Inky

by J. B. Hartnett

  “Oh no, I sold it but the reason he can’t pick it up is because Mrs. Emerson saw it first and insisted it be displayed at the Gillies Exhibition. You and I have a date a week from Saturday. You better use some of your new found money, buy a dress and get dolled up so we can schmooze with the upper crust and try to get into the society pages. It’s black tie.”

  Whoa

  “Abe, I kind of want to kiss you right now, tongue and all.”

  “Ah, well, I’m flattered but you know that’s not how I roll.”

  “I’m kidding, Abe!” I laughed but then started to let the enormity of this sink in.

  “Abe?”

  “Yes, Inky?” He was gathering his briefcase and putting papers inside to leave.

  “Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for showing my piece. Even if nothing ever comes of it…to see it hung in a gallery like that, well, I don’t have the words, just…thank you.”

  “You’re talented, Inky. That painting is beautiful and sad and soul- wrenching all at the same time. It appears like a simple landscape at first but the more you look, the more you see, the more it…”

  “Hurts?”

  “Yes, I suppose so. But the difference between this and your other work, this one is hopeful. I guess being engaged has affected your art. I’ve been asked by Mrs. Emerson to answer questions about it. You won’t need to talk to anyone. I explained that crowds aren’t really your thing.”

  “Thank Christ.” The irony. This painting was inspired by the song Cole sang to me in the bar to bring me out of a panic attack and had absolutely nothing to do with Evan. Now my creation was going to be on display and so was I. It was one thing to sign my name in a little corner. It was quite another to be out there myself, vulnerable to comments and criticisms.

  “Well, I have a date missy. I have to go. I’m glad you’re okay, Inky. And I’m glad you’re not pissed.”

  “No, I’m the opposite of that emotion.”

  ***

  Aimes put the keys in the ignition and I buckled myself in. Then she took the keys out. “Get out.”

  “What?”

  “We’re gonna have a drink at the beautiful wine bar we always say we want to go to but can’t afford. You’re buying me a really nice expensive glass of wine. And then? You’re gonna tell whatever it was that you didn’t tell me on the way here because I know that little window to your soul on display in there has something to do with it.”

  She knew me so well.

  When we were seated at the bar, our large glasses of expensive wine in hand, I began by telling her about the panic that set in when Gus asked about my singing. I told her all about the sad man who came in, how he knew how meteor showers were named, how he left me an enormous tip and his card which I still hadn’t looked at.

  “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why haven’t you looked at it?”

  “Lisa already told me his name.”

  “Inky?” Her eyes were trying to drill inside my skull to dig the answers out.

  “Because there was something there, Aimes. There was a connection between us. I knew he would understand me…I didn’t have to explain anything, he just knew. It…it just…”

  “What? I’m dying over here, what?”

  “When I realized I couldn’t get away from Joe, I pictured him. I pictured Cole in front of me just like he was that day in the bar like I was looking right into his eyes. Then the song he sang to me came into my head and I just focused on that. I wasn’t even scared. But that day, the day he calmed me down, he told me he used to get them as a kid and I asked him what brought them on. He told me, ‘My dad. You?’ And I told him, ‘my mom.’ Then we toasted our long necks and took a swig. We didn’t need to say anything else. And he was hot, Aimes, like smoldering. His eyes were like…they were hazel but they were all the colors of fall. His hair was dark brown, not long but not short, the kind that would fall into his eyes if he didn’t have it slicked back. The problem is…I haven’t stopped thinking about him. Well, that’s not true…I don’t allow myself to think about him.”

  I swallowed down a huge gulp of wine.

  “This may be a stupid question but why?” This was a question I actually knew the answer to but once I said it aloud, it made it real; I was admitting it to myself.

  “I love Evan.”

  “I know you do but that’s not really the issue, is it?”

  “The last week, he’s been wonderful. He’s held me, he’s comforted me, he’s been perfect. But even today when you and Gus were trying to make me tell him about everything, you were right; why haven’t I told him? I’m going to but if he’s my Mr. Forever, why didn’t I say anything? He wouldn’t have judged me or felt differently toward me at all. I convinced myself he would but even with all of this shit, he’s handled everything really well.”

  “Yeah, he handles crazy really well.” She stated this bluntly. She didn’t mean it as an insult but coming from anyone else, I would have taken it as one.

  “Aimes!”

  “Dude, you’ll be the first to admit those attacks you used to get every now and then can get pretty…”

  “Crazy?” I answered smiling.

  “Well, if the strait jacket fits.” She chuckled into her wine glass.

  “I get it. I know. He does handle it well. But something made me hold back and I need to figure it out. I don’t want to hurt him, you know?”

  “Maybe you’re not the problem.” She took a big final swig of her wine and looked out the window.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, I don’t know. It’s just, I have a funny feeling. He’s been acting weird but not because of the attack. Before that. Maybe he senses something’s going on with you. Or maybe he’s planning a surprise engagement party for you or something.”

  “Hmm, maybe. No, he knows I would hate that. But everything has been going great with us. Like, awesome 80’s movie great.”

  “Well, you should totally sing again.” She announced, changing the subject. “That’s the Friday after your big show and that should get you ready to face an audience of adoring fans. And I’ll help you shop for the exhibition. I love that shit.”

  “Abe is a sneaky bastard. But he’s also incredibly awesome. I didn’t think to ask if I can take someone. Black tie! I can’t wait to see Evan in a tux. He’s gonna look great.”

  Aimes didn’t say anything. I thought she seemed tense even after a giant glass of Merlot and I realized I hadn’t asked her about her new relationship at all. Maybe I was being an asshole.

  “I’m sorry, Aimes, I’ve been so wrapped up in myself that I didn’t think to ask about you and Gus?” She smiled.

  “That good?” I laughed.

  “Don’t apologize. You’ve had a lot of shit going on and yeah, that good. Come on, we better go. I forgot he’s cooking for us. I’ll fill you in on the way.”

  ***

  When we got into the car, Aimes stopped for a moment and looked at me.

  “Ah, Jesus, Aimes what is it? Just spit it out!” I was joking but the look on her face said she was totally serious.

  “I never thought this would happen again, I mean, since you haven’t lived with your mom. It just caught me off guard. I was scared. I think I was more scared than I was when we were kids, Ink.”

  As best as I could, I leaned over the center console and hugged her tight, “That’s the last time you’re ever going to have to do that for me, okay? I wasn’t expecting it either. Hell, no one should expect something like that but I know I’m strong. Something changed in me that night. It took me a week to think it out, but now that I have…well, it won’t happen again. Thank you for being there, Aimes.”

  “Always.”

  Chapter 9

  The next week went quickly. Evan was so excited for me, finally getting exposure for my work. He went to our favorite Mexican dive and brought home just about everything on the menu. He told us all about his recording session and how the popular sin
ger was, in fact, a little bit tone deaf. I loved when he got inside information like that. We laughed at his stories and when we went to bed on Thursday night, I decided it was time to come clean.

  “So, she psychologically tortured you?” He asked.

  “Among other things, yeah.”

  “And your leaves are different colors, depending on if what she did was bad or really fucking bad.”

  “That about sums it up, yes.”

  “And you told a teacher and they did nothing?”

  Something was strange about his voice, almost like he didn’t believe me.

  “My mom was a teacher and everyone loved her. No one believed me. They thought I was making it up. She claimed my injuries were self-inflicted and that I was acting out because my dad had left us. She knew the system and she knew how to work it. When I was really young, she was more Mommy Dearest than anything else but when I was nine, she started to date Joe. He was a bad man, Evan. I was a kid but I watched them do lines of coke off each other and get high, but when she drank, that was the worst. She managed to hide it, though. She went to work every day, like everything was normal.”

  “So, you weren’t really homeless then.” It was a statement, not a question. I’d told him that, in my past, I didn’t always have a place to sleep at night.

  “Technically, no. But it was better than staying home. Joe was there almost every night, Evan.” I had to stop for a moment and decide how I was going to tell him the rest. “I didn’t always get away from him. At first my mom pretended like it wasn’t happening. I told her but she claimed it was just more of my lies. As I got older and started to develop, she said it was my fault, that I was trying to seduce him. That’s when she got more physical with me. I tried to get involved with as many school activities as I could so I joined Community Children’s Choir. I had to audition for it and I needed my mother’s permission so I forged her signature. Someone she knew told her they’d heard me do a solo and I was quite good. After that, she forced me to sing and then…it always changed, but she found a way to make me fear it.”

  He sat, not even looking at me and stared out the window of my bedroom. I think he was absorbing it all. Even though it was old news for me I knew it was a lot to take in. After what felt like hours, he finally put his arms around me. When he pulled away I saw his eyes were hard; he was pissed, “Where are they now, Ink?”

  “Honestly, Evan, I don’t know. She doesn’t live in that condo anymore. She had an accidentally-on-purpose fall at work and claimed disability as well as a hefty pay-out from the school. The janitor had mopped and apparently didn’t put the wet-floor sign out, so she was then able to become a full-time alcoholic. I know for a fact she had Joe rough her up so it would be more plausible.

  When I was 16, I got emancipated. I had a waitressing job five days a week and I was still getting straight A’s in school. I typed up a declaration for my mother to sign and she did. She didn’t even look at it. The only problem was that people don’t really want to rent a room to a sixteen year old. That was why I stayed with Aimes so much. As far as Joe is concerned, I never knew much about him. He was smart. He never left anything around to identify himself and he never spoke about his life. When he was there, he was either all over my mother or all over me, but no wallet and no car that I ever saw.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me all of this before, Ink? Why did you hide it?” I knew he was hurt; that much was clear. “Didn’t you trust me?”

  “Of course I trust you, Evan. I just didn’t want you to feel sorry for me. You know, your parents are great. Your childhood was so normal. I thought it was enough to say mine wasn’t and leave it at that. I thought if I just told you my mom was an alcoholic that would be enough. I didn’t think the details were important but honestly, I’m tired. I’m tired of reliving this over and over again.”

  “So if that guy, Joe, hadn’t attacked you…would you have ever told me?” I had to stop and think about it. Would I?

  “I don’t know.” I said softly.

  I was glad I told him and surprisingly, I felt such a tremendous relief. I didn’t have any secrets from him, well, no big ones, anyway.

  “Ink, I’m glad you told me. I wish you felt like you could’ve told me sooner. It might have changed my mind about things.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means, I don’t know, I just think you should have told me.”

  “Well, I’m telling you now. And ya know what? I can count on two hands all the people I’ve told. That should tell you something right there.” I was starting to get upset. He was acting like I betrayed him. I got up off the bed and walked to my closet.

  “What are you doing?” he asked.

  “I’m done with this conversation. Aimes wanted me to tell you. I told you. You think that was easy for me, Evan? I’ve been avoiding having this conversation with everyone for years, not just you. And yeah, if that guy hadn’t attacked me, I probably wouldn’t have said anything. Not because I don’t love you or trust you or anything like that. It’s because that’s my past and I was happy for it to stay there. Get it? So tonight, I’m going to the bar and I’m gonna have a couple of nice strong drinks, or ten. I’m going to listen to music, and dance and show those people I’m not afraid of my own fucking shadow and next week I’m gonna go to that exhibit and stand proudly by my work and the week after that I’m gonna sing in front of the entire bar, and you know why? No, you don’t know why…because my past and all the shit that happened to me won’t control me anymore!”

  I stormed out of my room and slammed the door behind me. I was met in the hall by Aimes.

  “Dude, Ink, what the hell is going on in there?”

  “I’ll see you at Rusty’s.” I turned from her and stormed down the hallway.

  “Wait. I’ll take you... just wait five minutes. Don’t walk there…”

  “Don’t treat me like a fucking child!” I yelled.

  “Ink!” She screamed at me, “Give me five minutes. I’ll walk with you and I’ll tell Gus to bring my car later. Just wait.”

  In what was more like two minutes, she was at my side. I walked quickly, so pissed off I couldn’t stand it.

  “Ink, we’re a block away from the house; tell me what the fuck is going on?” I was livid. And what the hell did he mean it might have changed my mind about things?

  “I told him, okay? I told him and he acted like I, I don’t know, like it was my fault or something, like he was some sort of victim in all this. How can he change from being the best, most caring and understanding guy ever to…I don’t even know what just happened in there.”

  “Did he say anything? Did he have any reaction at all?” she asked.

  “No, he just kind of sat there. He asked a couple of questions, wanted to know where my mom was now.”

  “And you’re pissed?”

  “Well, he just, I don’t know how to explain it, okay? He just didn’t react…” I said on an exasperated breath.

  “Like everyone else?” She cut me off.

  “Well, now that you mention it, yeah.” She rolled her eyes at me, “I saw that.”

  “I meant for you to see it, Ink. Jesus, will you listen to yourself? He did exactly what you wanted him to do. You didn’t want him to give you the whole sad pity thing and he didn’t. He listened to your story and he asked a couple of questions, right?”

  “Ah, FUCK!” I yelled. In the middle of the street, I screamed profanities like pure white trash.

  “Hold on a minute, okay? Calm down. Just listen to me for a minute.” I finally stopped and looked at her. “Ink, Evan has been weird for a while. I told you that. This whole engagement has been really fast. Then all of a sudden you’re attacked by some guy, all because he didn’t come back to get you at three in the morning and then he finds out about your past…”

  “He wanted to know!” I yelled, “You made me tell him!”

  “I didn’t make you do anything,” she said calmly. “But I’m glad you did. If he
can’t handle it, how’s he gonna handle marriage, Ink? I’m your best friend, okay? And you’ve been in a relationship with Evan for about a minute. You have history together and he’s great but take your time.” That got my attention.

  “Did I ever tell you about the time my Mom had an affair?”

  “Get. Out. Of. Town!” Aimes’ parents were the most loving wonderful couple I’d ever seen.

  “Well, my Dad had a girlfriend in college before my mom. One day she called, my mom answered and the ex told my mom they were having a kid. The woman lied; she’d already had the kid after they graduated. Dad broke up with her and moved to California for work and she never told him about the baby. Then out of the blue, she called and told my mom this lie, wanting to get revenge or some shit. Apparently she gave my mom details of their affair that made it very convincing. The worst part was that my mom and dad had been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years. So my mom went out, broken-hearted, thinking this woman gave him what she couldn’t. She left my dad a note saying she was leaving him and she knew he’d knocked up his mistress…it was a mess. Then she went to my grandparents in San Diego and hooked up with her high school boyfriend. He’s a vet. Not important, but anyway, my dad had no idea what had happened. He called Grandma and she was horrified at what my dad had allegedly done. Apparently she called him a ‘fuck-head.’ Can you imagine my Grandma saying, ‘fuck-head’?”

  “Eventually the college girlfriend called and told him he had a five year old son. This woman wanted my dad, thought she could do it on her own and concocted the affair. By this time my mom had been gone for two months. Dad went to San Diego and explained everything to Grandma and Grandpa. Mom was sleeping over at the vet guy’s house so he waited all night until she came home the next morning. My Grandpa, Grandma and my dad explained what had happened. I guess my mom had a kind of breakdown after that. My dad stayed with her at my grandparents’ home for three months. It was the guilt that caused her depression. Remember when we were sixteen? Remember how excited I was about my sweet sixteen party? Then my dad said he had to go out of town on business? That’s when they told me the story of my half-brother. He was graduating college the same day and he didn’t want to miss it. The part of the story that stood out for me was that when they told me, they told me together and held each other’s hands. My mom cried when she told me about her high school boyfriend and how he was helping her pick up the pieces of her broken marriage. Then my dad cried as he described watching the pain my mother suffered because she’d been with another man and hadn’t even asked my dad to explain himself. He never once blamed her, Ink. He never left her side for one minute while she got better. When they were done talking, my dad just looked at my mom and said, “because when it’s love, Amelia, you just know, and nothing else matters. You just have to work a little harder sometimes, that’s all.’’