All My Love, Detrick

by Kagan, Roberta

  After a short time, the nurse showed her to an examining room, and asked her to remove her clothes and dress in the cotton gown. She did, then fumbled nervously with the handle of her pocketbook until the doctor entered.

  “Helga Haswell, what brings you here today?” Dr. Heizenhoffer smiled until he saw the tears that now stained Helga’s face. With his right hand he took the stool and pulled it closer to the examining table. Then he sat down and waited for her to speak.

  The only sound that could be heard was the heels of the nurse's shoes as she set up the examining room next door.

  “Helga?” He prodded gently; the old eyes had seen many distressed young girls.

  “Doctor. You must not tell my parents anything that I tell you.”

  “Of course not child, I cannot. I am a doctor. It is against my ethical code.”

  She took a deep breath. “I am afraid…I am afraid I might be pregnant.”

  He smiled at her and the kindness in his eyes helped her to relax. “Well, before we go jumping to conclusions, let’s just check this out and see what is what? All right?”

  She nodded her head.

  After the examination the doctor asked Helga to dress and meet him in his office down the hall.

  As soon as she looked at his face she knew the results and her tears began again.

  “Helga. I understand how you feel. But I have a solution that might be perfect for you.”

  She looked up at him hopefully. The idea of aborting the baby terrified her. Even some of the women who’d done so under medical supervision had died. But she would have to take her chances. If she were to have a baby, it would surely ruin her life.

  The doctor looked directly into her eyes as he explained. “You may not know about the Lebensborn, so I will tell you. In 1936, Heinrick Himmler began a program to engineer a pure Aryan race for the future good of Germany. It’s called the Lebensborn Program. Now, I must ask you, before we go any further… Who is the father?”

  Red fingers of heat crawled up her face. “I can’t tell you.”

  “Why not? Is he a Jew?”

  “Oh, no.” she laughed a little. “He is married. He is an SS officer.”

  “Oh, child this is a good thing. You will be accepted at the Lebensborn Institute. The requirements are that the father and mother of the future offspring be of pure Aryan blood. Both of you fit the qualifications. You will stay at the Lebensborn Institute, which is located in the highlands, near Munich, until the baby is born. Then, the child is taken off your hands and raised by a carefully chosen family, who will raise him or her to be a good Nazi, to follow the Fuehrer, and to take his rightful place as a future leader of the Third Reich. It is that simple. While you are at the home, you will be fed and cared for. In fact you will want for nothing. From what I hear it, is a lovely place. Then, once the baby is born, you are free to go. No one is the wiser, and you can go on with your life. Besides, women at the Lebensborn receive the highest honors for bearing a child for Hitler. You see, you will be having a baby for the Fuehrer.”

  “And my family…do they have to know?”

  “Not at all. I will send a note to accompany you. Once you arrive, you will be tested to see if you meet the criteria. I have no doubt that you will. Now, also, if you would like, your Nazi officer can be notified of your whereabouts, in case he should like to see you. So… Shall I arrange it?”

  She wiped the tear from her cheek with the back of her hand. “Yes, but notification to the father will not be necessary.”

  Chapter 27

  As Eric drove home after his final encounter with Helga, his mind drifted. He could not help but feel sorry for her, although he knew he would never want her again. It seemed to happen this way all of the time. First he would meet a girl and be sure he’d fallen for her. Then once they made love, his interest seemed to be like a candle that had been snuffed out. The smoke lingered, but the fire was gone. Eric lit a cigarette and rolled down the window. He craved fresh air. His life had taken such turns. As a boy, he’d grown up poor. Poorer than Helga. She might have been surprised to learn that, he thought. But like her, he’d been gifted with physical beauty. Eric bore the face and body of a Greek god, and that had saved him . He’d never gone out in search of prosperity; it just fell into his lap and, he, seeing the opportunity, had seized it.

  When had Eric turned twenty-two, he found himself without a trade or education. He’d dropped out of school and spent most of his life drifting through dead-end jobs. After Eric endured two weeks of employment making sodas and sweeping floors at the local candy store, she’d walked in. Nadine, the daughter of the owner of a large company, escorted by a group of her spoiled girlfriends, had come for a late-night soda. Her thin blond hair hung limply on her ample shoulders. She wore expensive clothes, in an effort to hide her clumsy, overweight body. When she spoke to her friends, she spoke rapidly, like machine-gun fire, so much so that he could hardly understand her. For some reason, she seemed to do everything too quickly. But when their eyes met, he saw that the girl who always got what she wanted had set her sights on him. He studied her, trying to find something he could be attracted to and found nothing. Nothing…but her father’s money, and for a boy from his background, that meant a great deal. When he asked her out, she immediately accepted. They went to dinner, and he found her to be overly domineering and demanding. For someone so unappealing, he'd thought, she had a lot of nerve. But he also knew that by marrying her, he would catapult himself swiftly out of poverty. No longer would he coast through life on meager wages. With her father’s money and influence behind him, Eric would surely live the life he deserved. So, Eric set out to court Nadine. With what little money he earned, he took her to dinner and told her how lovely she looked. When he paid the bill, Eric reminded himself that every penny spent was an investment. When he called her pretty, Nadine smiled shyly. Eric knew Nadine did not hear those words often. He held her and kissed her, declaring his devotion. And once he saw that the feelings in her eyes had grown deep enough, like an actor on cue, he told her he loved her.

  They sat at a corner table in an intimate restaurant when he asked her to marry him. She’d squealed with delight, loud enough to attract the attention of the other diners. As the others looked on, he fought the embarrassment he felt at being with her. With Nadine’s pug nose, pink skin and round, needy eyes, Eric decided that she resembled a human who’d been born at least half pig.

  Now he must take on a far more difficult challenge. Nadine would introduce him to her parents. He must take care that they did not see through him to his true motives. At first, her father seemed to reject the idea of their marriage, but her mother, like Nadine, found him irresistibly attractive.

  No matter how hard he tried Eric could not win the acceptance of his future father-in-law. The man simply did not take to him, regardless of Eric’s numerous attempts at charm and his overzealous compliments.

  Without marriage, keeping company with Nadine seemed pointless. But Eric had put far too much time into this endeavor to give up now.

  The following evening, Nadine and Eric had plans to have dinner together. That afternoon he rented a hotel room where he brought flowers, champagne and chocolates. Since he did not own a vehicle, she had taken to picking him up in her black Mercedes. She wore a pink chiffon dress that, in his eyes, made her look like a hippo going to a dance.

  After dinner they got back into the automobile.

  “I have a surprise for you.” He smiled and her heart melted.

  “Oh?”

  “This may sound strange but will you trust me?”

  ”Of course.”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  He directed her to the hotel. Nadine felt a little uncomfortable passing the desk clerk on her way upstairs. She knew that Eric wanted to bed her, and she had qualms. The passion she felt for him had never been equaled for anyone before. Although she’d not been a virgin, she might as well have been. For Nadine, making
love with Eric took her body to places she’d never dreamed existed.

  After two months of wild sex, sometimes in the park, sometimes in the car, often in the hotel room, and once in the ladies' bathroom at a fancy restaurant, Nadine became pregnant. Now, Eric knew that her father would be agreeable to setting a timely date for the wedding.

  In less than three months the ceremony took place at a grandiose cathedral, followed by an extravagant reception at the bride’s home.

  The wedding, and Eric’s introduction into his new found social status, proved to be more magical than he could have fathomed. More food filled the house than Eric’s family consumed in a year, and of a higher quality. Rose bushes had been placed along the walkway to escort the guests inside, while table arrangements designed by Berlin’s most renowned florist flowed over so much of the table that there hardly seemed room for the place settings. Nadine wore a gown of white silk embellished with cultured pearls, and even though she’d been to a hairstylist who had swept her fine, stringy locks into an elegant twist and had her cosmetics expertly applied, Eric still found her repulsive. On two occasions he’d found himself drawn to one of the female guests, but he forced his attentions to stay fixed on his new bride - at least through the reception.

  His father-in-law offered him a position where he earned far more money than he deserved. He’d stayed there until the Nazi Party had taken over, and then, when his father-in-law joined, he followed suit. The SS offered Eric more than just employment. It gave him respect, money, and access to women who fell willingly into his bed when they saw the uniform.

  For a tedious month in the very beginning of the marriage, he remained faithful, but grew mean and short with Nadine. Pregnant and newly married, she had expected things to go differently. The dreams Nadine had fostered about her life with Eric were now crushed. After she cried to her parents, her father had a warning talk with Eric. It was then that Eric decided that he must not allow his wife to know his true feelings. Instead, in order to maintain his sanity, he must find his comfort elsewhere. Eric decided it would be wise to treat Nadine as kindly as possible. After all, his father in law, a powerful man, could send him right back to where he came from. Eric would take care to be discreet, but he would find women who satisfied his desires outside of his marriage.

  At first, the girls had been few and local, forcing him to be worried and cautious. All in all, it had only amounted to a couple of one-night stands between the birth of his two children.

  When his daughter was born, the couple agreed to name her Christine. As she grew every day she, took on more of the characteristics Eric detested in her mother. Eric clenched his fists, turning red as he forced himself to find patience with the child. As a mother watching father and daughter together, Nadine’s awareness of Eric’s dislike for Chrissy disturbed her. She hoped things would change as the child grew up. When Christine reached a year-old, Nadine found herself once again with child. This time she spent most of her pregnancy in bed, ill with morning sickness. Eric took on extra hours at work to avoid spending time with his family, but he did hire a nurse to help Nadine with Christine.

  On a chilly morning in March, Siegfried pushed his way into the world. A strong and hearty little boy, Ziggy won his father’s heart instantly, as his sister had failed so miserably to do.

  As the years passed, Ziggy went to school, where he proved to be a fine athlete. When at ten he joined the Hitler Youth, Ziggy excelled at making Eric proud. Ziggy had his father’s good looks, and when the two walked together, heads turned. Eric loved his son as he loved no one and nothing else. He spent time at home with the boy. Watching Ziggy develop as a child, fearless and ready to face life, filled Eric with pride. He shared his delight with his in-laws. Although both of Nadine’s parents adored Ziggy, they were pained to see Eric rejected chubby little Chrissy. She ran to her father with pictures she’d drawn for him only to have him lay them down on a table without ever acknowledging them or her. And as Nadine endured more of Eric’s indifference, the confidence she’d had as a young woman drained away. She no longer acted rashly and without thought or consideration for consequence. Nadine had come to realize that mistakes could cost one dearly. She still adored her husband, but she knew that he had lost any attraction he might have once had towards her.

  Once Eric joined the Nazi Party, the deterioration of the marriage only escalated. Under the guise of his work and his travels, he took a second room. Now Eric no longer slept beside Nadine. With pretense of consideration, he told her that he felt his work might disturb her, and he thought it best that they sleep separately. Sometimes in the middle of the night, he said, he awakened suddenly inspired to work on a project. She accepted his lie, but she knew that she had completely lost him. Now that the two no longer slept together, all intimacy between them ceased entirely. The emptiness in her heart grew with the feelings of abandonment. When she considered discussing her problem with her parents, she felt too ashamed, so she put off the inevitable.

  In his travels, Eric had met various women. But after a while, the ones who slept with him immediately bored him, and he found the ones who presented a challenge more intriguing. Until they lay with him, Eric chased them with abandon. During the pursuit he felt most alive and involved. Occasionally he felt himself begin to develop feelings for one of the girls; however, the situation always ended in disappointment. Once he’d conquered a girl, she simply held no more allure. But he secretly wondered if that might be because he knew he would never leave Nadine. An affair could help him pass the time and overlook a lackluster marriage, but without his wife’s financial backing, he knew he would find himself back in a one-room apartment, with hot water not readily available. Because the ropes that bound Eric to Nadine wrapped around his neck strangling him, he found that he lost patience with her easily, and rather than fight and perhaps be confronted by an angry father-in-law, he left the house.

  On the day Ziggy turned fifteen, Eric received a telephone call instructing that he must leave for Berlin only a few hours following the birthday celebration. Eric hated to disappoint his son, so the father promised to bring his precious boy a special birthday gift. “A football, perhaps?” Eric asked Ziggy.

  Ziggy smiled with ease and patted his father’s back. “Don’t worry, father, I don’t need anything; I have a football and anything else I need. I’ll see you when you return.” Eric started the car, and the boy waved as Eric drove away and looked back at Ziggy, who’d already put his arm around his mother and sister and headed back into the house.

  When Eric arrived in Berlin, immediately flooded with meetings and work, he felt overwhelmed, but he could not shake off the loneliness. And although exhaustion slithered through every muscle and nerve in his body, he knew he must go to the party at the Headquarters; it was expected. That night he’d met Helga. The brightness of her smile and the sparkle in her eyes made him think she’d cast a spell over him. Eric couldn’t wait until the following night to have dinner with her. When he returned home He thought about her constantly, and could hardly wait to go back to Berlin. Helga was on his mind even when he played soccer with Ziggy. The magnificent girl with the golden curls possessed his every dream, and he worried that he might even become foolish and divorce Nadine to marry her. But he found that Helga brought life and youth back to his spirit. She made him smile. When they kissed, the jaded years of a loveless marriage dissipated, and he found himself dizzy with wonderful desire. He believed for the first time in his life he might be falling in love. This girl kept him waiting longer to bed her than any of the others, and he took a strange pleasure in the pain of yearning. The night he’d taken her to his rooms, he believed things would be different with her, and while they’d loved, it had been true. But once he’d spent himself, he could not look at her. How, he wondered, could he have ever considered sacrificing everything for just another girl? His mind darted to thoughts of his glorious home and extravagant possessions. Now, he looked over at the sweet little blonde with the pretty, heart-shap
ed face and saw her as just another conquest. With all of the wonder and magic now dissipated, he had felt guilty as he drove Helga back to her apartment. The end of the evening could not come quickly enough for him. His emotions were a confusing mixture of guilt and disgust with himself, but more importantly, of fear; he could not believe what he had almost done.

  After Helga left his car Eric sped away without looking back. A chill ran through him - at least he’d come to his senses in time. He would go home to Ziggy. His son...the only joy that he counted on in his life. A smile tickled the sides of his lips. Eric knew thing would be all right now.

  If Eric had been clairvoyant he might have seen what was to come. He might have known that, in the future, when his son had just barely become a man, because of Hitler’s ambitions, Ziggy would lay dying in the arms of a beautiful Jewish partisan, far from his family, somewhere just across the Russian border. But of course he could not see that, he saw only as far as a single tomorrow.

  Chapter 28

  The spring of 1938 brought with it all of the new blossoms of a regular spring. Somehow Mother Nature had not been made aware of the turning of the tides in Germany. She filled the earth with beautiful bounty, and the warmth of her love came through in the fertility of the flowers in magnificent colors. The trees turned every shade of green and the grass grew thick and plush, like an emerald carpet after the winter snows. The ponds began to thaw and one could see the activity of the fish just beneath the surface. Mother Nature bestowed all of her gifts without a second thought and asked nothing in return. All seemed right with the world.

  But it was not.

  In the city, posters made by men, rather than God’s foliage, covered the buildings. The drawings were anti-Semitic pictures and slogans full of hatred, and their presence grew daily by epic proportions. Nazi flags, arrogantly flaunting their black swastikas, hung from the tops of buildings. The rallies continued as a reminder to the German people that their Fuehrer worked daily to rid the world of the Jewish menace. Adolph Hitler could be seen everywhere - in print, in life and in the sentiment of the people. His seed of ugliness had been planted, and like the flowers of the season, it too had come to fruition.