A Part Of Me:

by Karin Aharon

  “The surgery went well, and we removed the entire tumor.” We all breathed a sigh of relief, he continued, “I think it’s a c-met from the ovarian cancer, and not a separate one.” I wasn’t sure whether that was a good or a bad thing. Or, actually, did it make things worse.

  “What’s next?” Gabi asked, and we all looked at the doctor.

  “She’ll soon be moved to recovery, and then we’ll see how her rehabilitation goes. I can’t tell to what extent her brain has been damaged, but from what we saw, there was no substantial area affected that might impair her functioning.”

  “Great, thank you so much, doctor,” Gabi said, and although he was trying to keep himself together, his voice disclosed his stress and excitement. The doctor was gone in seconds and Gabi turned to us. “You can leave if you want. It’ll take some time before they move her to her room.”

  “Sure, I’ll be back in the evening,” I said and hugged him tightly. This time, he hugged me back.

  ***

  Mom woke up completely paralyzed. She couldn’t move her legs and needed round-the-clock help. Julie saved the day once again, and arranged shifts with all their friends who came from all over the country to take their turn at the hospital.

  Natalie came every day after working in the supermarket to be with the kids. I think she paid for her driving license just from working for us. She started saving for a car.

  After a week at the hospital, mom was discharged home with a wheelchair. She didn’t want my help with anything, because she didn’t want to burden me. She kept sending me home to rest and be with the children. I explained over and over again that when I’m with her, I rest more than I do at home; that put her mind at ease.

  At home, she moved around with a walker, while her phone hung on her neck plugged to her earphones. Trying to avoid radiation seemed a bit pointless after they had found a tumor in her head, but she insisted. Just like that phase when she used only natural deodorants, special cleaning products for her vegetables and ecologic shampoo. We just went with it and used chemicals and radiation far away from her.

  As the weeks passed by, things became better and mom was recovering. She obviously went back to work the moment she could drive to the office. Only her appetite was still lacking and she was weak. I would joke that even though I was eating for two, it didn’t mean she should stop eating. She didn’t think it was funny.

  Chapter 36

  I went into labor in the middle of the night, but couldn’t reach Natalie. It was Pesach vacation and she was probably sleeping in. Eventually, my contractions were getting closer together and I had to call mom so we could go to the hospital. Home birth wasn’t really my thing.

  Michael dropped me off at the labor emergency entrance and went to the park. I got off the elevator and slowly walked to the reception desk.

  “I think I’m in labor,” I told the nurse, who handed me a form.

  “If you’re walking around like that, I don’t think you are, but let’s check,” she said, and the only thing that crossed my mind was that I woke mom up, who wasn’t feeling too well, at 4 A.M. for no reason.

  They connected me to the monitor when Michael walked in. “Anything new?”

  “We just started the monitor, let’s hope there really is something.” My guilt started bothering me more than the contractions.

  Michael sat on the ‘husband-chair’ and napped. The monitor beeping didn’t wake him up.

  “You have regular contractions two minutes apart, but still not dilated enough,” the nurse announced. “We’ll find a free delivery room for you.”

  I was shocked, but also relieved. I didn’t wake mom up for no reason.

  The on-call doctor came in when the shift changed. “How are things going?” he asked the delivery nurse.

  “Three centimeters dilation and regular contractions.”

  “I want to have a natural birth” I said before they could decide for me.

  The doctor looked at me amused. “Everyone says that and then cries for the anaesthesiologist.”

  “I didn’t say that you should send him home” I replied.

  Only after confirming that Natalie was with the kids, could I think about the labor itself. But in fact, all I could think of, was that mom wasn’t there. I sat on the physio ball crying, finding it impossible to believe that she wasn’t there with me. This was my first time in the delivery room without her. The thought of it filled me with pain, almost greater than the contractions. Michael was running around, bringing water, massaging me and calling the delivery nurse over and over again. But contrary to what the doctor had predicted, I did just fine without the anaesthesiologist and this time, Michael wasn’t wounded during the birth.

  When Romy was born, she didn’t cry. The delivery nurse placed her on me and the baby looked at me with her big eyes.

  They picked her up so she would cry and get her color back, then gave her to me, all pink and crying. I held her and cried even when she had already stopped. We both probably wanted our mom.

  In the afternoon mom and Gabi came to see Romy. Mom wore make-up and nice clothes. She covered her bald head with a peach-colored fabric, that matched her shirt. Romy quietly slept in her cot. Michael also came with the kids, who suddenly seemed so big. Unlike the rest of the guests, they weren’t as excited about our new addition.

  My dad came too, and announced that the baby looked just like his mom. I actually thought she looked like my mom, but said nothing since he was so excited.

  Two months later, we moved to our new house and Romy finally got a proper cot, which we didn’t have room for in our previous apartment. We could now change her diaper on a changing table and not on the computer desk. I hoped we weren’t spoiling her too much, after all, she was a third child.

  Chapter 37

  My maternity leave went by too quickly, and the day of my return to the office was slowly approaching. Although I loved working with Alice, I didn’t feel like going back to work. I was still trying to wrap my head around the idea of having to work full time while taking care of the house and kids.

  I used the Sukkoth holiday to have a morning alone with mom in our regular café. I sent Michael with the kids to the park for some daddy quality time.

  “When are you going back to work?” mom carefully tasted the soup she was served. It was nice meeting her like this, alone, without the kids, without my brothers. Just the two of us. These were truly rare moments and I cherished them. It was amazing how this disease made me appreciate things that were otherwise taken for granted.

  “After the holidays, as people say. Alice doesn’t mind.” I mixed my salad and added some salt. I was still hoping to lose my baby weight before I go back to work.

  “That’s nice of her.”

  Ever since the cancer came back, mom tried eating healthy again. She stayed away from sweets and tried eating a lot of vegetables and fruits. I also tried, and lasted for about two months, but she somehow managed.

  “Have you had a checkup recently?” I stopped eating and looked at her.

  “Yes, about a week ago, everything is fine. Dr. Carmi said he was really pleased.” Mom smiled a big victory smile.

  “Good, because I had a terrible nightmare the other day.” I turned back to my salad.

  “Oh, don’t start. I can’t even think about it.”

  “Then don’t, it’s nothing, just my personal fears.” Of which I had plenty. Sometimes I dreamt I was running through the hospital halls looking for mom and not finding her anywhere. Sometimes I would dream that Gabi called and told me she was gone. The dreams changed, but the ending was always the same. I would wake up, my pulse racing and my eyes tearing, and usually I couldn’t go back to sleep.

  “What do you want to do for your birthday? I can’t believe I have a thirty-two-year-old daughter.” Mom placed her hand on mine and looked at me in a way only a mother could
.

  “I can’t believe it either., I would be happy if we just all went together to eat somewhere.” It would also be Gabi’s birthday. We always celebrated together and I thought he would agree to this arrangement. We both didn’t like crowded gatherings.

  “As you wish, sweetie. Make reservations to wherever you want.” Mom finished her soup and peeked at the display window with the delicate handmade cakes.

  “But without the kids. I really want to eat quietly.” I saw that she kept staring at the desserts, so I suggested, “would you like to share one with me?”

  “You know what? Order one and I’ll take a small bite.”

  I ordered a vanilla cream raspberry tart, which was one of her favorites. When the tart came, I took a small bite and let mom have the rest. If I was about to ruin my diet, might as well do it at the best bakery around.

  Chapter 38

  Mom called to tell me she probably won’t make it to my birthday. She didn’t sound so good over the phone, and wasn’t feeling well for a few days. Her back ached and she kept going in and out of the hospital, trying to figure out what it was.

  “If you’re not coming then I’ll cancel, there’s no point celebrating my birthday without you.” I signaled Michael to come and take Adam from me and moved away from the dining table.

  “No, don’t cancel. Gabi will come.”

  “No way.” Adam stood up and took his plate to the sink. I was so proud of him.

  “OK, sweetie. I’ll take something for the pain and try to come.”

  “Thanks, mom. I want both of you there.” I looked at the oven clock and saw we had to leave in two hours. That was enough time for the pill to work so that mom could come. I couldn’t imagine her not being at my birthday celebration.

  When we arrived at the restaurant, everyone was waiting. Grandpa came with Eric and Ruth, and stood up for us when we walked in. Always a gentleman, even in his eighties. We chatted and laughed, the food was great too.

  But I couldn’t help notice mom moving uncomfortably in her chair, I could see the pain in her eyes. Although I felt guilty and childish for dragging her down here, I realized I couldn’t really celebrate my birthday without her. I could see Gabi was concerned. He smiled and made his regular jokes, even threw in a dirty one, but he kept looking at mom and constantly asked her if she wanted to leave.

  She really tried putting on a brave face and held up. They left during dessert, and little by little so did everyone else.

  “Mom isn’t doing well, did you notice?” Michael opened the restaurant door and stepped outside to the cold night. That is, I was cold and Michael wasn’t, as usual.

  “Yes, she doesn’t look too good.”

  “I don’t know what to do, or how I should help her.” We held hands and walked alone down the dark road.

  “What can you do? They told her it was a urinary infection.”

  “I don’t think that’s true. She’s been taking her antibiotics for days and nothing seems to get better. I told her I think she needs to see an Orthopedist, maybe it has to do with her back and not the kidneys.”

  “Maybe, I have no idea.” Michael took out the car keys and handed them to me with a smile. “Come, take me home.”

  Michael turned on the radio and put a station that only played old Israeli songs. I rolled my eyes, but kept quiet. In any case, I needed some time to think. Sadly, most of the thoughts crossing my mind were grim. I hoped I was just being hysterical. When we got home, I texted mom the phone number of the closest Orthopedist, who usually had available appointments. I hoped she would take my advice and go see him.

  “Happy birthday!” Michael said when we got into bed and the whole house was dark.

  “I wish. Something terrible happens every year on my birthday.”

  Michael didn’t answer. I looked closer and saw he fell asleep. His ability to fall asleep within seconds, kept astonishing me. There were several things I loved about him; this wasn’t one of them.

  Chapter 39

  I picked Romy up from the nanny and the kids from their daycares. Having three different pick-up stops was time-consuming, which is why I was always the last to arrive to Tammy’s daycare to pick up Ariel.

  “You know I can’t ask the other teachers to stay until the very last minute?” Tammy caressed Adam’s head, he then ran straight into the ball pit. He really did miss this daycare.

  “Yes, I’m sorry. It just takes a long time taking them in and out of the car, over and over again.” Ariel grabbed her bag from the hanger and ran to me.

  “There are other moms here who have more than one kid,” she looked at me and forced a smile, “but Ariel is really great.” Tammy hugged Ariel, who had a proud expression. There was play dough tangled in her curls and her mouth was smeared with chocolate. No wonder she likes it here.

  When I became a mom, I swore I wouldn’t be one of those moms who came last. My mom was one of those. She finished working at 4, which was also when the daycare closed. I used to wait with one of the cranky teachers outside, and hear her ranting to herself. Every day mom came heaving and apologizing. Back then, divorced women weren’t referred to as “single moms”, and didn’t have any support or understanding. So, I did my best to make it on time, or at least make sure someone else came on time, but it didn’t always work out.

  The kids loved Tammy’s daycare. Adam had mentioned several times how he missed Tammy’s cooking. He would only eat the vegetables and meatballs Tammy made, since I couldn’t make them as well as her.

  When I was in the first grade, mom found a private after-school-care for me, with someone who lived right next to school. Her name was Bella and I remember not understanding why they would call such an ugly woman ‘Bella’, but it seemed rude to ask. I would walk from school to her house, and have lunch at her place. Once a week, she would make pasta with tomato sauce. The sauce congealed into sticky lumps that clung on to the thick pasta. To this day, I am sick to my stomach when I smell that pasta. Perhaps that’s what made me hate tomatoes, who knows.

  We were about to leave the daycare when I suddenly realized something. “Ariel, these aren’t your shoes.” I could barely bend over with Romy in my arms as I tried taking those shoes off Ariel’s feet. “Where are your shoes? You were wearing sneakers today.”

  Ariel pointed at the sparkly pink ballerina shoes on her feet and smiled innocently.

  “She said these were her shoes. Now that I think of it, something weird happened today, because Leah did tell her grandfather that she came without shoes today.” Tammy and I looked at Ariel, who joined Adam in the ball pit. I felt awkward asking who Leah was, but Tammy noticed my bewilderment and said, “Leah is the nice doctor’s daughter, Dr. Rubinstein. He really is charming. He works a lot, and so does his wife” (they came on time, I guess).

  “Ariel, are these Leah’s shoes?” I yelled to her, but she didn’t reply. She ignored me.

  “I’m really sorry,” I said to Tammy and placed Romy on one of the sticky mattresses. “I’ll look for Ariel’s shoes so we can leave Leah’s shoes here.”

  Tammy looked in the jungle gym and I looked through the toy box. Adam thought this was the perfect time to try and play catch with Romy, who could barely catch her own pacifier.

  I suddenly thought I should check Ariel’s bag. Her shoes were hidden under some drawings and spare clothes I would always send with her. I pulled her out of the ball pit and put on her shoes. I left Leah’s shoes on one of the chairs. The entire floor was covered in balls and Tammy picked them up, one by one with Adam. Strangely, she only had to ask him once, and he immediately starting cleaning up and putting the balls back into the pit.

  “I’m truly sorry. Please also send Leah’s parents my apologies.” I picked Romy up. She had already rolled from the mattress to the floor and succeeded grabbing one of the balls. I wiped her spit off of it and threw it back into the pit. Tammy
looked at me and politely smiled. We left about 15 minutes after closing time.

  Tammy left with us and hugged and kissed the kids goodbye. I was hoping that despite it all, in the future she’d take Romy too. But after this day, I didn’t have a good feeling about it.

  When we got home, I felt as if I had completed a marathon. I sat on the sofa and the children scattered around the house. Romy was placed in the play-pen for her own safety. I called mom to ask when she was coming over, but she didn’t answer.

  I wanted to slice one of Ariel’s favorite apples for her. But sadly, the knife made a single cut, and it wasn’t the apple. While I climbed up the stairs to look for the iodine, Gabi called.

  “Hey, Gabi, what’s up?” I put the finger in my mouth so I wouldn’t drip blood everywhere.

  “I have some bad news.” He sounded so serious that I simply stopped walking. “They found something in mom’s spine. They told her to go back to the hospital.”

  “What does it mean?” Adam and Ariel were fighting about something and I got into the bathroom and closed the door. Gabi hated talking to me with the kids screaming in the background, and it was important to me that he kept talking.

  “It means that the cancer is back, Shirley. That’s what it means.” He raised his voice, but I knew it wasn’t personal.

  “Can’t it be something else?”

  “I don’t think so. He didn’t say anything else.” He spoke quietly again. “You realize what that means, right?”

  “Yes, I have to go. I’ll call you back when I can talk quietly.”

  I locked the door, and sat on the bathroom floor, trying to replay the conversation in my head. A single tear rolled down my cheek, and then more followed. I cried like Ariel would when someone refused to obey her.

  “Mom, Ariel bit me.” Adam shouted and tried opening the door. “Mom, open the door.”

  “In a minute. Stay in your room. I’ll be right there.” I needed a few moments to myself.