by Mary Martel
Me: So I bought a house on the beach... You should come over.
Immediately, those three little dots popped up, and I couldn’t keep in the sigh of relief that escaped me. Even if he was mean to me, I’d take it over being ignored by him any day. If he ignored me, I might have to take a page out of his book and get a little crazy on his ass.
Maybe he’d even like it.
I realized then that I didn’t know what Franklin liked or didn’t like. I knew he dated and hooked up with chicks, but he never brought them around me, and I’d never once seen him around another female. When I was with him, I had his full attention and he had mine. Unless Gin called, it was just Franks and me and the outside world ceased to exist.
What if he liked blondes?
And why the fuck did I care?
No way would I look good as a blonde. I liked my minty locks and had no desire to change them any time soon, thank you very much. My hair had been this color since I was fourteen, and if I ever changed it, it would be to dye it purple or something. Definitely not blonde.
Don’t get me wrong here, I had no problem with blondes and I was woman enough to admit when a person was hot. I could appreciate a pretty woman, I just didn’t think I’d still be one if I was to go blonde.
And I needed to stop obsessing over this. Like, right now.
His text appeared just in the nick of time.
Franks: You’re unbelievable. Is this a stage of grief I’m unaware of? Who the fuck just goes out and buys a house at the beach? What did Mama Maxine have to say about this crazy shit?
I rolled my eyes toward the heavens at the mention of Mama Maxine. Out of all the nannies, she’d always been his favorite. It was ridiculous and fodder for him to use against me.
Me: What are all the stages of grief? If you let me know, then maybe I’ll tell you which one this is.
Franks: I’m packing my bags right now. Text me the addy.
My eyes bugged out.
Bags? As in more than one? Just how long did he plan on being here? I just thought he could come over and hang out then go back home maybe in the morning.
Even though I thought better of it for a second, I texted him my address. I mean, I did have two master suites. He could have the other one, and then maybe I wouldn’t have to feel so alone all the damn time. I hoped he didn’t mind sleeping on the floor, because that was all I could offer him.
Me: I don’t have any furniture, FYI.
Franks: You’re a loser.
Clearly, the man had my number, because sitting out here on the wood because my ass didn’t even have a chair to park it in yet made me feel a whole lot like the loser he claimed me to be.
Franks: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Which one are you?
Huh.
Well, none of that sounded like it was any fun to me. Not even acceptance because that meant I’d have to let go of all my anger and then what would I have to fill me up on the inside? Emptiness?
That sounded even more lonely to me. No thanks.
I didn’t respond this time, and he probably didn’t expect me to either. He was probably trying to push my buttons just to be a dick because I ignored him for so long. I deserved it, so I didn’t give him shit for it.
I put my phone down and picked up the bottle of Goose. It was ice cold, and as I unscrewed the cap, I was grateful I’d been smart enough to stick that puppy in the freezer as soon as I got home. Warm vodka did not go down as smoothly as the cold stuff did.
I tossed the cap down by my phone and brought the bottle up to my lips. I sucked down a hearty pull and put the bottle back on the wooden deck. The liquor burned going down my throat, but my mouth was ice cold. It felt good, damn good.
Immediately, I felt my body relax. This was a great idea. I picked up the bottle again and slugged back some more.
My body loosened up even more, and I felt my worries start to slip away. I slugged back some more and dropped the bottle back down.
I needed the liquid courage to be brave enough to get me through what I was about to do next. I had no business going there, and I only took it with me because I didn’t want my mother getting her hands on it. Gin wouldn’t have wanted that to go down.
Inside the house in an LV duffle I’d packed full of things from Gin’s room were five of these little notebooks all in different colors, and some even had stupid inspirational quotes on the covers. Apparently, Gin could get down with corny. Who knew?
This pink one I’d brought out here with me had a rubber band stretched out and wrapped around it, keeping it closed tight.
As I snapped off the rubber band, a pang of guilt assaulted me. These were my sister’s most private thoughts written down on each page with the intentions of no one else besides herself ever reading them. And here I was about to read them all the same.
It was a gross invasion of her privacy, but I kept telling myself it really didn’t matter because she was dead. Then I wanted to cry because I’d just reminded myself that my twin was dead. Not that I ever forget it or could. That shit was always on my mind twenty-four-fucking-seven.
I cracked open the cover, and the scribbles and cursive on the first page written with a bright blue glittery gel pen had my heart stuttering inside my chest. She’d written her name in big, girly, bubble letters. It was surrounded with butterflies, hearts, and stars.
Goodness, was she seventeen or twelve? I couldn’t help but laugh a little at that. It hurt to laugh.
I took another pull from the bottle and flipped the page.
The date in the top right corner of the page told me my sister had written this about a year and a half ago. The color of the gel pen she used on this page was a light, airy purple, and there were no more sparkles.
The lack of sparkles seemed foreboding.
School sucked today. But somehow, by some miracle, I managed to keep a bright, pretty smile on my face for everyone else. Mother would have been proud. Father wouldn’t have cared.
And Gem?
My firecracker would have been pissed.
She’s the best part of me. I only wish I could be more like her.
Gem wouldn’t put up with a cheating girlfriend who makes me keep our relationship a secret because she’s scared of everything. Gem would put her foot down, demand her voice be heard, and if she didn’t get the respect she rightfully deserved, she’d throw up deuces and be gone.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and wish I’d see Gem’s fierceness and boldness looking back out at me. I would give it all up to be even just a little bit like my sister.
I don’t know how two people who look exactly the same can be polar opposites. It still amazes and saddens me.
If Gem only knew how much I hate myself and how much I envy her, she would seriously kick my ass without a second thought. She’d probably be disgusted with me. I’m disgusted with me.
And it just gets worse. Every day it gets worse.
Belinda tells me she loves me to my face. All these pretty words she spews out of her pretty mouth, and I eat them up like the stupid, starving bitch that I am.
I might be starving and craving attention, so desperate for it that I put up with Belinda, but that doesn’t mean I’m stupid and don’t know what’s going on around me because I do.
I know Belinda cheats on me and chases after dick like she’s the starving one, panting like a bitch in heat.
I know and I put up with it. Because clearly there’s something wrong with me.
But I’m trying to be stronger and less weak. It’s just not working.
It all started when I spent my weekend with Gem.
My firecracker kept talking about some dude she called Franks. Her whole face lit up with excitement when she talked about him. I think she might even have feelings for him—though she claims they’re just friends—but she doesn’t notice it yet.
The thing that bothers me about this?
My firecracker has been hanging out with this dude for a while and she just now d
ecided to tell me about him. She admitted to not telling me about him for a while because she wanted to keep him to herself, saying she thought if she allowed people in her life to know about him, she feared he’d somehow be taken away from her.
She couldn’t keep it up though.
So she spilled her guts to me.
And I kept my stupid fucking mouth shut about everything I’m keeping from her.
I didn’t give my twin the same as what she gave me.
I fucking hate myself for it.
Gem is so strong.
I’m the opposite of Gem.
Today in school, what went down, what I walked away from without a word, proves that.
I caught Belinda in one of the bathrooms by the gym. When I tracked her phone, I expected to find her with one of the football or basketball players. She has a type when it comes to the dudes she sleeps with. All athletes, with no care for what ball game they’re playing. She only cares that they have a reputation for being able to keep their mouths shut.
What I never expected was to walk in on her on her knees before another girl, a girl on my cheer squad, with her face in this girl’s pussy.
That’s exactly what I walked in on.
And then I turned around and walked right away from her.
Now I know she messed around on me with guys and I hate it.
Fucking hate it.
But I let it go—or I try to—because she’s hiding who she really is from everyone, and I know a little something about being uncomfortable in my own skin. That doesn’t mean I like it because I don’t. I just stopped trying to fight against it.
Belinda gets something from them that she obviously can’t get from me, and I’m pathetic enough to let her get away with it.
But another girl?
That’s unacceptable to me. And it’s disgusting.
She’s been blowing up my phone since school got out, and I blew off our date without even bothering to text her to tell her I wasn’t going to make it.
And now she won’t leave me the hell alone.
I want to call Gem and cry my heart out to her, but I can’t because I’ve been lying to her since forever. Would my sister hate me if she were to find out about all the secrets I’ve been keeping from her?
God, my chest aches just thinking about it.
I don’t want to break my sister’s heart, but right now my own heart hurts so badly I can barely breathe.
The notebook dropped away from my hands and I let it fall. I didn’t want to read any more. I couldn’t bear to read on. I didn’t know if I could ever bring myself to pick up another one of those stupid notebooks ever again no mater how much I wanted to know every little detail of my sister’s life that I apparently didn’t know a goddamn thing about.
That shit hurt.
No, it fucking killed.
All the lies, so many goddamn lies my sister told me. So many things she clearly kept from me. And why? What was the reason behind her lies and bullshit?
Did she think I’d feel some type of way because she was into females? I mean, really? Why in the hell would she ever think that? She was my sister, my fucking twin for fuck’s sake. I’d do anything for her. I would have done anything for her.
This was unbelievable.
I wanted to rage and scream, but what was the fucking point?
She was dead.
She was a liar.
She was a lesbian who was doing her bimbo BFF, and she didn’t like that her girlfriend wanted to keep their relationship in the closet. All the while she was lying and hiding to me like a fucking hypocrite.
And Riley...
What the fuck about Riley?
His name hadn’t been mentioned yet in her stupid book so far. Obviously they weren’t dating for years like she’d been telling me. I mean, fuck, she’d told me she’d given up her V card to him and he hadn’t handled her with the care he should have. And what about him banging the bimbo Belinda? Had that happened? It sounded like the girl got off with a whole lot of different people. Had Riley been one of them?
Every time I’d been around him, he’d seemed so genuine and heartbroken over Gin’s death. He’d never once mentioned being her boyfriend, and at her funeral he’d pushed Belinda away from him.
And I’d treated him like garbage every time I was around him because I thought he’d done my sister dirty. What if that had all been a lie, and he’d never been anything but a good friend to my sister and didn’t really deserve any of my attitude and hatred thrown in his face?
I mean, what the fuck was I even doing here?
Yeah, my obsession with the guy had brought me here, but part of that had to do with me wanting to get back at him for his wrongs done to my sister. And now come to find out maybe he’d really never done anything wrong.
I was going to have to see him at school every day and know that my sister could say those horrible lies about him. Did I tell him? Would that make him hate her? Did I want that?
I did, but at the same time I didn’t.
It was hard for me to change my mindset when I’d been so loyal to this one person my entire life, and come to find out, she hadn’t been the same way toward me in return. I didn’t know what to do with that, and I didn’t know how to feel about my sister, the person I loved the most in my life.
Did she even love me back?
The words on the pages said she did, but they also told me she was a goddamn dirty liar.
I almost picked that stupid fucking pink book up and chucked it down my hill. But I didn’t, because I knew myself and I knew I’d regret it later when the answers to my questions could only be found in there.
And maybe from Riley.
Fuck.
I needed to see him again. Maybe I would even text him back.
I had serious problems here and it wasn’t even funny.
I picked up the bottle of Goose and looked out at the lake that was illuminated by the moon shining brightly in the sky directly above it.
I stared out at the water while I got drunk, the whole time thinking about my sister and everything I didn’t really know about her.
She broke my fucking heart.
Again.
Too bad she was dead and I couldn’t call her up and tell her how much she hurt me.
And I was scared because she had clearly been in a whole lot of pain herself, and now I had to question whether or not she’d actually tripped and fell, or if maybe it was something else entirely.
And that shit terrified me.
Chapter Nine
Boozing And Sad, Sorry Ways
Franklin
Smart girl.
I pressed my palm flat against the scanner, knowing damn well my girl had my shit added, and I wasn’t surprised when the lights on the bottom lit up green. With a click, the gate started to slide open for me.
I felt nothing but relief when I rolled up to the address I had punched into my GPS and got a load of the gate. I couldn’t help the small smile from coming to my face. With that crazy, nasty mother of hers, she needed all the extra security and precautions she could get to keep that woman at bay.
I sat out here for a good ten minutes, pressing on the buzzer and getting nothing. Freaked out, I picked up my cell and called her. Over and over again. She didn’t pick up and it scared the shit out of me. So I pressed my palm to the scanner, hoping and praying she’d had the foresight to put me in the system. She could pull my prints off of half the shit she owned.
And she clearly had.
Smart girl.
Now, if only I could get the girl to pick up her damn phone when I called, we’d be getting somewhere. She needed to stop pretending and acting like a damn asshole.
She was in a rough place, so I was trying to keep my attitude in check and not put her in her place by telling her to get her damn shit together. She needed me to be gentle with her right now, but I wasn’t sure how much longer I would be able to pull it off. I should be proud I managed to keep it up for this long.
>
I drove up the hill and whistled under my breath when her house came into view. “Dammnnn.”
My girl Gem didn’t do anything small, and this ridiculous house she absolutely did not need was testament to that. No one person needed a long, sprawling, massive house all for themselves. Not to mention she didn’t need to be on her own right now. She should have kept her ass at home where she belonged with Maxine looking out for her. She wasn’t the best caregiver, that was for sure, but at least she cared and that was worth something in my book. Gem didn’t know how to be loved the right way, because she’d never received it at home from the two people who were supposed to teach her how to be loved by showing her. Instead, they taught her how to put her guard up and close off her heart.
Gem was the most beautifully complicated girl I had met in my entire life. I loved her like no other for it.
I parked my wagon in front of the garage next to her Caddy. Seeing her ride not actually inside the garage but in front of it irritated the shit out of me. Obviously the gate gave a certain level of security and people would certainly be deterred by it, but she lived on the damn beach and people could probably walk right up to her house from that side. You could never take too many precautions when it came to your own personal safety, and people could be sick fucks that did messed up shit. I would know, my dad was one of them.
I bet my girl didn’t even bother to lock the damn doors. I tried the front passenger side door to her Caddy and surprise, surprise. It opened right up.
She drove me fucking nuts.
And it got even worse when the front door to her house just opened right up for me. The security system on the wall beside the door didn’t even beep at me for shit’s sake.
I was absolutely going to kill her just to teach her a lesson. Then I’d revive her ass and bring her back to life because she didn’t get to leave me in any way. That’d be some bullshit and we didn’t take the easy way out. No way, no how.
I walked through the house looking for her. Every single light appeared to be turned on. It was the middle of the night, what the hell was she doing?
