A Part Of Me:

by Karin Aharon

  Gabi came in quickly just a few seconds after the discouraged doctor left. He approached mom and just by looking at her, understood what had happened. He leaned over and hugged her. Mom started crying. I was sure he would stand back up, but he stayed hunched above her. And then something happened that I had never seen before – Gabi cried with her. I was shocked and scared and felt I needed a break to get my thoughts straight. I shut the drapes around them and left the room to give them some privacy.

  I decided this was a good time to go to the bathroom. A scrawny nurse saw I was going into the bathroom next to mom’s room and stopped me. “It’s better that you don’t use the bathroom here. The women are going through chemotherapy and it’s not good for your pregnancy. You should go to the gynecology ward. Also, at home, you shouldn’t use the same bathroom as she does.”

  I didn’t really understand what she wanted, but I nodded and left the ward. The nurse must have confused my mom with the patient laying next to her, but I was too tired to argue. My bladder signaled that I had to hurry up.

  I passed by a baby store and looked through the big window. I saw a lot of pink dresses on the hangers and tried imagining what would it feel like buying all these pink clothes. Last time, before I gave birth, I went shopping with mom and we bought clothes for Adam in all shades of blue.

  When I left the bathroom, I called Jonathan to let him know what was going on.

  “You won’t believe it, but dad just cried.” I had to share this absurd event with him.

  “Are you serious?” I could hear the fuss of the mass hall he was at.

  “Yes. I can’t remember ever seeing him cry. Even when grandma Leah passed away, he didn’t cry like that. It means things are really bad.” I tried justifying my hysteria. “When are you returning home?”

  “Tomorrow morning. I’ll be home until Sunday.”

  “OK, so let’s try to meet, all three of us. Tommy is in Maccabim with his friend, but he’ll probably come back tomorrow. We all need to meet.”

  “OK, I have to go. Keep me posted.”

  “Of course.”

  I went back to the room and moved the curtain that was still hiding mom’s bed. “Gabi went to grab something to eat,” she said even before I could ask. “Dr. Carmi is real nice.”

  I helped her sit up and sat next to her, “he really does seem nice.”

  “Yes. He was here and told me that an amniotic fluid specialist will come to do the test.”

  “Wonderful. We probably need someone with experience."

  “You know,” she said quietly, “Rose, the woman in the bed next to the bathroom, they just took her to a CT scan to check whether the cancer spread. She also had a swollen belly when she was diagnosed,” she placed her hand on her belly and squinted with pain. “She had a tumor in her ovary.”

  “But you don’t have a tumor, right? So, that’s a good sign,” I tried to encourage her hesitantly.

  “The one next to the window didn’t have one either, and they still found ovarian cancer. I guess it’s different for everyone.”

  “Well, they still haven’t told you anything, so it might be something else.”

  “Perhaps,” mom said, and didn’t look as optimistic as usual. I could always tell what she was thinking. For better or worse, she always wore her heart on her sleeve. She couldn’t hide anything. I found something that I did get from her.

  When Gabi came back, I kissed them both goodbye and left. Only when I got into the car and was alone for the first time that day, I allowed myself to cry. I couldn’t believe it was happening to me. To my mom. Nothing made sense, like in a bad dream. I thought about Tom, who at the age of fifteen had to face such issues. I hoped that my mom would call and tell me it was all one big mistake and everything was actually alright. “Never mind,” I would tell her, “as long as you’re healthy.” And she would tell me that it’s such a shame they had wasted her vacation in Israel. But mom didn’t call. I cried all the way home.

  Chapter 4

  On Friday afternoon, we met for a family dinner. Or at least the closest thing to a dinner that I could arrange. Michael didn’t have time to cook and things were bad enough without having to subject Jonathan and Tommy to my cooking. I decided to order some Italian food for everyone, and we met mom at the hospital. The ward was almost empty. This was not where people wanted to have their Friday dinner.

  Jonathan and Tommy came, and we sat with mom to catch up. Jonathan told us about his military course and Tommy brought us up to date about news from Maccabim. Mom sat in her bed and smiled. It’s been several months since we were all together with mom on the same continent. She even wore lipstick for the occasion. Unlike me, she would always try to wear makeup and look her best. I, on Fri¬days, would walk around in my high school sweatpants that still fit me despite the pregnancy.

  Mom wasn’t well enough to get out of bed and we weren’t comfortable with having a feast in her room. So, I left her pasta and took the boys outside to eat. We sat on a bench in the dark hall in front of the ward.

  “Just like old times, having dinner on Fridays at mom’s,” I said and handed them cutlery.

  “Totally. It’s a shame dad isn’t here.” Tommy said.

  “True. But he needs some time off from this depressing place. You realize hard times are coming, right?”

  They didn’t answer and kept eating. It was mind-boggling how much food teenage boys could consume.

  “Mom will probably need some treatments and perhaps also a surgery. She has blood clots in her legs, which means she can’t fly. In any case, we’re going to have a lot on our plate.” Tommy and Jonathan nodded and kept eating. I couldn’t comprehend if they were repressing the truth or just didn’t have anything to say.

  The building was quiet and somewhat abandoned. Every now and then people crossed through the hallway and looked at us. It was probably getting dark outside, but it’s easy losing track of time in hospitals. Hospital time seems to stand still.

  We finished eating and cleaned up. We went back to mom’s room and saw that she had gotten her hospital meal, however she didn’t take a bite, nor from the food I brought her. Tommy and Jonathan left to go out with their friends while I stayed with mom a little longer.

  “You didn’t eat anything. Do you want me to bring you something else?”

  “No, sweetie. Gabi will come soon with some food from Ruth and Eric.” Ruth, who was married to Gabi’s brother, was a great cook, her food was worth waiting for. “Maybe you should go home and rest?”

  “Soon. I’ll stay until Gabi comes. When do you think they’ll discharge you from here?” I had to go to the bathroom and was too tired to walk all the way to the other ward, so I decided to hold it in for a while.

  “Perhaps on Sunday. We’ll get the test results, and then see,” her smile disappeared. “I’m fed up with being here. I came for a vacation and wound up in the hospital.”

  “Yes, it really is annoying. But it’ll work out; you’ll see it’ll all be fine.” I held her hand and tried cheering her up. Perhaps, myself, too.

  “That one,” mom whispered and pointed at the bed by the window, “she was told she has ovarian cancer that metastasized to her stomach.”

  “Don’t freak yourself out. Everyone is different,” I whispered back.

  We sat quietly and mom caressed my belly and smiled.

  “Cathy,” we heard a familiar Hungarian accent. “There you are. I could barely find this ward. What kind of dump did they put you in?” Julie walked in and hugged mom gently, then me. “You have a wonderful belly. You look great.” Under her purple hair, I could see a faint shade of her natural blond.

  “Thanks, I’m seventeen weeks pregnant. Soon I will be much bigger.” I stood up so Julie could sit next to mom. “Ok, mom, now that Julie’s here, I’ll head home. Maybe I’ll see Adam before he goes to bed.”

  “OK, sw
eetie. Go rest a bit. Say hi to Michael and Adam.” Mom held my hand and I leaned over and kissed her. “Good night, my sweet. Drive safely,” she told me. “Don’t take your eyes off the road.”

  I hadn’t left the room and they were already talking in Hungarian. They could gossip as much as they wanted and no one understood. They’ve been friends forever, as close as sisters. Julie was like an aunt to us.

  I looked at them and was happy to see mom almost back to her usual self; lively and smiling. I reminded myself on the way home that there was still a chance she wasn’t sick. Until they prove it was cancer, it might be something else. But I knew I was lying to myself.

  At the parking lot, before I got out of the car, I looked at myself in the mirror. I could see my eyes, red and puffy from crying. I didn’t want Adam to see me like this, even though he was too young to understand.

  When I walked in, Michael was waiting quietly outside Adam’s room. We stood together in the dark hallway, hugged each other and heard Adam mumbling words we partially understood. My tears smeared all over Michael’s shirt and left small stains scattered all over his chest. He knew better than to talk. There was nothing to say. I heard my phone buzzing, so I went to the living room and left Michael standing at his post.

  “I’m staying at a friend’s,” Tommy wrote. I was happy that I wouldn’t have to cook tomorrow the endless amount of food he consumes. Perhaps we would have enough food from what Ida cooked for Adam. A small comfort in a sea of worries that could drown me at any given moment.

  Chapter 5

  It took another week for the doctors to officially announce that mom had ovarian cancer. My worst nightmare came true, despite all my fantasies about some doctor’s mistake. Chemotherapy started a few days later, and after the first round she was discharged and went home, actually to Grandpa’s place.

  Mom’s vacation in Israel was about to end and decisions had to be made.

  “I’m not flying back to Australia and Tommy is staying here, with me,” mom told me over the phone. I was really happy to hear that, because her moving to the land down under was hard for me. “It’s too dangerous for me to fly because of the blood clots. I’ll stay here and Gabi will go back to Australia to work, at least until we see what’s going on. I told Gabi I want to be with you.”

  I always missed her when she was far away from me. Once, when I was 10, I mustered the courage to leave for scouts’ camp. I was fine during the day, but when night fell, I started missing her. I told the instructor that I wasn’t feeling well and asked could I call home. Mom was awake, as if she had been waiting for my call. When she answered, I tried my best not to cry. I asked them to come and pick me up. Gabi was already on the way. He didn’t complain during the drive, but he kept reminding me years later about the time he had saved me from camp. The truth was that in many ways he had saved me many times, not just then.

  I tried not to be too happy about her returning to Israel, because things were far from being ideal, so I remained practical. “Where will you stay?” For all I cared she could stay with me for as long as needed, but I had a feeling she didn’t want to.

  “I don’t know. We need to look for an apartment.”

  “Good, so come live near me.”

  “We’ll see. In the meantime, I’ll move in with Julie. She has a spare room for me. Can Tommy stay with you for now?”

  “Yes, as long as you need,” I said and knew Michael would agree too. After having Jonathan for six months, Michael was already used to it, even though this time was different. Jonathan would come only on weekends and could take care of himself. This time we would get a teenager who actually needed to be taken care of.

  I was already imagining mom moving next to me and we meeting all the time, when mom started crying.

  “It’s going to be OK, mom. Really, you’ll get better.” She didn’t respond. “I read there’s a 25% recovery rate from this cancer.”

  “Why would you say that to me?! I can’t hear these things!” She was really yelling and then hung up. I was shocked. I was only trying to cheer her up. I didn’t understand why it offended her so much. It was the last thing I wanted to do. I felt so guilty for making her cry. I felt I should call her back but didn’t know what to say.

  I laid on the sofa. Adam kept building exceptionally symmetrical buildings with his blocks, as if nothing was happening in the world. At least he was sitting still and letting me rest. My eyes shut on their own will. I didn’t really know how to cope with mom’s anger. It wasn’t something I was familiar with in our relationship, and I hoped that by tomorrow she would calm down.

  I was always close to my mom, and ever since I became a mom myself, we became even closer. You could say I was usually nice to her, except for when I was a teenager.

  The first time I had really annoyed her was during summer vacation. I was sixteen and all I wanted was to go to the music festival with my friends. Tommy was going through surgery, and mom and Gabi were with him 24/7. I disappeared and was completely preoccupied with myself, like a typical teenager. When I came back, mom gave me a look I had never seen before. It wasn’t anger. It was real disappointment. That moment, I promised myself I wouldn’t do anything that would make her give me that look again.

  Ever since I could remember, my mom was the most important person to me. There were times when it was just the two of us against the world. When I was sick and there was no one to stay home with me, she would take me to the architecture firm she worked at and I would help her color the blueprints. Even when I accidently painted the cement wall in the color meant for demolition, she wasn’t mad at me. I wonder if there really is a building in Tel Aviv that’s missing a wall.

  Although it took them a few years to get married, I accepted Gabi from the start. He was always there for me as a reliable and dependable figure. Mom always seemed fragile and gentle compared to him. In a sense, I felt we were taking care of her together.

  I dragged myself from the sofa. Exhaustion from the pregnancy was killing me. That, plus worrying about mom, prevented me from working even when I was at the office. Adam was still busy, so I opened the ALUT drat folder I brought home with me from work. I hoped this case would take my mind off all of my family’s mess.

  From what I had learned from Joel, the hostel had replaced its windows’ isolation to reduce the noise. We addressed a specialist who wrote a detailed recommendation about the severe repercussions these changes have on children. It was strange referring to them as children, seeing as they were in their twenties and thirties. But they would always be referred to as children, the specialist had explained.

  We were supposed to meet Joel the next day, and I had to finish reading this document. I couldn’t stand anymore of Nathan’s complaints about the time I was putting in the office, or rather not putting in the office. After Adam fell asleep, I went over the document again and again until I felt confident I understood everything the specialist had written.

  “I wonder what they’ll do with their apartment in Sydney,” I contemplated out loud while lying in bed and reading the claim once again. Michael gave me a look that meant something between “I don’t know” to “that’s not as interesting.”

  Michael came to bed and a minute later I could already hear his snores growing louder. I tried to finish writing all the questions I had for Joel but I guess at some point I fell asleep.

  In the middle of the night I woke up and found all the papers scattered on the bed and that the pen had stained the sheets with blue ink. Luckily it was next to the pillow. I thought it could hide it. I turned off the light and went back to sleep.

  Chapter 6

  On Friday evening, as usual, we went to dinner at Michael’s family. I really didn’t feel like seeing them, or anyone else for that matter, but I didn’t have much of a choice. We sat around the table, with plenty of food I disliked, and Adam sat next to us in his stroller with his bottle.

&
nbsp; Everything went by as if nothing had happened. As if my mom wasn’t sick with cancer and wasn’t going through chemotherapy. It was absurd that the world kept revolving and didn’t collapse into itself. I acted like a talentless actress playing at a less than mediocre theater; I came to the office, played the part of the lawyer I was expected to be, went through the day with great difficulty and then went back home. I didn’t want to talk to anyone and was cooped up in my room with a cup of tea and cookies. Lots of cookies. It was weird seeing Michael’s family so close together, while my family was scattered all over; Gabi was in Australia, mom at Julie’s, Tommy at my place and Jonathan at Jonny’s. Even though I tried not to, I couldn’t help myself from comparing, which made me even angrier.

  My sisters-in-law were unsuccessful at trying to make Adam laugh, and I just kept looking at the clock again and again. I wasn’t sure if Michael had even told them. I certainly wasn’t going to talk about it on Friday dinner.

  I met Michael at law school when I was twenty years old, a fresh-out-of-the-army geeky soldier who just had to start school right away. Within a few months we had already moved in together and knew we were going to get married. What we didn’t know back then, was how hard it would be having two lawyers in the same house. Truth be told, if he hadn’t encouraged me to finish my BA, I would have probably dropped out during the first semester.

  Although we had known each other for almost ten years, his mother still didn’t like me. It wasn’t that she said or did anything. She just wouldn’t talk to me, except for when she wanted to confirm we’ve returned the food containers we took the week before. As far as she was concerned, Michael hadn’t married well. Not only did I work all day, but I never cooked for her poor son, either. To her, having me for wife was indeed a failure.

  I found some plain rice and took a piece of chicken. I saw Michael’s dad smiling at me. At least someone noticed me. He did talk to me much (although at the beginning he would call me Sharon), and would mostly check I was eating. It was the most important thing for him.