A Part Of Me:

by Karin Aharon

  “Dan noticed things were going south, and he started taking everyone outside. We walked away and called a big taxi for the other group. One by one they got into the car. While I was standing next to the taxi, someone threw a glass bottle that smashed on the car, just an inch away from my head. I turned around and saw the Russians walking towards me, the biggest one was holding a metal rod.” Tommy sounded as if he was telling something that happened to someone else. If it were me, I wouldn’t have been able to speak in complete sentences.

  “Sounds terrifying, how did you get out of there?”

  “The taxi driver stepped out of the car, he was angry and scared them away. I was a bit shocked from it all, but Dan told me to get quickly into the taxi and hide. Then the driver took me back home.”

  “Good thing that driver was there, he literally saved you. And also sounds like Dan is a good friend.” I tried sounding calm.

  “Right.”

  “But you have to be careful with what you say. You’re not in Australia anymore.”

  “Yes, I realize it now.”

  “OK, I need to go. I’m at the kids’ daycare. Stay out of trouble.” I grabbed my purse from the passenger seat and started running.

  Chapter 26

  For some reason, my insurance company thought it was a good idea to schedule my MRI at a hospital in Jerusalem. I was very nervous about the test and was happy that Michael took the day off and came with me. We left early in the morning thanks to Natalie who came to take the children to daycare. By the time we reached the clinic at 9 A.M., I was irritated and hungry. I still couldn’t figure out why I had to fast before having the test.

  After registering and the usual wait, I went into the doctor’s office and Michael stayed in the waiting room.

  The doctor inserted an IV tube to inject the dye, and asked me to remove my top and wear a hospital robe with the open side in front. I tried covering myself as much as I could and went into the exam room. In the middle of the frozen room stood a huge machine. I started shivering. Maybe because I was cold or scared, or maybe both. Although I was taken to the bathroom before, I felt I had to go again, but it was too late.

  “Do you have a blanket or something? I’m really cold,” I said to Boris, the technician, who instructed me to lay on my tummy on a weird plastic device and place my hands next to my head. A woman came in and arranged my breasts so that each was respectfully inserted into a separate plastic hole. The nurse connected me to an IV hanging on a device by the bed side and shoved yellow earplugs into my ears. I lay with my eyes closed and took slow breaths to calm myself down.

  “We’ll cover you soon,” he replied. “No moving please.”

  They covered me with a blanket, but it was no use. I was still freezing. “It’s warmer inside the machine,” a female voice calmed me down.

  After the preparations were over, I heard Boris’ muffled voice, “we’re moving you into the machine. You have a rescue button in your hand.” I felt something being shoved into my hand “But if you press it, we need to stop the test, and that’s a problem.” Boris pushed the bed and I felt the machine closing in on me.

  “Ok,” I answered quietly and was doubtful whether anyone heard me. I heard a door close.

  I opened my eyes and found out there was a mirror through which I could see the technicians’ room. I saw Boris get into the room and sit down.

  “We’re starting,” I heard a voice from inside the machine. Boris didn’t wait for an answer.

  A loud ticking noise scared me for a moment. The machine started making loud noises that not even the earplugs could block. I took a deep breath and tried really hard not to move. The technicians were talking to each other (I thought I could see Boris snacking on a yogurt). To them, this was another day at the office. To me, this was a fateful day. Today might be when they find my tumor, I thought to myself, and then everything would change. I wouldn’t be able to start a new job, and struggle juggling two kids with all the treatments. I might even need a surgery. It would definitely make mom sad. I didn’t want her to feel guilty. I felt a tear roll down my frozen cheek.

  I shut my eyes. I have to stop, I thought to myself. I’m panicking for no reason. I’ll wait for the results before I start freaking out. I tried calming myself down, but felt one tear following another. And another. And another. I tried thinking how I would react when I get the results. Would they send it by mail or call me? If they find something, they’ll probably call.

  I felt the machine closing in on me and all I wanted was to get up and run away. I needed to get out. Escape. I looked at the technicians sitting in the control room and drinking out of cheap plastic cups. No one looked in my direction. I almost pressed the button, but just before doing it, I thought about all the trouble I would have to go through to come again to Jerusalem. The drive, the kids, the traffic, parking. I couldn’t go through all of it again. I didn’t have a watch so I couldn’t tell how much time had passed. It felt like eternity. I hoped that at least half of the test was behind me.

  “Shirley, is everything all right?” the machine fell silent and I could only hear Boris’ muffled voice.

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  “Let’s keep going. We don’t have much left. I’m starting to inject the contrast dye.”

  I took a deep breath and tried finding something else to think about. I felt the liquid seeping into my veins. It hurt, but I couldn’t move. Why did no one tell me it hurt?

  I decided to think about all the tasks I had to brief Sarah about. There was a new file I was recently assigned and barely had time to start reading, and summaries I needed to write, and two depositions. Surprisingly, thinking about work soothed me. Still, my thoughts occasionally wandered back to the test. Mostly to its potential outcome. The doctor explained that they get plenty of false positives results because this test is very sensitive. So, regardless of what happens, I would have to follow up on this checkup. I couldn’t distract myself any longer so I tried focusing on the strange sounds the machine was making. I couldn’t find a certain rhythm to it, but it helped killing time.

  The machine fell silent, but I couldn’t tell what was happening so I was afraid to move. I opened my eyes and the technicians’ room was empty. I heard a door open and then someone pulled the bed out. I took a deep breath, a real one this time. That’s it, the nightmare was over. Boris disconnected my IV and taped a cotton ball over it.

  “You can get up,” he took the blanket off me and threw it into a big basket at the corner of the room.

  I leaned on my hands and lifted myself up. At the first chance I got, I closed the robe and slowly slid off the bed. I took my shirt and bra from my assigned locker and changed as fast as I could. When I walked back into the waiting room, I found Michael sitting on a chair at what seemed to be, the most remote corner he could find.

  He stood up when he saw me and immediately approached me. I clung on to his chest and he hugged me. We stood in the middle of the hall, Michael holding on to my bag and me, hiding between his arms, forcing myself not to collapse in front of everyone.

  “Come on, let’s get out of here,” I said when I felt I had calmed down a bit. “I’m starving, should we grab a bite?”

  “I’d love to. I haven’t eaten anything today except for a doughnut.”

  I wanted to ask him when did he get a chance to eat, but instead, I chose to tell him what happened in there. “You can’t even imagine how terrible that test is. That machine is insanely loud and although they stuck earplugs in my ears, it was awful. And staying like that for half an hour, without moving. It felt like forever.”

  “Come on, you’re passed it. The most important thing is that we get good results.”

  “This still hurts,” I took off the cotton ball and could tell the bleeding stopped. “I hope they don’t find anything.”

  We walked towards the elevator but then I stopped. “Oh, I di
dn’t ask how we get the results.”

  “I did. They send by mail within three weeks.” Michael kept walking. He was pretty bad at navigating, but it was obvious that if someone would know how to get to the cafeteria, it could only be him.

  “It’s such a long time. How can I wait for three weeks? Do you think that if the results are bad, they call first? After all, if I have cancer, every day counts, right? They’ll probably call if something’s wrong. Right?”

  “Shirley,” he stopped and looked at me. He would only use my name when I really annoyed him. “I’m sorry, but I really don’t have a clue. They only said that the results would be sent by mail within three weeks.”

  We walked into the busy lobby. Some of the people wore hospital pajamas and the others were visitors. There was a small coffee cart in the center of the hall. All the sandwiches had tomatoes, so I asked for a butter croissant (point me to the idiot who decided all sandwiches needed to have tomatoes in them?) Michael took another doughnut, despite my disapproving expression.

  We sat on the bar stools facing the view outside. The hospital was built at a beautiful location in the mountains. I ate my sticky croissant in silence, and every now and then sipped my diet coke. It was just like the old days, when we would sit together at the university cafeteria between classes, no real worries. Our biggest concern was how much we would score on the criminal law course. I would go back to those times in a heartbeat.

  Michael and I met on our first day at the university and ever since then, we’ve been together. We got married on our third year and after our internship we bought a small apartment in Herzliya. I wonder if Michael would have married me if he knew about my defective gene. When I asked him once, he said that he would, but I guess I’ll never know.

  I thought about how the genetic test had changed my life. Just the thought of having to take that terrible MRI every year, made me cringe. On the other hand, if that’s what it takes to keep me alive, then it’s worth it.

  “And what if they find something?” I asked Michael quietly, while still looking at the Jerusalem view.

  “They won’t.” Michael crumpled the doughnut napkin into a ball and shoved it into the ashtray on the table. He stood up.

  “But what if they do?” I looked at him and tried so hard not to cry in the middle of the cafeteria.

  “If they find something, which they won’t, then we’ll deal with it. Come on, let’s go.”

  “You make it sound so simple. But it really isn’t. One day I’ll take the test and they’ll tell me that they found something. If it’s not this test, then it’ll be the next. And if not on the next one then on the one after that. It’s a matter of time, but it’s almost a sure thing.”

  “That’s not true. You were the one who told me that there are carriers who didn’t get sick.” Michael started walking and I followed.

  “Didn’t get sick in the meantime. I repeat, in the meantime.”

  “But there are such carriers. So, we can’t know for sure what would happen.” Michael kept walking and I walked slowly behind him.

  “If you had an 80% chance of winning the lottery, you would by a ticket, right?” I stood and Michael turned to me, “because you would know that you have a pretty good chance at winning. This is just like that.”

  “It’s not the same thing Shirley. Are you coming?”

  “You don’t realize what it’s like living like this. Waiting for an inevitable nightmare. It goes both for me and my mother. They say that only after 5 cancer-free years she’ll get off the danger list, but it’s barely been two years.”

  “Exactly. So let it go and live your life. You have to move on.”

  “I can’t move on. It’s a part of me, wherever I go. This ghost, haunting me. This anxiety from the cancer, that one day will strike. You can’t even begin to understand what’s going on through my mind.”

  “That’s true. But maybe we can talk about it in the car on our way home?”

  “OK,” I said, but I was too tired to try and explain myself again. Michael spent our drive back home taking work calls and I tried thinking who should I call first if the results are bad. By the time we got home I had already decided that I would call Michael. Not because there was anything he could do, but mostly so I could tell him: “I told you so.”

  Chapter 27

  My last month at Nathan’s office went by quickly. I sat with Sarah as much as possible and introduced her to all my clients. Sarah occasionally complained, but was mostly supportive. The MRI results came in too, and according to the doctor, everything was fine (if a benign finding could be referred to as ‘fine’. I preferred they found nothing at all).

  The kids’ daycares were closed for the summer, so Natalie would come every morning. I notified Alice’s office that I would start working at the beginning of the school year. Alice understood and even suggested that I start a few days later, so Adam could adjust to his new daycare. I was shocked at first, and then willingly accepted.

  On my last day at the office, Nathan decided he would go the extra mile, and host a festive goodbye lunch party for me at a good restaurant. That was the first and last time I ate with Nathan (and the second partner, who still wouldn’t talk to me).

  “As you all know,” Nathan stood and enjoyed the attention. “Shirley is leaving us today.”

  “Bad girl” Sarah whispered to me, and I didn’t even bother trying to conceal my huge smile.

  “We can say a lot of good things about Shirley,” Nathan continued ceremoniously, “but we can also say other things.” I was shocked but kept quiet. Sarah looked at me with a horrified expression. “She was one of the first lawyers to join us when we started the firm, and took a big part in shaping it as you know it today. She’s moving on and we wish her all the best.” He raised his wine glass and everyone joined him.

  “Thank you very much for everything,” I said when I was asked to say a few words and didn’t have much of a choice. What I really wanted to say was that it was a stressful period in my life that made me think every day about changing a career. But I was able to put things delicately. “It was a special period of time, and maybe, we’ll work together again sometime.”

  Nathan gave me a present from the partners – a jewelry box. If he would have bothered to try and get to know me, he would have known that it was the most redundant gift he could have given me. I only had the necklace mom gave me and I wore it all the time.

  I had a few free days before starting my new job, which I spent desperately trying to keep two small kids busy. Michael took a few days off and we both ran from one air-conditioned place to another, in an attempt to keep our sanity. We were exhausted and crashed into our beds every evening. Mom promised to help me one of these days, but something would always come up at work. Her employees were also away with their children.

  One afternoon I was suddenly hungry and asked Michael to get me a pita with shawarma. I swallowed the entire thing within seconds. After I soothed my crazy appetite, I realized how strange it was. In the evening I sent Michael for yet another mission, this time to the pharmacy.

  The next morning I woke Michael up with a cup of coffee and a white stick with two blue stripes.

  Chapter 28

  “Hello, this is Shirley Moshe speaking. I have an appointment with Dr. Gidron in two weeks from now. I wanted to know if I could perhaps have an earlier appointment? I just found out I’m pregnant so it’s a bit urgent.” I opened the door, and told mom to come in. She was glowing with joy. I called her earlier that morning to tell her and she said she would come after work.

  “Congratulations. I don’t have any available appointments at the moment, but I’ll write down your number and get back to you if I have any cancellations.”

  “Thank you. It would be great if I could come in earlier.”

  I gave the secretary my phone number and hung up. I turned to hug mom, who was al
ready hugging Adam and Ariel. They proudly showed her all their drawings. They were both covered in markers on every imaginable spot, but it was a small price to pay for a few minutes of silence.

  “So, how are you feeling?” mom asked.

  “The same, I think. It’s probably still very early.” I took her aside because I didn’t want the kids to know. Adam was old enough to understand the word ‘pregnancy.’ Half of the moms in daycare were pregnant and the other half had just given birth. “Let’s talk in the kitchen.”

  “What’s the matter?”

  “I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant now, mom. I planned on checking with Dr. Gidron about the procedure I told you about. Where they choose a healthy fetus, without the gene. And in any case, I’m supposed to start a new job in a week. And this apartment isn’t big enough for three children. You know I wanted another child, but this really is a bad time.”

  “It’s never a good time,” mom hugged me tightly and kissed my forehead. She was taller than me and I still felt like a little girl when I was with her. She told me that when I was younger, I asked if she could give me her clothes when she died. We would joke that to this day, her clothes were too big for me.

  “I know, but it’s not really what I planned. I wanted to make sure that I hadn’t passed on the gene to anyone else. I want to save Adam and Ariel from this thing. I wanted to at least to spare our next child this concern. How can I live with myself knowing that I could have stopped the gene from passing on and didn’t?”

  “You don’t know whether it did. Maybe none of them got it.”

  “Oh come on, what are the chances that all three don’t get it?”

  “There’s always a chance. Don’t think about it now. Just focus on the things that can be helped. Like buying a new apartment.”

  “Yes. And what about Alice? What do I tell her? ‘Hey, Alice. In a few months I’ll be on maternity leave.’ She’ll kill me. She’s been waiting for me for almost two months, and now I’m pregnant?”