by Zart , Lindy
“It hasn’t started yet, and anyway, you’ll be here in a year yourself. You can tell me what it feels like then. I have everything I need, whole life ahead of me or not.”
Lily cranes her head back to meet my eyes. “What’s that?”
I smile. “You.”
***
I know Lily’s favorite color is red and her favorite fruit is apples—Golden Delicious, to be specific. I know she has a weakness for chocolate and I don’t help that by randomly buying her bags of it. She’s not big on vegetables; she tries to cheat and drinks V8 by the gallons to make up for her dislike of real vegetables. I know Lily wants to be a school guidance counselor and I feel somewhat responsible for that, head case that I am. She’s gotten lots of practice, witnessing the tornado that is my world, and by association, hers. You can’t stand right next to a storm and expect not to get impacted by it.
She’s scared of spiders and she is allergic to penicillin. Her laugh tinkles like wind chimes and she loves to dance. When she was eight, she drove her bike into a light pole and she fell on her chin and split it open when she was twelve. I know all kinds of random things about Lily.
What I don’t know is what I, Grayson Daniel Lee, did or said to make her fall for me. Clearly she has a soft spot for delinquents. Whatever it is, I’m not going to complain. Finally, finally, that constant ache is gone. The feeling of worthlessness has subsided, if not completely faded. I don’t feel worthless with her. I feel…I feel so free it makes it hard for me to breathe.
I do know, whatever else I do or do not, is that I don’t want this to end. Months, years from now, I want this, will always want this—this being Lily. I want to wrap myself in her and live her, breathe her, my heart beat for her. And I do. And it does.
We’re walking through Marsden Park, holding hands. Trees are abundant at the park, their fresh green leaves swaying in the warm breeze. Swarms of birds flitter past in the sky, twittering and singing. It’s sunny and hot, but not unbearable yet. The park is a child’s definition of heaven. Slides, jungle gyms, and horse swings are scattered through the large park. Lily and I used to play here almost every day during the summer. It’s where she gave me a black eye on the teeter-totter.
“Remember that time you beat me up here?”
Snorting, she bumps her arm against mine. “It’s not my fault you weren’t paying attention.”
“I was paying attention.”
“You were gazing off into the unknown when you were supposed to be holding the teeter-totter for me.”
“Yeah, and you were impatient and decided to jump on your end without even telling me.”
She shrugs.
The end result was me getting whacked in the face with a large wooden board hard enough to purple my cheek and eye.
“You know I felt bad.”
I see a nine-year old, hair in two braids and dirt smudged on her chin, crying over a dazed me lying on the ground. She really did feel bad. She cried every time she saw me until the bruises faded.
My footsteps falter and I turn to look at her. Even now I can see the remorse in her eyes. I laugh softly. “Ah, Lily, don’t feel bad. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
The front of Lily’s hair is held back with a pink flower clip and a white sundress made out of some kind of silky material sways around her body as she moves. Some of her new clothes I like—this dress one of them. Her feet are encased in black sandals with silver glitter on them. They continually twinkle in the sun and I think the purpose of them is to blind people that look too long at them.
Her fingers lightly touch my cheekbone. “Even then, when you hurt, I hurt. Weird, huh?”
I grab her hand and kiss it. “Not weird. Just us.”
Lily cups my face and draws herself up until her lips caress mine. I hold her, hugging her close. “Can I ask you something?”
“If you race me.”
I give her a look. “Serious?”
With a laugh she takes off. I stand unmoving for less than a second and go after her, the competitive side of me rearing up. Her dark hair bounces as she runs and I am intrigued by it—the smallest details of Lily extraordinary to me. The ground is uneven and I tackle her as she reaches the merry-go-round, a startled shriek escaping her. I spin her around, her laughter pealing through the air and making me smile.
“I won!” Lily lets her head and arms fall back, exposing her smooth neck. I see a pulse tripping there and I lean forward to brush my mouth across it. A smile curves my lips when the rhythm picks up even more.
“You cheated,” I murmur against her flesh, my hands splayed on Lily’s lower back. A shiver goes through her and I close my eyes, wondering why we are waiting to have sex. It is literally always in my thoughts, sometimes only subconsciously, but it is there.
“Losers always say that.” Lily rights herself, but stays within my arms, her hands resting on my biceps, causing them to constrict. “What did you want to ask me?”
I straighten, shaking my head. “Nothing.”
She squints her eyes at me, showing me she doesn’t believe me, but is letting it pass for now. “I got something for you,” Lily says, digging into the top of her dress.
My breath hitches as I watch her, desire thrumming through my veins. “I’m all about whatever it is you want to give me, but the park probably isn’t the best place for it.”
Rolling her eyes, she smacks a prickly piece of blue foil against my chest.
“You had that in your bra?” I laugh.
“I’m not wearing a bra.”
I go still, my eyes flickering to her chest and back to her face. “You’re killing me, Lily.”
A mischievous glint enters her eyes—which are blue-green at the moment—and a slow smile lifts her lips. Oh God, I think, my whole being tightening at that look. I will now forever associate that shade of blue-green with a turned on Lily.
“I had to improvise. I don’t have pockets or a purse.”
“What?” I blink, having no clue what she is talking about.
Shaking her head, she steps back when a group of boisterous children run by, shouting and whooping. Lily swipes a loose lock of hair from her forehead. “Read it.”
“’Music touches feelings that words cannot’,” I read out loud.
“Good, right?”
I swallow, nodding. “Yeah. Good.”
“We’ll have to add it to the board later.” Lily sits on the merry-go-round, wrapping her arms and legs around a metal bar. “Push me.”
Around and around she goes, tilting her head back and closing her eyes. The sun hits her just right and with her pale skin and white dress, she looks ethereal. I stare at her, entranced, and slightly nauseous. I don’t get it. I really don’t. It is unbelievable that Lily feels the same for me as I do for her. It makes me sick, thinking about one day maybe not having her in my life. Anything is possible, including everything I don’t want to think about.
“Lily.”
Her eyes open and she smiles. “Ask me. I know you’re dying to.”
“Ask you what?”
“Whatever it is you feel the need to ask me.”
I stop the merry-go-round. When she patiently waits, quiet and still, I blow out a noisy breath. “Why would someone like you want someone like me?”
“Why would someone like you want someone like me?” she immediately counters.
“Come on,” I scoff.
“What? It goes both ways. And anyway, you are wrong about yourself. I wish you could see what I see. Why wouldn’t I want you? You’re so—so…passionate and alive. The way you write music, the way you sing—I love your expressive blue eyes and the way your hair is the shade of corn silk and waves every which way.” Her voice is softer when she continues, “Your protectiveness toward Aidan. How you look at me.” Lily steps down from the merry-go-round.
I frown. Am I so obvious? “How do I look at you?”
She shrugs, looking away as she says, “Kind of like I’m everything.”
I snort, but I can
’t deny it. It’s true. She is everything.
“Yeah, but, Lily…I’m just…I’m just me.” I turn her around to face me, so she can see that I’m nothing remarkable. I gesture to myself in case she needs help seeing what is so obvious to everyone but her. I am nothing special.
Lily smiles sweetly, brushing a lock of hair from my forehead. Her expression says that is not what she sees, not at all. My throat tightens. “You say that like it’s something ordinary.”
“It is.”
She slowly shakes her head. “No. It’s not. Not at all.”
“You’ve seen the worst of me—“
“I’ve also seen the best.”
I shake my head, a lump in my throat. “The best of me is nowhere near what you should have. I mean, come on. If my own parents don’t want me, why would anyone else?”
Lily slaps my shoulder.
“Hey!”
“I’m so sick of hearing that kind of talk come out of your mouth!” Lily grabs my face and squishes my cheeks. “You are handsome. You are talented. You are smart. You are good,” she tells me, squeezing my face. “I want you. I want you for infinity and even longer than that.”
I pull her hands away and rub my aching face. “Did you have to?”
“Did you?”
I sigh. “Lily—“
“Sing to me.” Lily twirls away, the sunshine flickering behind her, giving her a surreal quality.
I am mesmerized by her. “You’re so demanding.”
“And you love me.”
I nod, throat thick. “I do. And you love me.”
Lily grabs my face and plants a loud kiss on my lips. “I do.”
I sing to her. Because she wants me to and because she and that chocolate wrapper are right: Music touches feelings that words cannot.
***
Dawn is peeking over the frothy clouds as I cross the street to her house. The skies are streaks of blue, purple, and pink, and the air is cool enough that I shiver in my athletic shorts and tee shirt. Today is Lily’s eighteenth birthday. The day is June 9th. I wanted to do something special, but my mind drew a blank. So I wrote a song for her. Seems lame to me, but somehow I know Lily will love it.
She had to be waiting for me because the door opens just as I reach it. Her hair is in disarray around her face and she’s wearing tiny yellow shorts and a pink tank top. A jolt goes through me at the sight of her.
“What are you doing up so early?” she whispers, glancing behind her shoulder.
“What are you?”
Smiling sheepishly, Lily shrugs. “I couldn’t sleep. I was looking out the window when I saw you leave your house. Everything okay?”
“Are your parents up yet?”
“Grayson, it’s six in the morning on a Saturday. Of course they’re up.” She rolls her eyes. “Mom’s making some salt free eggs and lower sodium bacon and Dad is chugging down coffee while pretending to not be pouting over his restricted diet. They’re making me spend the day with them. Scott and Cindy are even coming over. We’re doing the family cook-out thing. You’re invited.”
She widens the door and I enter, disappointment following me. I feel selfish for being upset about Lily spending the day with her family, but I wanted Lily all to myself. But then, I want her all to myself every day.
The entryway has a closet and a bench to sit on when putting on and removing shoes. The air is heavily scented with a mixture of eggs, bacon, and coffee. Beyond the entryway are the kitchen to the left and the living room to the right, the space between the two open and vast. Georgia’s style is more country, the roosters and checkered prints of the kitchen are proof of that. The house is decorated in browns, reds, yellows, and oranges, except for Lily’s room. That is strictly one hundred percent girl.
A country radio station is on and the Dixie Chicks are ranting about some Earl who had the misfortune to mess with a woman. Poor bastard should have known better.
“Grayson!” Georgia beams at me, wiping her hands on the blue and white checkered apron tied around her waist. “How are you, honey? Want some coffee?” She is already pouring me a cup. “Are you two running today?”
“Thank you.” I look at Lily with a raised eyebrow.
“No. Not today, Mom. Grayson, I wanted to show you something.” She widens her eyes at me.
I set the untouched coffee cup down on the table and follow her, nodding at her father as I pass. He makes eye contact as a greeting before returning his attention back to his paper. Lily is all Henry Jacobs in looks—in female form, of course. Her father is short and skinny with short black hair and gray-blue eyes. His temperament is reserved and he doesn’t say much. I used to think he didn’t like me until I realized that’s just the way he is with everyone, even his family. He owns a mechanic shop at the edge of town and has a perpetual grease smell to him.
Lily squeezes my hand and tugs me along behind her up the stairs. I wouldn’t say that Henry and Georgia have a perfect marriage, because really, who does? But they seem happy, happier than my parents, so to me they seem positively jovial. Plus they’re always there for their kids, no matter what. Scott and Lily know they are loved. It seems like it shouldn’t even be an issue—wondering if your parents love you. It should be natural, doubtless. I wish I had that confidence.
When we get to her room, she closes and locks the door behind her, turning around to face me. The room is cast in shadows, but I can’t miss the intensity of her gaze on me. “Are you my birthday present?”
I inhale sharply. “Lily, what has happened to you?”
She steps away from the door, pouting. “You don’t like it?” Lily twirls a lock of hair around her finger and poses seductively.
“Why are we waiting to have sex?” I blurt out and then snap my teeth together, staring at her in horror. “I can’t believe I just asked that.” I run trembling fingers through my hair and close my eyes. “Forget I said that.”
Her body slides up to mine, her hands making their way up my chest, eliciting goose bumps along my flesh. “That would be a nice birthday present,” she murmurs against the side of my neck.
I laugh shakily. “Are you sure you aren’t taking acting classes?”
Lily threads her fingers through my hair and I groan at the tingling sensation her touch incites throughout my entire body. “I’m sure, Grayson. I’m sexually frustrated. Do you know how long I’ve been fantasizing about you? Do you have any idea how bad I’ve wanted us to kiss? For months and months and months. I love you. I’ve always loved you. I always will love you. It’s not something I hope; it’s something I know.” She places her warm lips to my jaw. “It was Christmas.”
I pull back. “What was Christmas?”
Her hands cup my rear and squeeze, causing me to jump. “When I knew I loved you more than a friend.”
“That long ago?” My voice gets high at the end and I feel my face burn. But really, Christmas? That was almost six months ago. And she just manhandled me.
“You weren’t ready to know.”
I snort. “Oh yeah? ‘Cause you’re so much more mature than me and figure things out way before I do.” Her deadpan expression tells me that that is exactly true. I sigh. She is right.
“Let’s face it, Grayson, you weren’t ready to know until about a month ago and only then because I forced you to admit how you really felt about me with duplicitous tactics. You’re so smart yet so dense at times. It’s a character flaw of yours.” She grins, molding her body to mine. “I love all your flaws.”
I hoist her in my arms and spin toward the bed, dumping her on it. Lily squeals, her eyes shining and her skin flushed a pretty rose color. I part her legs and watch as her eyes darken to that shade that’s a cross between blue and green. It drives me mad, seeing that look in her eyes, knowing she wants me. I settle myself between her thighs, holding myself up on my elbows, and stare into her eyes. Lily’s strawberry scent is potent, dizzying.
“You’re a tease, Grayson,” she murmurs, lifting a hand to gently push h
air from my eyes. Her fingers tug at my glasses and remove them from my face.
“That’s me,” I say in a low voice that is unsteady.
“Grayson…you’ve never…” Lily shifts her gaze away, chewing on her lower lip.
“Never what?”
Her eyes flicker to mine. “Have you had sex with anyone?”
My brows lower. “Of course not. I’ve never wanted to. Well, I mean, I kind of wanted to, and yeah, I’ve messed around—“
“Okay. That’s enough.” Lily pulls herself out from under me, drawing her knees to her chest.
I sit up. “What? What did I say wrong?”
“I just don’t like to think of you with other girls, not even kissing them.”
“You’re jealous?” I feel a smile begin to curve my lips and try to thwart it.
“No,” she says with a scowl.
The smile wins. “You are. You’re jealous.”
“Did you like thinking about Garrett and me together?”
My body heats up and I glower at her. “No. Don’t even bring his name up.”
“See?”
“Okay.” I sigh. “I see your point.” The silence draws out. “I got your birthday present.”
Lily’s eyes brighten. “Really? What is it?”
“It’s in my pants.”
“Grayson…” Confusion mars her face.
I laugh. “No. It really is.” I pull down the waistband of my shorts and show her the folded paper sticking out the side of my boxers.
“Wow,” is all she comes up with.
“I know, right? No pockets.” I puff my chest out proudly.
Eyes rolling, Lily takes the piece of paper and slowly unfolds it. She goes still as her eyes scan the words I slaved over for hours. I still don’t know if I did justice to how I feel about Lily.
Teary-eyed, she finally looks at me. “Will you sing it to me?”
“Of course.” I brush hair from her eyes and caress her cheek. Settling beside her, I sing.
I went to the ocean as dark and mysterious, as ever-changing, as your eyes. The steps it took to reach you were long, too long, and when I finally touched the water, I found what had been missing in me. I found you. A torrential wave slammed into me, taking my air and filling it with you.
