Courting Her Secret Heart

by Mary Davis

  Perfect, Amos and Naomi were still outside. Though Deborah would rather be with Amos, she would take this opportunity to speak to her three older sisters without anyone else around. “I’m glad you three are here.”

  “You are?” Miriam said. “Why us?”

  Deborah kept her voice low. “Because you three seemed to know all about Mutter’s problem. Why didn’t any of you ever say anything or tell me? I could have helped.”

  Lydia opened her mouth but didn’t say anything when Hannah held up her hand. Hannah, always in charge. “That was my decision, and I came to regret it. It was easier in the beginning for Lydia and me to handle Mutter. We worked well as a team and reported back to Vater. But when Sarah came along and was so needy and Naomi became jealous of all the time she demanded, it became harder to manage it all. Miriam partially figured things out and started pitching in and helping. So, we three worked together to manage Mutter, placate Naomi, deal with Sarah and take care of the house. You and Joanna always took care of yourselves, which was a huge help. We didn’t have to worry about you.”

  “But if you had told me, I could have helped instead of just ‘not being a bother.’”

  “You’re right. We should have.”

  Miriam finally spoke up. “Hannah and Lydia want to marry in the fall, so I’m going to take over everything they’ve been doing. I sure could use your help.”

  “What about you? Don’t you want to get married?”

  Miriam’s words came out flat. “I’m praying the Lord won’t have me fall in love.” Her shoulders bowed forward.

  Deborah had never heard of any woman in their community not wanting to get married.

  Miriam’s eyes watered. “That’s a sacrifice I can make.”

  “Ne. You don’t have to. Dr. Kathleen will figure out what’s wrong with Mutter and make her better.”

  “And if she can’t make Mutter better?” Lydia said.

  Deborah didn’t want to think that way, but she must consider it. “Teach me everything about taking care of her before you two marry. Then Miriam and I will teach Joanna.”

  Hannah spoke. “Then when Miriam marries and you marry and Joanna marries, do you honestly think Naomi will pick up the slack?”

  Lydia’s expression held both hope and defeat. “Let’s wait and see what Dr. Kathleen says.”

  The strangest feeling engulfed Deborah. Like she actually belonged in her own family. Finally. She’d felt like a stranger for so long, she hadn’t known how to belong. But now she knew why she’d felt like an outsider. She had been an outsider.

  Her vater and her older sisters had been so caught up in surrounding Mutter to protect her that they hadn’t realized they were cutting off the rest of the family. Deborah liked this new camaraderie with her sisters.

  Now Deborah was in on the horrible secret.

  Now she was included and would be there to help.

  Now she wouldn’t be left out.

  She belonged.

  Chapter Twelve

  Deborah hated waiting. Yesterday, Dr. Kathleen and her sister, Jessica, arrived at the house just after breakfast and amazingly drew blood from everyone, including Amos, without a fuss from Mutter when it was her turn. True to her word, Dr. Kathleen had kept the visit friendly, like a neighbor dropping by.

  Now they all had to wait for the results. Deborah couldn’t pretend to be busy around the house but actually do nothing. She needed to get out. Get away. She was scheduled for a photo shoot today that she had planned to skip, but it offered the perfect distraction.

  She peered out the kitchen window. Amos still puttered around the yard. Why did he have to pick today to work outside, cutting wood for the small potbellied stove in his little room? She’d interrupted this chore the other day. How much wood did he need? The room wasn’t that big.

  Before that he’d inspected the outside of the barn and repaired the chicken coop, which wasn’t even broken. Granted, it did need help, but it wasn’t quite broken yet. It just leaned slightly. And he ambled around doing other busywork in the yard. A lot of things needed some TLC. Being the only man on the farm, Vater could never quite get to everything that needed attention.

  If she didn’t leave soon, she would be late and miss meeting her ride into town. Her sisters were easy to get away from, but Amos proved to be difficult. He kept a vigilant watch over the entire farm and its inhabitants.

  She could tell him she was going to meet her “friend in need,” but she didn’t want to be questioned about that. She needed to devise a plan. If she went out the front door, he wouldn’t be able to see her leave the house.

  After slipping out, she went the long way around the house, away from where he worked. The chopping had ceased. Where was he now?

  She peered around the house and directly into his broad chest.

  “Where are you off to?” He smiled down at her. “Sneaking off?”

  Why did he have to be so observant?

  She forced a smile. “Just heading to the pond.”

  “Wunderbar. I’ll go with you.”

  Ne! she wanted to say but held her tongue. If she protested, he might get suspicious. Hopefully, he would get bored quickly and want to return. She trudged slowly in the direction of the pond, hoping he would give up before they reached it.

  He didn’t.

  She sat in her favorite spot on a log. The once fully frozen pond had half melted. Spring warmth was just around the corner. Some ducks walked on the frozen edge while others paddled around in the slushy center.

  Amos sat on the log a couple of feet away from her. Even though she needed to be somewhere else, she liked having him here with her. Liked sharing her special spot, but as much as she wanted to, today was not the day to enjoy this. “I’m sure you have to get back to work.”

  “It can wait awhile. I can see why you like to come here a lot. It’s nice. Peaceful.”

  And usually, she was all alone. The way she liked it. She stood. “I feel bad about keeping you. Let’s head back.”

  He stood, as well. “I should get back. The corral needs some work.”

  She walked at a brisker pace than she’d walked out to the pond to get him off her tracks. Once he got busy with the corral, she would be able to hustle away.

  While he was in the barn gathering tools, Deborah ran through the field, making sure to keep the barn between her and the corral to hide her escape. She tramped as quickly as possible through the bumpy field. She needed this shoot today. Needed to forget about her family’s problems for a little while.

  Out of breath, she reached her rendezvous spot, but the car wasn’t there. She’d missed her ride. Now what was she going to do? Should she call Hudson from one of the Amish phone boxes near the road and tell him she couldn’t make it today? Or start walking into town and be even later? She headed off along the road. She didn’t want to go back home. Not after all the trouble she’d taken to escape.

  After five minutes, a car drove past and pulled off to the side of the rode. The driver rolled down the window and waved for Deborah to come over.

  She approached the vehicle and recognized the driver. “Hallo, Mrs. Carpenter.” She had received rides from her before.

  “Deborah, right?”

  She nodded.

  “Do you need a ride into town?”

  “I would love a ride. I can pay for the gas.”

  “No need. I’m going that way anyway.”

  Deborah got in. “I was late for meeting my ride and missed it.”

  “Well, it’s a good thing the Lord had me driving on this road today.” Mrs. Carpenter dropped off Deborah at the gas station a couple of blocks from the photography studio.

  Deborah never had anyone drop her off right at the studio. She didn’t need to be questioned about what she was doing or telling other Amish exactly where she went. Amos wanted to kn
ow her whereabouts, but he was the last person she wanted to know, aside from the church leaders.

  After all, she wasn’t doing anything wrong. She never wore revealing clothes, and she wasn’t hurting anyone.

  Not really.

  She had planned to model until she found a husband then quit. She figured she’d have a nice bit of money to help her husband buy a farm. In fact, she was doing a gut thing. But with Mutter’s troubles, she’d decided she would quit after this photo shoot. Hudson would be in an agreeable mood from a successful session.

  She pulled open the door to the studio, and as she strode inside, her stomach tightened.

  Hudson stood behind his camera, snapping pictures of a model wearing a slim knit dress. Another catalog shoot. These were her least favorite.

  Summer turned to her a moment before Hudson did. He scowled. “Debo, you’re late. I was beginning to think you weren’t going to show.”

  “I’m sorry. I had a hard time getting away, and I missed my ride.” It wouldn’t matter anymore. She knew that after today she wouldn’t be coming back.

  Hudson stomped over to her and gripped her shoulders. “You need to decide what’s more important. I count on you being here. When you leave me in the lurch, you hurt all of us.” He swept his arm toward his assistants and the other models.

  “I’m sorry. Do you want me to leave?”

  “No. You’re finally here. Go with Tina and Lindsey, and they’ll get you ready. And, Debo, be ready when you come back.” With his fingers pinched together, he drew his fingertips down in front of him from his head to his waist. “In here.”

  Hudson could be a little overdramatic.

  She followed in Tina and Lindsey’s wake.

  Deborah sat uncomfortably as Tina brushed and worked with her hair. Was Tina being purposefully rough today? Or did Deborah just not want to be here today so every little thing bothered her?

  Amos would have a fit if he knew where she was. The ache inside her chest wrenched tighter. She took a deep breath to clear it away. She needed this distraction. She was earning money for her future. She was doing nothing wrong.

  Once transformed from head to toe and back out in the studio, she stood off to the side for Hudson to need her and give her instructions. She didn’t have to wait long.

  “Okay, Angela. Get into your next outfit.” Hudson turned to Deborah, then motioned with a sweep of his hand for her to step in front of the white backdrop.

  She obeyed and faced the camera.

  Hudson looked through his camera on the tripod. “I want a neutral, content expression. Neither happy nor sad. Think of your face as a blank canvas, waiting for the right emotion to descend upon it.”

  A blank canvas? How was she supposed to achieve that? She tried to appear neither happy nor sad. Was she succeeding?

  “No, no, no.” Hudson stepped out from behind his camera. “Not distressed. Let’s try something else.” He moved back behind his camera and pointed over his head. “Pick a point behind me and think of something happy. Like ropes of diamonds.”

  Diamonds didn’t make her happy.

  “Or ice cream.”

  That was better, but it was still cold outside. Now, if it was the middle of summer, ice cream would make her happy.

  “Or a new fur coat.”

  Hudson really had no clue what made Deborah happy, so she pictured the kittens in the barn. They were so adorable.

  The camera lens clicked repeatedly. “Good. Keep that up.”

  Then she pictured the kittens scampering about. Suddenly, Amos was there, being the man about the farm. Doing all the chores a man normally did, with the kittens climbing on him.

  “Perfect,” Hudson said.

  Hay had showered down around her, and Amos swooped her out of harm’s way, and they tumbled into a pile of hay. He stared at her. Instead of him pulling away this time, her heart took control, and Amos inched closer and closer until he was a breath away—

  “Debo!”

  Deborah blinked and focused on Hudson standing in front of her.

  His hand on her arm. “I got the shots. I don’t know where you went, but it was absolutely perfect, beyond what I had hoped for.”

  Her face warmed at having allowed herself to think of Amos in such a way. It was a silly dream. Wasn’t it?

  “From that blush, I’ll guess that there was a handsome guy in your daydream.” Hudson gave her a knowing smile, winked and walked off.

  She put her hands to her hot cheeks. He couldn’t possibly know. He didn’t even know about Amos.

  When the session concluded, Deborah chickened out telling Hudson this was her last shoot. She slipped away unnoticed. She would have to figure another way to tell him.

  She couldn’t go on like this much longer.

  * * *

  The following week, when their house telephone rang, Deborah picked up the slim-line phone and took it to her vater in the living room.

  “Hallo?” Vater paused, then said, “Hallo, Kathleen...Teresa would do better if you came here...Just me?” His features settled into a grim expression. “When?...I will come...Danki. Auf wiedersehen.” He hung up the phone.

  Deborah released her breath. “What is it?”

  “The doctor wishes to see me. Not your mutter.”

  Deborah’s insides tightened. Had the doctor found something wrong with Vater in his blood? “When must you go?”

  “She can see me now. Would you tell Hannah and Lydia to come with me? And then ask Amos to hitch up the buggy?”

  “I want to come, too.”

  Vater stared at her for a moment, then nodded. “I’ve kept things to myself for too long. I thought I could ignore this, but I can’t.”

  In the buggy, Amos drove, and Vater sat up front with him. Deborah sat in back with her two oldest sisters.

  At the Amish clinic, Jessica Yoder welcomed them and asked them to take a seat in the waiting area.

  The emptiness in the pit of Deborah’s stomach kept her on her feet. She wanted to run out of there. She didn’t want to hear whatever bad news the doctor had, but she needed to know. Or how else could she help Mutter?

  Dr. Kathleen came out with Rebecca Beiler and her three-year-old son. “Make a follow-up appointment with Jessica.”

  Amos, standing beside Deborah, took her hand. “Everything will be all right.”

  Though startling at first, his warm, strong hand around hers comforted Deborah. She never wanted him to let go. “How can it be? Mutter is... There’s something wrong with her. What if she has Alzheimer’s disease?”

  “Let’s not invite trouble. Trust Gott.” He gave her hand a squeeze and let go before anyone saw.

  Deborah had thrilled at his touch, but now her hand felt oddly empty.

  Dr. Kathleen faced the crowd and smiled. “Oh, my. I didn’t expect so many of you. Come into my office. I’ll grab a few more chairs.”

  Amos picked up one of the vacated chairs. “How many do you need?”

  “If everyone is coming in, three—wait—four. And one to prop up Bartholomew’s leg.”

  He hefted two straight-backed chairs.

  Deborah grabbed one herself, and Dr. Kathleen carried the fourth.

  Once everyone sat, Dr. Kathleen turned to Vater. “Are you sure you want so many present for your frau’s diagnosis?”

  Vater looked at each of his daughters and Amos. “My daughters help their mutter all the time. They should know what is going on with her. They’ll help me remember what you say. Amos has been helpful, as well.”

  “All right.”

  Hannah cleared her throat. “Is it Alzheimer’s disease?”

  “Ne.”

  Dr. Kathleen looked directly at Vater. “I don’t have enough information yet to make a final diagnosis, but I’m fairly certain it’s not Alzheimer’s. We do need t
o do more tests, but I’ll give you my preliminary findings. As far as I can tell, Teresa has two issues. One is complicating the other.”

  Deborah shifted to the edge of her seat. If she scooted any closer, she’d land on the floor. She held her breath.

  The doctor went on. “I believe Teresa might have what’s known as Graves’ disease. It’s an immune system disorder that results in the overproduction of the thyroid hormone, known as hyperthyroidism.” She put her hand on her throat. “The thyroid is located here. Hers doesn’t seem enlarged. With more tests, we can know for certain.”

  “Is there a cure for it?” Vater asked.

  “Not a cure, but it can be managed. There are a few medications, but I’m reluctant to recommend any of them.”

  “Because you aren’t sure yet?”

  “Ne. Because of Teresa’s other condition. She’s pregnant.”

  No one spoke. No one moved. It seemed as though no one dared to breathe lest it make this unbelievable news real.

  Pregnant? Mutter was going to have another baby?

  Hannah and Lydia exchanged knowing glances.

  “Her pregnancy is heightening the Graves’ disease, causing the thyroid to produce more hormones than normal. This is why she seems worse when she’s pregnant, because she is. Graves’ can be the cause of the anxiety, shaking hands, forgetfulness, insomnia, as well as a host of other things. Many of the things in her medical history could be adding to her memory issues, as well.”

  Vater frowned. “Pregnant?”

  “Ja. That’s why I don’t want to give her any medications just yet. Whatever she ingests, the baby receives. The only one I might be comfortable giving her while she’s pregnant would be a beta-blocker, but I believe we can achieve similar results with natural methods. Graves’ is hereditary. Mostly occurring in women under forty.”

  Mutter had turned forty not more than three months ago.

  “I would like to draw more blood from all of you to test for Graves’ specifically.” Dr. Kathleen handed Vater a sheet of paper. “This is a list of natural things to do to help manage Teresa’s condition. Because we are Amish, we already do most of the things they suggest—minimize stress, eat fresh fruits and vegetables, don’t eat processed foods, as well as others. They are listed on that paper. Her natural diet and low-stress environment have been managing her Graves’ without even knowing it, but she’ll need to cut out all caffeine.”