Instinctual (Rise of the Iliri Book 2)

by Auryn Hadley

  "Humans?"

  He nodded. "I was feral when I became a Blade. LT's the only thing that keeps me from going back. I do na know what will happen in Anglia."

  "I'll be there, too."

  "Just do na ever eat one. It's hard ta stop," he said softly. "It's worse than the drugs they sell in Guttertown, kitten. Do na ever eat them."

  "But Zep's your closest friend."

  "It's called irony. I do na know why, but he is na like the others. I've looked, and I've never heard of a human in a link. I've never heard of a human accepted into a pack. He really is diff'rent."

  "He feels different. Maast, I'm going to miss them." Sal's shoulders slumped.

  "Ya know, those orders, they do na specify that I go with ya."

  "I know. I want you, though. If I have to be alone with only one of you? I just..." Sal let the thought trail off.

  "What?"

  "I'd rather it was you."

  Cyno brushed her hair back and kissed her head gently. "We can prolly figure out how ta send Blaec. He'd be perfect for this."

  "I'd rather it was you," she whispered.

  "Why?"

  "I don't know." She sat up and turned to face him. "Blaec and I, we still have moments. I look in his eyes too long, and by the time I remember to submit, he's angry. He can't decide whether he wants to complete the mission or do something stupid to try to protect me. Things like that. I love him, I really do, but I feel comfortable with you."

  "What does that mean, Sal?"

  She looked into his deep twilight eyes, her ears sinking against her head. "I don't know. I've never..."

  He smiled gently and leaned forward, his hand gently touching her face. Slowly, he pulled her closer and kissed her, his lips just brushing against hers. "It's ok. They did na really let ya know yerself before. I figure it's fair. I've never really been in love before, Sal. I've never felt like this."

  "I won't throw that word out casually, Jase."

  He smiled. "I know, and I will na ask ya to. If ya ever say it, it'll mean that much more. Yer na telling me no, though."

  "I don't think I can," she admitted. "What I have with Blaec? He makes me feel proud of myself, and I can understand it. I can't explain it, but I can understand it. With you?"

  "What?" he begged.

  Sal closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Slowly, she opened them, not caring that he refused to look away. "You feel like a place I want to stay forever. This," and she gestured to the coffee on the table and the book beside him. "This feels like how it's meant to be. Home, Jase. You feel like home, and it doesn't matter if we're here, or in a tent in Escea, or knee-deep in snow in Anglia, it just feels like my home is supposed to be where you are. I don't know what you call that feeling."

  He swallowed. "I do. In iliri, they call it cessivi. We do na feel things the same as humans. Ya do na need ta think of yerself by human standards. Sal, ever' thing ya do, it's right. Trust me, kitten. And we have plenty of time ta figure it all out."

  "Fuck," Sal groaned, looking around. "What are we going to do with the books?"

  He laughed. "Zep will store them fer me. I'll drag a couple along with us, ta give ya something ta learn ta read with."

  "And you're going to teach me to speak Iliran, too?"

  "Ya will be fluent by the time we're in Dorton. I promise, ya will na talk like Guttertown trash, either. I'll teach ya proper Iliran."

  "How'd you learn?"

  "My amma. That's what she did. She taught the young ones ta read and such. She was na a fighter, but she was a strong woman. She wanted a large family, but it did na happen."

  "You going to see her before we leave?"

  He shook his head. "Na. Soon as I try that, I'll make her happy, just ta get killed. Easier if she does na know. I'll tell her when we get back. We'll have a nice stash of back pay, and I can buy her somethan' nice, and introduce ya to her."

  "Me?"

  He shrugged. "If ya'd be willing ta. I may na be one of yer men, but ya mean somethan' ta me. I'd like ya ta meet her, a' least."

  "How does it work, Jase?"

  "What? Meeting my amma?"

  "No," Sal said. "Being my second man."

  "However we decide ta make it work, Sal. If ya grow tired of me, ya can refuse me. It does na happen often, but ya have the right."

  "I know, you keep telling me that, but what does it mean to you?"

  "It means that when some man tries ta touch ya, I have the right ta protect ya. It means that I do na have ta feel embarrassed about daydreamin' about ya. It means that I know ya will wanna see me one more time."

  "What does it mean to me?" she asked him.

  "That I'm yers. I'm already yers, though, Sal. It just means ya want me back."

  "It means I don't have to hide the way I feel about you?" she asked.

  He nodded. "If ya think about it in humans, it's like a man offerin' to marry a girl. He may already be in her bed, but if he wants ta marry her, it's his way of saying he wants more than just one night. He wants to see where things go and learn ta grow and change with her. Na all humans marry, but when they do? There's a certain respect for the relationship that society gives it. It is the same thing with us. Ya claimed LT. Whether ya meant to or na, ya did. It let him put Wyra in his place by sayin' ya were his, because ya are."

  Sal finally began to understand. "If I claim you as my second man, it gives you a claim on me, and you don't have one now. It means I don't just think of you as some toy. It would let you feel pride instead of shame when Shift asked about us earlier?"

  He chuckled. "Yeh, I think ya get it."

  "I don't though, Jase. I never have thought of you like some toy to be thrown away when I get bored."

  "I know," he said. "That's why I am willin' ta wait."

  Sal pressed him back against the couch and lay across his chest, looking deep in his eyes. "I don't know what this feeling I have is. I can't even begin to explain it to you, Jase, but I feel like I belong with you."

  "I'll always be here, kitten." He traced the line of her face.

  "And I'll always need you. You make me feel complete. You make me feel like I'm doing something right."

  "That's all I ever wanted," he whispered.

  Sal leaned closer and kissed him. When his teeth grazed against her lower lip, she knew that she never wanted to be without him. He was the only person who understood the instincts raging inside her. Blaec might accept them, but he didn't truly understand what pulled at her. Cyno always did.

  But it was so much more than that. She hated the idea of the kitchen servant trying to impress him. She wanted everyone to know that he belonged to her. She was more than just a slave turned soldier. She was truly iliri, and he made her proud of that. He showed just how strong her people were.

  There was nothing wrong with loving Blaec and wanting Cyno as her own. The men said it over and over: it was ok for her to feel like this. There was nothing wrong with being iliri.

  "I want this," she whispered against his lips.

  He kissed her again. "I will give ya anythin' I can, kitten."

  "Then be my man?" She pulled away enough to look at his face.

  His eyes widened but he said nothing for a moment. "I will na push ya into that, Sal."

  "I know. I want this. I want you to be mine and no one else's. I want you to be proud of what we have. I belong with you, Jase. You're the one thing that always makes me feel safe."

  "Always, kitten. I'll be yer man so long as ya will have me."

  "Forever," she breathed as her lips met his again.

  Chapter 32

  It was too early. Sal poured coffee from the counter in the mess hall, her clothes rumpled and her body wishing for more sleep. Rubbing her eyes with a fist, she smiled when she saw the pitcher of cream. A dollop went in her cup, and she flicked an ear at the sound of footsteps approaching.

  "Morning, demon," Arctic said cheerfully.

  "I haven't had coffee yet," she warned him, but he just laughed.


  "And when was the last time you ate? You get snappy if we don't feed you regularly."

  She shrugged.

  "Go sit, I'll bring something," he ordered, tilting his head at the table they typically used.

  It was empty at this time of morning. Sal staggered to a chair, leaning her head over her coffee as she tried to force herself to wake up. A plate of meats was set before her, then Arctic slid into the chair beside her. He rubbed her shoulder briskly.

  "Drink that. It doesn't help much unless it's on the inside."

  She gladly obeyed, taking a long gulp and feeling the effects almost immediately. Made from plants, it tended to hit her harder than it did humans. Right now, that's exactly what she needed. Sal snatched at a piece of pork then took a second long drink.

  "Long night?" he asked.

  "A long, good night, Arctic. I claimed him."

  "Bout time," he teased. "I'm glad. I don't really get the harem thing, since I was raised new iliri, but it seems to work for you all."

  "I don't really get the harem thing, either," she admitted.

  "You ok with this?"

  "I'm just - " she stopped, not sure what she was trying to say.

  Arctic rubbed her shoulder gently, understanding. "I bet. They're good men, Sal. We all fight and squabble, but that's normal in a family. Believe it or not, it is. Don't let the thing with Shift make you think less of Cyno."

  She chuckled. "It's kinda sweet, actually. He doesn't want our private life to be a public thing."

  "This mean you're gonna spend more time with him now?"

  "A year isn't enough?"

  "I meant before you go." He turned his pale eyes to her, and she met them. His expression was a little too serious. "You do not have to claim him. You do not have to take him to Anglia. This really is a choice that only you can make, you realize that, right?"

  "And Blaec?"

  "You don't have to claim him either, but you seem more relaxed about him than Cyno."

  "Is it that obvious?"

  Arctic just nodded.

  "Ok, good to know. And no, I don't feel pressured. Ayati, Arctic, Jase would never want me to claim him just to make things easier."

  "Interesting choice of words," he pointed out.

  "What?"

  "Ayati." He pushed her plate at her. "You know what that one translates to yet?"

  "It's the iliran belief in things that are meant to be."

  He nodded. "Maast is the chaos in our lives, embodied by the bloodlust. Ayati is the order. There are some things in life we can take for granted. You drop a rock and it will fall down, not up. Rain will always be wet. Fire will make heat. These things are Ayati."

  "I thought that was nature," Sal asked.

  "The order of nature. Order is important there. But Ayati is more than just gravity and physics. You and Cyno? You're ayati. You're meant to be."

  "I'm not following."

  "More coffee." He smiled in jest, but continued, "The rest of us? We feel sparks between you, like static electricity or something. I don't know how to explain it, but when the two of you are together, it's obvious. I don't know why you're with LT, but you both are happy with it, so it's none of my business. Cyno, though?" He shrugged.

  "Am I making problems between the rest of you?"

  "No. Nothing like that. I just wanted to make sure you knew you had options. You're not forced into this, Sal."

  "Into what?"

  "Any of it. We can refuse the mission to Anglia. We can assign you a new partner. LT doesn't have to be your lover, or Cyno. It's all your decision." He rested his hand on her arm gently. "I like you, Sal, but not like they do, so I'm out of this crazy circle. I can't say you don't pull at me, because you do, but if you need an ear, I have two for you."

  She nodded, suddenly feeling a wave of relief wash over her. "Ok, what is the deal with the rest of them, then?"

  He paused, casting a careful look at her. "Um," he said tentatively, "Sal. Iliran females were designed. We read that in those histories."

  "Yeah, they made us all to be soldiers."

  "Jase didn't show you the other pages, did he." It wasn't a question.

  "What other pages?"

  "Fuck," he whispered. "Um, they designed the females to be seductive. We males are pretty instinctual about things, but they made you to appeal to all males." His eyes watched her reaction. "Humans, too."

  "Stop tip toeing around this, Arctic," she growled.

  "Silsyx, the woman who wrote those, she spelled it out pretty clearly. They designed our females to be sex toys."

  Sal's eyes went wide and her ears dropped. "And everyone knows this?"

  Arctic shook his head. "No. Those papers are still under review and most people can't read Iliran like Cyno. He was able to make out some of those ancient symbols that the professors are still debating. I just figured you should know that before we send you out alone. It's just another weapon for a Kaisae."

  "Do they keep slaves in Anglia?"

  "No." He gripped her arm. "No, and Cyno would kill anyone that tried. That's why we want him with you."

  She nodded.

  "I did your background review, demon," he said gently. "I read your file."

  "I was a gymnast." She dared him to deny it.

  "I'm sure. So, are you going to be ok out there alone with Cyno? I know he isn't as sensitive at times as LT can be. We can send Risk, Shift, or even Zep. I'll go, if that works better."

  She laughed. "You'd leave the Blades deaf, Arctic. No, I'm good with Cyno. He's not human. I trust him in ways I don't trust many others. I don't know if that makes any sense."

  "It kinda does." He drained the last of his coffee and glanced in the cup. "LT's coming, and the 112th should be back today. Eat something. I have a feeling you didn't have a very restful night." He winked at her and stood.

  "Hey," she called, stopping him.

  "Yeah?"

  "Stop worrying about my past. It's done."

  He smiled at her sweetly. "As soon as you do."

  She growled and tossed the uneaten chunk of pork back on the plate, then thought better of it. Sighing, she ate what Arctic had brought her and finished the coffee, thinking about a second cup when Blaec entered the mess. He smiled at her, grabbing her cup as he made his way to get his own. Carrying both back, he sat on her right.

  "He still in bed?"

  Sal nodded. "We stayed up late talking."

  "And more, I'm sure. You good?"

  "Arctic just asked me the same thing. What are you all saying when I'm not around?"

  Blaec just held up a hand, waving away her anger before it could start. "We discussed strategic options last night, and he asked where you were. He and I have been friends a long time, Sal. There's a reason I made him second."

  "Ok, fair enough. You didn't answer the question, though."

  "He asked me why I'm standing in Cyno's way." He met her eyes easily, waiting for her reaction.

  "You aren't."

  Slowly, his shoulders relaxed and he smiled. "Good. Just so long as you know it, too. So you going to tell me how things went between you?"

  Sal smiled, "We have a plan for Anglia."

  "That's not what I meant."

  She laughed, smothering it with a sip of her coffee. "I'm exhausted, and I should have spent the night sleeping."

  Blaec's laugh rumbled deeply. "Worst part about being your officer? I have to make sure that what others see is what we want them to. I'd kiss you now, otherwise."

  "Jealous?"

  He shrugged. "A bit, but I'm happy for you at the same time."

  "I asked him to be my second man."

  "Now that, I'm very happy to hear. Might keep him a bit less feral." He leaned back and took a gulp of his coffee, making a face as he burned his tongue. "Ok, so here's what you missed. The 112th should return today, and that means Star Fall with them. Devil Dogs should be back tonight. If all goes well, tomorrow we're shopping."

  "Shopping?"

 
He nodded. "You'll need court clothing for both of you, winter gear, and more. Tilso had some ideas about storage, and we think we'll be able to keep everything to just your two horses, but it'll be tight. Depending upon what we get will determine if we need to find a pack horse."

  "Might not be a bad idea to have a backup mount if things go bad."

  "That's kind of what I'm thinking. Granted, neither of you are heavy enough to strain a horse double, so it's not as big of a concern as it could be."

  Sal's ear flicked over her shoulder, and she grinned. Blaec's eyes followed. "Your girl left cream out," she told Cyno, as he walked past.

  He glanced shyly at Blaec but nodded, making his way to the coffee. Unlike Sal, he didn't have to be reminded to eat, filling both his cup and a plate before returning.

  "Congratulations," Blaec told him. "Does this mean we can stop trying to avoid mentioning anything about you and Sal, now?"

  "Na till I've eaten," the little man teased.

  "I'll take that as a yes. Ok, let me catch you up. Ore returns today, three units, shopping tomorrow, discussing whether to pack two or three horses."

  "Two," Cyno said. "We travel light, managin' a packer in a run would get us killed."

  "Can do." Blaec agreed. "And you get court clothing."

  Cyno shrugged. "Figured. Dresses fer Sal. They do na approve of much else."

  "Easy enough." Then Blaec slid his closed fist across the table. "Something else for you, brother." When he moved his hand, a pair of black chevrons lay against the smooth wood. The two sharp peaks rested over a pair of crossed blades.

  "You've been making a lot of custom rank badges," Sal said appreciatively, before turning to Cyno. "Congrats. I still out-rank you."

  He laughed at that, gently touching the chevrons. "Ya always will, Sal, regardless a what the military thinks. Thanks, LT. Ya want me ta wait b'fore putting these on, so ya do na have ta demote me later?"

  "The thing with Eason?"

  Cyno nodded.

  "No. Put them on. Not sure how many people notice your rank anyway." He pointed at Cyno's shoulders, which were devoid of any identifying marks.

  "Fair 'nough. We're gonna need some high end supplies, LT."

  "Like?"

  Cyno reached in his pocket and passed a slip of paper over. "These should take care of most a them. Add a pair of jakentron to it."