Wicked Power

by Gladden, DelSheree

I laugh. “You always act like your family is so hard to handle. They’re not that bad.”

  “I’m just thinking of the first time you came over. The mental image of you flattened against the wall to avoid the swarm of people rushing for the dinner table is hard to forget,” Noah says with a chuckle.

  “Whatever.”

  Together, we walk around the house to the backyard. It seems even noisier than usual when we reach the gate. I’m the one to push it open. When I do, Noah and I both bust up laughing. The sight of Amelia, his five-year-old sister, lying on the ground, covered in potato salad while the dog licks it off her is almost too much. Noah’s mom and older sister Kennedy waving tongs and spatulas at each other as they argue, his younger sister, Tess, trying to untangle her brother, Seth’s, arms and legs from a soccer net with the help of Sandra and Kari, and their dad and Wyatt trying in vain to chase a squirrel away from the picnic is too much.

  “I love your family,” I say through my laughter. Noah just shakes his head as he laughs.

  Since nobody else has noticed the dog using Amelia as a plate, we head over to help her up. Not that she minds being licked from head to toe, but we help her anyway. We get a quick thanks and potatoey hug for our efforts before she runs off to find the dog again.

  The rest of the craziness eventually settles and we all sit down to dinner, with Noah casually taking a seat right next to me. My first instinct is to pull away, but I hesitate as Amelia climbs into his lap and smiles up at him. She absolutely adores him, and I can understand why. The rest of Noah’s family, along with Laney, the twins, and Wyatt, all crowd in on the patio with their food, and the chaos begins again.

  There are a lot of things to love about Noah’s family, but eating with them is the best. At least three people are always talking. I learn everything about each person’s sports scores, relationships, movie critiques, and half a dozen other topics just while the food is being dished out. I love the noise because it reminds me of what my family used to be like. We were never as carefree and crazy as Noah’s family, but there was a time when we were happy. Now more than ever, I crave that feeling.

  David keeps saying that the Godlings are a family. He says they look out for each other, protect one another. Maybe I don’t want someone else trying to protect me, though. I have everything I need in that department already. Thoughts of Ketchup, and the fact that he is most likely nearby, keeps me quiet during dinner.

  As the sun disappears, the inevitable chill filters through the night. Indian Summer is long since passed, but I’m not ready to go inside or go home with my friends. I watch Noah’s parents hustle the younger kids inside for baths and bed. My friends start getting ready to leave, while I linger. The food was put away a while ago. There’s no point in picking up the toys littering the yard because they’ll just be dragged back out tomorrow. Noah’s older sister, Kennedy, took off hours earlier for a late movie with her boyfriend. I find myself with no good excuse to stay, but I want this night to keep a little longer so I don’t have to go home and face David.

  The quick burst of flame to my right draws my attention. In the center of the patio sits an aboveground fire pit. My mouth turns up in a smile at the sight of Noah lighting the wood and a blanket draped across the back of the chaise. I reach for the blanket, thankful for his insight. As I do, Laney and Wyatt settle back in. Kari and Sandra are the only ones to stay standing.

  Noah looks up at me a moment later, but he speaks to everyone. “If you guys are cold, or tired, we don’t have to stay out here.”

  “Actually,” Kari says, “as nice as this is, Sandra and I have to get going. We have to be at our grandma’s for Sunday brunch in the morning, so our parents don’t want us out too late.”

  “This was fun, though,” Sandra says. “Thanks for the invite.”

  Noah smiles. “Thanks for coming.”

  The twins head out, leaving only Laney and Wyatt. Neither one seems interested in leaving, which makes me smile. My arms wrap around my body to ward off the chill, glad they’ve accepted Noah so wholeheartedly.

  “Are you cold?” Noah asks when he looks over at me. “We can go inside.”

  “No, this is great,” I say. To prove it, I curl up on the chaise and drape the blanket over me. Laney grabs a second blanket and follows my example.

  For several long seconds, no one speaks. The peacefulness would feel good if I wasn’t worried about Ketchup. Thankfully, Laney’s incessant need to talk gets the conversation going. It’s an easy blend of topics and banter. The chatter keeps up for almost an hour before Laney notices the time.

  “Wyatt, it’s almost eleven. I need to get home.” She turns to Noah and says, “This was fun. We should all hang out more often.”

  “Yeah,” Noah says, and he actually means it. I smile at his response.

  “Van, did you need a ride home?” Wyatt asks. “I can drop you off after Laney, so Noah doesn’t have to drive you home.”

  His offer is sweet, but I’m not ready to go home just yet. Noah looks over at me, not in any hurry to send me packing.

  “If Van wants to stay, I don’t mind driving her home,” Noah says finally.

  I debate my response carefully. Part of me simply isn’t ready to step back into the insanity of my real life. That isn’t my only motivation. What Noah said earlier is still gnawing at me. Maybe if it’s just the two of us, he’ll slip, and give me some kind of hint about why he’s still willing to hang around with me. Knowing that if Ketchup did somehow find a way to keep an eye on me tonight, he will not be happy about the prospect of me spending time with Noah, I still say, “Wyatt, why don’t you go ahead. I don’t want to make Laney miss curfew. Noah can take me home in a little bit.”

  Wyatt just shrugs. “Okay. See you later then.” He and Laney disappear around the side of the house a few seconds later.

  “You know,” Noah says as he comes to sit by me, “we’ve been working on our English project for months now and still haven’t come up with much of a scene.”

  I have mixed feelings about our English teacher for assigning this stupid project. Despite my original outrage, I’m glad he partnered me with Noah, because we never would have spoken to each other if he hadn’t. Although, that seems like something of a mixed blessing right now. What I’m still not happy about is our topic. A battle scene would seem like it was right up my alley, but really, he’s only asking for something to go terribly wrong. With me, that usually involves blood.

  “I know I haven’t been very helpful with that,” I apologize. “You’ve done great coming up with the battle part. I just don’t know what he wants from us when it comes to the dialog.”

  “I don’t really know, either, but I suppose we better come up with something over the next couple of weeks.” His shoulder brushes mine as he leans back. He shakes his head. “I can’t think of anything that doesn’t turn into some crappy anime knockoff with one of us over-explaining an evil plot. Either that, or it turns into a pathetic copy of a Karate Kid-style showdown. Both of which are lame.”

  I chuckle at his frustration. “I’ll have to take your word on both of those since I’ve never seen either one.”

  “Right,” he says, laughing. “I forgot about your grandma’s ban on everything from Power Rangers to The Walking Dead.”

  I’m starting to wonder just how much TV Noah watches. Since most shows on TV have either violence or sex, and both are still pretty much forbidden to me, I don’t watch a lot of television. I know a lot more about real life than most people, though.

  “What if…” I pause, not sure what he’ll think of my idea.

  Noah tilts my chin up and looks at me with honest interest. “What if what?”

  “Well, there could be two friends, or they used to be friends, anyway. And something happened so they aren’t friends anymore, but whatever it was, it was bad enough that the tension builds up until they’re ready to face off. Fight.”

  Nodding, Noah looks out into the night. “But what would make two friends e
nd up trying to kill each other?”

  It’s so sweet that he has to ask. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I understand everything about Noah’s world, but he has lived a relatively sheltered and happy life. I doubt he could imagine ever turning on a friend like I’m suggesting. I give him the answer, saying, “One of them would have to betray the other.”

  “How?”

  Now that is the trickier part. “If we were both guys, it would definitely be over a girl.”

  Noah laughs. He looks over at me and smiles. “Luckily, you’re not a guy. This homework project would be much less fun if you were.”

  “Uh, yeah, I guess,” I say haltingly, but things would be a lot simpler.

  Talk of betrayal dissolves into the chilly night air. I lean back into the chaise and stare up at the stars. They are dimmed because of the city lights, but still remarkably beautiful. My eyes scan the pinpricks of light, wishing they held the answers to the many questions running through my mind. Noah shifts beside me, looking at the stars as well.

  From the corner of my eye, I can see his relaxed expression and I wish I could mimic it. It feels good to sit here with him. I can’t think of the last time I sat so quietly and looked at the stars. For just a moment, I wonder what it would be like to have a life not filled with secrets and death. My heart aches for the kind of existence where I could build real friendships, ones not based on lies or held together by duty.

  The ache spreads through my chest, bringing tears to my eyes. It is almost impossible not to look over at Noah. He is so kind, so compassionate, and so easy to care about. I tried to warn him off when we first met. I told him the rumors about me were true. Even though I know he doesn’t really understand how much of myself I keep hidden, I feel almost certain that he wouldn’t run away even if I did tell him. He is the kind of person who would love someone no matter what their flaws might be. At least, I think he is. Could it really all be an act? I try to shake off the idea, but it isn’t easy.

  It isn’t just his normal life and fun family that pulls me toward him anymore. I still want that for myself, very badly, but it’s more than that now. Over the last month, Noah has been my refuge from the insanity. He has never once pushed me to explain my strange behavior, my bizarre family, why I disappear so often, or where I’m going when I run off to make it to training on time. He accepts that I have things I can’t discuss with him and gives me the freedom to live my life in the way I need to right now. I think he hopes that one day I’ll trust him enough to tell him everything, but he is willing to wait. He seems almost sure it will eventually come.

  Is that what he’s really waiting for, though?

  It’s hard to explain how much that means to me, if it’s really true. If it’s not… it would be the kind of betrayal I was trying to explain to him earlier. He seemed so honestly unaware of why someone would do something like that. I want to believe him so badly, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. My doubts cause a deep seeded ache in my chest. Is it really so impossible to have a real friend, one I don’t have to wonder about and second-guess their motivations? A tear spills over onto my cheek as I struggle to find an answer to that question.

  “Hey,” Noah says suddenly as his fingers brush away my tears. “What’s wrong?”

  I turn away, embarrassed, but Noah pulls me back to face him. He presses both hands gently to my cheeks, urging me to look up at him. “Van, please tell me what’s wrong. If you’re still upset about the kiss earlier…”

  I shake my head. “I’m not.”

  “Then what?” he begs softly.

  “I’m sorry, this is so silly.” I shake my head, trying to pull out of his grip, but his gentle strength won’t let me get away.

  “Van, it’s not silly. Just tell me why you’re crying.”

  Blinking away any more betraying tears, I look up at Noah. The compassion in his eyes pulls the answer out of me. “I’ve never had what you have.” I pause and wipe away another tear.

  “What do I have?” Noah asks.

  “Your amazing family, a stable home, good relationships with your siblings and parents, a normal life… real friends,” I say, testing. “I’ve never had any of that, but I want it. It’s what I’ve always wanted.” I sniff again and blink back tears.

  He doesn’t ask what I mean about real friends, like I think he will, which makes me wonder what he already knows about my little group, and how we came to be friends. Noah’s fingers smooth gently over my skin, attempting to comfort me. “Who says you can’t have that?” he asks. “I know things might not be ideal at home right now, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find everything you want in the future.” His gaze peels away my insecurities, my fears… all but the most stubborn ones. “Maybe you can’t change the relationships you have now with your family, but you can build new ones with people who love you and won’t try to force you to become someone you don’t want to be.”

  My breathing hitches at his words. I nearly break down as he pinpoints exactly what I am most afraid of… more afraid of than whatever Noah might be hiding. I am so scared that David’s training will change me. I’m afraid that I will never be more than Zander’s sister, the one who is forced to watch over him and keep him alive. I even fear becoming the person Grandma wants me to be, tied down by fear and bound by a million rules so tightly that they become my only identity. My chin trembles as the real meaning behind Noah’s words sinks in. He is offering to be that person. Can I trust him?

  “I see how much it hurts you to not know if you are good enough or strong enough,” Noah says, his voice soft. “Every time someone pushes you to change or hide who you are, I see this look in your eyes—this moment of defeat and fear.”

  Noah pulls me into a hug and holds me against his chest as though I were as delicate as a flower. “I don’t know if those people just don’t see that who you really are is already strong, beautiful, and brave, or if they do know and that scares them, but they’re wrong to try and change you,” Noah says. “I know there are things about your life you aren’t ready to share with me, but I don’t need to know all your secrets to see that you are the most amazing person I have ever met.”

  Tears spill down my cheeks as his beautiful words wash over me. I have no words to respond to him. Half of the emotions crowding into my heart are completely foreign to me, but I pull them all in close and feel every single one as fully as I can. It touches me so deeply that he sees me like he does, but what impacts me just as much is the honest belief behind his words that I can have everything I want. That is a gift I wasn’t expecting. In this moment, I can’t help but cling to the belief that he is being honest with me.

  Slowly, I push myself back up to sitting and wipe away the wetness from my face as I meet Noah’s eyes. “Thank you,” I whisper.

  Noah smiles and pulls me to sit next to him. I don’t shy away from his arm around my shoulders this time. Neither of us says anything for a long time. It is a peaceful quiet, but when Noah speaks, it doesn’t disrupt the moment.

  “What are you doing over Christmas break?” he asks. “My family’s going up to Denver to see my uncle. He has this awesome house in Aspen, and he always takes whoever wants to go skiing with him. He said you could come with us if you wanted, as friends, of course.”

  A family vacation? This suggestion coming after everything Noah just said makes my whole soul constrict. I can’t even remember the last time I went on a real family vacation. It was always too risky, even when Mom and Dad were still alive. Ever since Oscar lost it, Grandma keeps us as close as possible. I want to go so badly. I want to ride in a car smashed between Noah and one of his siblings for hours on end. I want to pretend that it’s something I do all the time, that I’m not terrified of meeting new people and going skiing where I will be surrounded by hundreds of strangers that could potentially become a meal with no one there to stop me if I lose control. I want the freedom to be away from my family for more than two days without becoming violently ill. I want so much to say yes.
r />   “If it’s too much,” Noah says, “I totally understand.”

  “No,” I say quickly.

  He stares at me, a little confused. “No, you won’t come, or no, it’s not too much?”

  “Both… I mean....” I take a deep breath and blow out my frustration. “No, it’s not too much. I’d love to go to your uncle’s with you. I bet your family is a blast on a long car ride.”

  Noah shakes his head heartily.

  “But, I can’t go, Noah. I’m so sorry. I want to, but I can’t.”

  His shoulders slump. “If you’re worried about your grandma, I’m sure my parents would talk to her. My uncle is really nice, and my parents are annoyingly safe drivers. You could probably even bring Laney if you wanted to have another friend with you.”

  I’m sure his parents would do their best to convince Grandma to let me tag along, but I know it would never work. It’s hard not to say yes after everything Noah just said, but there is no other answer I can give. “I doubt even your parents could get Grandma to lighten up, but that’s not even the problem this time. I’m going to be out of town all of Christmas break. We’re leaving the day after school gets out.”

  “What?” Noah asks, his voice suddenly sounding irritated, which really surprises me.

  “Um, we’re going out of town,” I say again.

  “Where?” he demands.

  Normally, Noah is pretty laid back and very understanding about my family’s strangeness. His tone really surprises me. I don’t understand why he’s so upset. “Noah, what’s wrong?”

  “Why won’t you tell me where you’re going?”

  I shake my head, confused, but more worried about the reason behind this sudden change in attitude than annoyed. I dig up the lie Zander and I worked out a while ago and let it flow from my lips with only a little hesitation. “Grandma is taking us to this family retreat thing. It’s like a camp, a support camp.”

  Noah doesn’t look convinced. “What do you mean?”

  “You know how there are summer camps for kids with cerebral palsy or AIDS or whatever? Well, this place is for people who’ve been involved in domestic violence. After the last few years and everything that’s happened, Grandma thought it was a good idea for us to talk with other people who’ve been through similar stuff.”