Chains of Regret

by Margaret Pargeter

  Estella, returning to the sitting-room, smiled mischievously when she saw them standing close together.

  If she noticed the darkness of Stein’s face, she probably put it down to frustration. They had coffee with her and she and Stein talked until well after midnight.

  Helen sat listening quietly, occasionally joining in, but not often. Most of the time she was desperately trying to think of a way out of the dilemma she was in.

  ‘Don’t forget,’ said Estella, as they left her, ‘I want an invitation to the wedding! In fact,’ she addressed Helen, ‘I’d love to come back and organise it for you. It would be nice for both of us as you have no parents and I haven’t a daughter.’

  In the car travelling back to Oakfield, Helen twisted the ring on her finger nervously. Estella appeared to like her and., if the circumstances had been different, they might have developed a pleasant relationship.

  There was anguish in her heart as she considered what might have been. If she hadn’t .been so blind she might have been married to Stein a year ago. Glancing at his hard profile, it came like a blow to realise she loved him. Once or twice before she had suspected it but managed to thrust such a possibility from her.

  Unhappily she found she could ignore it no longer, and the pain of it was almost unendurable. Stein must never guess-he would merely use it as another weapon against her. Her love for him might not be too difficult to hide if she was careful. But she could by no means be sure, with this new, overwhelming emotion flooding her, that she wouldn’t somehow betray herself.

  Stein slanted an impatient glance at her. ‘Will you stop fiddling with your ring!’ he snapped.

  She had thought he was concentrating on his driving.

  ‘It feels more like a ball and chain!’ she muttered.

  He didn’t miss the slight quiver running through her.

  ‘It’s meant to be,’ he retorted curtly. ‘And a warning.’

  ‘A warning?’

  ‘To others. Do you think I have time to stand over you indefinitely?’

  Her eyes widened at such deviousness. ‘So that’s why you dreamt up this bogus. engagement? You don’t trust me?’

  ‘Not out of my sight, lady!’

  She winced at the coldness of his voice. He must hate her a lot, and his opinion of her must be very low indeed to have forced him to go to such lengths. After Gary Phillips had shown he liked her, Stein must have thought she might appeal to Gary for help. He had been quick to realise that Gary, like most men, wouldn’t be keen to assist a girl to betray her fiance.

  Stein had it all worked out. He was a devil, Helen decided bitterly, always one step ahead. Introducing her to his stepmother this evening was another brilliant stroke. He might even come to consider her unexpected meeting with Donald Blyth an advantage too. Their engagement must now be virtually public knowledge and she couldn’t break it and continue living at Oakfield. And at Oakfield she had no chance of escaping, not while she still owed Stein so much, both morally and financially.

  He didn’t trust her, of course. That was what had obviously prompted his last move. He didn’t credit her with having any principles either, for he only judged by what he knew of her. While admitting bleakly that this was more her fault than his, Helen was conscious there were things she couldn’t tell him now. He would simply feel a fool, and be angrier than ever if he were to discover at this late hour he had been wrong about her.

  Dully Helen realised she had put off too long and was going to have to suffer the consequences of such foolish procrastination. Her heart aching painfully, she didn’t know how she was going to bear it. Being engaged to a man like Stein Maddison would involve quite a lot. People would be ringing up, congratulating them, proffering invitations. They might even be expected to give a party to celebrate and she would have to pretend to be radiantly happy. If she had found the situation difficult before, she suspected, from now on, she might find it almost intolerable.

  It began sooner than she expected. During the weekend Stein wasted no time in informing the staff of the engagement. In the early hours, when they arrived back from London, he had taken one look at Helen’s shadowed eyes and white face and told her to go to bed.

  He hadn’t repeated his demands, as she had dreaded, for a list of her former boy-friends, but in no other way did he appear to have relented. He ordered champagne and told Helen to wear a pretty dress and smile when he made the announcement.

  Having to smile and seem happy was, as she had suspected, something of an ordeal. Stein wore a dark suit for the occasion instead of the casual slacks and shirt he often favoured when he wasn’t doing anything special, and Helen knew he looked much more relaxed than she did.

  After an hour, during which their health was drunk by a delighted staff, they were left alone again. Helen, feeling almost ill with strain, sank with undisguised relief into the nearest chair. ‘Thank goodness that’s over!’ she breathed wearily.

  ‘Don’t grouse,’ Stein said shortly, staring at her. ‘You complained about your lot before, but as my fiancee your presence here can’t be criticised. It will be your own fault now if it is.’

  ‘I did my best,’ she said flatly.

  His mouth curled. ‘You’re going to convince no one unless you try harder.’

  Hurt by his sarcasm, she asked tensely, ‘What about your friends, will they expect a party too?’

  ‘A few drinks, perhaps,’ he shrugged, his eyes going closely over her.

  She read something in his glance which made her uneasy. Her face flushed as his eyes lingered on her slender curves and her pulse began tripping. She could feel the heat racing through her veins and blurted wildly, ‘People will start ringing up, maybe calling. Didn’t you ever stop to think before you embarked on this crazy engagement?’

  ‘Don’t let me hear you call it that again,’ he snapped angrily.

  ‘I don’t like deceiving people,’ she said stubbornly. ‘I enjoyed meeting your stepmother…’

  ‘Did you?’ he cut in curtly, his tone suggesting no one would have guessed it.

  Helen tried to hide her hurt. She had been about to ask why he had never told her about Estella before, but changed her mind. He would only reply with a withering remark which she might deserve. Eighteen months ago she had never tried to pretend she was interested in either Stein or his family.

  ‘You know I enjoyed meeting her,’ she sighed, ‘but she’s going to be disappointed when she hears we aren’t going to be married. She seems to believe you-that you’re fond of me,’ she amended hastily, wondering hollowly what Stein would have said if she’d mentioned love.

  ‘She’ll get over it,’ he assured her smoothly.

  ‘What about all your girl-friends?’ Helen was stung to retort. ‘Barbara, for instance. How is she going to feel?’

  ‘I’m sure I’ll be forgiven,’ he smiled tauntingly, ‘especially after you disappear for good. She’ll enjoy consoling me.’

  She would. Bitterly Helen stared at him. ‘Don’t you mind about breaking hearts?’

  Stein laughed cynically. ‘Not many hearts actually break.’

  She had been thinking mostly of her own. Anger welled in her throat, but she managed to ask levelly, ‘How am I supposed to pass the time, until you decide you don’t want me any more?’

  ‘How will you pass it when I don’t?’ he countered, almost idly.

  ‘I’ll get a job!’ she said impatiently.

  ‘If you’re able to.’

  ‘I know it mightn’t be easy.’

  ‘It never is—for girls in a certain condition,’ he shrugged.

  Helen was in shock when she stared at him, her face white. ‘You can’t be serious!’

  ‘Maybe not,’ he rasped contemptuously, ‘but you’d deserve it.’

  Helen trembled, with a terrible need to be convinced.

  ‘I can’t believe that even you would allow a lust for revenge to drive you that far!’

  His eyes glittered down on her as he suddenly gripped he
r neck between his hands’. His expression terrified her; as did the pressure of his fingers on her throat. Why did he so often look as if he would like to kill her? Helen felt frozen with fear while her heart threatened to thud out of her body.

  ‘Please,’ she reiterated desperately, ‘you can’t do anything like that to me!’

  ‘It has to be something,’ he snapped unrelentingly, ‘that you won’t forget in a hurry!’

  CHAPTER NINE

  As though to convince her he wasn’t making idle threats, Stein’s hands slid to her shoulders, under the loose neckline of her dress, his touch burning her skin.

  Helen shivered as she responded, as she guessed he had known she would. He was demonstrating how easily he could bend her to his will. She hadn’t the strength to defy him and he knew it. Whenever he was near her she became possessed of cravings which might make her ultimate surrender an easy victory for him.

  Even now while he filled her with apprehension, she was aware of an obsessive desire for the touch of his lips. Briefly she closed her eyes, willing the sensation away.

  ‘If you managed to do that…’ she breathed.

  ‘Don’t doubt it,’ he said, the deadly softness of his voice confirming her fears, ‘if I wanted to, Helen, I could.’

  ‘If you did,’ she had to lick dry lips before she could force herself to go on, ‘how would you feel, having a—a child you never saw?’

  ‘I’d adopt it afterwards.’

  ‘I can’t believe it,’ she gasped, ‘but I wouldn’t let you.’

  ‘You might not be able to stop me,’ his hands tightened on her narrow bones until she winced with pain.

  ‘At least,’ he added harshly, ‘I’d have a damned good try, and the publicity wouldn’t do you much good.’

  ‘Nor you!’ she almost sobbed.

  ‘It’s different for a man,’ he said coolly, ‘especially one in my position.’

  ‘You haven’t any conscience!’ she whispered thickly.

  ‘I’ve as much as you ever had!’ he snarled, nearly throwing her from him.

  He spent the rest of the day in the study and the next morning Helen found him on the verge of departing for London as she came downstairs.

  He glanced around when he heard her and said casually, ‘I’m just off. I’ll give you a ring later.’

  Helen nodded, feeling sure he had intended leaving without saying goodbye. She was conscious of his prolonged stare, taking in every detail of her face and figure, and was uneasily aware of her own eyes going just as closely over his. If only he wasn’t so attractive, she thought despairingly.

  As she was examining the firm line of his jaw and the deep cleft in his chin, he spoke again.

  ‘Stay at home. It’s a cold day.’

  The words seemed dragged out of him, and she wondered why. Did he believe, as soon as his back was turned, she would try and escape?

  ‘I won’t go far,’ she replied dully.

  ‘I hope I can trust you!’ He caught her wrist, startling her by pulling her savagely to him. ‘Hilary’s coming,’ he muttered curtly under his breath. ‘Smile at me!’

  Helen fought desperately to keep the pain out of her face and obey. She willed herself to stop trembling, while Stein watched her with a kind of raw intentness.

  ‘You heard what I said?’

  ‘I am smiling,’ she swallowed.

  ‘About going out!’ he muttered between his teeth.

  Thinly she murmured, ‘I haven’t any money to go anywhere.’

  It was a mistake and she knew it, even before he reached for his wallet. ‘So you want more?’

  She protested quickly, cursing herself. ‘No, I don’t. I won’t be deeper in your debt.’

  ‘What difference could it make?’ he asked cynically.

  ‘A lot to me,’ she retorted sharply. ‘I’ll get a job and earn all I need.’

  ‘You won’t!’

  Helen shivered, her delicate features taut with strain.

  ‘You’ll never trust me again, will you?’

  ‘I haven’t time to argue.’ He replaced his wallet impatiently with a quick glance at the hall clock. ‘I have a full day—too full.’

  Hilary had disappeared, but Stein still dropped a hard kiss on Helen’s soft mouth before releasing her.

  ‘Just so you won’t forget me,’ he said mockingly.

  She watched him striding through the door, his straight back and broad shoulders impeccably clad in dark blue. He looked what he was, a successful man, from the top of his well-groomed head to the tip of his expensive shoes. Helen could scarcely believe she had ever thought of him as anything else. Paul was waiting for him and as they drove swiftly away Stein didn’t glance up. Before the car had gone many yards, Helen saw him take some papers from his briefcase and begin studying them.

  She watched until the car was out of sight, the imprint of Stein’s kiss still warm on her lips. Nobody in her whole life had ever set out to hurt and humiliate her so, yet she found it impossible to hate him. But he hated her, and, because of his hate, her love must be completely illogical. As was the concern she felt.

  This morning he had looked tired. There had been shadows under his eyes and the hard ‘bones of his face had seemed to stand out. Something was bothering him, like a thorn in his side, and it gave her no satisfaction to realise it might be herself.

  She told Hilary she would just have coffee. Drinking it at the dining-room table, she noticed Stein’s empty cup. He couldn’t have been hungry, either, as although the coffee pot had been empty, nothing else seemed to have been touched. Helen eyed the full toast rack despondently, nodding absently when Hilary tried to talk. She mentioned rather obviously that Easter was a nice time for weddings.

  Hilary, she could tell, was dying to ask when she and Stein intended getting married, but she didn’t give her any encouragement. She refused to carry such a game of make-believe any farther than was absolutely necessary.

  What would Hilary say if she confessed that Stein, in announcing their engagement, was merely doing his best to prevent gossip until he was through with her? And that marriage was the last thing he had in mind!

  Helen felt distraught as she recalled his terrible threats. It was hard to believe he meant everything he had said, but the uncertainty was already having a devastating effect. After a restless night of bad dreams she felt almost ill again. Where she was concerned, Stein’s personality seemed to have changed beyond all recognition. No man was a hundred per cent civilised.

  Hadn’t she read somewhere .that most men had a primitive streak? Carefully disguised, of course, and usually under control, but ready to flare when provoked, especially in unusual circumstances.

  No one could say that circumstances here were anything but unusual! Suppressing a fresh wave of apprehension, Helen bit her lip. If Stein was serious about carrying out his threats, loving him as she did, would she ever be able to resist him? The answer produced by her tortured mind didn’t take a lot of believing. Not when it was backed up by recollections of how eagerly her body melted against his whenever he took her in his arms.

  She spent the rest of the day wondering how long she could remain at Oakfield, how long she could endure it.

  On the face of it, being engaged to Stein might have given her a certain status, but it really meant nothing.

  She hadn’t the heart to begin planning for a future that didn’t really exist.

  Because she couldn’t settle to anything, not even to watching TV or reading, which she normally enjoyed, time dragged. She was so restless she almost welcomed hearing Stein’s voice when he rang, as he had promised, later in the afternoon. When he told her he wouldn’t be home again for at least the next two nights, her heart sank despite her relief. He had no time to talk, he said. What he meant, she realised, was that he didn’t want to.

  She fretted so much about why he wasn’t coming home that the following afternoon when Gary Phillips called, she found herself amazingly pleased to see him.

&nbs
p; ‘Come out for a drink?’ he invited her eagerly.

  Helen gazed at him uncertainly. Stein had told her not to have anything more to do with him, but she felt desperate. Stein had left her here in circumstances which seemed to have changed her home into a kind of prison. She was rapidly becoming convinced that if she didn’t do something soon, or have a change of company, she might go mad. Besides, she thought bitterly, could Gary’s intentions be any worse than Stein’s?

  ‘You know I’m engaged?’ she asked slowly, feeling it was only fair to mention it.

  ‘Yes, I do,’ Gary grinned ruefully. ‘I’ve been thinking all morning it’s just my luck!’