“We’re all, all of us protecting this house, Earl. Not just you!”
“Sara. Who’s in charge here? Who in your mind is leading this group now?”
“Not you.”
“Oh, no? Then who? Who lives in Skylab, keeping watch day and night?”
“That’s your choice to live there. The rest of us are doing our part too.”
“Let’s not just agree to disagree this time, Sara. I need you to acknowledge my leadership so we can move forward.” He motioned toward me, trying to intimidate me. I wasn’t scared of Earl, though maybe I should have been after what he did to Caroline and Gareth. But, for some reason, Earl was still just Earl to me, my boyfriend’s sycophant.
“You won’t get that out of me, Earl.”
“Why do you hate me so much, Sara? Why, after all I’ve managed to accomplish here, why do you hate me so much?” His voice lowered to a menacing hiss.
“Are you kidding, Earl? You know exactly why I hate you. You, Kevin and Fred.” His eyes narrowed as he understood.
“So, you know.” He stood upright and his hands shot down to his sides. “Get over yourself, you little bitch! She wanted it! And that’s between her and me.”
My eyes widened and he knew he’d said the wrong thing to the wrong person. He took a step back as I got to my feet. I slammed my open palms against his chest and shoved him out the door. “You just pray I don’t tell Sid and Seth. Caroline asked me to promise. But I’m rethinking the whole thing now.”
“Careful, Sara. You be careful what you say to who.” His finger was in my face. I slapped it away. “I’m the leader of this group now,” he hissed through clenched teeth. “You get comfortable with it. Disrespect me again and I’ll show you what it is to go against me.”
I slammed the door and paced. I could hear the addition door slam also. I fanned my face and sat on the bed, breathing deeply and exhaling slowly. We had to remove Earl altogether. But how?
Chapter Sixteen
We spent the ensuing months tending the barn garden, collecting seeds from the plants and replanting them. This garden had been nothing less than a miraculous discovery during the early days after the Reaper had struck. In the midst of all of the chaos, we discovered a barn facility, untouched by the fall out, complete with hydroponics equipment and a lifetime of marijuana. What had been someone’s (perhaps the government’s, based on the size and level of operation) enterprise had become our lifesaver. We had replaced the marijuana with vegetable seeds we’d scavenged from hardware and department stores, and began using the barn garden as a source for fresh vegetables and fruit. The barn had a similar setup to Joel’s house, boasting a private well to feed the crop and a generator that ran on the same fuel we used at the house. Without the hydroponic garden we would surely have suffered a bout of scurvy or worse, seeing how the last of our canned fruits and veggies had been consumed within the first year. At just a few minutes’ drive from the house on the ATV, the barn was a welcome change of pace from the stresses at home.
When I wasn’t in the barn garden, helping out, sorting seeds or checking hoses I’d spend time alone, usually in the bathroom adjacent to Joel’s room, staring into the shattered mirror as my hand gently caressed my baby bump.
More often than not I would cry. Not because my pregnancy upset me, or that my hormones were getting the better of me, but because I missed Joel, my baby’s father. That the baby would grow up without a dad made me anxious. Then again, if he had survived, what irreparable damage would he have suffered and how would his pain translate to his child? Jesus, I was studying myself in the very mirror he’d smashed the night he chose to take his own life.
The bump had grown slowly in the last couple of months. With these limited resources, I didn’t have the privilege of eating whatever I craved. Had that been the case, I was sure I would have been bigger by now. Still, I tried to eat as well and as often as I could and the size of my belly had proven that my attempts at proper nutrition were at least growing something in there.
Nothing made me happier than feeling my baby move. It was a constant source of relief for me. In our present circumstances, with no vitamins and barely any meat products save the recent stash of jerky Earl had found in an abandoned trailer, my diet consisted of berries, lettuce, and canned beans for the most part. Feeling the baby move inside me was an experience I often enjoyed alone. I would think of Joel then as well. Imagining his hand on my belly, with mine guiding his to the kicks and punches.
Six months into my pregnancy (or so was my best guess), I was really showing. My lower back ached even when I sat down. Caroline remembered her stepsister lying on her side with a pillow between her legs when she was pregnant years before. I gave it a shot, and it did help some in relieving the constant pressure.
“Thanks, Caroline.”
“Anything I can do to help!” Mercifully, Caroline had come around a couple of months ago. We had a real breakthrough session that put a smile back on her face and love back into her heart. Sid was thankful. He had endured a lot those past months and with little to no explanation as to why. He was an excellent boyfriend.
Seth, to his great shame, had slipped on something in the kitchen and bruised his tailbone on the tile. He was mostly couch-ridden, seated on a collection of pillows to keep him from resting directly on his bruise. We watched movie after movie on DVD together, me pregnant and him an invalid. I loved Seth, and he loved spending time with me. I would say that our time together those days meant more to me than he could ever imagine.
Unfortunately, despite the good times spent with Caroline, Sid and Seth, things had remained as tense as ever with Earl. I was wondering how much more of him I could bear, and carefully weighing my options.
He and his group remained in Skylab, caressing their guns and counting their bullets. They’d moved a TV and DVD player up to the addition as well. We’d split the movies, seeing each other only in passing or to swap one film for another.
I knew eventually I’d need to make a move. But for now, I let my body do its work. The life growing inside me was all that mattered. I almost couldn’t believe it was a real human being alive inside me. I longed for an ultrasound, if only to prove to myself that it was really happening, although the occasional kick to my ribs or organs assured me it was. Still, without an image or face, I already felt the inherent need to protect my child, this little person was a part of me. So I waited. And I grew.
*****
I was getting a little stir-crazy at what I’d decided was nearing the seventh month of my pregnancy. My belly seemed to have dropped dramatically in the past week and I’d felt a greater stress on my hips. I was honestly waddling around the house, legs bowing as though to clear a path should the baby decide at any moment to drop out of me.
“We’re heading to the garden, Sara. You good here with Seth?” Sidney and Caroline were dressing for the strangely cool weather in the front hall.
“Actually, mind if I come along?”
“Not at all. Is Seth good here on his own?”
“I can’t see why not.” I stepped into the family room. “Seth, mind if I go to the barn with these two? I need an escape for a couple of hours.”
“You’re going to miss the movie!” he shouted from his plush throne. I smiled at him. “Go on.” He waved me away. “We’ve both seen it like, 10 times in the past year. I’m good.”
“Thanks, Seth. We won’t be long, honest, and then we’ll watch it again, okay?” I laid a hand on his shoulder and he reached up with his, before I followed the other two out of the house. I hopped on the ATV and we pushed out across the field towards the barn.
The bumpy ride over the hardened dirt wasn’t exactly a good idea, but Sid took it slow. The sun would set in a couple of hours so we’d try to get in and out within a reasonable time, so not to have to navigate the dark.
Once inside we pushed on with our chores but all the while I was feeling guilty for having left Seth on his own, in that house, with Earl, Kevin and
Fred there to bully him. Suddenly, and for whatever reason that passage from Earl’s notebook popped into my head, and reminded me why I might be feeling uneasy over leaving him on his own.
Chapter Seventeen
The trip back through the field on the ATV left me terribly anxious. I was convinced something awful was unfolding back at the house. At my insistence we pulled up to the front door and rushed inside.
“Seth!” I called as we poured into the front hall. “Seth, are you in here?” No answer. Then an ache struck my abdomen, travelling from one side to the other and back again. I fell to my knees from the pain, Sid and Caroline on either side of me.
“Is it the baby, Sara?” asked Sid as he helped me up.
“Of course it’s the baby,” Caroline said as she held my other arm. “It could come any time now.”
“Do you want to lay down, Sara?” Sid was practically dragging me to the living room.
“Sure.” I felt too weak to argue. “Can you please look for Seth?”
“Sure, Sara, Sid will look for him and I’ll stay with you,” Caroline soothed while Sid left the room.
“If they’ve done anything to Seth….” I screeched through the pain.
“I’m sure he’s fine.” Caroline helped me recline on the couch. “Is this a contraction, do you think?”
“Maybe.” I doubled over again and grasped my belly. “Oh, shit, Caroline it hurts like hell.”
“I think you might be having that baby.”
“Get me upstairs.”
Caroline slowly assisted me up the stairs to Joel’s room.
“I want Seth! Where is Seth!” It sounded pathetic, but I couldn’t help myself. Pain and anxiety were tearing me apart.
“Don’t panic, Sara.”
“Get me boiled water and towels, Caroline, and scissors and something to clamp off the umbilical.” These were some of the things I’d trained myself to ask for when the big moment arrived.
Sidney appeared a second later. “The entire house is empty, I-” he stopped himself. “Shit, are you having that baby?” He looked scared to death. Was it the current situation or something else? Again the pain struck. Such pressure. All other thoughts and concerns flew from my mind. I concentrated on the pressure and my breathing. I couldn’t believe it was going to happen. I knew from experience these things usually took much longer to progress, especially with a first child, and I was worried at the close proximity of the contractions to one another. Maybe something was wrong. But this baby wanted out, immediately.
“She’s having her baby,” Caroline hissed excitedly as she rushed past him with the pot of water and towels in hand. We had decided earlier that we wouldn’t tell the others when the birth was taking place. I didn’t want any of them involved, so we’d made this pact to do it alone. I looked again for Seth, the only other person I wanted to see right now, but there was no sign of him. Just Sidney standing awkwardly in the hall, the blood draining from his face.
“Jesus, really, Sara? Isn’t this early?” he wondered aloud.
“I think so, but then, what do I know?” I moaned. The pain was just bearable. I knew it would become increasingly worse as the night went on, and from the way the first contractions felt, I wasn’t looking forward to the big ones!
“Wow, Sara…” Caroline was so happy for me, for us, it made me weepy. My hormones had been all over the place the last week as well. Perhaps I should have known this would happen sooner rather than later. Where was Seth? He’d been my rock through so much of my pregnancy. I summoned the memory of his kind smile and voice repeating, “It’ll be okay. Everything will be fine”.
The labor went on for most of the night. Caroline read anxiously through the same pages of a medical textbook I’d perused countless times the past few months. Sid was in and out of the bedroom repeatedly throughout the night to check on whether anyone had resurfaced. Each time he reported the same news. No one. The rest of the house was empty.
“Check my dilation again, Caroline” I begged as the pain worsened. She lifted the blankets and placed her gloved finger inside me. I knew this was hard for her, but I think she appreciated just how much harder it was for me.
“I don’t know, Sara, it feels somewhere between a cheerio and the hole of a bagel, maybe seven centimeters? Three more and you’re good to go.” Her head shot back to the closed door where Sid stood guard. “What was that?” she whispered to him.
“I’ll check it out. Try to be quiet.”
We’d all heard it. A door had slammed; maybe the front door. Sidney closed the bedroom door behind him. We listened as he descended the stairs to the front hall. Caroline looked back at me.
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” she said. “You’re doing great, Sara. I bet you’ll have this baby out in a couple of hours.”
It had been six hours already, and honestly, I didn’t know how much longer I could keep this up without screaming. The pain of the contractions had increased enormously, and I dreaded the actual pushing. I had almost asked Caroline to light me the pipe, Joel’s pot pipe, to take the edge off, but never did. Women had been delivering babies for ages before pain relievers became the delivery room standard. I could do it, but I would have to be strong, stronger than I’d ever been before.
Another violent burning sensation forced my back to arch as I let out a pained cry. Jesus, would it ever let up? Caroline tried to sooth me.
“Is there anything more I can do to help? Do you want a couple of aspirin?”
“Thins the blood,” I said automatically. I’d already reviewed all of my options in pain management and none that we had on hand offered any relief for childbirth. The pot would be my best choice, but I didn’t want to bring my baby into the world high. Since Joel’s descent into madness or depression or both, I’d been very careful to stay away from the stuff too.
Sid reappeared a moment later. “I don’t see anyone, anywhere.” He looked alarmed as well as confused.
“Let’s not worry about them. We’ve got a long night ahead of us,” Caroline urged.
“I don’t think I can do this,” I cried through heavy breaths. “It’s too painful.”
“You can do this, Sara, you are doing it, and we’ll be right here every step of the way.” I caught a look of passing panic in her eyes, but that was quickly replaced with a steely stare that evoked a quiet confidence. I was in good hands, but wished I could be on both sides of the action.
“Sid, take Sara’s hand,” she ordered in a whisper. Sid rounded the bed and sat next to me. I grabbed at his right hand and squeezed down hard as another contraction overtook me.
The evening turned into night and still, no baby. At roughly midnight the pushing began. “I have to push!” I pleaded. “I have to!”
“You’re fully dilated, Sara.” Caroline smiled triumphantly and removed her finger once more. “PUSH!” she urged. “PUSH!”
I brought my legs up to my chest, pulling them against my sides with both arms, my muscles straining as I pushed with all my might. Sid was standing next to me, silently patting my forehead with the same wet towel I’d been sucking on to stay hydrated while Caroline coached me. I forgot my earlier resolve to keep the procedure secret, and openly cursed, shouted, ranted and hated the whole experience. My sheets were absolutely soaked in sweat, I was dehydrated and beginning to worry after the first hour whether this baby was going to require a C-section. I put that thought out of my mind, as no one here could perform that with any level of success. Any attempt would definitely kill me, and likely the baby. Not that either of my friends could have brought themselves to cut me open. This was going to happen the old fashioned way, no ifs, ands or buts about it.
Suddenly Caroline declared that she could see the head. A wave of relief overtook me, offering a reprieve from the painful work. That my baby wasn’t facing the other way gave me cause for thanks.
“Lots of hair,” she noted, sweat glistening on her face as she looked up at me from her position between my legs. “Could be a gir
l!” But I knew it was a boy.
From the moment she announced the appearance of his head, it was just a few more minutes of pushing before my baby was born.
It was two hours to the minute, five months to the day that Joel had left me. A bittersweet birthday, that his son should be born on the day his father passed away into the dark, forever.
The baby cried as Caroline struggled to cut the cord and clean him off. Thank God he was healthy. If he’d required any medical assistance he might not have made it past his first day.
“Seven months.” Sid recalled the brief length of my pregnancy, looking incredulously at the new life in my arms. “Lucky number.” We all smiled. In fact, I couldn’t will the smile off my face. I stared at the tiny baby in my arms with a love that could not be spoken. A little me. A little Joel.
The placenta came out moments after. It was a bizarre thing to behold, resembling a giant organ, with delicate, dark veins running through it. Caroline pulled it gently with the umbilical cord. This part too was painful, but after the relief of finally having the baby out of me, I pushed bravely through my tears of happiness.
Rebirth Page 6
