Incomplete

by Zart , Lindy

  “What are you doing?” she demands, dropping a box of granola bars into the cart.

  “Nothing,” I say between breaths, leaning partially over the cart with my legs thrown out to the side so she can’t get past. I don’t know what I’m doing. I only know I can’t let her leave without saying something to her. Being away from her has been agonizing. I’m done with it, done with feeling this way. And if she doesn’t want me anymore, if she has moved on with Garrett—a thought I really don’t want to accept—then at least I can say I tried. If I don’t try, I’m not noble, I’m just an ass. I don’t want to be an ass anymore.

  She nods. “Right. You do realize there is another way to get out?” Lily nods her head to the other end of the aisle.

  I groan. “Just—Lily,” I start.

  “So you’re suddenly talking to me?” Her face scrunches up.

  “I—“

  “You tell me to leave you alone—“ Lily takes a step toward me.

  “I didn’t—“

  “You tell me I disgust you—“ She is almost to me now.

  “Say that. I—“

  “You want absolutely nothing to do with me for weeks, but now you’re blocking the exit? What are you—“

  “Just need to talk to you. It’s not—“

  “Crazy?”

  “What you think. Or maybe it is…” I trail off, the silence between us profound, awkward.

  Lily shoves me hard. My legs get tangled up in the cart and I land on my ass on the cold linoleum.

  “I guess I deserved that.”

  She glares down at me, her hands fisted. “We could die tomorrow. Tonight, even. You could die. I could die.”

  I stare up at her, flinching at her words. “Don’t say shit like that.”

  “Don’t talk about things that are real? I will if I want to! I just want to know one thing. What would you feel like, knowing we could have had a chance to be together, knowing you refused to take that chance, and then I was just gone? And you would never have the chance again. How would you feel?”

  “That isn’t fair, Lily.”

  “I don’t care! I don’t…care. You need to think about it. Life is short. Don’t waste it being stupid.”

  “Lily—“ I begin, feeling helpless. I don’t know what to say or do. I’ve felt so empty without her, but also like I was saving her somehow by doing this. From me. From my problems. But what she just said—I never thought about that before. Maybe I should have been.

  “You didn’t fight for me,” Lily whispers brokenly, the pain in her eyes unbearable to view. Yet I stare up into her eyes, because I deserve to see it. I deserve to feel the misery I do knowing I put that pain there.

  I tell her softly, “I’m fighting for you now.”

  “I told you I wanted to be with you.” She is trembling.

  I slowly stand, hands out. “I know.”

  “You hurt me. A lot.”

  Closing my eyes, I nod. “I know. And I’m so sorry.”

  “And yet—and yet in spite of the huge, massive, astronomical jerk you’ve recently been, I know you want to be with me too.”

  I open my mouth, close it. “How?” I finally ask.

  “When you kissed me…I could feel it in the way your lips touched mine,” she whispers, bringing her fingers to rest on her lips.

  I swallow thickly, not able to deny it. Kissing Lily made sense to me when nothing else did.

  “And you’ve been acting so insane since I’ve been…”

  “Also acting insane?”

  “Yeah.” Lily dashes a hand across her eyes, her lips thinning. “I just…I wanted to be noticed by you, you know? Seen in a new way. And…I felt so…invisible, like I didn’t matter to you, no matter what. You made me beg. And you still pushed me away. Do you know how that made me feel? Let me tell you in case it isn’t obvious. Like shit. I felt like utter shit. I still do. You’re making me feel this way.”

  “That isn’t my intention. I never wanted that.” Her words are lacerations against my heart, my soul, and I can’t bear them, but I have to hear them.

  An elderly couple walks by, eyeing us with interest. I look away from them.

  Lily’s eyes are on the retreating pair. “Intentions. They never really mean anything when the outcome of them majorly sucks.”

  My mind is blank. I have no response for her. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore or why I’m fighting to stay away. It’s all messed up and nothing makes sense. I hate it. I hate this feeling. I hate that I’m hurting her. And I want her. I want her so bad.

  Then I think of Garrett, I think of the way Lily’s been dressing and acting lately, the way she’s completely forgotten I even exist. It doesn’t matter that I told her to; in some twisted part of my brain, I didn’t want her to give up on me, no matter what I said or how I acted. I guess I’m selfish, along with all my other faults. But still—Garrett?

  Anger has words spewing from my mouth. “What about you and the way you’ve been acting? Like you don’t even care that we’re not speaking.”

  Her eyes blaze, an inferno of blue gray fire erupting from the depths of them. “You’re really going to go there? After everything you’ve done—everything you’ve said; you’re going to act like this is my fault? Like I did this? You did this, Grayson, you and your stupid sense of morality that is absolute…bullshit.”

  “I can’t help it. I’m defective at morality,” is all I come up with.

  Lily studies a box of oatmeal. “Is it because of how I look?”

  “What?” I shout, causing a little girl to look up at me with wide eyes. Her mom grabs her wrist and hurriedly pulls her away from us.

  “It’s okay. I know I’m not pretty.” She shrugs, still staring at that damn box of oatmeal.

  Incredulity has me frozen. I stare at her. “You’re kidding.”

  Lily glares at me. “Do I look like I’m kidding?”

  Anger shoots through my veins, heating my skin. How can she be so blind? “No. You look like you’re being stupid. Really stupid.” I yank that stinking box of oatmeal from the shelf and slam it into her cart. There—now she doesn’t need to keep looking at it anymore.

  Lily cocks her head. “Does stupidity really have a look, Grayson?”

  “Yeah. I’m looking at it.” I shake my head. “You know what? You’re right. You’re not pretty.”

  She flinches. “Thanks. You’re a smooth one, Grayson. Anyone ever tell you that?” Lily grabs the box of oatmeal and shoves it back on the shelf.

  I step closer to her. “Not pretty. Beautiful.”

  She takes a deep breath, backing into the bread behind her. I think she squashed one. Note to self: Leave future important conversations out of the grocery store.

  Lily turns her head away as she says, “There is nothing beautiful about me. Most boys don’t even look at me twice. My nose is too big, and my lips are too small, and the one boy I want to notice me, never has. I’m not pretty. I’m not beautiful. I’m not even noticeable.”

  We’re both so stupid, we really are. In this moment, Lily actually more than me, which is surprising.

  I slowly turn her to face me. “He notices you, Lily. He only notices you. And I happen to love your nose and your lips.”

  “Then why do you stay away?” she whispers. “Why do you act like I don’t exist? Why do you act like I’m just…someone who used to be a friend?”

  My lungs expand with a deep breath. “I’m trying…to do you a favor.”

  “Your favors suck, just so you know.”

  I snort. “Life sucks.”

  “Yeah, but you really go beyond what’s necessary.”

  I grab her hands and lock her eyes with mine. “I’m doing it for you. I want you to be happy.”

  “I am happy, when I’m with you, and only when I’m with you. I’m sad and miserable when I’m not, Grayson. Is this what you wanted? Are you working some kind of reverse psychology or something? Because if you are, you really need to stop. You’re terrible at
it.”

  “I thought I was doing the right thing.”

  Lily tugs her hands from my grasp. “Well, here’s some advice: don’t. Don’t do the right thing. You’re not any good at it. Don’t ignore me. Don’t stay away. I feel like I’m drowning when I’m not with you. Be with me, if you want to, but only if you want to.”

  I close my eyes, dizzy with emotion. “I want to. It’s all I want.”

  “Then why aren’t you?” she asks softly.

  I think of all my good intentions that blew up in my face and made me miserable, made Lily miserable. Don’t think anymore, Grayson. Just be. I will. From now on, I’m doing what makes me happy, whether it’s right or not. I open my eyes. Lily is staring at me, her eyes intent on me, waiting. How can it be wrong? It can’t be—never with her.

  I give in. I give in and it is the most freeing thing I have ever done.

  “I can’t do it anymore, can’t pretend anymore,” I tell her, reaching for her and knocking a box of cereal to the floor. I roughly smooth her hair back, and stare into her pretty eyes framed by teardrops. “I miss you, Lily. I’m in agony here. It has felt…like a dull knife stabbing into my heart, over and over and over again, being away from you. And I’m sorry, so, so sorry for the way I’ve been treating you. It wasn’t right. What I said…what I did…I didn’t mean any of it. I never should have done it. I was wrong, a complete ass. Please forgive me, Lily. Say you forgive me,” I plead, tears stinging my eyes. My throat is tight as I wait, knowing if Lily can’t or won’t forgive me I might as well not exist.

  “I forgive you,” she whispers. “Right now, I also hate you a little bit and I don’t know if you deserve my forgiveness.” I hang my head. “But I forgive you.”

  Relief slams into me and I have to look away to gain some control back or I will turn into a blubbering mess in a totally unguy kind of way. I want to hold her so badly, but don’t feel I have the right, not after how I’ve been treating her. I cup her face between my palms, gazing at the one thing I know I cannot live without—the one person I never wanted to hurt and then hurt the most. “Just let me—just let me hold you. Okay? Is that okay? That’s all I want.” The tightness in my throat and the pressure in my chest make it hard to breathe. My hands tremble, causing the fingers to unconsciously clench around her soft jaw.

  She wordlessly nods, fisting my shirt in her hands. Her lips touch my neck, warm and soft, and I shudder. I have a hard time accepting that Lily is in my arms, again, finally. My head drops to the curve between her jaw and shoulder, her fingers stroking my hair as I close my eyes and just breathe her in, taking in this moment and letting it wash over me. I am overwhelmed by her, the shaking of my body proof of this. I’m not letting her go, not ever again. I pull her face to mine, undone by the look in her eyes, and slam my lips to hers. Desire and yearning shoot through me, engulfing me. My heart races and I am alive again. Alive in Lily, alive for Lily, always. I am not ruined anymore. I am not fractured.

  “This is a grocery store, not a hotel room,” a gravelly voice states.

  We break away. Lily’s face is flushed with embarrassment.

  “Sorry,” I mumble to the old lady glaring at us.

  “You’re in front of the oatmeal.”

  “Sorry,” I say again, moving us and our carts down a few steps.

  She huffs as she gets her oatmeal—the box Lily had been studying so intently a moment ago—and waddles away.

  I grin at Lily and she smiles back. “I’ve missed you so much, Grayson,” she says in a voice that trembles.

  Everything tumbles out of me in a barely coherent mess. “I know. This has sucked, so bad. Every day…seeing you with Garrett—I couldn’t stand seeing you with Garrett. That was torture. I thought you would be happier with someone else. I lied for you. I lied so many times. I tried to do what was right. I thought—“

  She puts a finger to my lips, silencing me. “Shut up, Grayson. We both know you’re an idiot.”

  My mouth opens, but nothing comes out.

  Lily smiles and it is as warm as the sunshine in a cold and dark place. My breath hitches at the beauty of it. “The minute I heard Garrett hit you in the head with a basketball, any like I had for him kind of disappeared. Not that any feelings I had for him even compared to what I feel for you, and they never would have, but to be fair, he’s not as bad as you think he is.” My hands clench. “But he’s not you and you’re what I want.”

  “I’m messed up. You know that,” I feel the need to remind her.

  Lily rolls her eyes. “Who isn’t? Anyway, it makes you interesting. It makes you you.”

  “I have issues. With my parents. I’m jealous. I get angry. I do and say stupid things. A lot. I have this ethics complex. I try to do the right thing and end up fucking everything up. More than I should.” I’m giving her an out. After all that’s happened, it’s only fair to do so.

  “Grayson.” Lily tilts her head, studying me. “I know all of this. I’ve known you for a long time. I know all the good and bad. It doesn’t matter. Without one or the other, you wouldn’t be who you are.”

  “Who’s that?”

  She smiles sweetly. “Someone pretty damn amazing.”

  I wince. “Lily. That’s so not you, the whole swearing thing.”

  Laughing, Lily says, “I know. I feel like a knob when I do it. You don’t know how many times over the past few weeks I wanted to disappear, acting the way I was. I am in no way proud of it. I was just so—so desperate.”

  “And the clothes?” I eye her chest and exposed stomach, shifting my weight against my body’s reaction to the creamy soft skin. My mouth wants to be there, on that spot right above her left hipbone; my hands too. I suppress a shudder, barely.

  Lily looks down at her top, shrugging. “I think I like the clothes.” My mouth opens. “Kidding.” Her eyes sparkle and she laughs.

  “Funny,” I mutter.

  “I had to get your attention, Grayson, so you would quit being dumb. None of it was real.”

  “You’re a good actress,” I say, remembering some of her finer performances that drove me mad.

  She shakes her head. “I’m not. I’m pretty awful. I just didn’t know what to do to get you to wake up. So I experimented. Anyone not consumed by intense emotions would have been able to see through me.”

  “You got my attention, bad actress or not.”

  “Only because you were consumed by—“

  “Intense emotions. Got it. And you’re right. I was. Am.” I hesitate, not wanting to ever think about him again, or what may or may not have happened between him and Lily during our break, but I have to know. “You said none of it was real? What about you and Garrett? You seemed real enough. You and Garrett…you’re sure this is what you want? You’re sure you two aren’t—“ I can’t even bring myself to say it, so I end with, “whatever?”

  Lily avoids my gaze. “Um…yeah…about that.”

  I tense, waiting with dread for her to elaborate.

  “We didn’t really date or anything. I approached him about you and me and was upfront about the whole thing. He kind of—he kind of helped me.”

  I narrow my eyes. “What are you saying, exactly?”

  She stares at the fruit snacks across the aisle, her face reddening. “Garrett was in on it, the whole making you jealous thing. I mean, I’m sure he enjoyed it way more than he should have, but he knew I was only acting that way to get a reaction from you. You weren’t going to figure things out on your own, so I had to give you a little push. Like I said, I’m not proud of my behavior.”

  I think of his countless smirks and my hands fist. Prick. “You kissed.”

  With a grimace on her face, Lily says, “Yeah. That was pretty gross. For both of us. He told me it was like kissing his sister, only he really meant it. Same for me, only a brother. Yuck.”

  “Huh.” I blink. “I still don’t like him.”

  She smiles. “I’m pretty sure he still doesn’t like you either.”

  �
�How did you know I’d be there, at the movie theater?”

  “Well, I didn’t. Garrett and I went to the movie for something to do, just to hang out, as friends. We’re friends. He decided to do some impromptu acting when he saw you watching us. It didn’t mean anything. Honestly,” she hurriedly tells me.

  “I’m not going.” I don’t know where that came from, but as soon as I say the words, I know them to be true.

  “What?”

  “To college. I mean, I’m going to college, but I’m not leaving Fennimore. I’ll go at the tech. I’m not going to California.”

  Lily’s brows lower. She stares at me, not speaking for a long time. Finally she says, “For what? They don’t have a music program here.”

  I shift my feet. “I don’t know. I don’t care. I’ll find something. I don’t want to leave you or Aidan. I can’t leave you. The thought of not seeing you, the thought of every day being like it has been lately, with you and me in different worlds, with you unreachable, I can’t bear it.”

  “But Grayson—“

  “It’s fine, Lily. It’ll be fine. We’ll make it work. I’ll make it work.”

  “Things with your parents…you can’t keep living there, Grayson. It’s not healthy for you to be there when you feel the way you do, however misguided your feelings are. I know you think they don’t want you, that they don’t love you—”

  “I don’t want to talk about that now,” I interrupt.

  Lily slowly nods, briefly touching my face. “Okay. But what will you do? I know you don’t want to be there any longer than you have to be.”

  “I’ll find an apartment. I’ll get more hours at the bar or I’ll get a second job.”

  “And go to school full-time too? For something you don’t even really want to do.” Her tone is dubious, her expression as well.

  “Lily, I’ll make it work.” I take a step back. “I thought you would be happy. Isn’t this what you want?”

  “No. Yes. Parts of it.” Lily sighs and rubs her forehead. “I don’t want you to sacrifice your dream for me, Grayson. That’s not how it should be.”