by Jolie, Meg
“I can destroy you?” she said quietly. “The way you destroyed me?”
“Carly—”
“You talked me into losing my virginity and then you just…you walked away from me.” Her heart twisted as she said the words. This was something that they had never talked about. She had never talked about it with anyone other than Quinn. Even then, she hadn’t told her sister everything.
The aftermath of losing her virginity to Jesse had nearly destroyed her. Though it had been years ago, the emotional turmoil that followed still hurt because looking back, she’d been far too young. She’d been completely unprepared to deal with the emotional consequences. While she hadn’t meant to bring it up, now that the words were out there, she was almost glad they were. The consequences of that night had shaped her into a person she sometimes didn’t like very well.
She let out a bitter laugh. “Actually, you didn’t walk away from me. You ran. You ran to the first girl that would have you. And then you made damn sure I knew about it.” She took in a shaky breath. “And then? You didn’t stop there. I heard about the others. But I’m sure you knew that.”
“I talked you…?” he stared in disbelief. “Carly, do you really remember it that way? Really? Because…I don’t.”
She didn’t, either. She wanted to, because it was easier to put the blame on him. She remembered with mortifying clarity what she had done. She’d set out to seduce him and she’d succeeded. While she’d been young and inexperienced, she’d been absolutely determined. In the end, that had been all that mattered.
Humiliation colored her cheeks. He’d been a horny teenager. Though she had no idea what she was doing technically, she had known exactly what she was going for…physically.
She started to stand but he firmly pushed her back down.
“Don’t walk away now,” he nearly pleaded. “We both know this conversation is long overdue. We both know that it’s the cause of everything bad that ever happened between us.”
“I really don’t want to talk about it,” she said as she averted her gaze.
“I know. To be honest,” he said, “neither do I. So that’s probably exactly why we should. We’ve avoided it for way too long.”
“I just, I don’t know what to say about it! Okay, yes, so maybe I instigated it. But you didn’t have to treat me so horribly afterwards!” she cried. “Why,” she demanded, “why did you do that?”
“You were barely fifteen. I was just weeks away from graduation. I was eighteen, going on nineteen that summer.”
She looked at him, her eyes narrowed. “You knew that going into it.”
“First off, I didn’t plan on having sex with you that night. I thought I was just giving you a ride home. And then…then you were so aggressive. I thought that no way were you a virgin,” he said quietly. “I guess I should’ve asked. I thought if you were, you would’ve told me. And honestly, by that point, you had me so far gone that your age was the last thing on my mind.”
“But that mattered later? By the next weekend you wouldn’t even talk to me!”
“Does the term jailbait mean anything to you? By the next weekend, I realized that’s exactly what you were. I knew you were young but I didn’t realize you were that young. I was absolutely terrified of you! I had to make a clean break.”
“You could’ve just told me that,” she said. “You didn’t have to sleep with Nicole Miller that weekend.” She didn’t mention the other girls that followed in the ensuing months.
“You were a tenacious little girl,” Jesse said. There was no condescension in his tone. He was simply being honest and they both knew it. She had been tenacious then, and she was still. “What good would it have done if I told you? If I had admitted I was interested? Would have you backed down then?”
She shook her head subtly. “I never would’ve told anyone. If you would’ve kept seeing me, I never would’ve told. All I wanted was you. No one else had to know.”
“I know. And that was the problem. If you had known how I felt about you, you wouldn’t have walked away. I know you Carly. You would’ve promised to keep it all a secret. You would’ve had me wrapped so tightly around that little finger of yours. Even if you never would’ve told, it would’ve been wrong. I was too old for you.”
She shrugged but it was forced. “We were both in high school. You can’t pretend that senior guys didn’t chase after freshman girls all the time.” She didn’t point out that he was right. She had thrown herself at him only weeks after her fifteenth birthday. She had been one of the youngest in her freshman class. He hadn’t known that. Not until after the fact. All she’d thought of at the time was that he was a senior.
And she had wanted him.
Period. End of story.
“Yeah, I know it happens. A lot. Seniors going after freshman. But that doesn’t make it right. And your mother? You might have been fine with it all but could you imagine if your mom had ever found out? I mean, I didn’t know your mom. But I knew of her. I mean, Jake was my best friend so I knew a little about your mom because Quinn and Luke were best friends. And our parents went to church together.” Carly cringed because he was right. She’d never actually thought of that. “She would’ve thrown my ass in jail for statutory rape in a heartbeat. Don’t tell me she wouldn’t have! She wouldn’t even let Quinn sleep over at Jake’s and Quinn was twenty-two! I mean, I didn’t know that then, obviously. But looking back, I don’t doubt that your mom would’ve nailed my ass to the wall. There’s almost a four year age difference between us. It doesn’t matter now, but it sure did then.”
Carly let out a sigh. For the first time, she was finally grasping his side of things. Maybe he hadn’t been such an ass, after all.
“If she would’ve found out that her barely fifteen year-old was messing around with a guy who had been legally an adult for almost a year? Yeah,” he said with a shake of his head, “you can bet she would’ve made sure I paid for that. I couldn’t take the chance. You know I only got into college because of a football scholarship. My family couldn’t have afforded to send me. Not only could’ve I landed myself in jail, I could’ve had my whole future swirling down the toilet. Not to mention your reputation swirling right along with it if that ever got out. No fucking way was I going to let that happen to you.”
She folded her arms across her chest as a tear trickled down. She angrily swiped it away. There was no way that was true. He couldn’t have been trying to protect her? Not back then. Could’ve he? He had torn her heart right out, shredded it to a point beyond recognition and then tossed it on the floor at her feet. All in the name of protecting her?
Looking back, she was sure it was hormones, or an obsession that left her so twisted up in him. Or likely, an obsession fueled by hormones, but she’d really thought she loved him. And he had destroyed her, whether he’d meant to or not.
Jesse was watching her as the emotions and realizations swept over her.
“Carly, I wanted you. I’ve always wanted you. I haven’t always been the best at being a stand-up guy. I was young and scared and stupid. I handled the situation like a complete jackass. But back then, I was trying to do the right thing in my own, messed up way. Those other girls—”
“You couldn’t have hurt me more if you’d tried,” she admitted.
He hung his head. “Yeah, I know. I see that now. At the time, all I could think about was trying to push you away. But later, I realized how much I hurt you. And then, all those years you spent trying to hurt me back, I thought I deserved it. But I want to move past that. I swear, I never in a million fucking years thought we’d end up here, right now, with all of this fucking baggage between us. All because of what happened when we were fucking kids.”
She swallowed hard. “If you’re trying to romance me, you’d be doing a better job of it if you cut out the f-word.”
He hung his head for a second. “You’re right. You have me so worked up. You always get me so worked up. I’m sorry.”
“Why did you wa
it so long to tell me?”
“I’ve been waiting for you to be ready to hear it. So I’m throwing it out there. Because at this point? What do I have to lose? I thought for sure I lost you to that douche. But somehow, I lucked out. Last night, I realized I might just have a chance. And this time? I’m not going to throw it away. So whether you feel the same, or you don’t, at least I know. At least I’ve tried. I’ve been honest. I’ve laid it all out there. I won’t have to be left wondering ‘what if’ because I’ll know.”
She was blinking away tears again. She refused to let them fall. Even after all they’d been through, she’d never allowed herself to cry in front of him. She didn’t want to start now. Instead she said, “I wish you would’ve told me that night at Shady’s. The night you found out I was engaged. When you asked me to take a walk with you…It would’ve saved so much time. Why didn’t you just tell me that night?”
She didn’t want to admit to him that she’d thought he was going to. At the time, she’d thought that was the reason he was requesting a minute alone with her. She would never admit to anyone that had he asked her that night to call of the engagement, she would have.
Jesse blew out a breath. “You seemed happy with him. You never seemed happy with me. I just wanted you to be happy. If I couldn’t give that to you, and someone else could, I wasn’t going to take that away.” He paused, his eyes searching hers and she felt as if he were trying to excavate some form of truth and understanding. “Why weren’t you ever happy with me?”
“I was never happy because I never thought you wanted me. That’s all it would’ve taken. For you to tell me that. That’s all I needed to know.” She dug deep inside of herself, searching for a way to return some of the honesty he’d given her. “I’m not the same person I was a few years ago. I’m for sure not the same person I was at fifteen.”
His expression remained serious. “Yeah, well, neither am I. I think you’re a better person than you used to be. And I hope I am too. It’s called growing up. I’m hoping together we’ll both be better.”
“I’m sorry I was so childish.”
“I’m sorry I was such a bastard.”
She let out a small laugh. “So now what?”
“Well,” he said carefully, “I guess what I need to know is whether or not you even want to start anything with me. I’ve never known how you felt about me. And maybe I’m just laying out my heart for nothing. But if there’s any chance at all that you might want what I want, I need to know.”
“I think…I think I might,” she said with a small nod.
“Then let’s do things right this time. Let me take you out on dates. I’m not talking pepperoni pizza and a pitcher of beer with the game on in the background. I want to date you. Good and proper. If you’ll let me. Will you let me?”
She was too choked up to speak. She simply nodded instead.
“Then I’m setting one ground rule.”
She raised her eyebrows. “A ground rule?”
“No sex. We’ve done this backwards our whole lives and look where it’s gotten us. Let’s do this right. For once and for all, let’s do this right.”
“No sex,” Carly repeated.
“No sex,” he confirmed.
“Ever?”
He laughed at the perplexed expression on her face. “Hell no, I didn’t mean that. I just meant, I don’t know what, exactly. I just want to see where we go. We’ll have sex again when we’re ready.”
Carly cocked an eyebrow at him. She managed to keep her mouth shut. She was tempted to tell Jesse that when she was with him, she was always ready.
“We know how we are with that aspect,” he continued. “I want to find out how we are without it.”
She hesitated, her heart hammering. “What if we’re no good?” Their relationship had always been so physical. She was worried where they would be without that.
“Then we’ll build it until we are,” he said firmly. “I’ve got a lot of years to make up for.”
10
“Carly! Whoa, hey, okay…” Quinn said as Carly stomped past her a few days later. The house shook as she forcefully swung the entry door closed.
She ignored Quinn as she marched up the steps of their parents’ house. She could hear Quinn’s footsteps right behind her as she flew into the bathroom she and Quinn had shared growing up. Her hand dove into the pocket of her jacket as she slammed the door behind her. She wasn’t surprised that Quinn threw it right back open again.
“What are doing?!” Quinn demanded.
Without looking at her, Carly held her engagement ring up for one brief second before dropping it into the toilet.
“Carly! What are you doing?!”
Carly was fuming when she turned to face her sister. “It’s cubic-freaking-zirconia!” she grated out as she reached over to flush the toilet. She spun back around, just in time to see the cheap ring disappear forever. “I thought it belonged in the sewer. Just like the relationship it represents!”
“It’s what?” Quinn asked in disbelief.
Carly turned back to her. Her chest was heaving. She was on the verge of losing it. Jemma’s idea had seemed like a perfect solution to her mess. She’d just come from the pawn shop.
“I was going to pawn it. But when I brought it in, the guy laughed at me. Laughed at me, Quinn! It was so mortifying. It’s cubic-zirconia and the band—I thought it was white gold, shows what an idiot I am—is just plated in cheap nickel or something. The ring isn’t worth a damn thing!” She dragged her hands through her hair as she burst into tears.
Her tears had nothing to do with the cost of the ring. They had everything to do with feeling that Nolan had betrayed her in yet another way.
“Oh sweetie,” Quinn said as she pulled her sister into a hug. “I’m so sorry.”
“What kind of person does that?” Carly asked around a sob. “I can’t believe I meant so little to him. I mean everything in our relationship? It was just fake!”
Quinn didn’t say anything. Carly knew that meant she agreed but didn’t want to point it out. That only made her tears fall faster.
“Come on,” Quinn said after a few moments. She latched onto Carly’s elbow and pulled her down the stairs.
It was a Thursday afternoon. Their parents would be at work for a few more hours. Quinn led Carly to the couch, not letting go of her once, as they both collapsed into the cushions. Quinn plucked a box of tissues off the end table and handed it to her sister.
“Carly,” she said sympathetically. “I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?”
Carly shook her head as she buried her face in a tissue. Finally she looked up and said, “I feel like I didn’t know him at all. I lived with him and I didn’t know him at all!”
“Obviously there’s a side to him that he worked hard at keeping away from you,” Quinn soothed. “It’s not your fault.”
Carly wanted to tell her that it was. It was her fault for being so stupid and gullible. She knew Quinn wouldn’t have any of that so she kept the words inside.
“Please don’t tell anyone the ring was a fake.”
Quinn gave a little shake of her head. “If you don’t want anyone to know, I won’t tell.”
With that reassurance from her sister, Carly took in a deep breath. It was time to pull herself back together again. Nolan was proving over and over to her that he was not worth her tears.
“What are you doing here?” Carly wondered. She was surprised that Quinn was here, without a baby in sight.
“I had a check-up with my doctor this afternoon. Luke and Nora are home with the kids. I thought I’d stop by since I was already in town. I’ve been here for a while, waiting for you to come home. I was just getting ready to leave. I’m glad I stayed because I thought maybe you would need to talk about something,” Quinn offered up.
Carly cocked her head to the side, wondering what Quinn knew.
“Like, oh, say…Jesse?” Quinn asked. Her expression was completely serious.
&nb
sp; “How do you know about that?” Carly demanded. “What do you know?”
“I heard it from Jemma. I should’ve heard it from you,” Quinn said.
Carly gave her an apologetic shrug. Of course she’d heard it from Jemma. Carly loved the girl but she was incapable of keeping a secret. “You just got out of the hospital. I know you have your hands full.”
“You could’ve told me when you were over yesterday,” Quinn said, not willing to let her sister get off that easily.
“You had your hands full, literally. And Luke was there.” It was a pathetic excuse and they both knew it. Tom, Luke’s dad, had come out of retirement for a while to help out at the family business so Luke could be home, helping his wife. However, Luke would’ve gladly looked over the babies by himself if Carly had asked for a quiet moment to talk.
“I always have time for you. You obviously have a lot going on.”
Carly glanced at her sister. She was watching her impatiently, yet waiting for Carly to tell her in her own time.
Finally, Carly nodded. “I did go home with him the other night. But it’s not want you think.” She scrunched up her face. “Well, actually, that was probably what you think. But the next morning…” She hesitated, unsure of how to go on. She thought back to the day with Jesse.
He had asked her about Nolan, as she’d assumed he would. He’d looked disappointed that Nolan had been the one to end the engagement. He’d told Carly that he’d hoped she had been the one to end it. She realized his concern; he was worried that because she hadn’t ended it, she was still completely in love with him.
Without going into details, she’d tried to assure Jesse that Nolan had made it awfully easy to not feel much of anything for him. Jesse hadn’t agreed, because as he pointed out, feelings don’t die out overnight. While Carly knew he was probably right, she also felt her emotions when it came to Nolan were too mixed up at the moment to even try to decipher.
