Finally Unbroken
Page 7
So this morning, still not really having any answers, and aware that I couldn’t use the shop as my escape, I chose to walk down the unused, dusty road opposite the house I share with Keith. Deciding to see where it took me. Years ago the path would have led to the Millar farm, but they moved away, selling the land for development. It never became anything, other than a natural jungle, if the overgrowing grass and weeds were anything to go by. The path did lead into a forest area, which meant I was walking somewhere that probably hadn’t been walked on for years. Somewhere I was unlikely to be found. What worried me, was that I didn’t care if something happened to me, if I was never found. I wasn’t scared, it was excitement that I felt, the idea that I could slip away. Now, two hours of walking later, I want to clear my head, and I find myself sitting by a lake I didn’t know existed, with my head more messed up than ever.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been sitting here, staring at the almost still water of the lake.
Water shouldn’t be still, should it?
Water should move and flow and continually dance. This water seems stagnant, and something about that sits uneasily in the pit of my stomach. Like it’s a metaphor for my life. I left the house early this morning, I’ve been gone for hours and have no idea what time it is. What I do know is that I need to go to the shop and speak to Danny, I just hope I haven’t missed that opportunity.
It takes me ages to get into town. Taking the long way and weaving in and out of the overgrown bushes and through the forgotten fields. Even though I may be too late, I still walk slowly, watching the birds as they circle in the evening sunshine. I need to take my time and I drag my feet doing just that. I don’t really know what I’m doing. The explanation that Danny wants to give me is both important and irrelevant at the same time, if that’s even possible. I feel like the reasoning behind his decision has already been aired, I’m not sure what else he can tell me, or where he wants us to go from here. But there’s a need in me, a desire to know all, to hear the soft words fall from his lips. I haven’t had soft loving words spoken to me for years, and although it’s selfish, I want that—what’s more important is that I want that with Danny. Only Danny. Today, I’m making a choice just for me. My gait speeds up as I hit the town and the hard asphalt brings me back to the here and now. Reaching the door, I pull on the handle with purpose, glad that it’s still unlocked, it means he’s still here.
“Bel,” I hear the soft word and look straight up into startling blue eyes once again.
“Danny,” I whisper so quietly my own ears barely register the name as it spills from my lips.
My eyes graze his features, etching them once again in my memory. His face is older, but he’s only got better with age. Danny reaches his hand toward me, before widening his eyes and allowing it to drop back to his side.
“I’m glad you came,” he says gesturing to the kitchen area. It’s private in there, and I let out a relieved breath. I don’t want to be out the front of shop where people can see me, especially in the daytime. Moving through the place I know so well, seeing nothing is different, gives me a sense of peace. Now Danny is here, I figured he’d be changing things, or maybe he just hasn’t started yet. I meet his eyes and quickly avert mine, every time I look at him it burns. He still does it for me. Chiseled features, piercing eyes, and although I haven’t really seen it yet, his captivating smile, still adorns him. As I study Danny, my heart picks up speed. He must still keep himself in shape if the Henley he’s wearing stretched across his chest, showcasing every ripple hiding behind the material, is anything to go by. I have to stop before I feel nothing but lust. Right now, I need a clear head.
“Amanda’s coming back,” I blurt the words and drop down into a chair. I have no idea why I told him that, other than having something to say.
“Where has she been?” he asks. I notice his voice is solid, level, he’s keeping his feelings locked down. Something I need to get better at doing.
“She’s lived in France the last ten years, teaching English. She got married a few years ago. Pierre and Amanda dated for five years. It seems strange telling you this stuff, Danny, I feel like you should already know it.” I turn away feeling my face heat at the same time wanting to cry, knowing how far removed we have become from one another.
“Hey,” Danny’s voice pulls me back to him as it always did. “I should have known it, I should have been here. I wish I’d never left.” He shakes his head and moves away, looking out to the shop floor. “I never wanted to, you know that now.” He sighs and looks back at me. “I felt it every day, you have to understand that.”
I frown, not really sure what he’s trying to say. “What did you feel?”
“Broken. Without you, I’ve always been broken.” My lungs seize and for a few seconds there is no air, no blood pumping through my system, nothing, just shock. Then all at once the words slam into me and I stand, walking over to him.
“Danny…” I have nothing else to say, I’m not sure what any of this means, we’re not eighteen anymore. I step up to him and grab his upper arms. “Danny,” I breathe his name out, heat prickling my skin. He looks down at me and I feel the emotion creep up my throat. “I wanted… I always needed… you were…” My words get caught, but it doesn’t matter. Danny leans down pressing his lips against mine. They’re soft but firm. I close my eyes as I feel his big hand wrap around the back of my head, his other hand moves to my back between my shoulders, and he pulls me into him. I feel his thumb stroke the back of my ear and down my neck as his lips move over mine, softly, reverently, caressing me. It’s a kiss that doesn’t ask for any more. Just the need to be close, to touch. I press my body against him like I’m trying to sink into him altogether. I’ve missed Danny, everything about him. The truth, which I can’t allow myself to ignore anymore, is that I will always want this man… I’ll always love this man. I pull back and look into his surprised eyes.
“Bel, it’s always been you and me. Don’t run, please don’t run,” he pleads, I can hear the break in his voice as he wills me to stay. My hands shake and I look down at them, catching the glint of the cheap wedding band on my ring finger. I know what I need to do, but I have to do this the right way. If I’m gonna be free, then I firstly have to be me, just me.
“I can’t, Danny. Not now. You don’t have to wait, but if you do, then I’ll be your friend. It’s all I can offer right now,” I explain, before turning and walking out, moving further away from all my broken pieces. Every shard—Danny holds them all in his hands.
I can’t sleep. I’ve been lying here for two hours now, looking out the window at the silver moon, casting its light across my bed. I wish I could blame my lack of sleep on Keith, on him and his stupid friends making noise. But unusually, he’s quiet. When I came home today, he was pissed.
“Where the fuck have you been?” His words assaulted me the moment I stepped through the back door.
“I went for a walk.” I heard my own words and they sounded as though they came from someone else. The tone was flat, bored even.
“Listen, woman,” Keith snapped and grabbed my arm, hauling me back into his space. His eyes were threatening, and unlike I’d ever seen before. The whiskey was wafting from his mouth, carried to my nostrils with every breath. “You do not leave this house without making my breakfast. How the fuck do you expect me to go to work if you haven’t made my food?” He was breathing hard and the momentary flash of fear ebbed away as I looked at him. The only emotion he emitted from me these days was repulsion. I snatched my arm away.
“You’re a grown man, Keith. You can make your own damn breakfast. I needed a walk, some fresh air.”
His hand raised before I even realized it. As it swooped down, I thought about how in all these years, I’d always considered myself lucky because he’d never hit me. Suddenly in mid-air he stopped, letting his hand drop to his side. He shook his head, sneered at me and stalked off. I spent the rest of the day–and night–in my room. Both confused and deflated.
My first day at The Hatfield Club goes better than I expect it to. Although I must admit, waiting on people who mostly look down their noses at the wait staff throws me slightly. It momentarily makes me question whether my parents acted this way. I certainly never noticed it if they did. But even with a few superior acting customers, my shift mostly flies by. I get to meet Duncan and Selma. They’re both older than me and friendly enough. Just before I clock out we have a few minutes to chat. I tell them why I was happy to get this job, and how my parents used to come here. It comes to light that they knew them. Suddenly, I’m enveloped in kindness from virtual strangers. I bask in it. I’m not too proud to let someone show me kindness, I only hope one day I can show someone else the same. As I walk home distracted by the day, I don’t notice until the last minute that I’m walking toward Declan. I always avoid Keith’s friends when he isn’t there. Declan is something else, though, with his wandering hands and innuendos.
“Anabel, looking good sweetheart,” he oozes like slime and I feel a shiver creep up my back.
“Declan.” I move to walk past him, wrinkling my nose.
“Where are you going?” he asks grabbing my wrist.
“Home,” I lie.
“You have two minutes to stop and chat with an old friend.” He smirks at me. I rip my arm from his grasp. If I won’t let Keith tether me anymore, then I’m certainly not going to let his awful friends do it.
“You’re not my friend, Declan. You belong to Keith, and if I had my way you wouldn’t step foot anywhere near where I am.” I move to walk past him, but he grabs me around the waist this time and pulls me flush into his body. He’s so close I can feel his breath on my face.
“Now you listen to me,” he spits. “Keith might let you answer back, but I’m not Keith. You’ve been giving me signs for years, and you know you want me.” He tries to pull my waitress dress up. In that moment, every bit of vulnerability I’ve shown to Keith and his friends over the years runs like a movie reel through my head. I’ve had enough.
I’m not a possession.
I’m not a slave.
I’m not worthless.
And I’m not helpless.
Not anymore. I move my leg back slightly, and just as Declan pushes my dress up my thigh, I use all my force bringing up my knee straight into his balls. He drops instantly, crying out in pain, and although I can see he probably wants to cuss me out, he can’t, his face is red as he struggles to cry and breathe at the same time.
“Don’t ever touch me,” I seethe then turn and walk away. I come to a halt the instant I see Danny walking around the corner. He stops, stock still, on the other side of the road. I quickly walk on, not knowing what to say or do. I haven’t stopped thinking about him since our kiss, and although I offered him friendship, I’m not entirely sure how I can give him that. Not until I get out from under Keith’s footprint.
“Bel.” Danny runs up beside me and matches my gait as I continue walking.
“Not now, Danny.”
“Later then?”
I shake my head. “We’ll see, I’m not sure,” I mutter distractedly.
“No, Bel,” his demand is growled from beside me.
I stop, which makes him jolt to a stop too. We stare at each other for a few seconds and I can feel myself bristling from everything that’s happened recently. “If you think I’m going to realize my worth, finally, after all these years where Keith’s concerned, only to have another man try to command me, then you are very much mistaken,” I snap. Only then do I realize I’m pointing my finger at his chest. Pausing, I look at my finger then back at his chest, slightly stunned that I’m being so aggressive.
Shrugging, then turning around to leave, I stop when Danny says, “Please, Bel.” I deflate slightly and turn to face him once again.
“I didn’t really see what just happened with Declan, but I could clearly see your anger. Are you okay?” I don’t answer right away, thinking through what just occurred.
“Yeah. I actually am.”
He nods. “Okay, that’s good enough for me. I wasn’t trying to push you, Bel. I’m aware that you need space. That you need to sort your head out. But seeing the look in Declan’s eyes, even if he was writhing around on the floor…” he stops clenching his jaw. I watch, fascinated, as his blue eyes narrow and a cold look slithers across his face. “I wanted to go back and teach him some manners. I second guessed myself, because I’m sure Keith doesn’t know I’m back in town yet, and I don’t think for one second he’d be pleased if he thought his wife was spending any time with me.”
“I’m not, though,” I point out, throwing my hands in the air.
“Do you think that nugget of information would stop him being pissed if Declan told him you were with me? Would he believe you over Declan? I’ve been listening since your revelation at the beach, saying you weren’t happy. And as far as I’ve overheard through town gossip, you don’t have a good relationship.” He crosses his arms over his chest.
My thoughts scatter. The young girl in me wants to tell Danny everything, I want him to be my knight in shining armor, my hero. But the woman I want to be—the one that knows, in order to survive and to succeed must be able to look at herself in the mirror with pride—she needs to come forward to be the hero and the savior. “My relationship isn’t good. I’m pretty sure our kiss proved that. That shouldn’t have happened, no matter what. I still live under his roof and we’re still together.” I watch anguish flicker in his bright blue eyes. “I told you I could offer friendship and I can, but I need time. There are some things I need to sort out.” I glance over my shoulder, hoping we haven’t been spotted. I only moved into a side street when I left Declan, there’s always the possibility that he could appear any second.
“I won’t be here forever, Bel.” His words surprise me, not because I expect him to wait around, but because he’s the one who wants more from me this time, and he knows the situation I’m in.
“Nice of you to let me know,” I snap at him. “You come back here after you left me. You now know what that did to me? I’m shocked that you’re back at all, let alone telling me how you feel and what you want. You’re aware of my situation. That I’m married. So you could cut me some slack,” I puff out my frustration, and only then I notice Danny’s jaw working, his body taut, and the whites of his knuckles showing on his clenched fists.
“I get it,” he grinds the words out through his locked jaw. “I hurt you. You’re angry. You have every right to be, and yes I can give you time. But I won’t give you forever. I’m not going to wait around like a puppy. You’re so angry about the past, something I did when I was still a boy, something I thought I was doing for you. I get that. You’re still hurt, I understand. What you have to get, is that I’m also hurting still. I’ve been hurting every damn day since I let you walk away, ripping my heart out with every step you took.” His words are like machine gun fire, pushing holes through every part of my body. Spinning around, Danny walks away, and I can’t move until he’s disappeared from my sight, until I feel less like I might throw up the contents of my stomach at any second.
I’m still reeling from everything when I walk into the house that evening. Keith is in front of the television. “Get me a beer,” he says by way of a greeting as I shrug my jacket off.
Sighing, I look at the ceiling. “Get your own,” I tell him as I move toward the stairs. I make it to my bedroom before the door is thrown open, smashing against the wall.
“The fuck you say?” Keith spits to my back.
I close my eyes then turn to face him. The man who I’ve allowed to have so much control over my life for all these years. This man who doesn’t really love me, but instead feels like he owns
me. “I’m done.”
His eyes widen for a second then they narrow and he clenches his fists. “We’re done when I say we are, and not a second before.”
“You have no hold over me anymore. I told you, Keith. I’m done.”
“And I don’t think you’re listening. This isn’t a choice you get to make. We were married in God’s house. You agreed to obey me, so fucking obey!”
“No!” I scream. The word is raw and painful and freeing all at the same time.
Keith launches himself forward and grips me around the throat, pushing me up against the wall. It shocks me, but not as much as it should do. He places his mouth near my ear and speaks quietly, menacingly. “I fucking own you. You think I’m going to allow another man to screw you? That I’ll let the whole fucking town laugh at me, or say, oh look, there’s Keith, the one whose wife is a whore. You will do as you’re told. Fall into fucking line or I will make you.”