“Sorry… what?” I manage to push out through the complete jumble that is now my brain.
“Oh… s-sorry, is this too hard for you to talk about? I was hoping I’d left it long enough,” she mumbles back nervously, looking everywhere but at me.
“Okay. Let’s just clear this up, Ashley. Otherwise, I can see us going ‘round the houses, and I for one, don’t have time for that.” She nods in response so I can carry on. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Who Bobby is or when I was ever capable of stopping Keith doing anything? I’m sorry, but you lost me after you asked if I was still with him.”
Her eyes widen as my words sink in. She takes in my face, and I allow her time to assess me. When she nods, it’s with an understanding that I’m not lying. “Can we… do you… have time to talk?” she asks.
I glance at my watch and reply, “Yeah, but let me grab this stuff. I don’t have long. Meet me at the coffee house across the street in ten, yeah?” I ask and once again she nods with a sadness in her eyes. She moves away, her shoulders sinking and I can feel the dread in my stomach. I know this isn’t going to be good. I’m just not sure how bad it’s going to be, and whether I’m ready for it.
Ten minutes later and after loading the bags into the car, I make my way to the coffee house. After ordering a coffee, I join Ashley.
“So, do you want to tell me everything?” I ask, smiling at the waitress as she places my coffee in front of me.
Ashley looks at me. “I have a son. You know this because everyone in the town knows this. I got pregnant at eighteen. A little while before you got married, I was sleeping with Keith.”
There it is.
Ashley doesn’t mess around as she stomps on my whole life.
One that wasn’t really real.
She pauses to take a sip of coffee and I can feel my heartbeat picking up. Blood whooshing in my ears. “I’m sorry. Back then, I thought you knew. There was a lot of talk. People said that you and Keith weren’t together, or that one or the other of you was going to call everything off. Some people said you were in love with Danny Quinn. I didn’t talk to you directly, so I only had one side of the story… Keith’s. We were sleeping together, but you have to know, I was in love with him. I still am,” she tells me softly, looking up tentatively from under her eyelashes.
Her words fill the air, and I think back to that time. I didn’t even know where our relationship stood, so it stands to reason that nobody else would. Still, we were very clearly not broken up as far as Keith and I were concerned, and so he was definitely cheating on me. The idea that Keith was cheating doesn’t bother me like it should. Although, I never really did anything with Danny… except that one kiss which I still felt guilty for all these years later. Just knowing I’ve always loved him, knowing I never gave my all to Keith. The cause of my racing heartbeat though, is the knowledge that has just clicked into place in my brain.
“Bobby’s his? Keith’s?” I push out.
She nods sadly. “I’m sorry, he said you knew. I never thought to question it. He always used you as an excuse not to see him. To miss all his birthdays and Christmases. I loved him, so I let it go. When you split he told me, and I stupidly welcomed him back with open arms. He seems different, changed somehow. I can’t quite work it out. Either way, I thought this was it for us, our time. Bobby is so happy. Of course, he knows all about Keith and has spent time with him, whenever Keith has graced Bobby with his presence. I want that for him,” she says the last sentence staring down at the table and I watch tears slipping out of her eyes.
I can’t lie and tell myself this isn’t painful. Not because he cheated on me, not because he lied. No, it’s because he has a child. Something at one point we wanted together, something I can’t have. Obviously, it must be me. That’s why he always blamed me because he already had a kid.
Now I know it will only ever be me.
There’s a crack in my heart for my own loss.
I can’t concentrate on that right now. It’s something else to lock away until another time.
“Ashley,” I whisper her name, taking her hand in mine across the table. “Thank you for telling me. I think you need to talk with Keith, I’m happy you’re happy and that Bobby can have his dad around more. I’m truly over Keith, and we’re going through a divorce. He’s all yours,” I say with a smile. I hold no malice for her though. With everything that has happened to me in the last while, I know life is too short to hold a grudge. “I have to go. Take care of yourself.” She nods in reply, a sad smile gracing her lips as I get up, leave money for the coffee and walk away.
When I reach my car I feel something strange in my stomach, it feels a lot like relief. I knew that Keith and I were done, but I still worried that his new easy-going persona would change, once the divorce was in full swing. As he has someone else in his life, I’m thinking his attention will be now taken up, with the family he should have had all along. Plus, as a bonus, he won’t be able to contest the divorce, on the grounds that if he does, I’ll bring to the attention of the court the fact that he’s had a secret family, and had one for all of our married life. Reaching into my bag to get the car keys, happy thoughts dancing through my mind, suddenly I’m knocked back, spun around and pinned against the car.
“Anabel,” Declan’s whiskey breath accosts my nose. I try to pull my face back.
“Declan, leave me alone. Seriously,” I snap.
“So, you’ve gotten a bite since you left him. I wouldn’t mind feeling that particular bite,” he tells me, leaning so far into my personal space that he’s almost kissing me. Something snaps in my mind and my heart. All the years I let this creepy, lowlife, predator, get away with anything he threw my way. So scared of the repercussions that standing against him would bring. Knowing my husband would take his side. Always feeling so alone. And that, somehow bled into my subconscious, making me think I was incapable of being who I wanted to be. Of having strength, like without Keith standing behind me, I was nothing. I know better now, I’m stronger, I have more important things to worry about than a drunken slob, who shouldn’t bother women out on their own. Seeing red and before I really know what I’m doing, I raise my knee quickly, forcefully, and connect with Declan’s balls. It’s the second time I’ve done it in as many months and his eyes widen in shock before he drops to the ground. His hands automatically move between his legs as he clutches his balls while lying on his side in the fetal position.
I bend down and smile at the pain contorting his face, then whisper, “You stay the fuck away from me. That’s a friendly warning. I will tell people how you’ve behaved over the last few years. I’ll make sure to visit the sheriff, to inform him about all your recent behavior. But more than that, Declan. We grew up together, you’ve grown into a complete douche. Yet, I still know where your momma lives. I’ve never wanted to upset her, tell her about the kind of boy she raised, but I will Declan, I will. And I know your momma, she’d be disgusted with you. Hand on heart, I won’t do that. You just need to clean up this drunken bum thing you have going on.” I don’t say anymore, ignoring the frightened look on his face, knowing that upsetting his mom is not something he wants. What with him being a momma’s boy. I get in the car and head for home. Back to the real fear, the fear that sits in my heart at the moment, right next to the love.
“Hey,” I whisper sitting down next to Amanda. When I got back, Mike said she was in the backyard, watching the sunset with Rubén. I gave her time. Rubén came inside five minutes ago, telling me she missed me. It’s dark now so I grabbed a blanket on my way out and have it placed around her shoulders.
“Thanks.” She smiles over to me.
“Watching the stars again,” I say. It’s not really a question.
“Yeah. I was thinking about being up there. It’s the only way I can face what’s coming. Knowing I’ll be in the sky looking down. Up there with my mom, and with your parents.”
I swallow and bite the inside of my mouth, trying to keep my emotion un
der control. “Okay, well, as you’ll be up there I need you to do me a favor,” I tell her and she turns to me, her eyes sparkle with fun. “Tell my mom and pop that I’m putting in a complaint. Every damn time I ask them a question, they never answer.” What I said was supposed to be funny, but it ends up being sad and I know it’s because I wish, just once, they could answer me.
“I bet they do,” she tells me interrupting my sad thoughts.
“Huh?”
“You probably have to look out for signs. You know that’s the way it works on television, right?” I raise my eyebrow skeptically. “Oh, ye of little faith,” she chides. “You probably haven’t been looking hard enough. Tell you what, you ask me something, or just need me, I’ll give you a sign. Now we just have to think of what.” She winks at me.
“Okay, how about a feather?” I say.
Amanda scrunches up her face. “Really? That’s the best you can do? Pfft!” she answers and I chuckle.
“Okay, what about you send me flowers?” I offer.
“What do you think I am… FedEx? She snorts and I chuckle again. “How about this…” she stops and grabs my hand. “If you talk to me and it’s important, if you ask a question and want to know I’ve heard you, I’ll try to make it rain. To let you know I’m still here,” she whispers and I pull her in for a hug.
“You’ll always be here. You’ll forever be in my heart, Moo. You know that.” She nods and I can feel her tears running down my cheek as I hold her tight.
A couple of hours later and Amanda is tucked into bed, sleeping like an angel, and I’m still out here staring at the stars. I don’t move or look away from the sky, as I feel a presence take the vacant seat next to me. Nothing changes, all seems still and calm, just like the night.
“You know, she’s scared. So scared,” Mike’s voice makes me jump slightly. It had been so quiet that I’d forgotten someone joined me.
I turn to look at him, immediately seeing the sadness and pain in his eyes. His age is now undeniable, his lines and wrinkles are obvious when I really take my time to roam over his face. I know he’s older, but it’s more than that. Cancer destroys more than one person’s life. Turning away, my answer comes out in a squeak, “I know.”
“It’s not right,” Mike continues and I look back to him but, this time, he’s the one staring at the sky. He doesn’t look at me, just stares at the stars. I can’t stop the sudden drop I feel in my stomach as goosebumps break out across my skin. “Children shouldn’t die first,” he chokes the words out and I watch, as someone who I always thought of as a big strong man, crumbles before me. He leans forward, crossing his arms over his knees. His shoulders shake with the big sobs that break out of him, splintering his strength right before my eyes. I move over to him and place my arm across his shoulder. I feel cold, hollow and I’m hanging on by my fingertips.
There’s nothing I can say to make this any easier for him. My chin trembles as renewed pain shoots through me. “I remember holding her when she was born,” he whispers bringing his head back up to look at me. He smiles through the tears that still run down his face. I blink, trying to hold back my tears. “She was so little. Her skin was all wrinkly and I wondered… wondered what I’d do with this delicate little thing that the doctor had handed me. Then she t-turned her h-head into my chest and closed her eyes.” He stops talking, looking away and taking a deep breath. The tears that were pooling in my own eyes spill over. I don’t have the energy to control them anymore.
“I never understood what unconditional love was Anabel… until that moment. People had explained it, I thought I had it with Katherine. I wasn’t even close, not until that very moment.” His breath hitches and my chest burns as my lungs tighten and I struggle to breathe. He pulls out tissues, wiping his nose, handing me one and trying to pull himself together. His voice is more controlled when he speaks again, “I’m not sure how I’m going to carry on. She’s my whole world, sweetheart. When I look into her eyes, I still see that little bundle laying in my arms. It’s my job to protect her. It’s always been my job, but I’m having to watch her waste away. I’m helpless, utterly useless. I had the honor of seeing her grow, watching her develop and now it should be her best time. I should be watching her fall in love, get married, and have children. She’s been cheated out of that, and instead of getting to watch these things happen to her, I’m having to watch my child die, slowly. She’s disappearing before my eyes. I’m losing my little girl…” He stops speaking, his control lost again, and I wipe my face with my sleeve having wet through my tissue. My breath hitches and catches as I try to pull myself together, try to be strong again, even though it feels like acid is swimming through my veins, dissolving me from the inside out.
“I have no words, Mike,” I whisper, feeling hopeless. I can’t even give him anything more than a hug.
“Didn’t s’pect you would darlin’. I know this is ripping you up inside, too. ‘Bout as close as any two sisters could ever be, you and Mandy. I know she’s scared of leaving you. She doesn’t want you to be alone. I want you to know that I’ll always be there for you. If you ever need family, sweetheart. I won’t be staying here. This house belongs to Mandy, I know what she’s gonna do with it and I’m fine with that. It’s nothing to do with me anymore, and I never intend to come back here. Simone will be arriving in a few days. I asked her to let me have time with Mandy first. Once she’s g-gone.” He shakes his head and takes a breath. “Once I can leave this place, I’ll be moving on. Not sure where yet. You’re always welcome to come and live with me. If you ever need me. Just wanted you to know that. Also, I wanted to say thank you. Amanda had been so low before she came back here, never seen her like it. That ass she was married to had a big hand in that. Since she’s come back here, it’s like my real baby girl has returned. She’s been happy, swear to you girl. Not heard her laugh so much, in so long, as I have over the phone these last few weeks. That’s your doing.” He smiles at me and grabs my hand giving it a squeeze.
“Rubén and Danny, too,” I wheeze out through the still bubbling emotion.
“Yep. S’pect they both had a hand in it, too. But when I’ve talked to my girl, she’s all about you. Bellie took me here, Bellie made me laugh about this. Pop you should have seen Bellie over at the indoor ice skating rink, she couldn’t stand up, grabbed onto some poor boy’s coat and dragged him down with her. The poor boy could’ve only been fourteen and was trying to hold onto the side for dear life,” he says mimicking her voice and I laugh through my tears. “Mandy had to say it three times before she could finally get it out through her laughter. You did that, darlin’. You gave my girl happiness right here at the end when she desperately needs it. I’ll never forget that. I’ll always love you because of it. Proud of you. Know your mom and pop would be too, sweetheart.” His words are the end of me. This time, it’s me who leans forward, on my knees, my chest painful as I can’t breathe through the sobs. Mike says something and walks off, the next thing I know, I’m being lifted into strong arms. I turn my head into Danny’s chest as we walk through the house. My tears haven’t dried up, but thankfully my body isn’t heaving anymore. We get to my bed and Danny places me under the covers, pulling off my shoes, socks and sweatshirt, leaving me in my yoga pants and a wife-beater. Then stripping his clothes off he slides in next to me, pulling me onto his chest. He strokes my hair silently for a few minutes as my eyes droop.
“I’m broken,” I whisper to him.
“Shhh baby, I’ll fix you.” His reply is the last thing I hear before I fall to sleep.
Holding Bel in my arms last night as she broke was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to watch. I love this woman with everything I have, and there was nothing I could do except hold her. The dawn is breaking and I watch her sleeping still in my arms. Bel has a connection to the stars, I’ve always known that. But being away when she lost her parents, meant I didn’t realize how much stronger her fascination with the stars had become. I listened to her and Amanda talking last
night after she grabbed a blanket and walked outside. I watched her through the kitchen window, but when she got to the chair, she covered Amanda with it. It warmed me inside, my beautiful, selfless girl. Still, I wanted her to be warm too. So I found another blanket and went out to give it to her. As I got closer, I heard Amanda telling Bel that her way of dealing with dying was imagining she’s going to be up in the sky and that she was going to be one of the stars. It made my heart hurt when Bel said she talked to her mom and pop, but felt like they never responded to her when she needed them. I wanted to give Bel and Amanda something. There’s nothing I can do to make life better, but I want to give them something to hold on to. Something that is more of a statement, a thing to believe in, a sign of hope in the darkness, not necessarily something tangible.
“Morning.” Bel’s voice is raspy with sleep and I smile down at her.
“Morning beautiful,” I whisper back and lean down kissing her mouth. She quickly pulls back into the pillow. I stare down at her, confused.
“Morning breath,” she tells me, holding her hand over her mouth. I smile down at her then move her hand, lean down and take her mouth again. This time biting her lip, so she opens up for me allowing my tongue to slip in. She moans into my mouth which I take as a sign of encouragement. I push my hands up under her top and pull up the bra I didn’t remove last night. I’m just about to put my mouth over her when there’s noise from downstairs followed by Rubén shouting.
“Anabel! Call… nine one one, NOW!” his roar makes me jump off the bed and throw my cell at Bel.
“Call quick, baby. I’ll go see what’s happening,” I tell Bel while pulling on my sweatpants. She nods biting her lip as a frown passes over her face. I want to kiss the worry away, but right now, we have to focus our attention on other things. As I move out of the room, I can already hear Bel talking to the operator. Making my way down the stairs two at a time and jumping from about six steps up to the floor, I run through to Amanda’s room. Once there I can see what Rubén is worried about. Amanda is doubled over in obvious pain. She’s clutching her chest, struggling to breathe and is so pale. Her eyes are closing like she’s losing consciousness.
Finally Unbroken Page 17
