by Bella Jewel
He would have died, plain and simple.
If I were in that position, I probably would have done the same thing.
It’s not always easy to assume you’d make the right choice.
“Was there no other way to save her?” I whisper.
“No,” he tells me. “She wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t calm down, she was squirming and thrashing. If I could have, I would have hung onto her, but even then it would have been hours before someone came, maybe longer. I was put in a position where I had the choice to live, or die, too.”
“I’m sorry that happened to you,” I tell him honestly. “I’m sorry all of it happened to you, but for what it’s worth, you’re not a monster, Bohdi.”
“You’re wrong about that,” he says, his voice low.
“No, I’m not. I’ve lived with monsters all of my life, I would know them even in disguise. You’re neither. You have the truest heart of anyone I know.”
His jaw tenses. “I shouldn’t have waited so long to tell you that I want to be with you, Merleigh. That I fuckin’ need you.”
I smile. “Well, you’re telling me now. Better late than never.”
He chuckles, lightly.
“Does this mean you’re choosing me?” I ask softly.
He glances at me again. “It was always you. Always. There was never a choice.”
I smile.
My heart expanding.
Finally. Oh, finally.
Bohdi is mine.
21
NOW – BOHDI
“You’re in love with her, aren’t you?” Isla asks, crossing her arms.
“Yeah, I am. You and I are never goin’ to be together again, Isla. I’m sorry. I know you don’t deserve a lot of what I put you through, and I’ll always be there for the boys, but I can’t be with you.”
She doesn’t blow up like I expect she will, she just exhales and sits down on the sofa, like she knew this was coming.
“I should have known better when I came here. I was holding onto some sort of hope that we could be a family again. After what happened with Daniel, I realized just how good things were with you.”
“But they weren’t,” I say to her, crossing my arms. “In comparison to what you went through with Daniel, sure, but they weren’t good, Isla. You deserve so much fucking more than that.”
Daniel and Isla got together after I went “missing” and I guess the relationship she thought she was going to have, didn’t happen. She started to see that maybe Sherry was so crazy, because Daniel was a manipulative liar. He wasn’t abusive physically, but he sure as shit was mentally. Then he would turn it around and make it look like she was the crazy one, just like he did with Sherry.
When he cheated on Isla, too, she realized she was in a bad situation.
He wants nothing to do with Sunny and wasn’t a good father.
Those are all Isla’s words; I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I’m guessing it is.
“Maybe I do, I don’t know. I spent so long looking for you, and now ... I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t even know what I want. It’s tiring, being a mother, I have forgotten what it feels like to live free. I can see why you disappeared and left it all behind, it seems much easier that way.”
“You’re wrong, it isn’t,” I say, my voice a touch too rough. “It was fuckin’ hard, not being around those boys, but I truly believed they weren’t mine and I was so fucking broken, I figured it was for the best. Now, I look back, and I’d do anything to change things. I missed out on a lot.”
“Yeah,” she murmurs. “Yeah, maybe.”
“I have to go pick Merleigh up from the hospital and take her home, then I’ll come and get the boys and take them out for a while.”
Isla tips her head to the side. “She changes something in you.”
“She fixes something in me,” I correct. “I don’t like the pain you caused her, telling her what you did, but I know why you did it. Don’t ever fuckin’ do something like that to me again, Isla. I won’t be so nice the next time around.”
She crosses her arms, but nods. “I was angry, and I was lashing out. I knew the situation and I knew how it would end, but I did it anyway. I’m sorry.”
I nod, and then turn, walking out of my house and leaving her there.
I hope now things between us can be different.
Like maybe, we might just be able to work together for the boys.
I need them in my life, even if it means I have to have her in it, too.
Sacrifices.
I pick Merleigh up from the hospital and take her home. She’s exhausted, so after tucking her into bed, I go and collect the boys and take them for some ice cream. They’re both attaching themselves to me, and Sunny, even though he isn’t my biological son, looks at me like I’m the father he adores. It fucking kills me that I left him, because in his mind, I was his dad.
I will never forgive myself for that.
Once we’re done with our ice cream, I head back home to drop them to Isla so I can go back and spend the night with Merleigh, but when I arrive, she’s not there. Figuring she might have just gone out, I try to call her phone, but it tells me it’s disconnected.
What the fuck?
In a slight panic, I look around the house and that’s when I find it. A folder on the kitchen counter, with my name on it. As if my mind already knows what I’m about to read, my body tenses and I pick it up with stiff fingers. I close my eyes before reading it, praying it’s not what I fucking think it is.
I’m wrong.
It’s exactly what I think it is.
The first thing I pick up is a letter from Isla, handwritten.
Dear Bohdi,
I know you’re going to hate me for this, and I know you’re going to take a long time to understand why I’ve done it, but I hope one day you can accept that I did what I had to do – for all of us.
I can’t be a mother. I love my boys, but I’m miserable and unhappy. I spend my days wishing I could be anywhere else. I’ve forgotten how it feels to live and I need to remember who I am. It’s selfish, I know, but they adore you and you always had such a great bond with them.
I’m not coming back, Bohdi. I’m not so cruel as to leave their lives and expect to come back when my mind changes. They don’t deserve that and neither do you. I want you to tell them I love them, but I just can’t be their mother anymore. I wish I could, more than anything, but I can’t.
I have attached papers that I have had drawn up, signing away all my parental rights and making you the full time guardian for both. I have thought this through, and it’s the right choice. I don’t want you to think I can come back in ten years and try to pick up where I left off. I’m signing my rights away, for your peace of mind.
It’s the least I can do.
I know you will be a great father to them, you always were. I know eventually, they’ll forget about me and grow to love you and whoever you end up with.
I’m sorry. I know you’re going to hate me. I just hope one day you can understand.
To Sunny and Taj, I’m sorry.
I’m truly sorry.
Isla x
NOW – MERLEIGH
The knocking at my door has me stopping what I’m doing to see Bohdi standing at the screen. His eyes frantic. I rush over, well, as fast as I can move with my sore leg.
“What’s the matter? Is everything okay?”
“You know how you said you wanted to be a Mother?”
I narrow my eyes, confused, and just as I do I see Sunny and Taj walking up the stairs, hands full of shells, smiles on their handsome little faces. Still, I don’t understand what Bohdi is talking about. What does he mean be a mother? To the boys? I don’t understand.
“You’re not making any sense, Bohdi. What’s going on?”
He hands me a note, and with narrowed eyes, I take it and read. What I read has my eyes widening and my heart racing. This can’t be real. Isla wouldn’t just up and leave her children like that...would she? No way, it ju
st doesn’t make any sense. Is she in trouble? What if she is and this is some sort of ploy to get Bohdi to believe she made this choice on her own?
It’s not so far-fetched, is it? I mean, Bohdi upped and left everything and had people believe he was dead. This wouldn’t be so far from that kind of crazy. I narrow my eyes and then Bohdi hands me another stack of papers. “Before you go over theories, have a look at these papers, signed by her and done up by a lawyer. I rang that lawyer, who told me Isla was very calm and insistent on everything, and that she was certainly clear of mind. Trust me, I’ve been over every option, but the truth is that she wanted this. That’s all there is to it.”
“But why?” I whisper, shaking my head in confusion. “It just doesn’t make any sense. Why would she want to give up her children?”
“Because she’s selfish, she’s always been selfish. She wants the same kind of freedom she thinks I had, but I’m telling you, one day she’ll regret it. When she does, she won’t be comin’ back into their lives. That much is for fuckin’ sure. You want to give up your kids now, then it remains that way.”
I swallow.
This is bad.
Those poor, poor boys.
They don’t deserve this. To meet a dad they’ve probably long forgotten, and get left with him while their mom disappears. It was hard enough the first time for them, it’ll be a whole lot harder now. Why would she be so selfish? Doesn’t she know they need her? They need her more than they need anyone else? She is their mother.
Plain and simple.
“What are you going to do?” I ask, my voice soft.
Bohdi is tense, so damned tense. “I’m keepin’ them. She doesn’t get a second chance, not after this. I’ll sign those papers and those boys will be mine. They need someone, though. They need...a mother. Someone to help them in ways I can’t. I don’t have the kind of warmth my sons need, Merleigh. I’m hopin’ you do.”
“You want me to be their fill-in-mother?” I ask, shocked.
“No, I want you to be their mother. I want you to be with me and for us to be a family.”
He does?
Oh god.
That’s a lot to take in.
I love him, he knows that and I know that, and those boys are beautiful but just a week ago, we weren’t in a good place and now he wants me to be their mother and basically his wife? That’s a big ask, and it’s daunting and overwhelming. I don’t know how to process that.
Not right now.
I turn and glance at the two boys who are now sitting on my sofa, watching television. They’re beautiful kids. They are.
“What about Daniel?” I ask, turning back to Bohdi.
“Daniel signed away his rights, as far as Sunny knows, I’m his father. He doesn’t want anything to do with Daniel and the feeling is mutual. He isn’t in the picture, and now, he never will be.”
I rub my hand down my face and exhale. “This is a lot, Bohdi. Really it is.”
“You don’t want it?”
“I didn’t say that...”
“Fuck, I thought you’d be jumping at the chance to have a family and be with me.”
His statement kind of makes me angry, maybe it’s how he delivered it, but he is just assuming I’ll want to dive in headfirst. This is a lot to take in, and I need some time to process it. The assumption that I’d just be happy and everything would be great, makes me agitated. Their mother just left them and Bohdi and I haven’t even made love. Now he wants us to be a family, just like that?
“You’re not even giving me a chance to process this, Bohdi. You just came in here, hit me with it, and expect me to just go along with it. Can you give me a chance here?”
“A chance for what?” he growls, “you want to be with me or you don’t.”
“You’re overreacting, and I understand it. You just got hit with some pretty intense news and it’s a lot to take in, but don’t you think you need time to process before coming here and proposing these things?”
“I know what I want. It’s clear you fuckin’ don’t.”
That makes me angry.
“I don’t?” I snap, quietly. “I wanted you, Bohdi. I made that very clear. You held me at arm's length when Isla returned. How dare you act like it’s me now.”
His jaw ticks.
“Can you please leave,” I say softly, trying to keep it together. “I need time to think, and you’re making it hard.”
He shakes his head, barks at the boys to come, and when they run out the door, he disappears with them. I’m hurt, hurt because he’s acting like I should just give in and give him what he wants, but he’s not considering that maybe I need a little time to wrap my head around all of this. Not to mention I just went through a hellish ordeal, and I’m struggling right now.
My heart aches as I grab my phone and call Waverly.
She doesn’t answer, neither does Briella, so I kick my shoes off and go for a walk down to the beach. I stroll along, breathing in the sea air, and I think about Sunny and Taj. I think about the life they’re being left to live and I wonder how it’ll all turn out for them. I think about Bohdi and our relationship and my mind swims with confusion and mistrust.
I don’t know what to do.
It has been a crazy week, and so much has come forth.
Why is he not understanding that?
“There you are.”
I turn to see Carson jogging towards me, waving a hand. I give him a small smile as he stops in front of me, panting.
“I just went to your house,” he says, voice breathy. “I figured you might be here, it was unlocked.”
“I needed to clear my head.”
“You doin’ okay? How’s your leg?”
“It’s sore but fine.”
“What about you? You don’t look fine.”
I exhale, and then I tell him everything that just happened. He listens intently, with wide eyes, and when I’m done, he exhales. “Wow, that’s a fuckin’ lot after the few days you’ve had. I didn’t know Bohdi wanted to be with you like that, did you?”
“No, and that’s why it’s so confusing. When Isla came back, he told me he didn’t know what we were and I accepted that. He’s reacting badly right now, and I understand why, but he’s not seeing how I’m feeling.”
“Give him some time, Bohdi does this. When things get hard, he shuts down. He’s been like this since we were younger, and sometimes you just gotta let him be. It’s a lot to take in, and he’s coming to the one person he trusts because he knows you can help him, and he’s scared. Take that as a good thing, Bohdi doesn’t go to just anyone.”
I didn’t think of it like that, he’s right.
That makes a lot of sense.
“You’re right. I will go and talk to him, I just need to know exactly what I want before I do. I came here because I wanted to start fresh, without drama and pain. I don’t know what Bohdi is going to bring me, and I have no doubt I can love those boys more than they’ll ever be able to process, but I just need some time to make sure I’m doing the right thing. I’m not going to go all in and then leave them, I’m not like that.”
“You’re a good person, Merleigh. I know why he wanted you to be the person for his kids.”
Dammit, when he puts it like that, I understand it, too.
“I know,” I exhale. “And I could love those boys, oh god could I love them. I think that’s what scares me the most. Is that I know how happy I could be, and what if she came back...”
“She has given her rights away, even if she did come back, that love doesn’t change. You’ll love those boys with or without her in the picture.”
He’s right about that, too.
“You’re too nice a person, Carson. How come you’re still single?”
He chuckles and throws an arm around my shoulder, pressing a kiss to my temple. “Wish I could tell ya, darlin’. One thing is for sure, if you weren’t in love with my best friend, I’d have you. But you are, and I love him more than he’ll ever know, so I’ve g
ot his back on this one.”
I smile.
I like Carson.
So much.
22
NOW – BOHDI
“Where’s mommy?” Sunny asks, for the eighth time today.
He’s confused, and he doesn’t understand why Isla hasn’t come back. I haven’t been able to talk to him or tell him the truth. What am I supposed to say? Mommy decided to leave, and she’s not coming back? Then what if she does come back, and he thinks I’ve lied to him? I don’t want to be the monster in this situation, but I also know eventually, I have to tell the truth.
“Let’s get you a drink, yeah buddy?” I say, ruffling his hair with my fingers.
“Where is mommy?” he asks again, his voice a little fierier this time.
“Listen, bud...”
“Hi.”
A soft voice has me swiveling my head to see Merleigh standing in my doorway, a small smile on her face. Fuck. Seeing her here makes my heart do things I never thought my heart could do. If only she knew the effect she had on me. She changes everything. I’m angry that I was so hard on her earlier, she’s been through enough and I should have been a little gentler.
“Hey,” I say, walking towards her, Sunny’s hand in mine. “I was just about to talk to Sunny. He’s missing his momma.”
Merleigh’s eyes go to Sunny, and she smiles. “Are you feeling a little down, honey?” she asks him.
He nods. “I don’t know where mommy went, and I’m scared she’s never going to come back.”
Those words hurt me, they hurt me to my fucking core. Not only because I’m angry that Isla left, but also that I left them first. I should have never taken that part of them away, but I did, and now she is too. I can’t do this on my own, I don’t fucking know how. Merleigh, she does. She has this strength, this beauty, that I simply don’t have.
She kneels in front of Sunny. “I know you’re sad. It’s super scary when our parents go away, but sometimes, they do it because it helps make them stronger. It’s not because they don’t love us, and of course, we miss them - we’re allowed to miss them. Your momma had to go away because she needed to fix some parts of herself, but you know what? I’m here, and Bohdi is here, and we love you so much. If you need to talk to someone, we’re always going to listen to you. If you need to be sad or angry, we are going to understand that.”
