“You’re wooing me?” I ask, as my cheeks heat.
“You want to look at it like that Bel, have at it. For me, you’re mine. It doesn’t matter whether we’re dating, living together, married, it’s all going to happen anyway. All you need to know is through it all, you’re mine.” My heart picks up speed, in a great way, thinking about all our future possibilities as I snuggle under his arm. Then my stomach hollows, thinking on all the same things Amanda is going to miss out on. My eyes move to the ceiling. Whatever Amanda might miss out on, it’s not going to stop her making the most of the time she has now, and neither should we.
Waking the next morning, warmth envelops me. Danny. Strangely I don’t feel suffocated like I always did when Keith’s arms were draped over me in those early years. I smile and allow myself these few moments of quiet, as I bask in his love. His powerful but gentle arms, holding me, even in sleep, like I’m precious. Delicate. Loved.
My ears pick up noise in the kitchen, so carefully I slip from his body. I stand and stare down at him. His face is gentle, soft, while in sleep. Not that I don’t see that side of him generally. It’s just his face always seems to be doing something. It’s like, even if I see him standing, looking relaxed, his mind is constantly going and his face portrays that. It shows he’s always aware. Right now, it’s like I’m looking back at that seventeen-year-old, the one I first fell in love with. The one I never stopped loving. My battered heart constricts from the pain, then just like that, like a rubber band snapping, I exhale letting everything out. Knowing this right here—this is my future.
Happier than I’ve felt in a long while, knowing that’s what Amanda wants for me too, I feel as though I’m walking on clouds as I make my way to the kitchen. Putting my hand to the door, Amanda’s giggles make me stop. I second guess my decision to enter the room, knowing they need time.
“Make me toast then stable boy.”
“Yes, milady.” I take a tentative step back, scared of what I might find if I open the door. “You want jelly, babe?” Rubén asks and hearing his voice back to normal, my feet automatically move forward. My palm going to the wood I push through.
“Morning, Bellie.”
“Morning, babe.”
They both chorus together and all the wariness leaves my body.
“Morning,” I chirp back.
“Danny?” Amanda asks nodding toward the living room.
“Still sleeping,” I reply.
“Toast?” Rubén asks me, waving Amanda’s freshly cooked, jam covered breakfast at me.
“No thanks. I can only stomach coffee when I’ve first woken up,” I tell him, dragging my feet until I reach the coffee pot, pouring myself a fresh cup and adding creamer. I inhale the scent before slugging back a few gulps. Moving to the table, I watch as they eat their breakfast. Throwing each other meaningful glances, while consuming their food, my brain starts working and a realization kicks in.
“You two did the nasty, didn’t you?” I wink at them both sitting opposite me as Rubén encourages Amanda to eat some toast.
Rubén shakes his head smiling, gets up, takes his cup to the basin, walks back to Amanda, then crouches down to her height. Leaning in, he kisses her mouth softly and says, “I’m going to take a shower, come join me soon?” Amanda nods, biting her lip. “No one more beautiful, babe,” he whispers then walks out.
I feel the emotions get clogged in my throat as I watch him walk away.
“So?” I say smiling.
“He… he….” She stops and takes a breath, reining in the emotion. “We made love, Bellie. He was gentle, caressing me, touching me, holding me. He kissed every scar on my chest, telling me it meant I survived, that I was a fighter, and nothing should make a man prouder than to see battle scars on his woman. He said he knew I was beautiful when we were younger, that he was a douche not pinning me down then. But now, I wasn’t just beautiful… I was perfect. He wouldn’t change a thing.” She smiles through the tears that stream down her cheeks and I mirror her as my own tears threaten to erupt.
“He’s everything I could have ever wished for… for you, Moo,” my voice trembles as I try to convey to her just how much I believe what I’m saying.
“This is… it’s what,” Amanda sighs, twisting her fingers around each other.
“What is it?” I cough out, as a happy sob finally escapes me.
“This is what I’ve always wanted, someone to love me for me. My faults, my attributes. All the things that make me exactly who I was always meant to be. I… I just f-feel cheated. After all these years, I find the one for me at the end… when I can’t live the life I wanted with him.” She shakes her head and stands. The wooden chair scrapes against the floor, but she doesn’t notice, seemingly completely lost in her own head.
“Amanda, the way you feel. I don’t know… not for sure, but it sounds like a natural reaction to me.” The explanation spills out of me, but my head and heart don’t match with my reasoning. Everything still screams that this is unfair. My whole being wants to lay on the floor and scream like a toddler.
“It’s not that my understanding of the feelings I’m having are completely blurred. I’m sure they’re natural. It’s just, I feel selfish.” Losing the grip I had on my coffee, it drops to the table and I watch, in what seems like slow motion, as the handle breaks off and the remaining dregs of coffee that were swirling in the bottom of the cup ooze out onto the table.
“I’ll just—”
“No. Stop!” I cut Amanda off as she’s about to clean up the mess. Standing and making my way around the table, I step up to her until we’re face to face. Close enough for our eyes to bore into each other. “Tell me why? Right now, explain what you mean?” I whisper, as my stomach cramps from the uneasy pain slithering through me.
“I… it’s… o-oh, Bellie. I know okay? I know that I don’t have long left. I feel it in me. Every day I wake a little weaker, every day I’m a little more tired.” She stops and swallows, bringing her hand up between us, she clenches her fist biting down on it. I remain still and quiet, waiting for her to explain what she’s feeling, while trying not to let my legs buckle with the weakness I feel in them at every word she speaks. “Every day a little more of my fight goes, every day I’m a little more resigned to the fact that I’m going to die,” her voice breaks and I tremble with fear, anger and frustration as my eyes trace yet another of her tears escaping the pain. “I feel selfish because some people don’t have a warning. They can’t say goodbye, or write a bucket list. They don’t get to spend time with their loved ones… Bellie, they don’t get to
fall in love. Here I am complaining, whining that I’ve finally found the person I was always meant to be with. And now, I’m going to lose him. Worse, he’s going to lose me. He’s the one who has to live with that. He’s the one who has to carry on. He’s the one who has to survive. When I think of what this might do to him, it just about breaks whatever fight I have left. I love him Bellie and I know, down to my bones, that life is too short. I’ve been in pain for a while, he could be in pain for the rest of his life. I don’t want to destroy him.” My head throbs with a buzzing in my ears and I realize, right there is what all this anguish has been about. Watching her face crumble, I wonder what I can do, how I’m supposed to make it better for her. Then the weight crashes down on me when I realize there’s nothing that can make things better for her. All I can do is be with her, show her just how much I love her. How much I’ll always love her.
“Amanda, I promise… swear, I’ll look out for him. Danny and me will. Everything we can do, even if he tells us to get lost. We won’t. We’ll be there when he needs us. I swear, honey.” I grab her hands in mine and catch her eyes. “ Swear.” I show her the conviction in my eyes. She smiles and nods through the tears. “Remember what I said. Every. Single. Moment. Now go,” I say pointing upstairs. “He’ll be waiting in that shower.” Placing my palm on her cheek, my thumb rubs away the tears. “Give him everything you have baby. Give him it all,�
� I whisper. Her eyes light up as she bites her bottom lip, then turns walking to the stairs. Just at the last minute, she spins around and rushes to me, throwing her frail body into mine and wrapping her arms around my neck. I feel her nuzzle into my hair.
“Love you, Bellie,” she whispers and I close my eyes, drinking her in, her smell, her feel, her heartbeat.
“Love you, Moo.”
After Amanda goes upstairs, I spend my time staring vacantly into the backyard. I’m brought out of my trance when two warm, strong arms wrap around my waist. Danny’s chin rests on my shoulder. “You made her feel better, baby,” he whispers.
“I just told her the truth,” I reply.
“I know. We both know. It doesn’t matter what she does or doesn’t do, or say, Rubén won’t be leaving her. He’s all about Amanda. But you gave her the peace that she needed. You took a load off, and with everything else she deserves that.” Unable to reply I work my throat, holding in the emotion. “Proud of you, baby,” Danny finishes and the tears I kept in check while talking to Amanda fall. And I know they can, I know the man standing behind me, the one who came from the boy I loved. He’ll always look after me. He’ll always protect me. He’ll always make me feel loved, safe… wanted. That’s when I decide he needs to know, just how things lay for me.
“Danny,” I breathe out slowly and quietly. He squeezes me silently, letting me know he’s all here for me. “I know we haven’t… that my thoughts are filled with Amanda right now. But I need you to know, no matter what happens, I still love you. I never stopped, and more… I want us to be forever Danny. I never want to lose you.” Closing my eyes, I let all my secrets out.
“Best thing I’ve heard in forever, sweetheart,” he says softly into my ear. I melt back into him, knowing he’ll hold me, support me, love me. Forever.
“Seriously, you need to stop,” Amanda gasps, doubled over, clutching her stomach with laughter.
“You think?” I ask, looking between her and the oar in my hand.
“Yes! For the love of God, yes! We’re just going around and around,” she says wiping her eyes, the laughter forming as tears.
Shrugging my shoulders, I sit back smiling. Letting my hand hang over the side of the boat, my fingers dip in the water as I study Amanda through my sunglasses. It’s been three weeks of amazing fun. We’ve completed a lot of the bucket list Amanda made. Thinking about it causes instant pain, but knowing I’m helping her do all the things she wanted takes the edge off. She’s getting worse, though. Her frame is getting frailer and it’s harder getting her to eat now. The tiredness is seeping in quickly and her eyes dull slightly more every day. Her pop is coming tomorrow. She told him he needs to come. He wanted to let her have “one last hurrah!” That’s what she tells me. But I heard her on the phone yesterday, telling him she could feel her time closing in. It hurts, all of it. So again, I found myself in my room, staring at the stars with my little notebook.
No matter what time is shared between us, it will never be enough. She is, and always will be, my best friend. Her pain is crippling me, but I never show her anything other than strength. I wonder if I give her my strength, will it help her hold on, just a little while longer. I know my thoughts are selfish, but I’m not ready to say goodbye. I’ll never be ready. The problem is mine, when her body needs to rest, when she can’t fight anymore, I will let her go. It will be the single hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, but as long as she knows I’ll always love her, I’ll miss her every second, minute, hour. Every. Single. Moment. That I’ll never stop thinking of her…
“I can see you watching me from behind your glasses, Bellie.” She smirks at me.
“Okay lazy, have you had enough? Shall we call the guys to come rescue us?” I ask with a wink. Amanda nods. Glancing over to the guys, they’re sitting on the lakeside, clutching their beers and chatting. I noticed that all through their conversation they always had one eye on us. Danny looks up and catches me looking, he raises his beer in an ‘are you okay?’ salute.
Cupping my hands around my mouth, I shout, “Help us… we need strong men to rescue us.” He shakes his head with a smile and looks towards his feet. Moments later they’ve grabbed the motorboat and are headed our way.
“What seems to be the problem, ladies? Can we give you a jump?” Rubén asks looking at Amanda with a smirk and we all laugh.
“How did you end up with only one oar?” Danny asks and his lips twitch.
“Look, those things are heavy and hard to maneuver,” I say blowing a strand of hair off my face.
“Okay baby,” he coos at me with a smirk. So I flip him the bird, after which Danny and Rubén burst into laughter.
“Are you going to save us? Or do we need to find some new heroes?” Amanda butts into their mirth.
Rubén chokes on his laughter as Danny’s eyes narrow on me. “Wouldn’t happen babe, ‘cause then we’d have to give your new heroes a beat down.” Rubén winks and Amanda rolls her eyes.
I blow a kiss to Danny and he cocks his finger at me then points to the boat. “Well, I guess that’s my cue to get over there with my man,” I tell Amanda raising my eyebrows and she giggles. I stand, Rubén and Danny take a hand each and help me across. Danny tugs me down, twisting my body around until I land in his lap. Rubén gets up and steps over to the other boat, securing a rope between the two crafts, he nods at Danny, who starts the motor. We drag the boat I was just in, behind the one where I’m now nestled in Danny’s lap, back to the dock. He ties our motorboat up as I watch Rubén doing the same with the other one.
“Stand up,” Danny says and my eyes move back to him. I nod, standing and immediately he places both hands around my waist, lifting me onto the wooden dock like I’m as light as a feather. I watch mesmerized, my mouth hanging open, as he places his palms to the dock and jumps up like it’s nothing. I’m glued to his arms, the movement captures my attention, and now I can’t seem to tear myself away from the flexing muscle. “Baby, eyes,” he demands as his chest stops in front of me. I look up to him, but he doesn’t say anything, just leans down claiming my mouth. One of his hands slips into my hair at the back of my head, the other travels down until it’s firmly placed under my butt cheek. Then with a little jolt, he lifts me up. Automatically I cross my legs around his waist, moaning into his mouth, as I wrap my arms behind his neck and pull back slightly so I can nip his lip.
“Get a room, dude,” Rubén shouts behind us and I hear Amanda chuckle, but it’s drowned out when Danny groans down my throat, rubs my butt, and I feel his arousal pressing into my heat. Detaching my lips I pant, looking at Danny.
“Come on, we better get going, it’ll be dark soon,” he says, brushing my hair off my face lovingly. Easing my legs down, I look back to the lake. “What’s wrong?” he asks.
Sighing I try to explain. “It’s another thing done. Something else ticked off her bucket list. I’m worried when all the items are done, will she give up? I…” Breaking off, I rub my chest. “Sometimes… when I think of what’s coming, what’s going to happen and that we’re going to lose her, I can’t breathe. It feels like I have a Cadillac sitting on my chest.”
“Hey. It’s not going to be easy. Just remember, you’re giving her everything she wants before it’s too late. You’re being strong for her. She knows how much you love her. That’s all you can do. Make each moment count, baby,” he tells me.
Every. Single. Moment. The words float through my brain, giving me strength.
“Come on,” he says, grabbing me and once again picking me up, until I cross my legs around his waist. With my position set, my head on his shoulder, he carries me back to the car. “I’ll be your strength when you feel like giving up. Just keep holding on baby.”
“How is she?” I question Rubén as he walks out the back to join me.
“Asleep. They both are. I’m glad, she needs the rest,” he replies.
As he stands next to me, I reach across to the table and pass him the beer I had waiting. Running my ha
nd down my face, I sigh, feeling drained. Getting back from the lake a couple of hours ago, we were all on a high. It had been a great day, until tonight. Almost as soon as we got home Amanda had some kind of breathing attack, she was struggling and there was nothing we could do. I thought she was going to die. I called the doc and he came straight away. By the time he got here she had calmed. He checked her over, of course, but said she was okay now. That this wasn’t uncommon in the later stages… at the end of life. Fuck. Those words hit us all like a fucking train. Bel wouldn’t leave her side when they propped Amanda into a sitting position in her bed. Now it seems they’ve fallen asleep together.
“Hate to bring this up, but she doesn’t have a nurse at home. I thought you needed one. Unless she was going into a hospice?” I ask Rubén.
“I don’t know. Her pop is coming tomorrow. I’ll find out. I need to have a chat with him. There are a few things I want to get clear. Mr. Warren was always a decent guy. Hopefully, he’ll be happy to know I’m with her.”
“He will. After that dick, Pierre, I bet he’ll be over the fucking moon,” I can hear the growl in my own voice. Amanda isn’t mine, I care about her, of course. The four of us were close when we were younger, even with the extended group, we always gravitated toward each other. I’m hurting that she’s dying. It’s fucking ridiculous that in this day and age cancer still kills so many of us. She hasn’t even really lived yet. Still, the pain I feel is mainly for Bel. I’m sad for her, I hate seeing her hurting so much, but it’s more than that. I can’t help watching her sometimes and feeling sick in the pit of my stomach. If that were her dying from cancer, watching her go through this would just about kill me too. I kind of get where Pierre was coming from, it would be soul destroying to watch her die. But I’d never leave her. I’d be by her side for every appointment, every bad and good day, every time she was sick, every little bit of chemo. Fuck! I’d be there when each and every fucking hair dropped from her beautiful head. I don’t understand how that douche just walked away from her. Just left her when she needed him most. If you love someone, there isn’t a single thing you can do about it. You can’t just stop, turn away, and pretend they don’t exist. Not if you truly love them. I know that I love Bel. The reason I know is because she’s ingrained onto my soul. I tried to forget her, every day after I let her walk away. Every damn day. I never won that battle. There was no way I’d ever get her out from under my skin. My love for her would always exist, beyond the scope of life or death. When there was nothing else, there would still be her. It’s just the way it would always be.
Finally Unbroken Page 15
