“Rubén’s always a choice, right?” I wink at her, trying to make her laugh. It works when a bubble of laughter pops out of her throat. It calms the edgy, twitchy feeling sparking inside of me.
“Hmm, he was always a choice. He just never asked. I’m not sure I could show anyone my chest anymore…” she stops and bites her lower lip, then whispers, “I feel like half a woman.” She grimaces and it makes me grind my teeth, anger spiking once again at the bastard she was married to.
“Come on. Let’s get out of here, we’ll start up a Nicolas Sparks movie marathon,” I tell her standing up. She groans, but gets up and slips her arm through mine and I lead her back home.
“I don’t believe this shit,” Rubén says slamming the car door. I took him for a drive to share about Amanda. He’s always had a thing for her. She was the one he never actually asked out. He never crossed that line with her, even though I know he desperately wanted to. He got with so many damn girls when we were younger, and yet he never had the balls to ask out Amanda Warren, when she was the only one he really wanted. I know what he’s been thinking since I called him up the other day and he hauled his ass out here. She was alone, no husband in tow. He was hoping his shot might come up. It was a douche move, but a natural one, when he flirted with the waitress last night. We talked about them after we dropped them off.
“Never been anyone else who’s made me see a possibility of a future. No joke.” Were his exact words. Now I’ve had to break it to him, that she not only has cancer, but it’s terminal. And fuck me, but if my heart isn’t breaking because of this situation. I’m going to have to be strong for Bel, and also Rubén. That doesn’t mean that I don’t carry my own pain, I’m gonna lose Amanda too and I feel like a dick because I’ve left it so many years to connect, especially because she was one of my closest friends when we were younger.
Getting out of the car I follow Rubén up the path he’s taken to the peak of Pikes Hill. I came up here because we needed to be away from people, then, if he had to scream he could—curse, no problem, kick something, fine—he can even punch me and we’re guaranteed that no cops will be called.
When I reach him, he’s sitting on the ground, looking over the town. I lower myself down next to him.
“Shit man. It hit me hard when Bel told me last night. She’s off to the docs today. I expect it won’t be good news. I figured I’d let you know so you can deal how you see fit.”
He twists his head to face me. “How I see fit?” The words are growled at me.
“Yeah, didn’t know how you’d handle it. So I thought, better you punch me than shout and scream if Amanda told you.” His shoulders sag as the fight seeps out of him and the news sinks in.
“I don’t know why I feel like this?”
“Of course you do. When you came back here, you wanted to make something happen between the two of you. You let your feelings back in. You’ve shut them off for years.”
He nods his head. “Yeah, and now I can’t switch the fuckers back off.”
“That’s how it happens.” My cell buzzes in my pocket and I consider ignoring it. If it’s Shannon, I may throw it. It buzzes again.
“You gonna get that?” Rubén says his tone flat.
Pulling it out of my pocket I’m relieved when I see it’s Bel.
Bel: Just come back from the docs. It’s as we expected. Not good news. They say two months. Tops.
Her words are like a hot poker being stuck in my chest. “Fuck,” I curse, closing my eyes, trying to bite back the sadness as a tightness spreads through my limbs.
“What?” Rubén snaps.
“It’s Bel, they’re back from the docs. She said they’ve given Amanda two months, at most.” I push the words out through my clenched teeth.
“Fuck!” he screams into the empty space. I look down at my phone thinking about what I need to say to help Bel.
Me: Fuck. Honestly baby, I can’t believe this shit. I’m here. You want me to pop over later?
Rubén’s hanging his head between his knees and I give him the space he needs while I concentrate on Anabel.
Bel: No. Thanks anyway.
Her response is short. I’m not sure whether it’s the best thing to do, but my fingers move across the screen dialing her before I can change my mind.
“Danny?” She answers, confusion in her tone.
“Sorry Bel, I wanted to hear your voice and texting is so impersonal. Can you talk?”
“Yeah. She’s asleep again.”
“Okay, so what exactly is going on?” I ask, my mouth dry.
“She was trialing this drug, it was helping prolong her life. It’s stopped working.”
“Shit,” I mutter, which gets Rubén’s attention.
“Her pop is coming back soon. He was giving her some time with me first.”
“That’s nice of him. He knows how much you mean to each other.” I can feel Rubén’s eyes burning into me.
“Danny… I don’t know how to be strong this time… for her. I’m afraid I’ll not be able to hold her up.” My stomach drops through my shoes at hearing her pain.
“Hey, it’s okay, as long as you’re there that will be enough. You can cry, she will expect it. If you need to get your feelings out, then write them down. Get a notebook, put it in your purse so you can carry it around with you. Release the pain onto the paper, then you can stay strong for her. When she’s gone baby…” I hear her catch a breath, “…when she’s gone, you can revisit your words and let them out. I’ll be there to hold you up.”
She doesn’t say anything for a few minutes and I give her the time she needs.
“I’m going to spend a couple of days with her. I’ll call in sick at work, luckily I’m only in tomorrow then I have three days off anyway. We’ll catch up with you and Rubes in a couple of days. If he’s still about?” Her words are rushed out as she moves past the emotion she’s trying to push down.
“I think he’ll be staying in town,” I say looking at Rubén.
“Fuck, yeah,” he murmurs.
Anabel releases a relieved sigh into my ear. “Good,” she says softly.
“Bel, I’m just wondering, you don’t have to tell me if Amanda doesn’t want us to know. But what’s the deal with her husband? I thought she was married?” At my question, I swear Bel growls down the phone. “Bel?”
“He left her.”
“What the fuck?” I ask, my pulse elevating.
“Said he couldn’t cope with her going through chemo… said it killed him the last time, and he couldn’t cope. His mom died from cancer and his sister had a mastectomy. And Danny, so has Amanda.”
“Fuck me. What kind of a cold bastard is he? That should make him more compassionate,” I answer, my voice spiking and now Rubén is frowning, even though he doesn’t know what Bel’s saying.
“I know, right? He said…” she trails off.
“What? What is it?”
“He said she was less of a woman to him because she wouldn’t have reconstructive surgery.”
“The fuck!” I shout jumping to my feet. A pounding has started in my ears and I curl my fists.
“Ow! That was right in my ear, Danny.”
“Sorry, Bel,” I snap like I’m not sorry at all. Luckily Bel gets me if her soft chuckle is anything to go by.
“That’s pretty much how I reacted. I can’t believe he was such a dick,” she tells me.
“She still hung up on him?” I ask, my blood surging through me with purpose
“Nope. Not even a little bit. Only that he hurt her, made her feel ugly. Worthless.”
“Good. A dick like that doesn’t deserve anything from her,” I say the words knowing I’m going to find out as much as I can about him. I’m going to make him bleed, one way or another.
“Yeah, he only deserves to be hung from a meat hook… by his testicles.” I wince at her explanation, but can’t disagree with the statement. “Where are you?” she asks.
“We’re at Pikes Hill. I needed to b
ring Rubén somewhere, to explain.” I hear her sharp intake of breath. “We’ll be fine, Bel. You worry about Amanda and call when you’re ready to meet up. Until then, we’ll hang. Okay?” I say gulping in air and trying to calm myself down.
“Yeah,” she whispers and I swear this woman makes my body do things without even trying. I bite my lip.
“I’ll catch you later,” I say.
“Yeah…” She breathes again, then the phone disconnects.
“Tell me everything,” Rubén demands before I’ve even had a chance to put the cell in my pocket.
I sigh. “Sit down, man.”
It isn’t my phone that’s busted by the time I’d finished.
I pace back and forth and the more I do, the angrier I get. Amanda is sleeping. She took some pretty strong sleeping pills and told me she’d be out for the night. I can’t stop thinking about everything that has happened over the last twenty-four hours. My life has changed, in a way that I know without a shadow of a doubt, I’ll never get it back, not to where it was before I found out. All I can focus on right now is that I’m going to lose my friend. The most important person in my world, the one who’s helped me survive my life, a life that hasn’t been easy. And she is going to lose hers before she’s really even had a chance to start it.
Amanda is such a beautiful soul. Always trying to be the best kind of person, the one that the rest of us wish we were like. How is it fair that child molesters sit in prison, having three square meals a day and yet my generous, loving, inspiring friend, doesn’t get to live for much longer?
I can’t get all the emotions out, the thoughts and feelings running through me right now are a constant pounding on my skin, every nerve is on end and I want to punch something—repeatedly—until blood oozes through my fingers. Or maybe drive a car, I don’t care whose, into a tree, over and over, until the numbness sets in. As I look across at her, my delicate and kind friend, all I can see is the disease on the inside, eating away, destroying her, trying to extinguish her life. The hardest part is knowing that cancer is winning.
More often these days people say they’ve beaten cancer, so why not her?
I pull my eyes from the tiny sleeping form and remember what Danny suggested. Pulling myself up, I walk to my room, grab an empty notebook, and settle on my knees by the window.
Cancer. I hate it. Why does it reside in my best friend? How do I cope? How can I be strong? She needs me and I’m falling apart. No. I need to put one foot in front of the other and do whatever it takes. Whatever she needs.
I scribble my words in the notebook, hoping, somehow, they will relieve me of this pain. Because losing her, will tear my soul in two.
My thoughts wander back to Pierre. I can’t understand how he could just desert her, leave her to fight on her own. I want to hurt him so bad. Sighing, I know I’m not in any position to do much about it. I think about Danny and Rubén, make a decision, grab my jacket and take Amanda’s car.
By the time I stop at Pikes Hill, I’m surprised to see Danny’s rental still here. I thought they might be gone by now. I’ve had time for the anger to bubble and I need someone to help me ease it.
Jumping out of the car and walking up the path, I spot them both sitting on the grass. I stomp up to them and they both look at me in surprise. Their eyes widen, they can obviously see the crazy bitch that’s fighting to get out.
“Bel,” Danny says standing.
“Babe?” Rubén says joining him.
I stare up at the two of them. “You two have money… I believe… I mean you both wear fancy clothes and have nice shoes,” I snap looking down at their feet. “It’s not a stretch to assume you have money when I compare you to the men of this town.” I’m jabbering on so much that I miss the humor as they both try not to laugh. “I mean… if you have money, you can hire a hitman on Pierre, right? Not while Amanda’s still around, I don’t want to upset her, but after? Oh, yes…” I stop and look down at my hands, then my head snaps back up. “Oooh, we could totally get someone who will, like, play with him a bit. You know, like a few cuts here and there, maybe tie him to a chair and make him watch bad renditions of the national anthem while his dick is squeezed in a vise?” I stop and look at them when they both start flat out laughing.
“Babe, you have totally thought a lot about this, haven’t you,” Rubén states through his snickers.
“Not really,” I dismiss, shaking my head. Then they both burst into rumbles of laughter, I watch Danny’s throat as his head is thrown back. Taking in all that is him, and he’s a sight to behold. Then he stops laughing abruptly and looks straight at me.
“What’s his name, Bel?”
“Err… Pierre,” I answer looking between the two deadly serious faces before me.
“Last name,” he snaps and I swallow.
“Bellerose.”
“You know anything else about him. Job? Location? Anything?”
“I know he lived in Paris. I’m assuming he still lives there. Other than that… no....” I trail off. “What are you going to do?” I ask, swallowing and suddenly wondering if I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.
“I’m going to make him bleed,” Danny answers.
“What!” I shriek.
“Not with blood. Well, not unless there’s a way to do that easily. But I’ll find his weakness,” Danny replies with a smirk.
“And if he doesn’t, I will. Even if he does, we’ll share in the fun of bringing that fucker to his knees,” Rubén adds.
I nod and twiddle the car keys in my fingers, suddenly feeling slightly stupid at storming up here and ranting away.
“I’m gonna go for a walk,” Rubén says, not waiting for a reply before leaving Danny and me alone.
My eyes get cut off from Rubén as Danny steps into my space. I’m starting to realize it’s his thing. He gets close like he’s claiming me. Grabbing my chin, he pulls my face up to meet his.
“Eyes babe,” he demands and I look up to him.
“Trust me when I say, Pierre Bellerose will pay. I don’t know how, and you may never find out. But just trust that between Rubén and me, no matter what he does, who he has at his back, we will make him pay for hurting her.” I swallow and nod, feeling my nose sting. “I will be here, by your side, for as much or as little as you need me over the next couple of months. No pressure, this isn’t me trying to be with you. We both get where we are, and right now, our relationship wherever it leads is secondary to Amanda and us being there for her. I’m gonna support you through this and I’ll be here after, too. I’ll be whatever you need me to be, and if that’s just your friend, forever, then that’s okay. If you want more. Then know, Bel, I’ll love you forever. That I promise. You come to me broken inside or out. You have cancer, lose your breasts. Car accident, lose your legs. Alzheimer’s, you can’t remember me. I’ll still fucking love you. I’ve loved you for this long. Nothing’s gonna change that, baby. Not ever,” he states and my knees weaken with not only his words but the pure emotion that has been within me over the last twenty-four hours. He catches me and pulls me up to him and I lay both palms on his chest, getting lost in his eyes. “Told you, I’ll hold you up. Meant always, Bel.”
I move my mouth forward without thinking and touch my lips to his. He stays still, giving me my play. Moving across his mouth, feeling it, tasting it. The softness is like velvet and I close my eyes groaning. That’s all it takes for Danny to take over. He gently bites my lower lip and pulls it away from the top. Then he captures it in between his lips, before sweeping his tongue along and inside my mouth. My hands slide up his chest and wrap around his neck as he reaches down, grabbing me under my butt and lifting me. I cross my legs around his back as he pulls away from my mouth, bringing one hand up, off my butt and into my hair, gripping it at the nape and pulling my head back exposing my neck. He kisses under my jaw and moves up slowly, reaching my ear he bites the lobe and a moan escapes me. His fingers spread across my scalp and he wrenches my head back down finding purchase on
my mouth again.
“Nice,” I hear chuckled from behind, and it brings me back to my senses. Still Danny doesn’t stop straight away, instead finishing the kiss I started. Then biting my lip before finally letting me down.
“You and me, Bel. We were always meant to be. You can’t deny it. I’ll wait, or I’ll be here with you, as more than just your friend. The ball is in your court.”
“I think…” I pant as my mind whirls trying to put the puzzle back together.
“Yeah,” he whispers and everything inside me clenches.
“I think, I’d like to try just taking this slow. Kisses… okay. More than that… no. Not for a while,” I tell him casting my eyes low.
“Eyes baby.” I look back to him. “That sounds like a good call. Especially right now. And Bel, after kissing you twice, not sure I’d be good with seeing you but not kissing you, so it works out well for me.” His lip twitches and I smile. My thoughts jump to Amanda and I frown. “She wouldn’t want you to stop living life. Ask her, I bet she’ll tell you that,” he says knowing my thoughts.
“She already did,” I answer, knowing he’s right. She wants me to have someone, more than that. She wants me to have Danny, she of all people knows how long I’ve wanted him. “It’s getting dark, I need to get back.” He nods and kisses me softly on the lips then lets me go.
“See ya, Bellie,” Rubén says with a wink and I salute him with two fingers.
As I drive away, my feelings are mixed and a sickness comes over me. I know what I want, Amanda has shown me how short life is and that you need to grab it, buckle down, and enjoy the ride. My other thoughts tell me I’m selfish for wanting my happiness when Amanda is losing her life, and knowing that she’s part of my own happiness makes me wonder, what exactly my own future holds without her. That’s a thought that I push from my mind, as I stop the car to hurl. Jolting to the side of the road, I only just manage to open the door before the lunch I had earlier makes a reappearance. As I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and with my head hanging down, trying to catch my breath, I see a pair of feet come into view.
Finally Unbroken Page 12
