Love and Lies

by Duffey, Jennifer

  “When Dad refused to hear anything I said, I hung up on him and tried Mom. She defended Igor, too. Except she went one step further. She blamed me. She said I shouldn't have flirted with him. Mom actually had the balls to say I deserved it. And to think, I had some misguided notion that a mother should care about her daughter, listen to her, not push aside the daughter’s accusations when she was nearly raped.” I rotated to face Eric again and sat on the windowsill. I jabbed myself in the chest with my finger. “She blamed me.”

  Eric pulled me from the ledge and molded our bodies together, but didn't say anything. I kept talking.

  “I called Alec and told him I was leaving that night. When he asked why, I didn't answer. He never pushed me, just packed his bags and met me at the airport. At home, I was alone. Apparently, Mom was out socializing and Dad was at the office. At least that's what the maid told me. I packed my bags, called my parents, and told them I was leaving for school. Now, I only talk to them when absolutely necessary, which is once a month. When we talk, it's simply to assure them I'm alive and not breaking any laws. Fuck them. I don't care. They were wrong, not me. They should have had my back. If they really cared, they would have fired Igor then and there. No questions asked.”

  “Oh, princess, I don’t have any words. That’s just... I'm such an ass. I can't believe...” Eric tightened his hold.

  We stood like that for what seemed like hours. When my knees shook, I told him I needed to sit down. Rather than let me walk to the couch, he picked me up and carried me, then sat down with me in his lap.

  “I don't trust my parents. If you and I are going to be together, I need to be able to trust you. I was scared I wouldn't be able to if you were going to bring up my parents.”

  Finally, Eric spoke. “You can trust me, Carissa. But I want you to promise me that you will find a counselor or someone to talk to. What happened to you—it's not something to brush off.”

  “I can't promise that I will get help. I will promise that I’ll think about it.” If my parents found out I sought out professional advice I knew they’d be mad. Likely cut off the last bit of connection I had to them. I may have hated them, but it didn’t mean I’d be happier without them. What child wanted to be disowned by their family?

  “That will work, for now.”

  I sat there for a minute before moving off his lap. When I stood, I pulled him up with me. “Eric, I need you to leave. I'm glad you came over, and I'm glad we talked.” It broke my heart to say this to him, but I had to. I'd never shared my story, and I wasn't sure how to handle the emotional roller coaster I was riding. Curling up next to Eric where I felt safe was my preference, but I had to keep some distance, or I knew I'd get hurt. That's the way it always happened.

  Surprisingly, Eric didn't argue. He kissed me on the forehead and left.

  I stood watching the door he'd just walked out of, unsure of my next step.

  He turned to look at me. “Believe it or not, I’ve been where you’re at right now. I understand why you think I need to leave. Nothing I say right now will convince you that I won’t leave you, I won’t hurt you. So I’ll give you the space you need tonight. But don’t get it in your head that I’m leaving you for good. This is only the beginning.”

  Nodding, I closed the door.

  The apartment was too quiet without my roommate there. Annabelle couldn't see me like this. Even though she was supposed to be away for the night there was a chance she'd come back. If she walked in when I was teary-eyed and distraught, I'd never lived it down. I'd made it very clear that I wasn't one for crying and very rarely showed emotion when she was around.

  I turned on the TV to take my mind off everything just long enough to get my nerves under control. That way if she came home tonight, I wouldn't be caught off guard. Watching TV helped me relax enough to fall asleep.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  “Are you okay?” Logan asked as I approached him at an empty chair in the coffee shop.

  “Do I look like I'm okay?” I snapped, before running my arm over my face. That wasn't fair. Starting out another day as a bitch wasn't going to help. I wanted to keep my friends, not alienate them.

  I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. I needed to start over. Oh, how I wished my life would return to normal. Why I thought attempting a relationship with Eric was a good idea I had no idea. I should have known better.

  “I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”

  “No. I shouldn't have snapped. I'm sorry. I can't talk about anything right now.”

  “Okay, but if you want to, I'm here.” Logan picked up his things and left me to my own misery.

  When I sniffled, he stopped and turned back. I slumped forward, my butt pressed against the wall holding me up, and rubbed my hand down my face. Smart as he was, Logan didn't try to comfort me again. He turned on his foot and continued out the front door. Never before had I been both relieved and mad.

  Throughout the day, I didn't let Eric touch me, barely looked at Alec, and Logan received the brunt end of my inattention. As bad as I felt for hurting my friends, and boyfriend, I couldn’t manage to summon the energy to act otherwise. Getting everything out the night before with Eric had drained me more than I’d expected. I would have thought I’d feel lighter the next day, but that wasn’t the case.

  Between classes, I found a seat outside on the bleachers. I was finally alone and away from their questions of concern.

  Logan quietly strolled up to my hiding spot and sat down next to me. “Look, I'm sorry.”

  “What?” I asked, straining to look at him through the blinding sun.

  “I said, I'm sorry.” He rested his hands in his lap, one leg bent on the seat, the other straight out.

  “For what? You didn't do anything.”

  “I'm sorry that you're hurting. I don't know what happened, but I'm sorry. If I was the cause, don't hesitate to beat the shit out of me. I'd deserve it.”

  “Umm, okay.”

  We sat in silence for a minute or two.

  “Okay, this is awkward,” he said.

  “Logan, I don't know what you want from me.” I sighed. “I'm not having the best of days, and you’re out here apologizing for nothing. You've gotta give me something else.”

  “I want you to...you know what, never mind.”

  “Oh, no you don't. Finish.”

  “It's just gonna piss you off again. Why would I want to do that?”

  “Because at this point, I'm going to be pissed, regardless. You might as well make it worthwhile.”

  “You really want to know what I want from you?”

  “I thought we were friends. So yeah, I wanna know what you want from me.”

  “I want what I've always wanted. You. I don't want you with Eric.”

  I sat still as a rock, my hands clenched in my lap and turning white from restraint. What prompted this revelation? He had a thing for me. I got that. But why make a big deal right then, when I was at a low point? Did he think it would cheer me up, make things easier? We flirted, but it was innocent. I thought he knew that.

  “Whoa. Where in the heck did this come from? And why did you choose now to do this?”

  “Stop. See, I told you that it'd piss you off.”

  “I'm not pissed off. Well, maybe a little, but only because I was caught off-guard.” I waved my hands in the air. “Regardless, other than that, I'm not pissed. Shocked and confused...yes. But not mad. Not at you anyway.”

  “Okay. That's a start. Since the day I climbed over you in new student orientation I've wanted you, Carissa. All the flirting—that wasn't just for fun. You can't really tell me you don't feel anything.”

  “Logan, the last two days haven't exactly been filled with sunshine and roses. You saw me this morning and knew something was wrong. Why are you doing this now?”

  “My timing sucks. I get that. But you need someone, that's obvious.”

  “You're right. I need a friend though. Is it that you want to take care of me, and you think
I'll let you do so?”

  He sat with his head lowered for a minute. “No, maybe...yeah. I want to make you happy.”

  “As much as I appreciate that, we don't need to be more than friends for that to happen.”

  “Okay, but seriously, if you want to talk, I'm here and will listen.” Logan left me with a swift kiss on my temple.

  I glimpsed at my phone and figured I'd be better off going on to class than skipping. I stopped short of the room, when I saw Alec had cornered Logan at the end of the hall. I wanted to know what he had to say, so I squatted on the floor against the brick wall, leaned my head back, and closed my eyes to fake a quick cat nap. If Alec or Logan noticed me, they'd think I was waiting for my next class to start rather than eavesdropping—I hoped.

  We need to talk,” Alec said to Logan.

  “We as in you and I? Why?”

  “Because I know you were just talking to Carissa, and I want to know what's going on with her today. She won't talk to me.” I watched through cracked eyelids as Alec ran his fingers through his hair.

  “Sorry, can't help you there. She wouldn't say anything to me either. Other than to lay off when I told her I didn’t want her to date Eric because I like her.”

  “Of course she didn't. She's right you know. You need to back off. She likes Eric, and she won’t be okay with you pushing things further than friendship, if that’s not what she wants. Carissa is one in a million. If I weren’t gay, I’d have made an effort a long time ago. Fortunately for you and Eric, I am. But, Logan, when she decides what she wants, she rarely changes her mind. And when it comes to people telling her what to do or who to see, it doesn’t fly.”

  I smiled. Alec knew me better than anyone else.

  “I hear you. But you can’t blame me for giving it one more shot. Hell, you just said you’d date her if you weren’t gay. Really, I just want to make her happy. She told me being friends would do that, so I’ll leave it alone. So, I don't know what's going on, but I think I can help fix it.”

  “How?”

  “Tomorrow's her birthday, and she loves Sage.”

  Alec nodded in response.

  “Well, there's a tour coming through on Saturday. Sage is the headliner. I get the tickets, she's happy again. Besides, after today, she needs something to cheer her up.”

  “So where do I come into this plan?”

  “Oh, yeah, sorry. I need you to get the tickets, at least for Sage. I've got more of a plan, but that's my secret.”

  “And how do you propose I get the tickets?”

  “That's easy. My dad's got some connections. I'll call him, and then call you and tell you where to pick them up.”

  Alec held his hand out to Logan. “Deal.”

  He shook it and headed to class.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  I called Alec on my way home from classes that afternoon. “Alec, I need to talk to you. Like, now. Please come over.”

  Logan's surprise that I wasn’t supposed to hear gave me the boost I needed to get over myself. Beaux-Artiste gave me what I wanted, a chance to be me...not what my parents wanted me to be. If I let some stupid memories and a confession ruin that, then I was weaker than I'd thought. But first I had to let Alec know what happened. There was still a chance Eric would decide I wasn't worth the work and end whatever it was we had. But Alec would be there for me, no matter what.

  “Yes, school was peachy today. No, I didn't learn anything new. I'm fine thank you,” he answered with an air of annoyance.

  “Please, Alec. It's important.

  “Fine, I'll be there in a few.”

  I paced my room, wringing my hands till they were red, while I waited for him to show up. When I heard the faint sound of his humming coming from down the hallway, I met him with the door open. Immediately, he pulled me to his chest, his arms enclosed tight around my waist.

  “What the hell is wrong?” Alec mumbled into my shoulder.

  I stumbled when he pulled me to the couch, but Alec didn't falter.

  “Did something happen? Was Eric here? Please talk to me.” His voice was urgent, and he spit out questions too fast for me to answer.

  “Yes, Eric was here last night. Something happened, but I'm not sure how to describe it. Alec, you can't be mad at me. I told him something that even you don't know.”

  A flash of hurt swept across Alec's face. Just as rapidly, he was back to the caring, loving guy I knew and took comfort in.

  He took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a second, and when he opened them he said, “Okay. First tell me what you told him.”

  “I told Eric why we left early.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he wouldn't leave until I told him what was wrong. You did tell me to talk to him.”

  “I did, yes. But what didn't you tell me? Since we’ve been here, I haven't asked you what happened, and yeah, I knew something happened. Not even that night when you called in such a frantic state, squealing into the phone that you were ready to go and you’d pay for everything if I’d just meet you are the airport right then. Leaving like that wasn't your usual way of doing things. You worried me. Then we settled in here, and you were happy. It would have been stupid for me to force you to tell me what happened, knowing how upset it would have made you. Eric walks in and you tell him without prompting. Why?”

  I lowered my head.

  “Carissa, what happened in New York? Answer that then we'll talk about the other.”

  I proceeded to tell Alec the same thing I'd shared with Eric. I'd spent too much time keeping everything a secret, and in less than twenty-four hours, I'd let it all out not once, but twice. In some ways it was a relief, a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. In other ways, I felt exposed. Fear trickled through me. Fear that my best friend would never want to talk to me again, fear that my boyfriend would side with my parents. Sure Eric reacted as if he was on my side, but then I'd told him to leave. Maybe he'd change his mind.

  At some point in my retelling, Alec joined me on the couch again. As I finished, he sat unmoving, hardly breathing, his hands resting in his lap. I waited, more patiently than I expected, for him to say something. Anything would have been better than nothing.

  I touched his knee. “Alec. Please say something.”

  “No, I can't. I'm trying damn hard not to disrespect your parents, and if I say something right now, that's exactly what I'll do. Besides, I need a little more time to figure out why I shouldn't be on a plane to New York.”

  “All you have to do is ask me. I can tell you why you shouldn't go. The first being I don't want you to.” There were other reasons like our friendship, and school. But I didn't say anything. Alec would do what he wanted, regardless of what I said.

  “I'm sorry. I wish I would have done more back then. I'm one shitty friend, huh?”

  “No, you aren't a shitty friend. You're the best friend I've ever had.”

  For an hour, I cuddled with Alec. I convinced him that he wasn't a bad friend, that it was me who didn't tell him so he had nothing to feel bad about. I got the same crap from him that Eric had given me, all the stuff about talking to a counselor. I blew him off the same way. A counselor would make me talk about everything with my parents. They’d want to know how their lack of care made me feel. Heck no. There had to be a lot more soul searching on my end before I’d be ready to face all that.

  It was odd, though. After Alec left, I found some peace. In my heart, I knew then that he wouldn't look at me and think I was at fault. That was important to me. And I didn't even regret telling Eric. The two most important men in my life both knew what had happened. The last forty-eight hours had been a roller coaster ride, but maybe it was through and I could get off it now.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  On my birthday, I was ready to take on the world. Talking to Alec and knowing how he felt about my parents and Igor made it so I didn't feel as alone. I pushed all sour thoughts about my parents, Eric, and our relationship out of my mind. Alec met me on the steps of the
school. It was tradition that on each other's birthday we met on the steps with cupcakes in hand.

  We’d started the tradition a year after Alec moved to New York. Back then we met on the steps of the Met, now it was school. Alec was the first to bring me a cupcake. He took me to the Met for my thirteenth birthday. He’d wanted to give me something no one else would think of. Since I wasn't a fan of sappy cards or gifts, he went for just that. The cupcake that year had been pink with little rose candies on it. I returned the favor on his birthday with a black cake sporting a soccer ball, football, and baseball on top.

  As the years progressed, we tried to one-up each other. I giggled when he revealed cupcake number six. This year’s pick was pink with silver sprinkles and a miniature bear figurine on top. The purple bear had a daisy painted in the center of its belly.

  “Really? A bear—”

  Alec shoved a piece in my mouth mid-sentence.

  “Not nice.” I spit bites of cake all over him.

  Alec guffawed then wiped my face with a napkin he pulled from his pants.

  I raised my hand to wipe off my own face, but before I could, strong arms wrapped around me from behind. Startled, I yelped and kicked my foot backward, making contact with the person behind me.

  Eric spun me around and took my mouth in a kiss that stole my breath. Alec chuckled.

  “For the birthday girl,” Eric said when we finally broke apart.

  “I think I’d like a little more of that.”

  Eric swiped his tongue over his lips. “That’s a pretty good cupcake. Nice choice, Alec.”

  “Come on, we're going to be late,” Alec said as he walked around the two of us.

  “I’ve got to get to class, but I wanted to wish you a happy birthday.” Eric’s breath caressed my ear and goose bumps rose on my arm. I wanted him to stay, but understood he had to go. Our classes were on separate ends of campus.