“I don’t know… you’re tired all the time, emotional, nauseous, pale….”
“Oh,” realization hit me smack between the eyes. I muttered a curse word under my breath, then a quick apology to soften the glare I’d earned from Anjelita. How had I missed that one? I did the math in my head before letting loose a whole string of mental curse words. Really, how on earth had I missed that one?
“Neena?” Anjelita placed a hand over mine. “If you are, that’s a good thing, right?”
“We don’t know that I am,” I shoved my plate away miserably. “Can we not say anything to anyone?”
“Anyone?” she arched an eyebrow.
“Anyone,” I met her gaze sternly.
“You can’t lie to him. I can’t lie to him. Why would you?”
“It’s not a lie. I’m just not telling him anything until I’m certain.”
“But once you’re certain….”
“Sure, sure. I’ll tell him then.”
Chapter Twelve
Once back in college, I’d gone to an amusement park with some friends. After an entire day of harassment, they finally convinced me to go on a roller coaster with them. The Ragin Cajun—I still shudder at the name. The second the steel bar clamped down on my lap, I’d known it was a bad idea. But then the coaster lurched forward and it was too late to do anything but hang on for dear life and pray like I never had before.
As I stared at the little pink lines on the stick in my trembling hand, I realized the steel bar had just come down for a whole new kind of ride.
It had been Saturday before I’d managed to convince Charlie to drive me to the neighboring town to check on my jewelry stock in the little shop that carried my things. Of course, while he and Cara were having lunch, I snuck over to the five-and-dime to buy a pregnancy test. Which I used in the employee restroom. Where I was currently sitting on the dirty linoleum floor, trying not to have a nervous breakdown.
That stupid little stick shook so badly, I almost convinced myself I was just seeing double. When the sixteen-year-old kid who manned the front counter started knocking impatiently on the door, I wrapped the offending device in a paper towel and shoved it to the bottom of the trash can.
“Coming. Sorry,” I called as I hurriedly washed my hands.
“You don’t look so good,” she informed me warily as I darted passed her. “Are you okay?”
“Sure, fine. Thanks,” I didn’t even turn as I waved. “I’ll be back next week with Andrea’s order.”
“Okay. See ya Neena.”
My mind was reeling. I couldn’t begin to process the ramifications of it all. Could I stand having another child ripped out of my arms? Was it fair to Gabrielle to have another child when she had never even met me? And wouldn’t the rumor mill have a field day with this one? I really could be an idiot sometimes. Conrad. What would Conrad say?
My breath was coming in great gulps by this point. A cold drizzle pelted my face, but I welcomed it. I was pretty sure that was the only thing keeping me from slipping into a dark oblivion.
“Whoa,” Charlie was suddenly there, wrapping his arms around me when I would have walked right into him without noticing.
“Oh,” I avoided his eyes. “Hey.”
“What’s going on?”
“What? Nothing. Nothing’s going on. Why?”
“Because you’re scaring me,” worry creased his brow.
“I’m sorry,” his words were a splash of cold water on my face. I stopped mid-panic to cup his cheek in my hand. “Everything is fine. I just had a completely irrational moment of panic. Sorry.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Positive.”
“Neena, Neena…,” Cara tugged at my hand.
“Yes kiddo?” I knelt before her.
“Let me show you what I want for Christmas.”
“Lead the way,” I didn’t need to speak, she was already tugging me in the direction of the pet store.
“This doesn’t bode well for me, does it?”
“Not at all,” I laughed.
He was right. It didn’t bode well for him. As we slowly made our way home in the ever-worsening weather, Cara giggled in the back seat as a little yellow ball of fur licked her face.
“I can’t believe you talked me into getting a dog,” Charlie shook his head ruefully.
“I can’t believe your little girl has never had a puppy before. That’s just wrong.”
“When would I have taken care of it? I was a single dad,” he defended himself.
“True,” I conceded. “So I guess I have a purpose, then.”
“You have lots of purposes, Neena,” Cara chimed in happily from the back seat.
“You sure you’re okay?” Charlie reached out to stroke my cheek with his thumb.
I took a deep breath then paused. “It’s nothing babe. Don’t worry so much about me.”
The rest of the way home, I wrestled with my decision to keep the news from him. If I knew Charlie, he’d be so thrilled he’d shout it from the rooftops. I wasn’t so sure I was ready to share this with anyone just yet, let alone everyone. And I definitely wasn’t up to facing the knowing “I-told-you-so” looks.
I told myself that if I was guilty of keeping a secret, so was he. Any attempts at finding out what was going on with the trial were met with obvious deflection. It was really irritating. I’d been watching the news religiously, but the trial was too insignificant to be on any of the stations this far north. Conrad had been ducking my calls, too… probably at Charlie’s insistence.
I wondered if my little piece of bliss could get anymore messed up than it was.
“I wonder what Conrad wants,” Charlie mused as he pulled up beside my brother’s truck in the driveway.
“Uncle Conrad!” Cara gathered her bundle and was out of the car before I could even unfasten my seatbelt.
“She is crazy about him,” Charlie chuckled a little ruefully as he followed his daughter through the door.
“I always was,” I shrugged, bumping into Charlie’s back when he stopped suddenly. I peeked over his shoulder to see what had him frozen in place.
What I saw knocked the wind right out of me. My eyes flew to Conrad’s to see if he had some explanation for springing this on me. The look he gave me was one of utter helplessness. I ducked under Charlie’s arm to step towards the girl who rose from my couch to scurry to Conrad’s side. She was stunning.
She was undoubtedly mine.
“Charlie, Neena,” Conrad shook Charlie’s hand in greeting and looked at me as if to assess whether it was safe to hug me.
“Conrad,” I wrapped my arms around his waist in a warm greeting. I could feel the tension rush from him with that simple gesture. With one arm still around him—more to hold myself steady than anything—I turned and smiled at my daughter for the first time since the day of her birth. “You must be Gabrielle. It’s so nice to meet you.”
“Uncle Conrad, you haven’t even noticed my puppy,” Cara protested.
“Uncle Conrad?” Gabrielle seemed confused. I wondered what he had told her.
“He’s a fine-looking dog,” Conrad scratched the puppy’s ears, his massive hand larger than the dog’s entire head.
“Thank you,” Cara beamed and turned her attention to Gabrielle. “Want to help me walk him?”
“Sure,” she agreed a little warily. She was old enough to know the adults wanted to talk about something. More importantly, she was old enough to care what they had to say. The look on Conrad’s face told her not to try to stay so she followed Cara to the back yard. I could see them huddled under the porch, urging the puppy to venture into the icy rain. He didn’t seem too keen on that and I couldn’t blame him.
“I didn’t know what else to do,” Conrad whispered the second they were out of earshot. “There’s a reporter that started coming around the reservation, asking about you.”
“What?” my grip on his waist went slack and I sank into a chair.
“
Rachel Cooper,” he practically snarled the name. “It’s stirring up all kinds of talk on the res. I didn’t want her to get to Gabrielle.”
“So you brought her here.”
“Where else could I go?”
“I think you did the right thing,” Charlie came to sit at the table beside me.
“It was,” I agreed a little numbly. “Does Gabrielle know who I am?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Does she know I’m your sister?”
“I haven’t told her anything. I didn’t know what to tell her about this whole damn mess.”
“Would you watch your mouth? What is it with you two?” Charlie threw his hands up in disgust.
“Sorry preacher-boy.”
“She’s going to figure it out,” Charlie changed the subject.
“Why?” I frowned. How could I possibly justify my absence from her life?
“Did you look at her? She looks just like you. Only taller.”
“She’s prettier than me.”
“Whatever. She’ll figure it out.”
“She doesn’t look like him though. That’s good.”
Both men stared at the floor uncomfortably for a second.
“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. Let’s have dinner. Both of you stay here tonight. I’ll have a talk with her in the morning. Then she’s welcome to stay here as long as she wants. You both are. Right Charlie?”
“Absolutely.”
“But I need tonight to figure out how to tell her.”
“Sure, sure.”
“Why don’t I make dinner tonight? You go visit with Conrad.”
I nodded dazedly. I wanted to ask if he was real, but figured he must get tired of me asking him that.
The girls rejoined us in the living room, their teeth chattering from standing in the cold winter night. I set about making a fire but Conrad took over, shooing me to the couch. I didn’t put up much of a protest. After so many years of pushing all thoughts of her from my mind, now that I was in her presence, I was intensely curious about my daughter. It seemed completely surreal to be sitting in my living room with her now.
“So what grade are you in, Gabrielle?”
“Fourth.”
“She skipped a year,” Conrad informed me with a glimmer of pride in his eyes.
“Do you go to school on the res?”
“Yes ma’am.”
“Is Lenora Smallwood still teaching fourth grade there?”
“Yes ma’am,” she looked a little startled at my knowledge.
“She isn’t giving you a hard time for being related to this lug, is she?” I nodded in the direction of my brother, who was shaking his head.
“Maybe a little,” Gabrielle admitted with a shy smile. Conrad let out a bark of a laugh.
“Well, just remind yourself she’s just cranky because Conrad never would marry her.”
“Marry Miss Smallwood? Ewww.”
“That’s what he thought, too.”
Gabrielle giggled. My heart sang.
“Why don’t you ask her if Benjamin Carter still works at the school?” Conrad’s grin was absolutely evil.
“Shut up.”
“What about Principal Carter?”
“Principal Carter? Really? Man, they’ll let anyone run that place. You should find the kid a decent school, Conrad,” I chastised teasingly.
“Do you know Principal Carter?” Gabrielle asked.
“She almost married him,” Conrad answered.
“Really?” Charlie called from the next room. “I want to hear this one.”
“I did not. Everyone assumed I’d marry him. I never had any intention to.”
“So you say now,” Conrad smirked.
“You know, I bet I could pass Lenora a note through Gabrielle here if you don’t knock it off,” I snapped.
“Sounds like a guilty conscience,” Conrad wheedled.
“I think I need to be concerned.”
“You’re not helping, Charlie.”
“You do seem a little touchy…” Conrad was really enjoying himself now.
“Principal Carter is cranky. You don’t want to marry him,” Gabrielle wrinkled her nose.
“He’s only cranky since Neena here finished with him,” Conrad chuckled.
“My great-grandma’s name is Neena,” Gabrielle announced out of nowhere.
“Really?” I asked nonchalantly, my mind racing to come up with another topic of conversation. “What do you think Cara should name her new puppy?”
“Beau. It’s French,” Gabrielle suggested.
“That means beautiful,” I translated for Cara.
“I like it,” Cara pondered the name.
“You speak French?” Gabrielle seemed surprised.
“Oui,” I replied in French with a wink.
“Cool,” she smiled at me. “Conrad keeps promising to teach me, but never does.”
“Hey, there’s only one of me. Cut me some slack.”
“I can teach you,” I offered.
“Dinner is served,” Charlie popped his head in the living room. “Cara, why don’t you go wash your hands since you’ve been playing with the puppy.”
The blackened chicken looked amazing, but I wasn’t sure I trusted my stomach just yet. I nibbled at the steamed vegetables, but the aroma of garlic tickled my nostrils. It seemed like such a waste, but I couldn’t eat more than a couple of bites without feeling ill. Gabrielle seemed to spend as much time studying me as I spent studying her. I couldn’t sense hatred rolling off of her, even if she was piecing it together. That was a good thing.
After the meal we sat around the table playing Uno until I was ready to drop from exhaustion. When I could take it no longer, I called an end to the little party and went to make Gabrielle a bed in Cara’s room. By the time I had a bed made for Conrad, I felt like I would literally keel over and die from tired.
“She’s adorable,” Charlie had proclaimed once the door to our room was closed behind us.
“She’s amazing,” I nodded sleepily. “And I can’t believe she’s in our house.”
“She is,” he seemed happy about that fact. He went to brush his teeth and I dropped my clothes in a pile on the floor before crawling into bed. I’d get those in the morning.
If Charlie had any grand plans for the evening, they were probably dissuaded by my soft snores when he came back in the room.
I was vaguely aware of him saying he would get Cara’s puppy tucked in for the night.
“Charlie?” I murmured through a sleepy haze.
“Yes darlin’?”
“She’s not so scary in person.”
“No, she’s not so scary at all.”
Chapter Thirteen
The sunlight streaming through my room the next morning seemed unduly harsh. The thought occurred to me that if I was this big of a wimp about being pregnant now, it was nothing short of a miracle that I’d survived being pregnant in prison.
The dark circles under Charlie’s eyes were pronounced enough I suggested we stay home from church.
“God gave me life, I can give him one morning a week,” he smiled at me as he tucked me against his side. “Of course, I’m sure He won’t mind if maybe we snuggle through Sunday school just this once.”
“Daddy! The puppy made a mess!”
“Or not,” he started to stand but I shoved him back down.
“I got this. It was my brilliant idea.”
“You don’t have to do that,” he protested.
“Charlie, you look awful,” I snapped. “Even if you won’t tell me what’s going on with the trial, can you at least let me do this much?”
“Okay… sure,” he frowned a little and fell back against his pillow.
I felt a little miserable for snapping, but it really was his fault for not letting me help in the first place. And for getting me pregnant. Stupid sexy lawyer. Why did he have to go and look so hurt, anyway? Didn’t people ever snap at each other where he came from?
“Neena, he made a really big mess,” Cara opened the laundry room door for me to see.
“Sadly, I’ve seen worse,” my shoulders sank a little nonetheless. I had cleaned messes much worse than this whenever I got stuck with bathroom duty at Dixon. Whatever my previous experience, the second the smell hit my nostrils, nausea punched me in the stomach. My eyes rolled back in my head a little and I barely managed “Ask your Uncle Conrad to help,” before darting back up the stairs to my bathroom. Anything that was left of my dinner was soon gone. After another three minutes of dry-heaving, I lay crying in the bathroom floor.
Charlie was there. Charlie was somehow always there when I needed him. His concerned hands were trying to lift me off the floor, but I swatted him away. The cool tile felt really good on my face.
“I’m fine. Just give me a minute. I’m fine.”
“Of course you are,” his expression was one of granite as he straightened over me. He stared at me as if waiting for some explanation. I stared at the dirt along the baseboards and thought about coming back to scrub them when I felt better. He snorted in disgust and went to help Cara. Fifteen minutes later he returned to find me still lying on the bathroom floor. I’d managed to stop crying, so progress had been made.
“You really aren’t going to tell me what’s wrong, are you?”
“Why haven’t I met your parents?”
“Because they don’t get back from Mali until next July.”
“They’re in Mali?”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t I know this?”
“It never came up.”
“How are we married and we didn’t know about each other’s parents?”
“You think now is a good time to question that?”
“Why are your parents in Mali?”
“They’re missionaries.”
“Ah. Figures.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It explains why you’re so damned perfect.”
“I’m not perfect,” Charlie’s voice was low and a little defeated.
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