I was lucky: no tearing. He was small enough at just seven months not to have done any collateral damage to his mother.
I spent the rest of the day in bed, recuperating, drinking fluids, tended to by Caroline. The baby, Leif, as I’d named him, after my father, rested comfortably beside me. Lucky again to have a healthy baby boy that even at one or two months premature had no trouble breathing. I wondered that something so small and helpless could be alive. But there he was. His eyes opened briefly and although I knew he could only make out shapes at this age, it was as though we made eye contact. He knew, and I knew, we were both in this together. I had brought a new life into this crazy world, one that depended on me for its very survival. And survival was top-of-mind for all of us. With that in mind, I set my sights on feeding him. With no formula for him, I knew it was breast milk or bust. I brought his tiny head to my left breast, expecting him to latch on immediately. Instead, he turned his face away and began to cry.
Each time I put him to my breast, his tiny mouth was unable to navigate my nipple.
“This isn’t working,” I said to Caroline, frustrated. “He’s not getting anything to eat.” I was becoming frantic.
“We’ll get there, Sara. He’s going to have to take it eventually.”
My mind suddenly wandered to thoughts of Seth. “Has Sid located anyone yet? Seth?”
“No. It’s really weird, right? None of them.”
“Why would Seth go off with those animals?”
“I don’t know.” A shared fear mounted between us as we came to the same conclusion. I shook my head and pulled my baby a little closer to my face.
“Sid will find him, Sara. Just concentrate on Leif.” She got up from her seated position on the bed beside me and left the room, closing the door softly. With Leif nestled firmly in my arms, I fell asleep, exhausted, but deeply in love.
*****
Sid was out of breath and soaked to the bone. Caroline was trailing as they entered my bedroom. He had found Seth and confirmed the return of the others to Skylab.
“I’m so sorry, Sara.” He pushed the hair out of my face, kneeling at my bedside. His hands were hot, but wet. Instantly I knew what had happened. Seth was dead. I would never see him again. Another bloody senseless tragedy. Just as one little life was beginning another had ended. What had I done? Why had I brought a child into this madness? I closed my eyes and wept openly. Caroline lifted the baby out of my arms and handed him to Sid. She crawled in next to me and hugged me until my convulsive, breathless weeping exhausted us both and sleep overcame us. But just as I was about to drift off, I tried Leif once again at my breast. He took it in his tiny mouth, and sucked for dear life. It was do or die for all of us now. Perhaps he sensed this too.
Chapter Eighteen
The next morning Sidney shakily related the gruesome discovery of Seth. After searching fruitlessly within the house he had decided to try the forest behind the backyard, toward the shed. Grave markers of friends long since dead gave him an eerie feeling of dread as he continued past them. It was dark, but the moon was occasionally granted an audience as the dense groupings of clouds moved swiftly by. As Sidney approached the outer reaches of our property, he heard a strange sound. Though the wind had picked up considerably, he hadn’t noticed the trees bending in any noticeable fashion. The sound became louder the closer he moved toward the shed. It resembled the sound you might experience if you were sitting on a tire swing, gently moving yourself back and forth on your heels as the rope stretched and pulled against a large branch of a tree. At least, that’s how Sidney described it. For a long moment Sid stood listening, his semi-automatic poised, but the sound just kept on, lethargic in its repetition. He continued, slowly, cautiously on the path he had started.
The clouds backed off, bathing the forest in light just as Sid realized what was producing the eerie sound. As we hadn’t seen rain in over a week, a sudden breeze picked up dust from the forest floor, filling Sid’s eyes with the grit. He raised his arms to protect his face from the stinging needles and debris caught up in the abrupt wind storm. But as quickly as it had come, it left. Sid wiped his eyes with both hands, his weapon slung over his shoulder, his eyes tearing up, blindly walking along the beaten path. Having walked the path a hundred times, both in life and in our post-Apocalyptic present, he knew every step and could navigate the way safely, blindfolded, on a bet. But something startled him as he bumped into a foreign object impeding his progress to the shed.
He immediately backed off, opening his blurry eyes, blinking away the remaining grit, rifle pulled out in front of him.
As his vision began to return he realized the object was suspended in space, hanging from one of the larger trees in the middle of the path. The object was not a fallen branch. It was Seth, rope attached to his neck.
Sidney spun around, blinking madly, searching the darkness for those responsible. Were they watching him? Was he next?
There was little doubt in his mind as to who had done this. But why? Seth would never have done this to himself.
With the wind came the rains, hard and falling fast. It would last only a few minutes, but long enough to turn the hardened soil into a mucky mess, exacerbating Sidney’s desperate effort to ascend the hill and protect his friends.
Chapter Nineteen
The following day I made up my mind. They needed to die. They had murdered Seth. They could not be allowed to hurt us, or especially my baby. Sid checked on Skylab and confirmed our three enemies were now sitting quietly, drinking what remained of the alcohol and smoking what little weed was left. We went to work immediately. They were too proficient with their weapons, and I was afraid if a gun fight ensued we’d lose. So, I’d decided to torch the house that night. First we’d pack our gear, food and water and lay it out behind the pool for easy retrieval. How it had come to this I couldn’t say. These strangers had been my friends. We had relied on one another during the most difficult time in our lives. But something had happened to them. Something had snapped in their brains. Like undomesticated animals, they had allowed their instinctual selves to take over in survival-mode. Perhaps the same thing was happening to me. Like a lioness protecting her cubs, I would stop at nothing to see no more harm came to those I loved, those I had left. They had to die.
“Where will we go?” Sid asked.
“North,” I said confidently. “That’s the plan. That’s where I’m going, with Leif.”
“We’re going wherever you’re going, Sara.” Caroline confirmed, and it was done. We would go north, as Joel had instructed in his unconscious state, on his death bed.
After the provisions were bagged and stashed under cover of darkness, we barricaded both the house and the garage doors, locking them in. They were blissfully unaware of our intentions as we carried out my orders, using old food tins to pour fuel from the tanker around the perimeter of the house. I even dumped a can on the Caddy and whispered an apology to Joel’s absent father. We then moved inside the house and carefully spilled the fuel up and down the central staircase. Sid had suggested this: the more that ignites immediately the less chance they have of making it out. With that logic in mind, I continued to pour the contents of the tanker throughout the house. I wanted to be doubly sure they didn’t make it out.
As I entered the kitchen I heard a door swing open on the second floor, and froze. I heard laughing and then Kevin complained about a smell.
“Why does it smell like lighter fluid or gasoline or something up here?”
Jesus, this wasn’t going to work. I thought they had smoked themselves to sleep.
“Close the fucking door,” I heard Fred shout at him.
“No really, there’s a smell out here.”
“Then go see what it is.” That was Earl. I was still standing stock-still in the kitchen, afraid my plan was now in tatters. If Kevin came down the stairs he’d surely notice they were wet, and put it together.
“What is that?” He was at the top of the stairs now and coming down
. “What the fuck…” Shit. This was it, he was going to report back to the others and-
“Kevin.” It was Sid. Oh, thank God. Sid was coming up from the basement.
“Sid, you smell that?”
“Yeah, man. Come here, I want to show you something.”
“You know what this is? Should I get Earl?” They met in the front hall.
“Do you need to bother Earl?” Sid played him perfectly.
Kevin glanced up the curving stairs and shrugged his narrow shoulders. “Guess not.”
“Are the others up in Skylab?”
“Yeah, man. What’s the deal, Sid?” Kevin lifted his bare foot and wiped away the fuel. “Is this what I think it is?”
That was the last thing that ever came out of Kevin’s mouth. I watched from the kitchen as Sid wrapped an arm around his neck blocking his airway. Kevin was immediately incapacitated. No longer in control of his own body, his face distorted and began to turn purple as he struggled against the grip. Sidney started to shake him violently, lifting his whole body up into the air and crashing him down on the tile until Kevin stopped struggling. The look on Sid’s face was one of desperation. His lips parted and his own face reddened. As Sid’s hold forced Kevin to the floor, still squeezing, I saw in him a sense of relief as a final jerk gave way to a sickening snap.
He quickly got to his feet and dragged the lifeless Kevin to the basement. I stood frozen, still in the entranceway to the kitchen when Sid reemerged.
“We need to get this done now, Sara,” he explained in no uncertain terms. “We need to finish this.”
A sense of urgency propelled me into action. My baby, safe with Caroline and waiting for us at the back sliding doors, remained a secret to the others. Since their return to the house, they had sequestered themselves in Skylab. Thoughts of Seth, and of their callous brutality, spurred me on. I was weak from the delivery, but strong enough to finish what I’d started.
As Sid and I met in the walk-out basement, we tossed what remained in our gas cans on the carpet that adorned the floor next to the fireplace.
“This is it,” he said.
“This is it,” I repeated, and lit the match.
Caroline handed my baby to me and the three of us stood back to watch the basement catch fire. The flames roared in my ears as they licked the ceiling, the heat intolerable within seconds.
“You go to safety now, Sara. You too, Caroline.” Sidney’s face had taken on a orange glow as he watched the fire dance through the house. “I’ll watch that they don’t get out.”
Caroline looked worried, her forehead creased while her lips parted.
“No,” I spoke up over the increasingly deafening sound of the flames. “I’ll hide out in the field and wait for you both.”
Caroline smiled and touched the baby’s head.
“We’ll be right behind you, Sara.”
“I know. Be safe, and see you soon.” I turned and ran as fast as I could with Leif clenched tightly to my body and didn’t stop running until the sound of the fire was just out of earshot. I threw down my heavy back pack and cradled Leif in his makeshift swaddle which hung around my shoulder and midriff, securing him to my chest.
I gasped for air a moment and sat down hard on the field floor. Then I watched as the fire began to crawl up the exterior walls and consume the roof. How could anyone escape something like that? Yet I watched. Just to be sure.
Chapter Twenty
My baby at my breast, I stared as the house I’d called home for over a year burned with a brightness that blotted out the moon and stars. Where were Sid and Caroline? They were all I had left. They shouldn’t have stayed behind. There I was all alone, but they had been positioned right next to the exit, so surely nothing could have gone wrong. The house burned like a beacon in the night beyond the muddy expanse of the cornfields, framed by the blackened forest to the southwest and the dirt road coming to a T along the east.
Gun shots! I knelt and shielded Leif with my body. I wasn’t so far away that a stray bullet couldn’t find me. The shots rang in my ears as they became more frequent. I hadn’t considered a shoot out.
“Please, let them get away,” I whispered to the night, wishing for Caroline and Sidney to find me. I couldn’t do this alone.
An explosion burst from the back of the house. I could feel the heat of it, even at this distance. The ground vibrated under my knees. The gas tank. I could almost taste it. The smell forced my free hand up to cover my mouth and nose.
I could barely make out a silhouette moving toward me and my baby. Were they running? I took a chance and screamed over the roar of the explosions. “Caroline?!” No answer. “Sid?” Still no answer. Next I cursed myself for having called out at all. If this wasn’t either Caroline or Sidney, I had just given myself up to the enemy. Remembering Joel’s pistol in my bag, I retrieved it. I made myself as small as I could in the dirt, careful not to make a sound. My child was strangely quiet under his sheet. Panicked by Leif’s stillness, I unwrapped his head and kissed his warm cheek. He buried his face into my hand. Where was the silhouette? I’d lost them. Oh Jesus, I thought to myself. I held my breath and listened. Perhaps I’d imagined it?
The roar of the fire increased as it consumed more and more of the house, drowning out any footsteps in the field. But still, I waited, and watched.
I waited there, in that spot and watched the flames burn themselves out, all the while hoping to see Caroline and Sidney. But as the dawn approached, I knew I had lost them as well. I was now completely alone.
Chapter Twenty One
My baby slept in his wrap tight to my chest, waking up three times through the night to eat, then drifting back to sleep, oblivious to the horror I had just witnessed. He wasn’t feeding effectively yet, but this night, at least, he slept a little. I did not sleep. I panned the landscape for movement. Nothing. No one. A steady line of smoke twisted up into the ever brightening morning sky from a central point in the rubble. I heard a snapping from inside the house, then a crunching that went on and on. A wall collapsed in on itself and took the majority of the house along with it. The crash was deafening.
As I bent to stretch my lower back, my eyes locked on last night’s silhouette. He was lying on the ground face down, not twelve feet from where I’d spent the night.
“Jesus,” I said aloud. Which one was it? Earl? Freddy? Too tall to be Earl.
“Freddy!” I exclaimed, sure it was Fred. He did not respond. Shrapnel protruded from his back. He must have staggered out of the inferno, having escaped the flames through a second floor window, then been taken down by debris from the explosion. A large piece of metal was pointing towards the sky. His hair was crusty, scorched. His pants had stuck to his legs at the back. I wasn’t sure his face would be recognizable but I turned it towards me to confirm his identity. It was Fred, his expression forever etched with a look of agony.
“Earl.” I spoke with contempt. I hated what he’d become. The way he’d taken the reins the past few months, the way he’d talked his way into the broken hearts and minds of our friends. After Joel, Earl had seized his opportunity. Unfortunately many of my friends, our friends, had fallen under his spell. The idea of revenge was a powerful tool. Earl knew it, and he used it to his advantage.
Now I found myself without a home, without a friend. Alone.
The baby rustled and began to whimper. I lifted my shirt. He screamed as I tried to nurse him. Why was it this hard? Sometimes getting him to nurse was mentally exhausting. I didn’t have the tools they showed in the text books: the breast pump, the bottles. I hated to think of my baby as a burden. He was everything to me. But the lack of sleep and the endless torturous sessions at my breast were almost enough to make me shut down.
I was utterly exhausted. My eyes caught the sunrise moving behind the smoke, rising from the wreckage. The smoke blurred the colors, making the morning seem more sultry.
I was afraid to approach the smoldering rubble to look for Sid and Caroline. How could I do
this on my own? But I had to. As my mind raced, I cautiously approached the remains of the house.
That’s when I spotted them lying on their backs behind the pool, on the decline that led into the woods. They were motionless. To my horror I confirmed my friend’s fate.
“Caroline! Sid!” I choked. I caressed Caroline’s face and hugged her lifeless body against mine with one arm, Leif in the other, shaking all the while. But there was no wishing them back. I laid her back down, next to Sid. I kissed their heads and closed their eyes. I took their hands and interlocked their fingers. When I stood to look at them one last time I broke down and cried recklessly. The baby cried with me and I made no effort to sooth him.
They’d been shot point blank. Was it Fred, in one last evil act before he collapsed in the field with a piece of hot shrapnel in his back? Maybe Earl escaped and found them, exacting his revenge. I spun around, eyeing the woods and the rubble. Imagine, if it was all for nothing? The possibility tortured me. If Fred had nearly gotten away, why not Earl?
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