Pong!

by Alan MacDonald

“Yes, but I’m not with either of them,” said Bertie. “You put me with Warren and Trevor. There must be a mistake.”

  Miss Boot shook her head. “I have split you up because you are always in trouble, Bertie. Especially when you’re with your friends. Now you will sleep where you’re told, is that clear?”

  “But Miss, we won’t cause any trouble,” argued Bertie.

  “I said no!” snapped Miss Boot. “Now go and sit down. And Bertie – my room is right opposite yours, so I shall be keeping an eye on you.”

  Bertie drooped back to his seat. It was so unfair! What was the point of going on a school trip if you weren’t allowed to enjoy yourself?

  CHAPTER 2

  Finally they arrived at Barnswood. Bertie didn’t have time to think about rooms because there was far too much going on. After lunch they had a go on the rope walk, then tackled the climbing wall. Bertie was the first to get right to the top. Know-All Nick got halfway up, then came over all dizzy and had to be rescued. Miss Boot did not try the climbing wall. She claimed she wasn’t wearing the right shoes.

  It wasn’t until after supper that Bertie remembered which room he was in. Miss Boot announced they should all get an early night as they had a busy day tomorrow. Bertie looked around as everyone trooped off to bed. Who would notice if he sneaked off to Darren and Eugene’s room for a while? He put up his hood and followed his friends out of the dining hall.

  “Goodnight, children!” sang Miss Darling.

  “Goodnight, Miss Darling!” chorused the class.

  “Night!” mumbled Bertie, as he hurried past.

  “BERTIE!” roared Miss Boot. “WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING?”

  “Um, to my room,” said Bertie.

  “Your room is that way,” said Miss Boot, pointing. “And remember, I am in the room opposite. If I catch you out of bed there’ll be trouble!”

  One hour later, Bertie lay on the top bunk staring at the ceiling. He wasn’t tired. After all, it was only ten o’clock. How was he meant to go to sleep this early? If Darren and Eugene were here they’d all be telling jokes and scoffing crisps. He poked his head over the bunk.

  “Psssst! Anyone awake?”

  No answer.

  “Trevor!”

  “What is it?” groaned Trevor.

  “I’m hungry!” said Bertie.

  Trevor sighed. “Go to sleep!”

  “I can’t, I’m starving. I only had six slices of pizza.”

  Trevor rolled over and pretended to sleep. Warren sniffled in the other bed.

  “I know,” said Bertie. “Let’s raid the kitchen!”

  “Nooo!” bleated Trevor.

  “Why not?”

  “We’ll get in trouble!”

  “Not if we don’t get caught,” said Bertie.

  “Miss Boot said we have to go to sleep,” said Trevor.

  Bertie sighed. Trevor was about as much fun as a flat tyre. And Warren was even worse; why couldn’t he stop sniffling?

  “What’s the matter with you?” asked Bertie.

  “I … I don’t like it here!” sobbed Warren.

  “Why not?”

  “I WANT MY TEDDY!” wailed Warren. “I WANT TO GO HOME!”

  Bertie rolled his eyes. This was the worst night ever. He bet Darren and Eugene were having loads of fun.

  Along the corridor, Nick’s room-mates were keeping him awake.

  “I know! Let’s play the dare game!” said Darren.

  “NOO!” groaned Nick. “Miss Boot said we have to go to sleep.”

  “Don’t be a wimp,” said Darren. “Who’s going first?”

  “Nickerless!” cried Eugene.

  “Stop calling me that!” moaned Nick.

  “I’ve got one,” said Darren. “I dare you to knock on Miss Boot’s door and run away.”

  Nick turned pale. “No way!”

  “Go on, scaredy-cat,” said Darren.

  “You can’t make me,” whined Nick. “I’m not playing. I’m going to sleep!”

  “Okay.” Darren smiled to himself. “Let’s all go to sleep.”

  There was a short silence.

  “SNORK!”

  Darren snored like a pig. Eugene burst out laughing. Nick hid his head under his pillow. Three nights of this was more than he could bear.

  CHAPTER 3

  Next morning, Bertie joined Darren and Eugene at breakfast.

  “So how was last night?” asked Eugene.

  Bertie groaned. “Terrible!”

  “Same here,” nodded Darren. “Know-All Nick never stops moaning.”

  “You should try being in my room,” said Bertie. “Warren cries himself to sleep.”

  “That’s nothing. Nick tried to make us tidy our room,” said Eugene.

  Bertie shook his head. This was ridiculous. He hated the room he was in and so did Nick. If only they could swap places they’d both be happy. He glanced over. Nick was sitting by himself, sulking.

  “Hey, Nick,” said Bertie, sliding into the seat next to him.

  Nick scowled. “What do you want?”

  “I just wondered how you’re getting on with your room-mates?”

  Nick toyed with his cereal. “They’re idiots,” he said. “They kept me awake all night.”

  Bertie nodded. “I expect you’d rather be with Trevor and Warren.”

  “At least they wouldn’t put crisps in my bed,” grumped Nick.

  Bertie tried not to laugh. “So listen,” he said, “why don’t you and me swap rooms?”

  Nick gave him a look. “How? Miss Boot won’t let us.”

  “But she doesn’t have to know,” said Bertie.

  “She’ll know,” said Nick.

  “Not if we all keep our mouths shut.”

  Nick shook his head. “It’ll never work,” he sighed. “Miss Boot will find out. She can read your mind.”

  Bertie gave up. He was wasting his time. Nick never risked getting in trouble. He didn’t even dare blow his nose without Miss Boot’s permission. The only way he’d ever change rooms was if he sleepwalked in the night. Bertie’s eyes suddenly lit up. Wait a minute – that wasn’t such a bad idea!

  “Well?” asked Darren, when Bertie returned. “What did he say?”

  Bertie shook his head. “He’s too chicken – but don’t worry, I’ve got a brilliant idea.”

  It was almost midnight. The corridors were silent. In Room Seven the only sound was Know-All Nick snoring.

  TAP! TAP! Someone knocked softly on the door.

  “Who is it?” whispered Eugene.

  “It’s me, you fool!” answered Bertie. “Is he asleep?”

  “Yes! Not so loud!”

  Bertie crept in. They woke up Darren and gathered round Nick’s bed.

  “So how are we going to move him?” asked Darren.

  “Simple. Carry him,” replied Bertie.

  “Don’t be stupid. He’s bound to wake up,” said Darren.

  “No he won’t,” said Bertie. “Not if we carry him on his mattress. He won’t feel a thing.”

  They squatted down and lifted the mattress off the bed. Nick was a lot heavier than Bertie had expected. He weighed a ton.

  “Let’s go,” he grunted. “Whatever you do, don’t drop him!”

  They lugged Nick out of the room. It was a tight fit squeezing the mattress through the door. Bertie went first, walking backwards, while Darren and Eugene carried the other end.

  “How far is it?” moaned Darren.

  “Not far,” said Bertie. “Keep moving!”

  They staggered down the gloomy corridor, puffing and panting. Bertie backed into a wall. “OWW!” he yelled.

  “Sshh!” hissed Darren.

  They all froze. If Miss Boot discovered them now they were dead.

  “Look where you’re going!” hissed Eugene.

  “I am! You try walking backwards!” replied Bertie.

  When they turned the corner, the corridor became even darker – there was no light at all.

  “Ber
tie! Which one’s your room?” whispered Darren.

  Bertie looked round. He blinked. In the pitch black he could hardly see the doors let alone read the numbers. Which room was his?

  “Hurry up!” groaned Darren. “My arms are dropping off!”

  Bertie tried to remember. Was it the door on the right or the left?

  “This one,” he said, making a decision. He leaned on the door handle.

  CREEEEAK!

  They shuffled in carrying the mattress. Nick didn’t seem half so heavy now. Bertie peered around the room. Oddly it seemed bigger than he remembered.

  “Where’s Nick?” gasped Eugene.

  “What?” said Bertie.

  “Nick. He’s not there!”

  They all stared at the empty mattress.

  “Yikes!” said Darren. “We’ve lost him!”

  CHAPTER 4

  They found Nick lying in the corridor. He must have slid off the mattress when Bertie leaned over to open the door. By a miracle he was still snoring like a baby. They heaved him on to the mattress and got him back into the bedroom. It was dark apart from a little light leaking through the curtains.

  “Where do we put him?” whispered Darren.

  Bertie blinked in the darkness. Again he had the feeling the room had grown bigger. And where were the bunk beds? In any case, he couldn’t carry Nick any further. They dumped him on the floor.

  “Let’s get out before anyone comes!” whispered Bertie.

  “Look at these!”

  Eugene flapped something in his face – a gigantic pair of pink knickers. Bertie stared. Funny, he didn’t remember Trevor or Warren wearing pink knickers. Unless … he swung round. On the bedside table lay a make-up bag, some earrings and a pair of glasses he knew all too well.

  “We’re in the wrong room!” he gasped.

  “What?” said Darren.

  “This is Miss Boot’s room!”

  Sure enough there were two single beds. In one slept Miss Darling and in the other was the massive shape of Miss Boot.

  “What shall we do?” squeaked Eugene.

  There was only one thing to do.

  “RUN!” cried Bertie.

  They rushed for the door. In their panic Darren stepped on something.

  “ARRRRGHHH!” Know-All Nick woke up with a yell.

  The noise woke the two teachers. Miss Boot shot upright in bed. She fumbled for her glasses.

  “WHO’S THERE?” she bellowed.

  But Bertie and his friends didn’t wait to explain. They bolted out of the door and raced down the corridor back to their rooms.

  Miss Boot finally found the light. CLICK!

  “HELP!” screamed Miss Darling. “WHAT’S THAT?”

  On the floor was a mattress with a small lump trembling under a duvet. Miss Boot grabbed the duvet and pulled it off. Know-All Nick stared back at her in bug-eyed terror.

  “IT WASN’T ME!” he wailed.

  The next morning, Bertie was summoned to see Miss Boot at breakfast. She wasn’t in a good mood.

  “Where were you last night?” she snapped.

  “Me?” said Bertie innocently. “I was in bed.”

  “The whole time?”

  “Yes.”

  “You didn’t leave your room?”

  “No,” said Bertie. “I was really sleepy. Did I miss anything?”

  Miss Boot searched his face to see if he could be lying.

  “I found Nicholas in my room,” she said.

  “Really?” said Bertie. “Nicholas?”

  “Yes, he claims he has no idea how he got there.”

  Bertie shook his head. “That’s weird!”

  Miss Boot narrowed her eyes.

  “I suppose you don’t know anything about it?” she said.

  Bertie shook his head. “Maybe he sleepwalks?”

  “Hmm,” said Miss Boot. She sighed wearily. “Anyway, I need to keep an eye on Nicholas, so I’m moving him in with Warren and Trevor.”

  “Oh?” said Bertie.

  “Yes, you will have to move out,” said Miss Boot. “There’s a bed in Darren and Eugene’s room. I’m sure you don’t mind?”

  “Mind?” said Bertie. “Um, no, not at all.”

  “Good. That’s settled then,” said Miss Boot. “Off you go.”

  Bertie scarpered before Miss Boot had second thoughts.

  Darren and Eugene were waiting for him anxiously.

  “Well?” asked Darren. “What did she say?”

  Bertie gave them a big thumbs up.

  “Midnight feasts here we come!”

  CHAPTER 1

  It was lunchtime. Bertie and his friends zoomed across the playground. Bertie was Rocketman swooping out of the sky.

  “NEEEEEEOWWWWW!”

  He whizzed past Miss Skinner and Miss Boot and jumped on Know-All Nick.

  “Thought you could escape, eh?”

  “MISS!” wailed Nick. “Bertie’s being mean!”

  “Bertie!” yelled Miss Boot. “Stop that!”

  “And do up your shoelaces!” cried Miss Skinner. She sighed heavily. “Sometimes I despair of the children in this school. Just look at that boy.”

  Bertie was bending down to do up his shoelaces. His jumper was on back to front, his shirt was hanging out and his jeans were filthy.

  “He always looks like that,” said Miss Boot.

  “That’s my point,” said the head teacher. “He’s a disgrace. What would people think if they saw him now? They’d wonder what kind of school he went to.”

  Miss Boot rolled her eyes. She could tell Miss Skinner was warming up for one of her pep talks. Any minute now she would start on about Swotter House.

  “I mean look at Swotter House,” said Miss Skinner. “Have you seen the children at that school?”

  Miss Boot nodded. The bus for Swotter House stopped on her road. Every morning, she watched the children get on quietly without pushing or shoving. They all looked impossibly neat – as if they’d just been ironed.

  “Those children are a credit to their school,” Miss Skinner went on. “Smart blazers, neat ties, grey socks. Why can’t Bertie look like that?”

  Miss Boot could think of a thousand reasons. Bertie was probably the grubbiest boy ever born. Despite his parents’ best efforts, he always arrived looking like a scarecrow. As for what he kept in his pockets … Miss Boot shuddered to think!

  “Bertie!” called Miss Skinner, beckoning him over.

  “I wasn’t doing anything,” protested Bertie.

  “I just want to ask you something,” said Miss Skinner. “How would you like to look smart?”

  Bertie pulled a face. “What for?”

  “Well, because everyone likes to look smart,” said Miss Skinner.

  “I don’t,” said Bertie.

  “Yes, but you should,” said Miss Skinner. “For instance, what if you had a splendid new uniform?”

  Bertie frowned. “I wouldn’t mind a fireman’s uniform,” he said, “with big boots and a helmet.”

  “I was talking about a school uniform,” said Miss Skinner.

  “Oh,” said Bertie flatly. “You mean like ties and stuff?”

  “Yes, exactly,” said Miss Skinner.

  Bertie wiped his nose on the back of his hand. “No thanks,” he said. “I’m okay as I am. Um, can I go now?”

  “Very well,” sighed Miss Skinner.

  They watched Bertie run off and throw himself on Darren. The two of them rolled around in the dirt.

  “You see,” said the head. “That’s what we’re up against. What we need is more children like Nicholas.”

  They glanced at Know-All Nick, who was using his hanky to wipe a speck of dust off his shoe.

  “The answer is obvious,” said Miss Skinner. “We need a school uniform.”

  Miss Boot looked at her. “Uniform? You’re not serious?”

  “Perfectly,” said Miss Skinner. “Children would take pride in a uniform. We wouldn’t have buttons missing or socks drooping round a
nkles.”

  “But we’ve never had a uniform,” said Miss Boot.

  “Then it’s high time we started,” replied Miss Skinner.

  Miss Boot rubbed her chin. School uniform … maybe it would work? But Bertie in school uniform – that was another matter.

  CHAPTER 2

  The following week, Bertie brought a letter home from school. Mum found it screwed up in his coat pocket.

  “What’s this?” she said, holding up a dog-eared piece of paper.

  “Oh yeah,” said Bertie. “I was going to give it to you. It’s just some stuff about school.”

  Mum shook her head. She doubted if half the letters from school ever made it home. She unfolded the letter and started to read.

  “School uniform?” she said. “Goodness!”

  “I know,” groaned Bertie. “Miss Skinner’s gone bonkers.”

  “Actually, I think it’s a very good idea,” said Mum.

  “Why?” asked Bertie. “What’s the point!”

  “Well, because it looks smart,” said Mum.

  Bertie blew out his cheeks. “People keep saying that, but I don’t want to look smart! What’s wrong with the way I am?”

  Mum gave him a withering look.

  “I like dressing like this,” moaned Bertie. “Why do I need a smelly old uniform?”

  “So you can be proud of your school,” said Mum. “It shows you go to Pudsley Junior.”

  “I already know that!” said Bertie. “I don’t need a uniform to remind me!”

  Mum turned over the letter and read the back. There was another surprise at the end. Miss Skinner was launching a competition.

  “What a lovely idea!” cried Mum. “Miss Skinner wants you all to think of a design for the new uniform. Just think, Bertie, it could be your idea that’s chosen.”

  “I know,” said Bertie.

  “Well, don’t you think that’s exciting?”