’s probably just because he is the one and only person, I have had sex with. I got caught up with the physical and emotional. A mistake that is usually made by teenagers with their first crush. I’m just a little behind because I decided to wait.
Of course, being pregnant and having a permanent attachment to that man forever doesn’t help. But it doesn’t mean that we need to be connected forever in real life. Just biologically. It will be fine; we will be okay.
But teenagers get over the heart break and I’m a lot more emotionally stable than I was back then. So, I will do it too. I will do whatever my child needs of me to give us the best life without him.
It’s a relief when the flight attendants call us all over to get on to the plane. I know that I won’t be able to fully relax until I’m sitting on that plane and it is up in the air. Until my ass hits that chair, I’m in danger. But the queue is moving now and soon we will all be on board. As I wait, I slide my cell phone out of my pocket, just to check my messages before I switch it off, and of course there aren’t any. Even after my outburst at work, no one has bothered to contact me. No one cares enough about me. I’m sure that they are all rallying around Hannah right now, relishing in her drama and her hurt that I caused her. She’s good at playing that game.
You know what? I tell myself determinedly. I need to cut all ties right now. This second.
Just before I reach the desk and I make the next step on to the plane, I call Andy. This is something that I was going to do once I reached New York, but I don’t want to bring any of that baggage with me. I want my step on to the flight to be my last dealings with here. I know that I’m not coming back, so why wait?
“Hello, Zoe?” he sounds unsure to hear from me, like he doesn’t know what’s coming. “How are you?”
“Don’t worry, I’m not coming back,” I snap back sarcastically. “You don’t need to worry about me stirring up drama here, even though I only even came in to the office to work hard for you. In fact, what I’m doing is calling you to say that I’m not coming back at all. I resign. I can’t work for you or in that toxic environment again. I’m sure that you appreciate that. So, give the promotion to Wesley.” I hate the way that his name gets suck in my throat. He still causes me emotional distress even now. “He deserves it and let everyone else carry on. Good luck to you, Andy because I think that you are going to need it. I am out.”
He says something to me, but I don’t hear it because I end the call and switch my phone off rapidly. It feels good to stuff it back in my bag knowing that is done now. It’s over, I’m finally free.
“That was brave,” the woman behind me says, nearly making me jump. “Just quitting like that.”
“Oh, well… it was coming for a long time.” I smile thinly. “It shouldn’t be a surprise.”
“Still, most people accept their lot in life even if they don’t like it because they are afraid that they can’t do any better. But you don’t seem that way to me.” She cocks her head one side and examines me closely. I keep my confident façade on, wanting at least someone in the world to see me as a strong person. Even if it is this stranger. “You seem like you know what you want, and you go for it. That’s to be admired.”
“Well, I’m more just running away from what I don’t want,” I admit, unable to completely cover myself up. “But yes, I hope that I’m being strong and brave. I hope this isn’t a mistake.”
“Oh, I’m sure it won’t be. I bet this will be the best thing to ever happen to you.”
God, I hope that she’s right. And as I show my passport and boarding pass before boarding the plane, I feel like she is. I feel like leaving all of this behind can never be something that I regret. I don’t even glance backwards as I go. I just keep moving forwards. Forwards towards a brand new life. Towards New York and happiness.
Chapter 19 - Wesley
Five Years Later…
“Good job this week, Wesley,” Andy declares while patting me on the back. “Figures are up again. Just like they have been for the last five years. Steadily rising and all because of you. Promoting you was the best thing that I ever could have done for this company. I don’t know what we would do without you now.”
I bite down on my bottom lip so as not to let any complaints out. I can’t still bitch that I was second choice for the role, not now after all of these years. Especially not when Andy has already admitted that he was wrong about my maturity levels and that actually I was able to handle it well. Much better than Zoe could have done. Just because she was a couple of years older than me, didn’t make her a better more well-rounded person.
God, I hate the way that her name still causes a tightness to my chest, even now. It still just winds me up that I allowed myself to be coerced by her games and her lies. That I got caught up in her baby game. Thank goodness that all imploded and she moved away before anything could get even more complex between us. I have to think what game would have come next. A fake miscarriage, a pretend abortion just to punish me, who the hell knows.
Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. I’m twenty five years old and a much smarter person than I was back then.
“You just have to rule with an iron fist, Andy, I keep telling you that,” I tell him with a little laugh. “That’s the only way to keep these yahoos in check. That’s the only way to get anything done.”
“I know, I know, I have always been weaker than you. But that’s what makes us a good team.”
I toss my head back and laugh loudly. The fact that he thinks we are a team is crazy. I am the only one who really gets anything done around here, he just sits in the background now and signs paper work every now and again. But I don’t care, that’s how I like it. That’s how I have always wanted it to be. As long as my salary reflects what I bring to the business and everyone listens to me, all is good as far as I am concerned.
And pretty much everyone does listen and respect me, so I have it good. It wasn’t always that way, but a few official warnings followed by some firings got everything exactly where I need it to be. Now, I ask for things to be done and they get done. This is why the numbers are so good. Because of me.
“Well, I will leave you to it.” Andy pats me on the arm. “Just, er, let me know if you need me.”
Like that will ever happen. I don’t need him at all, and he knows that. That’s why he’s offering. But I nod. I nod as if I agree with what he’s telling me, then I turn back to get on with my work. Or at least I try to, but this afternoon there is a weirdness to the atmosphere, and I know exactly where it is coming from. Where it’s always coming from. Court and Hannah, the real poison in this office. Unfortunately, they are too clever, and they never get caught doing anything that could get them fired. I’m sure that they still stir shit up and spread rumors, I can feel them whispering about me right now, but they never do anything that I can prove. Which is why they are still here. I have spoken to Andy about getting rid of them in the past, but he hasn’t ever agreed to it.
Sometimes, I wonder if they have something over him. Something real, not just a rumor. But I suppose that’s just one of those things that I will never get to really know because he will never tell me.
I glare over in their direction, making Hannah giggle nastily. I can’t believe that once upon a time I was friends with those guys, in the middle of the bitching with them, thinking that going out with them and drinking away my worries was the best way to deal with things. I can’t believe that it seemed like Court wanted to set me and Hannah up. Thankfully, I never would have gone along with that, Hannah isn’t for me, but I’m still annoyed at myself for getting involved with them at all. My head must have been all over the place. What was I thinking
?
But I have grown up now. The last five years have been important ones to me. I’m not the same person that I was when I befriended them. Not even close, but they haven’t changed at all. They are scarily the same. Still drinking all the time, coming in to work hung over, screwing around and apparently fucking one another too,
“Anything you want to say?” I call across to Hannah, refusing to be intimidated. That’s how she gets her power, or so she thinks, by making people afraid to be her next target. “Hmm? Or can we get some work done?”
“You used to be fun, you know?” She rolls her eyes dramatically. “Before you were promoted.”
“I have grown up. I realize how important it is to get work done,” I snap back. “And I didn’t used to be fun. I went out with you for a couple of nights. That’s it. So, don’t act like we were friends.”
“Oh, don’t you worry about that. I will never consider myself a friend of you.”
She wants to hurt me, and she probably thinks that she is, but what she doesn’t realize is that no one can hurt me anymore. Five years ago, after I watched Zoe walk out of my life and I realized once and for all that I was an idiot for her, I switched everything off so no one can cause me pain again. I am done. So, she can do what she wants, act however she chooses, say what she wants about me. I’m not going to care. I am done.
Why the hell did I think that coming out to dinner with Brad and Angelo after work was going to be a good idea? In what universe did I assume that this would make me feel better? As much as being at work sucks, being around my family is just as difficult. Despite all the difficulties that they have had in their lives, particularly their romantic lives, all five of my brothers have their own amazing happy ever after’s now. Wives, children, families of their own… it’s great. For them. Not so much for me. I still remember a time when we all still lived in the mansion that our parents left us when they died, and it wasn’t that long ago. Brad was just turning thirty five before everything got all complicated and everything changed. All of us left one by one for our own reasons. We might all still live in the same area, so we all get to see each other enough, but it isn’t the same.
