“Well, look at you, being sick in the street. Nice, Anabel.” I close my eyes then look up to Declan, who stands in the way of me shutting my car door. “Now you’ve left Keith, maybe I can finally get a taste,” he says and I can smell the full force of his whiskey stench now.
“Get out of the way,” I demand, trying to pull the door. Declan clamps a hand on the frame to stop it moving.
“Now, now, that’s not friendly.” My stomach turns over and I hurl again all over his shoes. “Shit!” he shouts but, unfortunately, doesn’t lift his hand from the door. “You fucking b—”
“Declan. What you doing, man?” Keith’s voice rings out in the darkness, and I’ve never in my life been so happy to hear it. After the way he was when I left the other week, I’m hoping like hell his thoughts haven’t changed.
“Just chatting,” Declan growls as Keith reaches my door. A flicker of concern washes over Keith’s face as he reaches the car and sees the vomit on the ground.
“Anabel, are you okay?” he asks me.
“Yeah, I’m not feeling too good, though. I want to go home.” His eyes flash with pain on the word home. “Declan wants to talk, but I’ve been trying to tell him I’m not in the mood,” I answer gesturing to the ground.
“Leave her be, Declan. She’s not well. Come on, man,” Keith says pulling him away from my door. I smile at Keith and he offers me a fake smile back. “Be well, Anabel,” he whispers before dragging Declan away.
I shut my door, then close my eyes for a second, trying to pull strength from somewhere. Starting the car, I open the window and pull away, driving back to Amanda’s before anything else can happen. When I get back, I check on her then crawl into bed. Knowing that whatever I feel right now, it’s just a fraction of what she’s suffered and still going through.
Snuggling up with Amanda has been my life for two days. The first day because I was still sick, after vomiting through the whole of the night. The second because Amanda wasn’t feeling so hot. We decided there were enough films to keep us in bed for the foreseeable future. Anyway, if all else failed, we always had Chris Hemsworth as Thor. Him, we could watch on repeat. I must have fallen asleep tonight though, because the television screen is blue and Amanda has disappeared. Pulling back the covers, I throw on a robe over my PJ’s and ease my feet into my slippers. Traipsing through the house, my eyes move to the kitchen door. The only visible light is coming from a crack at the bottom of its frame. Pushing through the swing door, the empty space throws me. Expecting to see Amanda, confusion stirs. I’m about to turn around when I spot a small light in the backyard. Trying the door handle leading to the outside space, it’s unlocked, so I move out there. Immediately, I wrap my arms around my body. It’s chilly tonight. I realize how cold it is as I walk through the garden and my breath dances in front of me, disguised as a white cloud of smoke.
“Amanda, what are you doing out here?” I ask upon reaching her. She’s curled into a garden chair. Her small hunched frame leaning forward, almost reflectively, the heels of her feet sit on the edge of the chair, as her arms hold onto her knees.
She looks up at me and blinks like she’s surprised to see me. “Oh, I was just watching the stars,” she answers softly turning her face back up to the sky. “Do you think there’s anything more? Anything after?” she asks quietly, introspectively.
“Yes,” I answer, my tone absolute. “There has to be,” I whisper, gazing up at the stars.
“I hope I end up there,” she murmurs still staring up at the sky.
Turning to look at her again, my eyes take in her pale face, her usually pink lips have a tinge of blue. She only has her PJ’s on. Slipping my robe off, I wrap it around her.
“What are you doing?” she asks, pulling her eyes away from the dark night.
“You’re freezing.”
“I’m okay. I’ll go in soon.”
“No. Wear the robe, warm up,” I say moving to the front of her and pulling the cord tight around her waist.
She places her small cold hand on mine. “You’ll freeze, honey,” she says smiling.
I look up to her face from my crouching position. “That’s okay, it’s better this way, because it means I keep my soul warm,” I reply smiling and running the back of my hand over her cheek.
The gasp she makes is muffled as her hands shoot up to cover her mouth. Slowly she pulls them away. “You remember that?”
“I remember everything we’ve shared, Moo. You have to know, although we’ve never been blood, you’ve always been my sister, my best friend, my soul, and I’ll never forget anything. Not one single thing.”
The tears she was controlling spill over and run down her nose. Watching them, I wonder how they don’t freeze instantly, it feels cold enough tonight.
“I’m so scared, Bellie, so fucking scared,” her voice is saturated with pain and my chest aches. Shooting my hands out, I grab both of hers. “What if everyone forgets… you’ll have lives that grow… change. You’ll move forward, I have no legacy. If I’m forgotten, it’ll be like I never existed.” Her face crumples and a little part of me dies inside as I beat back the tears stinging my eyes.
I throw myself around her. “You’ll never be forgotten. Fucking never. Understand that now. You. Have. My. Soul.” I breathe heavily, trying to calm my rapidly beating heart, stopping it from jumping into my throat, or breaking apart in a permanent way. “Since we sat out here after my mom died and I asked whether you believed in soul mates. You replied that they had to exist because you’d never seen another married couple, love each other, as much as my mom and pop. I asked if you thought your soul mate was the person you married. I remember it like it was an hour ago, Amanda. Your answer has kept me going for all these years.” I stop speaking as she opens her mouth.
“I hope not, because I don’t want to marry you, Bellie. But you sure as fuck have my soul.” She repeats the words she first said all those years ago and lets slip a small, hollow laugh. The sorrow in her voice crushes me inside, but I know how she feels about the memory. I feel the exact same way. She has my soul. Always has, since we were kids. I remember her saying those words all those years ago, as we stared at the sky back then, just like now. Her saying them again is both happy and sad, and I feel the melancholy surrounding us both.
As we stare upward, me crouching next to her chair, not really feeling the cold anymore, but welcoming the numbness in my limbs.
She speaks so low that it’s barely audible. “Knowing someone will remember me gives me peace, Bellie. Knowing it’s you that’s gonna be the one to remember me… gives me the strength to face what’s coming.” At her words, my silently breaking heart slams into my chest as I quietly slip my fingers through hers, saying nothing, knowing automatically that she just needs to watch the stars, to believe there’s something more. Seeing the light amongst the dark. Trusting in the unknown.
Later that night, after taking her back to bed and watching her fall asleep, I pull out my notebook and sit on the window ledge. Cracking open the big window, I relish the breeze hitting my legs, it makes me feel like I’m closer to the stars as I scribble away.
She’s so beautiful—inside and out. Her light should remain here. If she has to leave… knowing she’s burning bright for everyone to see. Eternally watching over us all. It’s all I have to cling on to. The good things about her are too many to list, the bad—there is no bad. She has so much more to give. Her heart is so big. No matter how long I think on this, think about my friend. I know, I’ll never find a good enough reason for her to be taken. Not one single reason.
It’s time to go back to work. A couple of weeks ago I would have found it hard enough, knowing Amanda was back here, and I couldn’t spend time with her. Now it’s like torture, being truly aware that every second counts.
“Hey, stop worrying! I’ll have Danny and Rubén to keep me company, and you can’t keep me to yourself,” Amanda says winking. I warm inside, happy that she seems cheerful.
“Pfft.” Th
e sound pops out of my mouth and we both laugh. I calm myself first and watch as she wipes happy tears from her eyes. I so badly want them to be the only kind of tears she ever has. “So what’s the plan for tonight?” My question is because Amanda wants to fit so much in.
She made a list yesterday. A bucket list. It’s mostly silly things, like rowing a boat out to the middle of the lake. It’s her way of feeling like she still has a say in her life, by choosing what to do with the time she has left. Until she tells me differently, every day is Amanda’s way. Her wish, her wants, her dreams. Whatever that entails.
“Well, I’ve asked the boys to take me to play golf.”
“Erm… what?” I reply scratching my head. Never in my life has Amanda talked about golf.
“I thought it might be a cool… new thing to do,” she tells me smirking.
“You want to ride the golf buggy,” I state, placing my hands on my hips.
“Wanted to since I was ten. I cannot freaking wait!” she says bouncing up and down on her tiptoes. I smile. Huge. This is what I want for her, every moment savored. It’s selfish because I get to see most of these moments too, which means I get to keep them forever.
“‘Kay, I’m going, before I get fired.” Moving toward her, I lean down and clutch her to me. I know just how important every last hug is. Kissing her on the forehead before I make my way to work. Wishing I could just stay with my girl.
“So what do you want to do now?” I ask Amanda. We’ve spent the last two hours pretending to play golf. In reality, Rubén and I have tried to play a few holes, to make it look legit, but Amanda has pushed the golf cart to its limits, not only with speed but some of the terrain she’s decided to test it on. Ending in both Rubén and me falling out of the cart more than once. We’ve laughed. Huge. It’s been amazing. I hate knowing this wonderful person is being lost to the world. Lost to our world. And there’s nothing we can do to stop it.
“There is something I’d like to do, but I’m not sure if it will be okay?” she speaks so softly, all feminine and kindness. She would have made a fantastic mother. My eyes move to Rubén, who watches her intently. If our paths had taken different routes, she could be here with Rubén now, maybe even have a child. Still, I expect it wouldn’t have made any difference in the end. It hurts, thinking that if I’d been honest with Bel all those years ago, if Bel and I had gotten together and stayed together, Amanda and Rubén may have stood a chance. Being that I would have always kept in contact with Rubén, likewise with Bel and Amanda. Spending time together as adults has shown that their flirting hasn’t waned over the years, in fact, it only seems to have become stronger. If Rubén had been given those few extra years to grow up, man up, make his move, they may have been together now. Shaking the thoughts from my head, knowing they won’t make any difference now, I smile at Amanda.
“Whatever you want, babe,” I say. The smiles she gives back, lights up her whole face.
Rubén slings his arm around her shoulder. “Tell us what you want, your wish is our command.” He winks and she blushes slightly. Maybe it’s not too late for them.
“Well, I’d really like to go and have lunch where Bellie works.” She looks between Rubén and me and when neither of us says anything, she carries on speaking quickly, “I mean, not to annoy her, or get her in trouble. I just… I miss her, and want to spend as much time with her as possible.” Amanda stops talking, looking down at her hands and fiddling with her fingers, lacing them together and unlacing them, back and forth and back again. Rubén grabs her hands in his and pulls them to his lips, kissing them three times. It’s intimate and I feel slightly out of place watching, so I avert my eyes but I’m glad they’re having a moment.
“We’re going to see her, have lunch, and then I’m going to speak to the manager. See if I can ask him to put her on hold for a while, let you two spend some time together,” Ruben tells her.
“She can’t… I mean, she needs to work.” Amanda’s cheeks pink again.
“It’s okay, I’ll cover Anabel,” he replies, realizing what Amanda means is that Bel needs the money.
“No.” The word pops out of my mouth before my brain engages. Once it’s out there, though, I know with one hundred percent certainty, that I meant it.
“What the fuck, dude?” Rubén hisses at me. His body tenses.
“You will not cover, Anabel. I will talk with her. She’s mine, Rubén. Mine. Remember that,” I say glancing over to Amanda then back at him. He gets my point when the annoyance seeps out of him and his lips tip up. He wouldn’t want me taking care of Amanda in that way, and they haven’t even kissed yet. I don’t think.
“Come on, let’s get our asses some food,” Rubén demands, dragging Amanda with him, his arm around her once again, possessing her. It’s a deliberate move, and I smile, knowing all too well where this is headed.
“How many, sir?” the hostess pulls me back into the room with her question.
“Three,” answering robotically, my attention sways back to the location where I just saw Anabel. With some sleazy little prick fawning all over her. I could see how uncomfortable she was, even from this distance. Stretching my neck from side to side, I follow the others.
“Can I take your coat, sir?” The hostess asks as Rubén cocks his eyebrow at me. Only then do I realize that the woman asking for my coat has been paying extra attention to me. But I don’t see her or them. It’s Anabel, it’s only ever been her.
“No.” My dismissal causes her shoulders to stiffen, as she walks away.
“Harsh, dude,” Rubén says before I sit opposite the two of them.
“Amanda, do you know who Bel works with? I mean, does she speak about the other members of staff here?” I question, stretching my neck to try and spot her again, pushing down the rumbling that’s trying to come out as a growl.
“No. She hasn’t really said much about it here. Just that it’s pretty boring, but it’s a job, and her choices were to work here or to continue living with Keith.”
Amanda’s words clog my throat, knowing my girl only had those two choices. I have enough money to give her the life she deserves. Bel won’t take it, though. I’ll have to find a way to make her. Get her to see it’s not a handout. Just as I’m thinking of how to get her away from this place she comes into view, with the prick hot on her heels. Without thinking, I stand up and move, stopping at her front. She comes to a halt and looks up at me, staring as I hear him behind her saying, “Dude?” like I’m some little prick friend of his. I switch off the part of my brain that wants to punch him, and instead merely concentrate on Bel.
“You’re here?” she whispers.
“I’m wherever you are,” I tell her. “I never left.”
She just stares up at me, biting her bottom lip. Making me want to drag her away. Now.
“Errr… dude, we’re working here. Bella, come on, we’ve got work to do.”
Him calling her Bella grates on me, especially because she winces when he says it. She never liked being called Bella. Trying to be diplomatic, knowing that’s what Bel needs right now, I level my gaze on him.
“She’s dealing with me. Last time I checked, I’m a paying customer. Seems it’s her job to talk to me. Why don’t you collect the dishes and stow them in the kitchen, like a good little boy.” I know my words are rude, but I give not one shit. His eyes narrow on me, but I drop my gaze to Bel, watching her biting the inside of her mouth, trying not to giggle. Her eyes twinkle as she moves them to me, then widens them in a ‘you’re so bad’ kind of look. Dickweasel goes red in the face and opens his mouth until some older guy calls his name. His eyes cut to the guy and narrow before he stomps away with all the grace of a small child.
“That’s Malcolm,” Bel says glancing over her shoulder at a now angry looking Malcolm, being talked at by the older guy. “He’s Mr. Cumberland’s nephew.” My eyebrows pull into a questioning look. “Mr. Cumberland is the manager,” she clarifies and I release my eyebrows on a nod.
“Is he d
ecent?” I ask her, annoyance still sizzling under the surface.
She bites her lip and her eyes move sideways to the ground. Not good. They come back to meet mine. “Mr. Cumberland…. yes, absolutely. He’s a good guy through and through. Malcolm, I’m not sure about. He’s not a bad guy, but he’s a bit of a creeper. Apparently, he likes me, Esther, one of the other waitresses told me. I don’t think she’s right, but he asked me about Keith and I explained that I’m still married.” Those words scorch like acid in my stomach. “He talks to me a lot, even when we’re busy, especially since I came back after those few days off with Amanda. I don’t have any reason to be annoyed, he’s not done anything. He’s just chatty.”
I hate this for her. I want her to be divorced now, to be in my arms, to let me look after her. “I want to talk to you later. Can we carve out some time?” I ask.
She glances over to Amanda and Rubén, who are seated but fully engaged in conversation. “Yeah, as long as Amanda is happy and entertained then I can spare some time. Not too much, though, I want to spend as much time with her as possible.” She swallows a couple of times. She must be thinking about the short timeframe we all have left with Amanda.
“Okay, when she’s asleep? That way you’re not losing any time with her,” I propose.
She smiles up at me. “Sounds perfect. Anyway, go, sit, I have work to do.” I nod, running my thumb down her cheek, then turn and make my way to the table.
“I can’t believe you did that. I never expected to see you lot at work,” I say looking over my shoulder to Amanda. She sits at the kitchen table, while I wash that morning’s dishes.
Finally Unbroken Page 13
