Chains of Regret

by Margaret Pargeter

  ‘Not always with the best results,’ Stein interposed grimly.

  Helen sighed again. ‘When he sold you the factory he made you promise not to tell me, but you obviously didn’t understand why that should make me so antagonistic.’

  Stein shook his head. ‘In the end that was what made me so angry. Was there a special reason, other than that you didn’t like me?’

  ‘I thought I didn’t like you.’ she corrected soberly with a certain wryness in her eyes. ‘But yes, it was more than that. You didn’t know what had gone before. You see, Dad always regretted that I wasn’t a boy. Ever since I can remember he’d pushed me hard. That was what made me frightened of horses. When I was small, one day he threw me on to one and I fell off, with rather dire consequences. He never usually drove me too far, though. I think he recognised that there were limits and was often sorry afterwards. I believe that was why I kept on trying.’

  As he listened to Helen’s short, rather stilted sentences, Stein’s face hardened with anger kept in check.

  ‘And the factory?’

  Helen shrugged, attempting to make little of it. She didn’t want Stein to hate her father over something which lay in the past. ‘I wasn’t too keen to begin with,’ she admitted, ‘but I tried to live up to his expectations. I really felt I might make a go of it when he suddenly said he had you and didn’t need me any more. He talked of needing me more at home. I realised why he hadn’t wanted me at the works, after Mr. Dent told me what had actually happened, but at the time I blamed you.’

  A muscle at the side of Stein’s mouth jerked and she frowned. ‘I wish I could understand why he did it, but I suppose we’ll never know.’

  Some of the anger died from his grey eyes as he noted the distress Helen was doing her best to hide. ‘He loved you, darling, make no mistake about that, but a man’s pride can be the very devil. I imagine he’d criticised you so much, he couldn’t face the fact that it was he who’d failed.’

  ‘I don’t see why you put up with me, though.’ She turned troubled eyes to him, ‘I was really beastly to you-and in ways you never guessed!’

  ‘Oh,’ he smiled laconically, ‘I had a good idea.’

  ‘But you couldn’t have—have loved me at the beginning,’ she stammered, her face pink.

  He ran teasing fingers over her hot cheek, easing the tension between them slightly. ‘I saw you once,’ he confessed, with a hint of self-derision, ‘at Heathrow with Lester. I think I fell in love with you on the spot, and I mistakenly fancied my usual luck was with me when I heard a few days later, that your father was thinking of selling up. It gave me quite a shock, I can tell you, when I began to realise that, as far as you were concerned, nothing was going to be plain sailing. You obviously thought I was a Jake on the make.’ grinned wryly. ‘The only response I got was when I kissed you and I was half mad with frustration. Mind you,’ he muttered severely, ‘don’t imagine I intended putting up with it indefinitely. But before I could do anything you ran away.’

  ‘It seemed all I could do, after that last evening, when you rescued me,’ Helen confessed, her face strained, despite Stein’s thread of humour. ‘I knew then you were some kind of threat and I panicked, that’s really why I ran. I was beginning to love you and I couldn’t endure it, not when I was so determined to dislike you.’

  ‘You stayed in France?’

  ‘I didn’t mean to, not as long as I did, but when Raissa’s husband died there seemed no one else free to give her the kind of help she needed.’

  ‘And for no charge,’ he said grimly.

  ‘Well,’ Helen retorted, ‘it wasn’t as if she didn’t offer, or made any attempt to force me. Perhaps I used her just as much, as an excuse for not coming back. The trouble was,’ she sighed, ‘the longer I stayed the less courage I could find for returning to face you.’

  ‘But you did in the end,’ he said softly.

  ‘Yes,’ she glanced at him almost shyly. ‘Apart from wanting to see Dad, I knew I had a lot to apologise for. I was going to ask you if we could begin again.’

  ‘Oh, my sweet!’ he groaned, pulling her closer. ‘If only you knew the times I had to forcibly restrain myself from coming to get you! I was still too angry to trust myself not to do you physical harm.’ He laughed, again with a hint of self-derision, ‘I wonder why I never asked myself why I didn’t just simply forget you, instead of allowing you to obsess me?’

  ‘When I did come home,’ she sighed tensely, ‘I thought I could actually feel you hating me.’

  ‘I thought I did.’ His mouth twisted. ‘I was in a jealous rage, thinking of you being with another man in Paris, and even more furious when I took one look at you and realised, after a whole bloody year, my love for you was as strong as ever. That was why I believe I was so cruel about your father. Oh, Helen, my love,’ he groaned against her cheek, ‘I can’t tell you how much I’ve regretted that!’

  ‘I had neglected him, Stein.’

  ‘I don’t agree,’ Stein retorted. ‘He did confess a few things, from time to time, after you’d gone, which make sense in view of what you’ve just. told me. I can understand almost everything now. What I can’t is the way I’ve used you.’

  Helen felt so secure and warm from his love that that didn’t seem to worry her any more. When he had finished pressing soft, remorseful kisses on her mouth, she managed to murmur teasingly, ‘What did you intend doing with me eventually, darling?’

  ‘Marry you,’ he rejoined tersely, slipping on her finger her ring which he drew from his pocket. Not sharing her contented smile, he snapped, ‘You didn’t think our engagement wasn’t for real?’

  ‘I wondered if it was for your stepmother’s benefit.’

  ‘Estella?’ he shrugged broad shoulders. ‘I believe I hoped that her knowing would help cement it, but it was really your Mr. Phillips who brought things to a head. I suddenly knew I couldn’t risk losing you, to him or any other man, and the only way it seemed to prevent that was by announcing to the world you were mine. A few days later, when Mrs Swinden reported that you’d been entertaining both Phillips and Donald Blyth, you might understand why I saw red. That evening, when I returned to the party, I meant to make you crawl, but I paid for it a thousand times over.’

  ‘Oh, Stein,’ she breathed, her eyes damp with tears, ‘I promise I’ll never run away again.’

  ‘You still haven’t told me where you’ve been,’ he frowned anxiously, kissing the tears from her wet cheeks.

  The way he was kissing her made her weak, but she managed to relate fairly clearly about being uncertain about going back to Raissa, in France, and deciding to go to Newhaven before coming to a definite decision.

  She told him how she had stayed in Newhaven with Mrs Lamb and what she had done, which evoked from Stein an impatient but loving sigh, after which Helen said nervously, ‘I soon knew I had to come back to you. I wasn’t sure what kind of reception I’d get, I didn’t expect you would forgive me, but I realised I couldn’t leave you, not until you threw me out anyway.’

  ‘Why?’ he asked huskily, fiercely demanding.

  ‘Because I was aware of how much I loved you,’ she said softly, giving him unequivocally the answer he wanted.

  ‘Darling,’ he muttered, his voice uneven with passion, ‘say that again.’ When she obliged, he threatened thickly, ‘I’ll need to hear it constantly, both day and night. I’ll never get tired of hearing it, I love you so much.’

  ‘Won’t Mrs Swinden be coming to see what’s going on?’ Helen murmured much later, when Stein allowed her to speak again. She tried to force a little amusement into her voice, but her flushed face quickly paled.

  Her apprehension, however, changed to surprise as Stein reluctantly stopped kissing her and raised his head. ‘Mrs Swinden isn’t here any more,’ he said.

  ‘Not here any more?’ Helen’s eyes went blank with astonishment. ‘You mean she’s taken a holiday?’

  ‘No, my love,’ he smiled grimly, ‘she’s taken six months’ w
ages instead of notice, and she’s gone for good. I did ask her to report to me if ever you left Oakfield, but I told her that was because you’d been ill and I didn’t want you running unnecessary risks. I’ve discovered since then that she exaggerated almost everything, although I don’t absolve myself from all the blame.’

  Helen hesitated. ‘I don’t think she ever liked me, Stein, but I’d hate to think I was responsible for her losing her job.’

  ‘She deserved to,’ he said curtly. ‘For instance, she lied so much over the length of time Blyth had spent here that when you disappeared my first thought was that you were with him. I’m afraid his flat was the first place I went to. He informed me rather bitterly, in the course of our—er—conversation, that you hadn’t invited him anywhere, and if he’d been in my shoes you would never have got away from him. He said he’d been to see you here, but only to ask if he had a chance. He admitted he’d arrived while you were having dinner and Mrs Swinden had offered him some, but you hadn’t been pleased to see him and immediately afterwards you’d sent him away. I’m afraid neither of us was very polite.’

  Helen could imagine! ‘What about Barbara?’ she asked suddenly, remembering how the thought of Stein with other women had tormented her. She hadn’t meant to ask, but somehow she couldn’t prevent herself.

  Stein hesitated, but only for a moment. ‘Barbara,’ he said quietly, ‘was your father’s friend, not mine. I don’t think there was anything very serious, but after Lester died she took a lot of consoling-so much so, that I began to suspect she ‘hoped I’d be willing to replace him. Unfortunately I had no such ambitions. The last time I saw her was that evening she came to the flat uninvited, when you were there. I suppose,’ he confessed wryly, ‘I was rather abrupt, but I made it plain in as few words as possible that I wasn’t interested.’

  ‘I thought I’d offended her.’

  Stein smiled slightly and shook his head. ‘Haven’t I told you there’s been no one since I met you? If I ever took another woman out to dinner it never meant more than a quirk of desperate defiance at the hold you appeared to have over me, You’ve a lot to answer for, you little minx!’

  Helen gulped at his threatening growl and decided it might be wiser to concentrate on the servant problem.

  ‘What about Hilary and Olive? They were all right.’

  ‘I gave them a couple of weeks’ holiday,’ he said, ‘until we can find another housekeeper.’

  ‘I don’t think we need one,’ Helen said firmly, ‘And,’ she smiled, ‘as the girls aren’t here, I’ll begin proving it to you by cooking your supper.’

  ‘I’ll have something to say about that!’ Stein exclaimed. ‘In the meantime, I suppose we’d better have something before I take you back to London.’

  ‘To London?’ Apprehensively she pulled from his arms, cold with dismay.

  ‘Come back here!’ he renewed his hold on her sternly, a wicked gleam in his eyes. ‘I won’t tell you why if you don’t behave yourself!’

  While Helen took a deep breath, he bent teasingly to her delicate ear. ‘We’re going to London for my stepmother has returned and you can stay with her until tomorrow—when we’ll be married.’ The glint of humour died from his expression as he heard Helen’s faint gasp and he turned her chin up so he could look deep into her startled eyes. ‘You mightn’t know it, but I’ve had a licence burning a hole in my pocket for days.’

  ‘Stein!’ she whispered incredulously. ‘I can’t believe you’re serious …’

  ‘Tomorrow evening you will,’ he assured her gravely in a way that made her heart race. ‘There are things you’re never going to doubt again.’

  The radiance in her eyes almost halted him in his tracks as he began raining kisses on her face. As his mouth grew more demanding and’ his arms tightened urgently, he murmured huskily against her quivering lips, ‘The choice is yours, of course. If we stay here overnight there’ll still be a wedding, but I can’t guarantee to keep out of your bed. I love you and want you too much, my darling.’

  For a moment Helen was tempted, and was aware she had betrayed herself as her cheeks flushed and she heard the rasp of Stein’s indrawn breath. Then she thought of how long they had already waited, of all the other nights they would have, and she knew the sacrifice of a few more hours would perhaps make their life together all the more worthwhile.

  ‘We’ll go to London,’ she replied softly, although she did wonder, as the pressure of Stein’s mouth deepened sensuously and the world faded, just how long it might be before they got there.