Melissa Explains It All: Tales from My Abnormally Normal Life
Page 11
I didn’t choose my future alma mater based on much research, or college visits, or prestigious alumni. Rather, I put all of my eggs in one basket and applied only to NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts (I later transferred to their Gallatin School of Individualized Study). When I moved to New York City during my parents’ divorce, I spent a lot of time gazing out our town house window and watching the school’s purple trolley go by. I think it’s remarkable when we let the past juxtapose with the modern world—as with cable cars on a busy San Francisco street or cobblestone walks next to Manhattan’s West Side Highway—so I became obsessed with watching this old-fashioned bus shuttle students around town. It also reminded me of Mr. Rogers. “It’s a beautiful day in Greenwich Village…” always played in my head as it drove away.
But you know what my Bible study friends say: if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. I sent in my tuition check to NYU, and just a few weeks before I was to start classes, I was offered an ABC TV movie called Family Reunion: A Relative Nightmare. This starred the late Norman Fell (Mr. Roper from Three’s Company), Alley Mills (Norma in The Wonder Years), and Jo Anne Worley (from Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In). It was also the first time my agent had contacted me, instead of Mom, about a role and announced how much I’d be paid for the part. (When I did Clarissa, I never asked what I made and nobody ever told me; even now, I’m not clear on the numbers, but I don’t care. I did it for fun.) So the movie seemed like a dream scenario: it was a short gig, I was being treated like an adult, and I was offered a nice chunk of money I could put toward college. I also thought the role was sexy. It called for a mysterious runaway who captures the attention of a young boy who’s about to attend his annual family reunion, and I’d been gunning to play an enigmatic outsider for a while. On the other hand, I also feared that if I took this job and postponed my first semester, I might get distracted by acting and drop the academic ball altogether.
But … I ended up taking the job. I really struggled with the decision, but ultimately it was good money and NYU wasn’t going anywhere. The movie began shooting the day after Mom’s wedding to Leslie, so I left for the airport still wearing my bubble-gum-pink bridesmaid dress. Four weeks later, I was back in New York. Okay, I thought. Let’s try this college thing again.
Because I’ve always bunked with guardians or siblings, I didn’t want to live alone on campus. So I moved into the coed dorms, which happened to be literally one block away from our old town house and made me miss my colorful bedroom. At NYU, I slept in a lofted bunk bed, with my desk and dresser squished underneath. I plastered what little wall space I had with snowboarding posters. I also had two roommates, Lara and Marianna, who’d already been roommates for a semester without me. The best part of the deal was that we shared a private bathroom, since many of the NYU dorms are converted apartment complexes or hotels.
At least dorm living lent itself to a stress-free social life. I hung out with Lara, watched the sun set over the Hudson River, dyed my hair different shades of red, and went to Knicks games with my girl Jessie, who I’d befriended during my sister Emily’s run with Tommy. At the time, Viacom owned Madison Square Garden and Nickelodeon, which produced Clarissa, so I could always score floor seats to watch John Starks shoot three-pointers and Patrick Ewing sweat all over the court. I also did bong hits with the guys in the dorm room next door, which is about as stereotypically collegiate as it gets, huh? (By this point, I was enough of a big girl to reconsider Mom’s drug advice.) When I was going to NYU was probably the only time between the ages of ten and twenty-five that I liked being around people my age. I think it helped that college kids are so busy trying to find their way that they didn’t pay much attention to how, or if, I was finding mine.
What I loved most about being a student, though, was how relaxing and orderly it felt to eat a bagel every day on my walk to class or to know there’d always be an organized activity if I got bored. I was amused by college fashion too—or the lack thereof. I’ve heard about kids at other schools wearing pajamas to class, but NYU trendsetters took their lax attitude to new levels. I could literally wear boots, slippers, or shoes made from pizza boxes on my way to a Golden Age of Eastern European Directors class and nobody would look twice. People also didn’t care that I was “Clarissa,” unless they were spreading rumors that she gave some guy a blow job in a closet. (This was never true but still comes up occasionally when I bump into NYU students on the street.) To my peers, I was just Melissa, the short blonde who acted sometimes, but mostly danced on tables and went to women’s rights rallies in D.C. I also took my sister Trisha to my first and last frat party, but it was no Animal House. The only thing I learned is that I like my beer to be lukewarm and flat. No, really, I do.
Though college let me curiously glimpse a whole new world, I kept getting drawn back into my old one. In January of 1995, two weeks into my first semester, I took a job in Salt Lake City, Utah, for two weeks to guest star on Touched by an Angel—and it was a learning experience in its own right. I’d never seen the show, so my interpretation of the character fell short of the producer’s expectations. In fact, he called me into his office to talk about it, since I wasn’t “reaching deep enough” into my character to keep up with the other dramatic actresses on set. Until now, my TV roles had been mostly comedic, and I wasn’t prepared for scenes about impending rape (from Jack Black, of all actors) or an emotionally tormenting fight with the character’s mom. I hadn’t done that kind of acting since the play Beside Herself, when I was twelve years old. I was so humiliated, I burst into tears when I left his office and called Mom for a little TLC. I eventually nailed the kind of earnest acting my producer needed, but I always think of this experience when I start a new project. It urges me to really do my homework.
Between frustrating takes, I became friends with a sympathetic ski bum PA named Hoot, who later introduced me to his buddy James when I came back to visit him in Park City during winter recess. James and I began dating—I was a sucker for his tall, thin frame and giant, kind eyes. Funny how on the set of a show about angels and God, I experienced a little divine intervention myself. I can’t help but wonder if the real reason life gave me the opportunity to do a guest role on that drama series was that it would lead me to my next boyfriend.
* * *
In September of 1994, Mom was on the playground with Brian and Emily when a fellow mother gave her the Halloween issue of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, published once a year by Archie Comics. She and her friend talked about how I’d be perfect to play the character in a movie or television show—the character’s age, spunk, and hair color were clearly a match—and a week later, Mom licensed the rights to the characters Sabrina, her boyfriend Harvey, Salem the talking cat, and aunts Hilda and Zelda for just one dollar. Mom then sold Sabrina the Teenage Witch as a TV movie to Showtime for a whole lot more. Just as I was about to begin my second semester in the fall of ’95, we hopped a plane to Vancouver instead.
Sabrina the movie was a great experience. I had a special place in my heart for Vancouver ever since shooting A Christmas Snow there, and I was excited to be back for a new role. The Sabrina character was bashful, cautious, and just wanted to fit in, which I could relate to, though she developed magical powers on her sixteenth birthday, which I could’ve used in real life. The cast was friendly and easy to work with, and I quickly became close to most of them. Since Sabrina’s powers made her a track star, and I had to wear a bikini in one scene, I spent a lot of time at the gym with my first trainer ever, plus my costar Lalainia Lindbjerg, who played Sabrina’s archnemesis, Katy. I also became close to Michelle Beaudoin, who played Sabrina’s best friend, Marnie. Michelle went on to have a recurring role for a year as Jenny in the ABC Sabrina series, too.
Best of all was hanging out with Ryan Reynolds, who played Sabrina’s heartthrob-y crush. Nobody looked as good with wavy blond locks and a thumb ring as Ryan did. Though I was madly in love with James, my boyfriend of six months by then, Ryan and I spent plenty of time
together—him showing me Vancouver or driving down to Seattle with me and Michelle for the Bumbershoot Festival. Though Ryan was totally cute and charming, I couldn’t get past the fact that he always seemed to be channeling Jim Carrey’s oddball mannerisms and voices. Even so, he sure knew how to make a girl feel special. On our last day of shooting, Ryan dropped by the set to give me a wrap gift, since he’d completed his part on the movie. He didn’t make a big show of the gesture; he just walked into my trailer, gave me a hug, handed me a box, and then walked out. But when I opened the box to find a gorgeous Bulova watch, I went weak in the knees. On the one hand, I knew that some people gave jewelry as wrap gifts, but on the other, no teenage boy had ever bought me such an expensive present before. Until then, I had suspected Ryan liked me and was flirting, but I never let my head go there. Men were always more into me when I wasn’t single, so I didn’t take him seriously.
His taste in bling, however, did turn me on.
There’s a ridiculous moment in the Sabrina movie where Ryan looks at me and says in a throaty, whispered hush, “I think what we need is a little less talk and a little more action.” When I opened Ryan’s gift, I couldn’t agree more with this statement. I ran out of my trailer as Ryan pulled out of the lot, jumped in front of his car’s headlights, and demanded that he get out and talk to me. How dare he hand me a gift as thoughtful as that beautiful watch and then just disappear. Not sure whether to chastise or make out with him next, I decided to plant a big, fat kiss on his mouth without saying a word more. It was very dramatic.
That night, Ryan and I fooled around in my hotel room. I remember that his lips were pretty wonderful, plus he had these big hands and shoulders that completely swallowed my petite frame. It was a terrific distraction from how strongly he smelled of hair product. We made a plan for Ryan to visit me in New York a few weeks later, even though I felt bad about cheating on James the moment I left Ryan’s arms.
The next evening on the phone, I confessed my make-out to James, who was in Utah. I made it sound like Ryan and I had just kissed a little instead of mauling each other all night. I told him I wasn’t sure what I wanted, so Ryan could still visit—I’d hoped to keep options open, in case my instincts were off. After a few sleepless nights without both men, I decided that James was the guy for me.
I didn’t clue Ryan in to any of this until he came to New York. He stayed with me at my stepdad’s tiny studio apartment on the Upper East Side, where I’d been living during my second semester at school. I told Ryan that I wanted to be faithful to James, though we could still make the most of his visit without the touchy-feely stuff. He reacted as if I’d kicked his puppy—surprised, confused, forlorn. The rest of our week was awkward, since Ryan and I wanted different things from the trip and slept on our own sides of the same bed. We didn’t even spoon. All my friends now think I’m nuts for ditching People’s 2010 Sexiest Man Alive, but I was in love with James and went on to spend four committed years with him. We had a warm, secure relationship that felt really mature. Around the time of Ryan’s People nod, my sister-in-law Sally, a stylist, met Ryan on the set of The Change-Up. She told him how she knew me.
“Melissa let me make out with her once,” he said. Let him? The guy could hardly stop me.
* * *
After we completed production on the Showtime movie, Mom sold Sabrina, the Teenage Witch to the ABC network as a sitcom. This put the final kibosh on going to college, at least with any regularity. I told myself that if the show was short-lived, I could go back or take summer courses. I even asked the dean for a leave of absence, twice, but he denied it both times. God clearly had other plans for me, and I was on board. I didn’t want to walk away from a new challenge, plus there were the social perks and career opportunities that come with a network series. I knew Sabrina would open doors for me, yet in college, I hadn’t even decided on a major. I also liked the idea of living in Los Angeles over New York, since it was closer to James in Utah.
When I first got into school, Dad used to joke, “It only took me two days of college to realize I didn’t need it. How long’s it gonna take you?” And though this comment sounded ignorant to me at the time, I finally saw his point. I had a profitable career in acting and producing, without a degree. Why kill myself for a diploma? Just like when I jumped off that cliff in France, I needed to prove to myself that I could do this and had nothing to fear. The difference is that my life raft was also an opportunity. For years to come, the entertainment industry would always be there to move me forward and give me the kick I needed to keep things interesting.
I stayed in the Gallatin program at NYU for seven years, on and off. I even studied abroad in Florence. But I never earned enough credits to declare a major, and I’ve yet to graduate. I hope to go back someday, don a purple commencement robe, and throw a black cap into the air with all the other graduates. Maybe I’ll take the trolley to the ceremony. Until then, be patient. At the rate I’m going, I’ll be one of those eighty-year-old graduates you see celebrated on the nightly news.
Chapter 10
ABRACADABRA! ANOTHER HIT!
Have I mentioned that my mom knows how to get shit done? After we wrapped on Showtime’s Sabrina the Teenage Witch in Vancouver, she immediately flew to Los Angeles, pitched Sabrina as a sitcom to five networks, managed a bidding war with three of them, and finally sold it to ABC. She saw it as the next Bewitched or I Dream of Jeannie, but for teenagers. She wasn’t alone. The show was picked up for thirteen episodes on a Friday night and initially slotted between Family Matters and Boy Meets World on its TGIF—“Thank Goodness It’s Funny”—fall lineup in 1996. This was a big deal since TGIF cornered the family-friendly prime-time market.
Our ABC series was inspired by a comic book character, but the show also helped boost its printed legacy. Sabrina made her debut in a 1962 edition of Archie’s Madhouse, went on to regularly appear in other Archie titles, and in 1971, Sabrina the Teenage Witch was published as a comic book series that ran until 1983. When our live-action sitcom debuted in 1997, Archie then relaunched the comic book series, which lasted until 2004 in various iterations and design styles (I even graced the cover of a few issues), with some stops and starts in between. Since then, Sabrina’s made cameos in other Archie comic books yet still manages to retain a loyal, passionate crossover following from the show and comic book series.
Because Mom licensed the show’s main characters from the Archie people—Sabrina; her two aunts, Zelda and Hilda; the talking cat named Salem; and a mortal human boy named Harvey—we respected their general identities. Yet our specific interpretations of these players mostly came from our writers’ imaginations. I bobbed my hair to look like the print Sabrina’s, but the nuances that gave Sabrina life on TV—how she acted shy around boys, tried desperately to fly under the radar at school, or zoomed through the air on a vacuum—were all original to the show. Archie did make some demands, though nothing major, like ensuring Sabrina wore a seatbelt in a moving vehicle or crossed the street at a crosswalk. It was a very fair trade-off.
The result? A madcap hit about Sabrina Spellman, a teenage witch who discovers on her sixteenth birthday that she’s brimming with magical powers. She tries hard to blend in with her friends and enjoy a “normal” adolescent life, while still making the most of her extraordinary abilities. The problem is, she’s a novice with her skills, so her well-intentioned spells often go awry. Sabrina lives with her five-hundred-year-old aunts, Hilda and Zelda, who are also witches, in fictional Westbridge, Massachusetts. Her on-again/off-again high school boyfriend, Harvey, is clueless to her powers, and her chatty cat, Salem, is really a warlock-turned-feline undergoing punishment for trying to take over the world. So while the show embraced teen-related plots like finding a date to the dance, Sabrina mostly explored her supernatural side. In her world, dolls talk, everyone has a secret twin, dates can be made from “man dough,” witches become addicted to pancakes, and people split into four personalities to please everyone around them.
For us, it helped that Sabrina’s audience was vast and devoted. Whereas Clarissa was an independent teen with an edge, Sabrina related to those who didn’t want to stand out in a crowd. She was self-conscious about her magical powers, which made her relevant to viewers who blushed over an awkward trait or growing pain in their own life. Yet one of my favorite things about the show was that we never pandered to viewers with a “very special Sabrina” episode. We didn’t get into tough topics unless it was through a silly lens, since the show’s purpose was to entertain, not preach or teach. Families and kids could watch it together, since the jokes were sophisticated enough for adults, kids were into the magic, and teens identified with Sabrina’s persona. The witchy stuff also tapped older adults who missed the original spell-casting divas, Samantha and Jeannie. And finally, Sabrina appealed to her comic fans. As anyone familiar with Comic-Con conventions will attest, comic book enthusiasts are a devoted bunch. Franchises like Star Trek, Star Wars, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer will infinitely live on because of their hard-core followers. I recently went to one of these international conferences to sign autographs for fans, and you wouldn’t believe how many adults like to dress up as Thor or Boba Fett from Star Wars—merging fiction with reality, in a very tangible way. Given that we turned an Archie character into a real, live, pretty teenager with a sci-fi twist, the show was a geek’s wet dream.