A Part Of Me:

by Karin Aharon

  We arrived at the hospital ER. Judging by the amount of people, you would think this was the hottest hangout in Tel Aviv on Saturday noon. While the paramedics gave the nurse the relevant information, I texted Gabi that we were inside.

  They connected mom to the monitor. We were already familiar with every parameter on this monitor. The blood saturation parameter was too low.

  “Can someone maybe take a look at what’s going on here?” I asked the on-call doctor again, who looked as if she herself needed to lie down and rest on one of the ER beds.

  “I’ll be right with you,” she replied and kept walking away.

  Gabi arrived a few minutes later. Mom shut her eyes and rested. I used the opportunity to quietly point at the low number. Gabi nodded with concern and we both stood silent by mom’s bed.

  After what felt like forever, a doctor, whose name I didn’t catch, came over. He said mom needs a special CT to check her lungs. Each time mom looked my way, I smiled at her, when in fact, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

  “You can go. Take a taxi to our place.” Gabi handed over my purse, that was on the bed next to mom.

  “I can stay with you.” I was willing to stay as long as it took. Michael was home with the kids, and he hadn’t even called me, which meant everyone was still alive.

  “No need. I’ll let you know after the exams. It can take awhile.” Gabi insisted and it was no use arguing with him, so I kissed and hugged mom goodbye.

  I stepped out into the disgustingly humid Tel Aviv air. Although Gabi was there with her, I felt I had abandoned mom at the hospital.

  “OK, they’re waiting for a CT at the ER,” I told Jonathan on my way to the taxi station.

  “Yes, dad told me.”

  “She’s in real pain.” A few tears rolled down my cheeks.

  “Yes,” Jonathan replied and I could hear the sadness in his voice.

  “I don’t know what else we can do to help her,” I said with complete despair.

  Jonathan kept quiet. There was really nothing else for us to say or do, other than what was already being said and done. We agreed to talk later.

  When I returned home, the children sat around the table, smeared with chocolate in every place imaginable.

  “She wanted a birthday cake,” Michael smiled apologetically.

  “But her birthday is in two weeks from now…” I heard something crack and noticed I had stepped on sprinkles scattered all over the sticky floor (and the table, the counter, and Ariel’s happy face).

  “I’ll clean up,” Michael said when I walked into the kitchen and tried looking for a clean spot to put my purse down.

  Egg leftovers, flour and sugar caked the counter, and Ariel’s chocolaty handprints were all over the cabinets. I took a deep breath and tried to keep it together. I really tried. But I couldn’t.

  “Why was it so important to do it today? I can’t believe you agreed to this!” My voice grew louder with every word, until I was literally screaming. The kids looked at me and then at Michael.

  “I told you I’d clean up. Go rest.”

  “Seriously?! We need to get a cleaning crew to handle this mess!”

  “Mom, we’ll clean up,” Adam said, as he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a rag. He started cleaning one of the cabinet doors but only smeared the chocolate everywhere.

  “Leave it, I’ll clean up,” I said angrily, even though I tried calming down. “Finish eating.”

  Adam went back to his chocolate cake and I took my anger out on cleaning. I scrubbed the cabinet doors (how on earth did they get dirty on the inside?!) I rubbed the counter (if Michael would have bothered cleaning it earlier, it wouldn’t be this sticky!) and I washed all the dishes they used (why did they need three different bowls?!). Mom used to say, there’s some dirt only mothers see. At that moment, I understood what she meant.

  Just as I opened the oven, and witnessed the horror in it, Gabi called.

  “So, we just came back from the doctor,” he said, as if we had already started the conversation, “and mom has a blood clot in her lung.”

  “How did that happen?” I gave up, what more could happen to her?

  “They say it’s from the cancer. She needs blood thinners again.”

  “I’ll come tomorrow after work to visit. Will someone be with her tomorrow?” For a moment, I tried remembering when was the last time I could spontaneously do whatever I wanted, without having to check with Natalie, Alice or Michael. I couldn’t.

  “Julie will be here tomorrow morning and Jonathan said he’ll come at noon, when he wakes up.”

  “OK, so we’ll be in touch. Give her kisses for me.”

  “Shirley says hi,” I heard him saying seconds before we hung up.

  I put the phone down and closed my eyes.

  “What’s wrong with Cathy?” Adam asked.

  “She fell and got hurt. She’s going to stay at the hospital for a while.” I caressed his hair, which was similar to Tommy’s.

  “I also fell today, I hurt my knee. Look,” he pointed at a little blue mark on his knee and gave me a worried look. “Do I also need to go to the hospital?”

  “No, honey, you’re fine.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Positive.”

  “Good.” He started walking into the kitchen, but then turned around and asked, “but Cathy’s also going to be fine, right?”

  “We hope so,” I lied to him, “the doctors are doing their very best.”

  “Good. I love Cathy.”

  Adam went to play with his toys, while Ariel took another piece of cake, with Michael’s help this time. I went to the bathroom, locked the door, and only then could I cry on my own.

  Chapter 56

  “You’re at work?” I asked mom in complete shock. Anna peeked over her computer screen but kept quiet.

  “Yes,” she replied proudly. “June came with me.” June was mom’s new Philippine nurse, who started helping mom when things went south and we didn’t have much of a choice.

  “You took your nurse to the office? I’m shocked!” I couldn’t believe it. I thought that after having to move around in a wheelchair most of the time, she wouldn’t go to the office every day. But she wouldn’t give up. Anna also had a shocked expression but didn’t say a word.

  “OK, good for you. I’m stunned. I wouldn’t go to work for much less.” My envy towards her employees reared its head again. It was unfair that they spent time with her and I was stuck in my office with a pile of files.

  “I prefer keeping busy and not having time to think.”

  “I can get that…” I replied, “OK, so I’ll come over at about 6.”

  “Good, sweetie, I’d like that. I have to go to a meeting. We just approved an extension in Kibbutz Einat and we’re having a toast.”

  “Are you allowed to drink with all the drugs you’re taking?” Anna quietly peeked at me again.

  “That’s not what’s going to kill me, sweetie. Enjoy work, see you in the evening.”

  “What’s going on with your surgery?” Anna asked when I hung up.

  “I’m waiting for answers from the insurance company about the funding. But I’m planning on having it after the holidays.”

  “Good, I wanted to tell you that I think you’re really brave.” Anna gave me a surprising hug.

  “Brave? I’m not at all brave. On the contrary. I’m terrified. It’s just a matter of what scares me more. Once the surgery scared me more, but now it’s the cancer. That’s it. Balance of terror.”

  “All in all, logical” Anna laughed. “I still think it’s a brave move.”

  “Thank you. But I’m really doing it so that my kids won’t have to go through what I’m going through with my mom.”

  Anna held my hand for a few seconds, as if trying to pass on mystical powers. An i
nsubordinate tear rolled down my cheek, and smeared the makeup I used to hide the dark circles that settled around my eyes.

  “How is Michael handling the whole surgery thing?” Anna asked with caution. “Does it bother him? You know, after all, it’s not really the same thing.”

  “He claims that he’s perfectly fine with it and it doesn’t make a difference to him. I think he just doesn’t understand what this surgery truly means. It’s going to be even worse with the ovaries. I’ve heard scary stories about loss of sexual drive, weight gain, hot flashes… in short, we’re only getting started.”

  “Wow, it sounds horrible. Doesn’t it freak you out, hearing all these stories?”

  “If I don’t read them, would it change anything? I’d rather know everything. All possible scenarios. I want to be prepared as much as possible.”

  “I don’t know if I would have done it. Sounds scary.”

  “Like I said, when the other option is cancer, it’s not as scary. Besides, there are hormones you can take that help with those symptoms. In any case, I have to remove my ovaries. That’s something that almost all carriers do. I’m sure that if my mom would have known about the gene sooner, she would have gone through that surgery, and we wouldn’t be in this situation.”

  When we walked into the kitchen, we joined all the girls eating their lunch standing up. I sat quietly eating my tomato-free salad and listened to their conversations. Lea was talking about taking her kids to Netherlands this summer (how can I book a flight when mom’s in her current state?) Carry is going to a cabin up north (I wonder if they’d let you cancel last moment in case you need to attend a funeral?) Nancy said her parents were taking the entire family to Cyprus for a week (which we could never do, since no one could take us). But what really broke my heart, was when Emily said that she and her sister were going with their mom for a weekend in Berlin (some “girl time”). The only place my mom and I visited together, was Tel Aviv. More specifically, the Tel Aviv Medical Center.

  ***

  “She tried dialing with the remote, like a phone,” Gabi told me when we spoke in the evening.

  “What?” I was just getting ready to give the kids a bath. Ariel ran away naked and I tried bringing her back with Romy still in my arms. She was getting too heavy for this.

  “She tried calling you from the TV’s remote control. And yesterday, she tried answering a phone call, but couldn’t. As if she had forgotten how to use her phone. Something isn’t right and I don’t think it has anything to do with her falling down.”

  “So, what do you think it is?” I put Romy down and she ran towards Ariel.

  “I don’t know.” I heard Gabi’s favorite talk show in the background. Even when he’d occasionally come over to babysit, he would watch it loudly.

  “Maybe you should ask Dr. Bloom? Maybe it has something to do with the cancer?”

  “I left him a message and I’m waiting for him to call me back.”

  “Do you want me to come over? Michael will soon be here, so I can come.”

  Romy and Ariel were jumping on Ariel’s bed. Romy wasn’t wearing a diaper, so all I could do was hope we don’t have any unnecessary accidents.

  “You don’t have to come,” he didn’t tell me not to come, which to me was a sign that he wanted me to come but didn’t feel comfortable asking.

  “I’ll come over. I’ll text you when I’m on my way. Bye.”

  I grabbed both of them and successfully got them into the shower. Ariel splashed Romy and me, and the floor. At least now, I don’t need to take a shower, and I can leave as soon as Michael walks in.

  I stopped at mom’s favorite café to get a tart, but they didn’t have the kind that she liked. I chose some éclairs and rushed to their place.

  The door was unlocked so I let myself in. Gabi was sitting in the living room, watching some talk show. I gave him a kiss on the head and then went to mom.

  I walked into the room and mom smiled at me. But it was a different smile. An honestly calm smile. As if she suddenly possessed a certain serenity. As if it wasn’t her who was about to die of ovarian cancer. She watched a silly sitcom, as usual, and when she tried lowering the volume, she changed the channel instead. I helped her and sat next to her with the éclair.

  “Would you like to have a dessert?” I asked and offered her the pastry.

  “Of course, thank you, sweetie.” She took a bite and then placed the éclair on her nightstand. She went back to watching TV, as if I wasn’t there.

  We sat there quietly for a few minutes.

  “Were you at work today?”

  “I think so,” she replied quietly.

  It was an especially weird conversation. She answered my questions, but nothing else. After fifteen minutes, she said she was tired. I kissed her goodbye and she fell asleep.

  “It really is strange,” I said to Gabi when I came back to the living room.

  “Right?” Gabi kept looking at the TV.

  “Has Bloom called you back?”

  “Not yet.”

  “Is this what you do every evening?”

  “Why not? I’m resting.”

  “Maybe we should go out someday? You haven’t gone out in months. I’ll even go with you to a concert.” Those who knew me, knew that to me this was a real sacrifice of my free time.

  Gabi smiled. “Not interested.”

  “But why?” It pained me to think he sat here alone every evening. “We’ll go out and you’ll get some fresh air. You deserve having some fun, too. June can stay with mom.”

  “I can’t go out without her,” Gabi said assertively, and it was clear he was trying to make me drop it, but mostly, he wanted to stop talking.

  “OK, if you change your mind, let me know.”

  I sat with him and watched another commentator commenting on a different political scandal. At least when it came to these matters, things were predictable. At some point I noticed it was late, so I kissed him goodbye and went back home. The entire way back, I kept having this image of Gabi (sitting alone in the dark, a whiskey glass in one hand, the remote in the other,) and mom (lying in bed with that weird smile). It was hard trying to remember how things used to be. How they used to be. Everything took such an extreme turn, and the realization that things would never be the same, made me so sad...

  Chapter 57

  “I don’t see the problem; we told them that we have about five shows a week for schools. Why do they keep saying they don’t have all the data?” David asked with a naivety that was typical of someone who was engaged in a judicial fight against the government.

  “They’re just trying to make things harder, don’t let it get to you.” I collected all the pages with the notes I had made and stapled them together.

  “So, now what?” David picked his bag off the floor and stood up. “Is there anything else I can do?”

  “Not right now. I’ll make a draft of our response and I’ll email it to you.”

  “Again, thank you so much.” David warmly shook my hand, “I’ve already told Alice, several times, what a pleasure it is working with you.”

  “Thank you,” I think I was blushing, “it’s a pleasure for me too. You’re one of our best clients.” I stood up to walk him to the door, but then got a text. “We’ll keep in touch,” I said and went back to my desk.

  I hoped it wasn’t a text from Natalie saying she couldn’t come. We were about to have a meeting so we could divide the work load for the summer vacation. If I won’t attend it, I might accidently get cases I really don’t want to handle. Due to summer camp considerations, most lawyers are taking their vacation during the last week or two of August. This year, we were trying to plan ahead and make sure there was at least one of us here every day. Despite the summer hiatus, there were still urgent matters that required attention.

  “Call me,” Gabi wrote, as if he was
charged per word. I immediately called him.

  “What happened?” I asked nervously.

  “Mom fell again and we’re in the ER. The orthopedic ER.”

  “I’m coming.” I plainly stated. I organized my purse and shoved my phone charger in first.

  “Tell Alice I had to go because my mom is in the ER,” I told Anna as I left.

  I ran to the parking lot. A familiar sense of anxiety weighed my chest down. I tried taking deep breaths and calm down, but couldn’t.

  ***

  I found mom on a stretcher in the orthopedic ER hall.

  “We’re waiting for an X-ray,” Gabi said when I hugged him.

  “Do you want something to eat or drink? I can go to the cafeteria.

  “I can’t eat,” mom said in a weak tone, “I want to throw up.”

  “I’ll go get myself something to eat.” Gabi took a long look at mom and then left.

  “Did you leave work again?”

  “Of course.” I looked for a chair, but they were all taken.

  “They gave me a lot of liquids and I have to go to the bathroom.” Mom pointed at the empty IV bag and put her hand back down.

  “Are you allowed to get up?”

  “I don’t think you can help me. I’m too heavy for you. Could you ask for a bedpan?”

  “OK, I’ll go get one.” I tried looking for someone who could give mom a bedpan, but all the nurses were running around. They all looked so busy and I didn’t want to bother them. I wandered around the hall and then saw someone grab some sheets from a room facing the bathroom. I waited for her to walk away, and then got into the small room that was filled with sheets, towels, gloves, and many other things, some of which I didn’t recognize. On one of the shelves, I found a small cardboard bedpan. I then helped mom use it. I couldn’t believe this was happening. Mom and I, in the middle of the hall, with a bedpan. Despite being shocked, I kept operating on auto-pilot. Not thinking, just doing.

  I looked for a place to leave the bedpan and then went back to mom.