Finally Unbroken

by Maria Macdonald

  “Fuck this, I need to get her to the ER now!” Rubén shouts. “Give me the keys to that piece of shit car,” he demands but I shake my head.

  “Listen, the ambulance is about two minutes out, you won’t get to the hospital quicker than an EMT will get to her if we just wait.”

  He runs his palm down his face. “Fuck!” he shouts again as Bel comes around the corner.

  “Oh God!” she says, panic threaded through her words. “Amanda,” she says rushing forward and getting on the bed. She grabs hold of Amanda, bringing her into her chest. “Just hold on baby girl, hold on Moo. The ambulance is coming, they’ll take the pain away. Come on, baby.”

  I look back to Rubén and his face gives everything away. All the pain he’s been holding in, the torment he’s currently feeling, having to watch the woman he loves fade away and more, suffer pain like she is right now. The tell-tale sirens indicating the ambulance can suddenly be heard, so I move to the front of the house opening the door for them.

  When they get here, everything moves so quickly. Before I really know what’s happening Amanda has been rushed off and Bel has gone with her. I walk back into the bedroom to find Rubén still standing in the same place. Unmoving and staring at the bed which is now empty. I walk over to him and place my hand on his shoulder. He jerks at the movement. “Come on man. This isn’t going to help her. We should get to the hospital, and we need to call Mike. You have his number, right?” He nods and swallows before pulling his cell out of his back pocket and dialing as we move through the house. I snatch up the house keys which always hang on the wall next to the front door, before stepping outside and locking up. Rubén stands at the car waiting for me and saying goodbye to Mike on the phone. I can’t help but look at the sky, thinking if there were ever a time to answer a call of despair then this would be it. I hope like hell that this isn’t the end. Not yet. It’s too soon.

  I pace back and forth as the doctor is in with Amanda, her pop by her side.

  “Bel, come sit with me, baby.” I sigh and look at Danny. He sits next to a scared, sick looking Rubén, who right now seems like a little boy. I move to Danny and he pulls me onto his lap, burying his head in my chest he places a hand on each shoulder and pulls me into him like he’s trying to mold himself to me. We sit, unmoving, not talking, hardly breathing, for what feels like forever. When Mike appears in front of our seats, it takes all three of us a few extended moments to grasp that he’s there.

  “Is she…” my voice cracks and breaks off.

  Mike nods. “She’s okay, sweetheart.” His words cause my chest to deflate and I feel the blood filter back into my fingers, from where I was cutting off the circulation with my grip. “Can I see her?”

  “Yeah, darlin’, but she wants to talk to Rubén first.” His words cause a spike of pain until I mentally slap myself and think about how I’d feel if it were me. Who would I want to see first, and I’m honestly not sure at this point, but I have a feeling if I were faced with the possibility of dying, then Danny would be my first thought. Rubén stands and Mike looks at him. “She’s fragile, son.”

  Rubén nods. “I assumed she would be.”

  “No, not just physically. She had a turn, she needed pain relief and she didn’t have any,” Mike replies.

  “Why not?” Rubén asks.

  “Well, that’s why she’s fragile. The meds she needs at this late stage can only be administered at the hospice or by a registered nurse at home,” Mike sighs.

  “I don’t get what the issue is? What am I missing?” Rubén snaps, his patience obviously thinning.

  “Look, son, I’m a proud man, but I’m a father first. My pride can take a hike when it comes to my girl, so I’m gonna be honest. She should be in a hospice now. They can give her the drugs she needs as and when she requires them. She doesn’t want to go to a hospice. She’s being stubborn, but I can’t say I don’t get why. You know you’ve got a few weeks to live, you want to live them how you want.” He stops and shakes his head. Rubén goes to open his mouth, clearly sick of waiting to get to Amanda. Mike speaks before Rubén can say anything, “Money son. Money is the problem. I’m able to cover a hospice, but Mandy doesn’t want to go into a hospice she wants to stay at home. We’ve lived in France for so long, I don’t have medical insurance to cover her anymore. I do have money saved though, enough to cover her treatment at a hospice. What I don’t have is enough to cover her care and pay for a nurse twenty-four-seven, so she can stay at home.” Mike hangs his head, admitting that he can’t take care of his daughter is obviously hard. Showing that his daughter comes first is all I saw from what he said.

  Rubén turns to Danny. “Do me a favor?” Danny nods in reply. “Call Stanford. Tell him I need money transferred to Mike… whatever amount is needed.” He then turns to Mike. “Can you set up whatever she requires then?” Mike swallows and pulls a hand down his face nodding. “Great. Now please tell me where my girl is?” Rubén demands.

  “Along the corridor. Room 73,” Mike says, emotion in his voice. I watch Rubén stride in that direction as Danny pulls his phone out to make a call. I slide off his lap and go sit next to Mike.

  “I know how hard that was for you. It would’ve been hard for my pop.” He doesn’t say anything. “To me, what you just did, shows just how much you love Amanda. That makes you the best kind of person there is in my book,” I tell him, placing my hand on top of his. Mike turns his hand around and closes it around mine, giving me a squeeze. “So, she had pain and needed drugs which we didn’t have? That was why she was so sick?” I whisper.

  “Anabel. She’s dying, you know that. In a nutshell, you’re right. But the truth is, the chances of her completing anything else on her bucket list is small, darlin’. The doctor thinks she might not last the week.” His words hit me and I feel like they’ve come from nowhere. I thought this was a hiccup. A bump in the road. I figured we had another month, at least. I struggle to breathe, gasping and clutching my chest.

  “Breathe, baby.” Suddenly Danny is next to me and pushes me forward so my head is between my knees. He rubs circles on my back as I concentrate on taking air in, then out, in, then out. I feel the panic receding as I let his warm hand calm me.

  “I want to go, I can’t wait anymore,” I tell Danny and he nods.

  We get to Amanda’s room and push the door ajar. Rubén sits next to her bed, his head laying on the mattress as he holds her hand in his.

  “Rubén?” his name comes out as a question.

  “When I got here she was asleep. So I just held her hand. She looks so peaceful.” I nod, walk over and kiss her head. Moving to the end of the bed I back up nearer to the door, trying to give Amanda and Rubén space, while not actually leaving.

  “I’m going to go and see Mike, baby,” Danny whispers in my ear and I nod. “I’ll be back.”

  I don’t take my eyes from Amanda. She looks peaceful, calm, and I let a stray tear slip down my cheek while no one can see.

  About an hour later, a nurse came in and tried to get us to leave. We ignored her, there was no way she was waking up alone and scared. Amanda starts stirring. It takes a few minutes for her to wake up completely and take in her surroundings. Her eyes widen as she glances to her left, straight into a mirror which sits above a lowered basin, obviously set up for wheelchairs. She turns back to Rubén and her eyes water. Now she’s awake she looks different—sick.

  “Don’t look at me!” Amanda’s words are raw, pained and raspy as she tries to shout at Rubén. The bed swamps her now. She’s tiny and frail, her eyes are sunken, but the fear is there on the surface for all to see.

  “Just looking at my girl,” Rubén whispers back and I hear his voice hitch, which makes me swallow down emotion. My back warms as Danny steps into me and wraps me in his arms, offering me his strength.

  “You can’t want me. Look at me, I’m hideous.” The unrestrained terror in Amanda’s voice causes a violent reaction in me as my stomach lurches and brings tears to my eyes as I battle to k
eep myself still.

  “That’s just not possible,” he says sitting on the bed beside her. He tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear and rubs his thumb over her hollowed cheek. “I wouldn’t want to marry you if I didn’t see your beauty inside and out,” he whispers. Amanda’s face is a picture of shock and disbelief. The internal struggle she’s been fighting with her emotions breaks and the tears overflow. For once, those salty drops of water, have been born from happiness.

  “You knew?” I softly ask Danny, not tearing my eyes from Amanda and Rubén.

  “Yeah,” he replies on a squeeze.

  “He’s making her so happy,” I tell him something he already knows.

  “She says yes, he’ll be the one feeling like his dreams came true.” Danny’s words warm me. To know Rubén feels, about my best friend, exactly like I thought he did. I look up at Danny and he tilts his head down, grazing my lips with his. He pulls away slightly, but I can still feel his hot breath against my mouth when he whispers, “Know what it’s like to want something so bad. When you finally get it, nothing will ever compare. Nothing.”

  “Come on, Bellie, hurry up. I’m ready to go!” Amanda complains as I sit by her bed. She’s sick of the hospital, even after only twenty-four hours and is more than ready to leave.

  “The doctor should be around to discharge you soon, Moo. Stop complaining,” I tell her wagging my finger.

  “Where’s Rubén? I thought he’d be here to take me home.” Her voice is quiet, forlorn.

  “Sorting out wedding stuff.” Her eyes alight at my words.

  “Oh,” she answers with a grin. It’s the first smile I’ve seen on her face this morning. “Tell me what he’s doing,” she pleads.

  “No,” I answer simply. Amanda frowns at me then pouts. I can’t help the giggle that bubbles up. “You wanted to have it on Saturday, so that’s when it is, leave the rest up to Rubén,” I say teasing her.

  “I wanted Saturday because it’s Momma’s birthday,” she whispers and I lift out of the chair moving myself to sit beside her on the hospital bed.

  Stroking her face, I smile. “I know, Moo, and you know your momma she’d be so proud of you honey. So proud of how brave you are,” I tell her, my chest swelling with my own pride in her.

  “I don’t feel brave, Bellie. I’m so scared. I’ll be l-lucky if I live another week. I know it, even if p-people aren’t saying it to me. My breathing is going downhill fast and I c-can’t eat… I just can’t face it. I want to live, but I’m letting myself die.” She stops and closes her eyes, just trying to catch her breath and I grin through the pain that’s like a red hot poker in my heart. “What the hell is wrong with my body? I’ve lost my f-fight Anabel… I don’t have the energy to battle on anymore. I can feel my will slipping away.” She scowls and thumps her closed fist on her thigh, although it’s weak that’s how I know she’s still fighting.

  “I think you are brave, but remember, when you aren’t feeling it then tell me, I’ll give you my strength. I’ll be strong enough for you.” I smile down at her, biting back the fresh swirl of emotions, as the door behind me opens and the doctor greets us with a good morning.

  Taking a step back, I allow him to look her over. At one point he tries to talk to me about Amanda. I’m not sure that I’m in his good graces when I point out that she might be ill, but her hearing, speech, and brain function is still all in good working order. So maybe he should try talking to her about the illness rather than me. This results in him turning his nose up and ignoring me for the rest of the appointment. Only at the end, when he’s about to walk out does he talk to me.

  “These are for you. Well for a family member, but as none of them are around—”

  I cut him off. “I am her family.” His eyes slide back to Amanda, then to me, before he walks away. I shove the paperwork in my pocket and a nurse comes in to help me put Amanda into a wheelchair. I rush down to bring the car around before someone else appears in the entrance with Amanda sitting waiting for me. Her foot tapping, like an impatient child. “Come on then happy,” I say with a smirk and she smiles back.

  When we’re about five miles down the freeway and the car is on cruise, Amanda grabs my hand. I glance over at her but she’s like a statue, facing forward. “T-Thank you, Bellie. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I l-love you. Always have. Always will. You’re the s-sister I was gifted with. The person who knows me more than anyone in t-the world. I’ve been blessed to have h-had you as a part of my life and I’m so sorry…” She stops talking and once again I glance over to her. She’s still facing forward, but now a trail of tears run down her face. She ignores them, like they don’t matter because they don’t. Not anymore. They’re just a release now. “I’m sorry I’m going to leave you,” Amanda says, and the pressure on my chest suddenly gets heavier. She’s silent and I allow my own tears to fall, I can’t stop them. I rub my thumb across the back of her hand. That’s all I have to give her, so I don’t want to let her down.

  I realize that it’s time for me to whisper the words that I don’t want to say, the words I know she needs to hear. The words that will break the last thread holding me together. I have to say them. For her. “Listen Moo, I know you’re fighting. I love that you’re brave and you’re trying to hang on, I know you’re doing that for your pop, for Danny, Rubén… for me. I need you to know, it’s okay. If you feel like you can’t fight anymore. If your body is too tired, too worn, if you are desperate to let go then don’t worry about us we’ll be fine. Just remember one thing,” I tell her, but I have no idea how I’m managing to push the words out as my heart is shattering, piercing my insides with their sharp edges.

  “What?” she says on a wobble.

  “Bring the rain, Moo…. just remember to bring the rain,” I tell her and she squeezes my hand tighter.

  “You look to the stars, talk to me. I’ll bring the rain,” she tells me.

  The rest of the journey we sit in silence. Still holding hands.

  “Bel,” Danny calls my name, catching my hand in his. I look away from the stars and into his eyes. “I did something for you. Well, for you and Amanda. It’s something small. It’s meant to be a symbol of hope.”

  “What is it?” I ask, curious as to what this beautiful, kind hearted, strong man has done for Amanda and for me.

  “Come with me,” he says, turning and dragging me through the house. We pass Mike in the living room, looking sad with a glass of whiskey in his hand. Then Danny drags me into Amanda’s room. Rubén is standing in the corner next to the window with a telescope behind his back.

  “What’s going on?” I ask glancing around at everyone.

  “I have no idea, Rubén won’t tell me anything!” Amanda complains sitting up in bed and I laugh in reply. Since we came home from the hospital yesterday, she’s been trying to find out all the information about the wedding. Nobody is giving her any details. But I will… tomorrow. Rubén agreed that she should know what’s happening, just in case there was anything she wanted to change before the day, so she’d still have time. Tomorrow is Friday, so when I tell her in the morning, we will have the rest of that day to change things before her wedding at noon on Saturday.

  Rubén chuckles. “This,” he says moving to one side and pointing to the telescope. “You’re going to find out about now. It was Danny’s idea, so we set it up for the both of you.” I raise my eyebrows at Amanda, and she shakes her head back at me with a shrug of her shoulders.

  Danny tugs on my hand, placing me on Amanda’s bed, close to her. I wrap my arms around her skinny body and Danny looks between the two of us. “You always loved the stars,” he starts and I catch my breath. “I heard you the other day talking about what the stars mean to you both. Amanda turns her face into my chest and I rub her back. “Amanda…” Danny speaks softly and she looks back to him, “…I had a star named after you.” My heart stops at his words and hot tears hit my cheeks. Amanda’s breath hitches, but it starts her coughing. Her breathing is labored
and we have to call the in-house nurse, the one that has been set up to come help her. She places breathing equipment over Amanda’s face and my chest compresses. Watching my best friend, who’s the same age as me struggling to breathe, one of the most basic of human functions, is hard, devastating. Forty minutes later we manage to continue with our earlier conversation.

  Amanda wheezes, telling Danny to carry on. Even though I can see the concern and reluctance to continue in his eyes, I nod, telling him to continue. It’s what she wants. Regular. Normal… as normal as is possible.

  “There is a star out there called Amanda Katherine Warren. So you see, there’s already a home for you. You’re already a star.” Amanda smiles through the tears, and I look at this man that I love with butterflies in my belly, knowing I love him more. Just for giving her, us, that extra special connection. “When Bel needs to talk to you, she can speak to the stars, knowing you’ll be there listening. When she needs to see you, she can look through this telescope and stare at you brightening up the sky for her.” His words are sentimental and loving. It takes everything in me not to shatter, my bones feel weak and both sadness and gratitude sweep over me.

  “Thank you, Danny. Thank you for g-giving us this connection,” she whispers, unable to talk any louder. Holding out her hand for him, he immediately moves to her. Once there, she grabs his fingers weakly. Seeing her struggle he turns his hand clutching her fingers instead, and holds on waiting for Amanda to tell him what it is she needs to say. “Please l-look after her, I need to know she’s not alone. I need to know… you h-have her,” she tells him, biting her bottom lip. I cough out my pain, before it chokes me.